Hi Mahir,
Your story was interesting and had a good mental view. However there are a couple of things I'll like you to take note of, most of them minor errors
Why she would ((why would she)) be late today when she was always the earlier on their dates.
'Was still radiating the nearly worn off smugness he had this morning." This line is a little contradictory. He cant be still radiating a nearly worn off smugness. I'll say something like "His wet hair and shaved face had the faint remain of a nearly worn out smugness on his face"
'With a red rose in his hand, his tall and handsome figure was attracting stolen glances thrown at him by the people passing by' His tall and handsome figure attracted stlolen?(bemused) glances from passers by
Zarrin can't do this, not (to) with me.
But I could call her on land phone number she gave me
And after a long time of hearing this intolerable music (comma here, or an hyphen) as it looked to him,
Zarrin hadn't doesn't lived there for four years!
His confusion led left him into a dizzy state
Coming to the story itself, bringing in Dr. Azad looked to much like an afterthought. Why was he just waiting outside, watching Tahir wait; why was he mocking Tariq and then have a hurt tear in his eyes later? Maybe Dr. Azad shouldn't be there at the first 45mins, then after Tahir prepares to leave for Zarrin's house, he shows up.. flustered and breathless, knowing he was going to meet the poor boy at that spot. Then he explains Tahirs condition maybe aftr they've found somewhere to sit, in a sympathetic maner.
This is just an opinion, I might be wrong. If you'll like me to review your edited copy, feel free to send me a mail.
Good luck, and write on!
Hi stevelegend,
I liked your story, loved your method of writing, and truthfully I have no negative review. just a suggestion;
If you could just grant the reader a little insight as to what the unlikely heroes looked like, just before the fainting woman... a little gory description could make our hearts beat fast too
Good Luck and keep writing!
Dear Dingo-k,
Your piece was great!
here are some parts in the first few paragraphs i was able to edit
I “ IT” was a brisk night(A fullstop would be appropriate here.. Although, ‘brisk’ doesn’t really explains the night, so maybe you could say something like “It was a cold night” or if you want to make it more dramatic you could say “the night was dark… and freezing cold”). Daniel, and as he has been many times before, was sat on the ledge outside his window above the back door of his house. (This line doesn’t work for me. “Daniel, a 35year old something, was sitting on the ledge outside the window just above the back door of his house. The way he had done countless times than he cared to remember”) For some reason he doesn't question how he found himself there, after a long hard day out here he is looking at the moon and stars. He found comfort in knowing that if nobody was around to judge him or to question him then he was safe and he didn't have to deal with the world for just a moment. “For some reason, he doesn’t question how he found himself at this spot time and time again. After a long hard day, looking at moon at the stars gave him the comfort of knowing that with no one around to question or judge him he was safe from dealing with the world. If only for a short time.”
So you see this is a story of a guy who can't handle himself but doesn't need to because he has his place, his place that makes it all go away and lets him know he doesn't have to give up yet. One thing that you are probably wondering is why Daniel needs a special place, what is it that pushes him away from wanting to be a part of him day to day life? And I even have more problems with this paragraph. I think you need to lose the “so you see” and “Let’s go back to the days…” You could try something like “Daniel Surname, is a guy that can’t quite handle himself, although he doesn’t really need to because he has his own place. A special place that makes it all go away and gives him the strength to know he doesn’t have to give up yet. One could wonder why Daniel needs a special place and what makes him reluctant to be part of a normal day to day life.”
Well lets go back to the days that things when down for Daniel. Now he never had an amazing life but a few years ago he was fine with what he had and never complained. At the age of 23 he has finished university and was working at a local restaurant called Little Blue Maiden as a manager. He was living in a house that suited his needs pretty well and he was living with a good friend that he met at university because it was easier to pay for the house with two people rather than one. “Well, it all goes back to when Daniel was managing a local restaurant called Little Blue Maiden. At age 23 and a university graduate, that didn’t give him an awesome life but he never complained. He shared a house that met most of his immediate needs with a friend, Jason. This way he could share the house rent with Jason rather than pay it alone. One thing that made his house-mate feel sorry for him though was the fact that he never seemed to ever be dating anybody and was always alone. Now his house-mate Jason had been seeing the same girl for two years and things were going great for them so you would expect them to notice the difference in each others love lives. One thing that Daniel didn't expect though was that Jason was soon going to move out leaving Daniel on his own. “unlike Daniel, who was more of a loner, Jason was the opposite. He had a girlfriend he had been seeing for two years, and it came as a blow to Daniel when Jason relayed his intention to move in with his girlfriend” I don’t think this is also good enough, but you can work on it.
I wish I had enough time to give a feedback on the remaining paragraphs. But I will as soon as I can. The conversation between Daniel and Jason could use a little editing too.
I don’t know, it might not be what you have in mind. But it’s just ideas I feel you could incorporate into your story. Hope I was able to help
It could be better if you let us know how Jamie got to enter Jonah's body and control him. We don't really know her motive for bending on destroying her son's life and we don't know how Jonah got to posses powers that affects his sorrounding.
Is it his mum that really owns the power, or is it only when he stops grinning that his mum finds it possible to posses him?
Maybe you should just expand and show a little light on those areas.
All in all, I love the story. Its one of the best short stories I've read. Keep writing :)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zynscash
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 3:19am on Nov 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Welcome to WDC from "