Chapter 1
 Review by Zoletta 
Plot: Lisa and Calvin are on a mission to stop their younger siblings from what they consider to be the biggest mistake of their lives. Very interesting.
Style and Voice: Lisa's POV, with some minor shifts here and there
Referencing: Clearly present day
Scene/Setting: Wonderful descriptions, especially of the hotel room
Characters: Lisa's character was more consistent than Calvin's, but still was surprisingly soft in some parts. Calvin, on the other hand, had a lot of problems. Way too many mood swings and inconsistencies. He's either bi-polar, or poorly written. At the end, I don't know what to make of him. See Inline Comments for examples.
Grammar: See Inline Comments.
Emotional Connection: Mild. I don't normally read Romantic novels, and the problems with Calvin's character made him more of a pencil-drawn sketch than a believable man – which prevented me from connecting to the story.
Does the Title Intrigue Me?: Yes! I love the Title!
Would I Purchase This Book?: No. For the reasons I mentioned in Emotional Connection, and also because the conflict appears to be very mild. I would prefer a little danger in the mix, somewhere. But that's entirely a personal thing, since I'm not used to Romances.
What I Liked Most: I love Lisa's bitchy side.
What I Liked Least: Calvin's inconsistencies.
Overall Thoughts and Feelings: Very well done for a first-draft! I can see this going in a really fun direction, and I'm hoping there will be a lot of funny and adventurous mishaps along the way.
I need to know if the characters can stand on their own. If the secondary characters need more explanation. Especially the people living in Endurance, and the Edward's family who are finally in the forefront. Lisa, yes. Calvin, no. Penny and the other guy, I can't remember his name at this point...I would have liked to have had a little more information about them. Maybe some example of something they've done in the past that validates Lisa and Calvin's extreme measures of interference. My impression of the Edward's family is nowhere near as strong as the Grayburg's – which you did a fine job on.
INLINE COMMENTS:
Lisa Green felt the fury racing through her veins like molten lava. She continued to stare at the note in disgust, her mind in a rampant whirl. What the hell is Penny thinking? My sister has no morals whatsoever! The thought of Penny running off to marry the son of her business partner infuriated her, made actual steam begin to blow from her ears. Penny would ruin the fragile new relationship; one Lisa worked at to the point of exhaustion. Only one thing left to do. She had to get to New York and stop that wedding!  I like the opening
Picking up the phone, she punched in Calvin Grayburg’s number. The second he answered, she began, not bothering with a greeting, but jumping straight to the point. “The second he answered, she jumped straight to the point” “Calvin, its typo – it's Lisa Green. I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but it seems that Edward and Penny are eloping.”
Lisa snatched her purse off the glass counter and headed to the front door of the boutique.
“What? Are you sure about that? I just saw him last night and he didn’t say a word.”
“Why am I not surprised?” she muttered. “I’m holding the note she left in my hand. I probably don’t have to say this, but any marriage at this point would be a disaster for both of our companies.”
Calvin sighed, “You’re right. Besides, Penny’s too young for Edward.”
Lisa scoffed, “What you meant to say is that your younger brother is too old for my sister.” Lisa could not be thrilled 'could not be thrilled' doesn't sound right. 'was less than thrilled' or 'was not exactly thrilled' or 'anything but thrilled with' etc. with her sister’s actions, but she would be damned if Penny became the scapegoat. “I’m heading to the airport and will be on the next flight to New York. I’ll call you with my flight information.” She snapped the cell phone closed with a forceful flick of her hand and tossed it into her purse.
Lisa locked the boutique, got into her car and headed to her house. She threw some clothing into a bag, and then headed headed repeats out the airport. On the drive over she called Anna, Jill, Debbie and Megan to make sure that all shifts were covered at the store. She spun a tale about a family emergency and hoped no one questioned it. This could not get out.
Once the plane touched down, Lisa’s heart began to race. At this point, she had no idea where her sister could be. For all she knew, Penny hopped a plane to New York, then another to Vegas. If Penny and Edward headed in that direction, they would be almost impossible to find. Her head pounded as she grabbed her carry-on and walked off the plane.
Calvin stood just beyond the gate looking rougher than usual. His cropped blonde-brown hair had that rumpled, just rolled out of bed look, and his clothes seemed to mirror that tale. Any time Lisa met with him, Calvin wore only the finest in suits, dressed to the nine’s. This could be interesting.
“You look like hell,” Lisa admitted. I like Lisa's strong personality, already quite apparent!
Calvin smirked and reached out to take her bag. “Thanks for noticing. You didn’t give me much time to go home and change.”
Lisa’s eyebrow rose and she looked him over again from head to toe. “Did I interrupt your little rendezvous?”
“Yes and no. Let’s just say the call was welcome. Liz Beth can be a little…clingy,” Calvin said, winking at her, his blue eyes dancing. dancing eyes makes me think they're jiggling around, like when someone is having a seizure – horrible visual
Lisa rolled her eyes, ah – and on top of that, his eye description and then Lisa's eye description is too close together not interested in the least about his escapades when their siblings were about to make the biggest mistake of their lives. when you say 'their' siblings', it makes me think Lisa and Calvin are brother and sister, and their siblings are going to marry each other incestuously “Spare me the raunchy details. We have a wedding to stop.”
Calvin chuckled. “Right, I forgot, it’s all business with you. No fun, no games, no excitement.”
She could feel the heat rise on her skin as anger shot through her. Lisa reached forward and pulled her bag from his hand, but he would not let go. “I don’t have time to waste standing here in the terminal while you take jibes at me. I think I’ll just find them on my own.” They tugged on the bag back and forth a few more times before Lisa gave up, and crossed her arms over her chest. She glared at him. “Drop the bag.” When anger made her voice drop an octave, it made her sound more authoritative, and she liked that. I'm still learning about 'passive voice', but the last sentence sounds like that's what it might be? I'm not sure! 
Instead of complying, Calvin grabbed her hand and began to drag Lisa out of the airport. “My father said, ‘Cal, Lisa Green is our number one priority, so make sure she gets whatever she needs.’”
Lisa struggled to keep up with him as he took long strides, his grip firm on her hand, the sound of the sharp clicks on her heels across the white tile kept a steady rhythm. He led her through the crowd and outside into the bright afternoon sun and the awaiting limousine. The chauffer chauffeur jumped to opened open the door for them, and relieved Calvin of the suitcase.
Calvin slid into the backseat and tugged Lisa along with him. I like this easy-going, natural feeling visual Her heel caught on the runner and she lost her balance. The jolt sent her head first into Calvin’s lap. Her hands landed on the black leather, one on each side of his thighs. oh mama! She looked up into his face, his eyes filled with amusement as he gazed down at her. “Sorry,” she mumbled, and pushed away from his body to sit beside him.
“Don’t be,” he whispered his breath hot in her ear, “I don’t mind at all.” very cute!
Lisa slid closer to the door and away from Calvin. He irritated her as he never had before and made the anger boil over ready to explode. “Just take me to the nearest hotel. I can take it from there.”
“Already taken care of. I made reservations for you at my father’s favorite hotel. In fact, you have the room right next to mine.”
Lisa turned in his direction , mortified, comma splice her mouth dropped at the thought. The irritating smirk he smirked earlier, it's still too fresh to use it again took over his face when he saw her reaction. Who does he think he is? The Calvin Grayburg she knew was kind and soft-spoken, polite to a fault, and quiet with no sense of humor, comma splice – begin next sentence with 'He took...' who took the term ‘all business’ to a whole new level. Who is this man? What happened to him in the last six months to make him have such a drastic change of character? She knew his fiancée broke the engagement at the last minute, but doubted that could could have affected him affect him like this.
“What happened to the penthouse suite with your parents?”
“I moved,” he stated.
“Obviously,” Lisa said, and then sighed. “I meant, why did you leave your parents parent's place?”
Turning towards her, watching as that irritating smile and laughter in eyes began to fade away, as if a light switch shut off. Seriousness took over, etched his dreamy blue eyes and crinkled his forehead. Now he looked more like the man she dealt with, and Lisa found relief in that. She could relax and be herself with this man.
This entire paragraph needs revising. Example: 'She watched his irritating smile and laughing eyes turn serious as crinkles appeared on his forehead. He now looked more like the man she was used to dealing with. Seeing this relieved her, and she was finally able to relax and be herself.'
“It was time.” with a whole paragraph separating their dialog, this should be tagged
Lisa laughed at the vague response. He never said more than he had too, typo – 'to' and that was one thing in particular she liked about him. He did not beat around the bush; he pulled no punches, just said what he had to and moved on.
“I bet it’s hard not having the maid to pick up after you, comma splice a chef to cater your meals,” Lisa quipped. She crossed her arms as a smug smile lifted the corners of her mouth, her satisfaction in bothering him evident. she would not be able to see that her satisfaction was evident - '...corners of her mouth, satisfied she had succeeded in bothering him.'
Calvin shifted in his seat and faced her, his posture stiff. “Listen, you and I would be better off not making small talk. We never have before, no sense in starting now.” He waited, those baby blues probing hers for a response. When she only stared, he cleared his throat. “May I see the letter your sister left?”
Lisa nodded, tearing her eyes from his. She saw a flicker of sadness in those blue pools, something she never expected to see from a rich and powerful man such as him. Calvin had a knack for keeping his emotions in check, never letting anyone see what went on inside his head. Lisa respected that. She opened her purse and pulled the slip of white paper out, and held it in the air for him to take.
Reaching out for the note, his long fingers brushing against her head sent a tiny jolt of electricity up her arm. 'reaching out for the note' sounds like it's 'his' POV – 'When he reached out for the note, his long fingers brushed against her head, and sent a tiny jolt of electricity up her arm.' But still, how would he end up touching her head when they're sitting side by side and she's handing him a note. That doesn't make sense, I can't get a visual on that. Also, if he touched her head, then why should she feel it on her arm? Closing her eyes, Lisa 'She closed her eyes, and let the... let the sensation rise up her arm and settle in her chest. How odd to have a powerful reaction for such an innocent touch. Lisa peeked out of the corner of her eye as he read over Penny’s letter, and waited for a reaction.
His tanned face remained unreadable; the hard lines around his eyes and chin never wavered. He became all business as usual. he can't become all business now, because he already became all business earlier, so there should be no change This man she could deal with. 'She thought, again, This man I could deal with. – otherwise, you are repeating the same thing from earlier in the chapter The lighthearted one that always use 'who' when speaking of a person met her at the airport seemed like trouble, and she would steer clear of that at all costs. I love this sentence! Penny created enough with her latest escapade.
They arrived at the hotel, and she followed Calvin inside. He handed her a key as they reached the elevators, end sentence – nix the last part already had her set up. She needed to get her few items unpacked, and work out on a plan to locate Penny and Edward before they tied the knot.
As the... The elevator doors opened and they stepped inside comma here, and get rid of 'and' and a thought occurred to her. “Did you hire a private investigator to track them down?” she asked.
Calvin hit the button to the 25th floor and the doors closed. this would be a great opportunity to mention something about Lisa catching their reflection in the closing doors, maybe thinking they look good together or something to that effect He stood in front of her, those eyes again catching her off guard. They seemed to change color and intensity right before her. No longer cool and calculating, the playfulness lit up his face returning full force to the way they were at the airport. these last two sentences could be tightened up a bit – 'This time when she looked at him, she noticed the playfulness return to his eyes, making their color change from a dreamy blue to something intense, which caught her off guard.'
“I thought about it, and then had a better idea.”
Lisa’s shoulders slumped a bit and she shook her head. “What could be better than having a PI find them, and report back to us?”
Calvin laughed, and turned away from her. “I called our pilot to see if any trips were scheduled.”
Lisa forgot about the three private jets the Grayburg’s owned. “Well?” she demanded, her impatience at the lack of dialogue and detail from Calvin making her mad. “Well?” she said, impatience to hear the rest of the details.
“Edward scheduled a flight to Vegas for this evening. I am 'I'm' sounds more natural – especially if he's in a 'playful' mood sure he and Penny are somewhere wasting money and getting acquainted. This is a marriage of convenience, nothing more.” He sounded confidant and in control, his words hit Lisa like a punch in the gut. I would nix 'He sounded confidant and in control' – it's more than enough to say 'His words hit Lisa like a punch in the gut'
His cold tone made the hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention. now wait a minute here...they're STILL in the elevator and he went from a full force return to playfulness to ice cold in a matter of seconds?? If he is not going to be bi-polar, something has to change “So you believe that Penny has nothing to offer someone such as Edward? That she is beneath your family.” should end with '?'
Calvin gazed at her, shook his head. Take out the gazed at her part – I don't sense a pause long enough for a gaze, I think he would answer immediately, and we already can assume they are looking at each other “I wouldn’t say that. I believe Edward is out to prove a point, and this would send a clear message that he means business.”
Lisa pondered that thought. Something had to be brewing inside the Grayburg family dynamic. She did not know them well enough to put a finger on what that would be, but knowing Edward was second in line, she could garner a guess that it had much to do with a power play inside the company. Would Edward involve Penny just to make a point? Is he that cruel?
“And now Penny will be caught up in all of this. My sister would only do this 'this' repeats. You could say 'my sister would only do such a crazy thing' if she believes he loves her. Are you telling me that this is a game?” Impulsive Penny often did things that sent Lisa off to rescue the younger woman. With their parents deceased, Lisa took it upon herself five years ago to make sure that Penny was well cared for, and had everything she needed within reason. She paid for college and set her up at the boutique.
“I’m not going to lie to you, it very well could be. Edward is not comfortable being second in line behind me. He believes that it should either be a shared responsibility, or his job to lead us into the next decade.”
Calvin moved to her side as the elevator began to stop with a loud ding, jolting Lisa. this also sounds like a shift of POV from Lisa's to omniscient – but don't believe me all the way, I'm still learning about it, myself He reached out a hand and rested it on her forearm, with a gentle squeeze she did not expect, he made her breath catch. sentence need revising, the words stumble – 'Calvin placed his hand on her forearm with a gentle squeeze, and she caught her breath.' although that's not too great, either “We will We'll find them and stop it 'this' from happening. You have my word.”
She believed him. The kindness she just thought he seemed cold, now she thinks he's kind – he can't be both in such a short period of time. I prefer him and find it more believable that he's kind, and SHE'S cold that she noticed in this man made her have faith that they could find their siblings and make them see reasons, typo – reason that they could get to them in time. Now all they had to do was stop them from boarding the plane to Vegas in the first place.
Calvin led her to the room, relieved her of the keycard and opened the door. why would he have given her the keycard right before they entered the elevator, two minutes ago, just to take it back and open the door for her? In this case, he should not have given it to her in the first place – and also, the cab driver 'relieved' Calvin of the luggage, and now this phrase repeats in an overly noticeable way She followed him inside, glad to have a few minutes to freshen up before they began chasing Penny and Edward. In a perfect world , Penny would wise up and head back to Endurance all on her own, comma splice but Lisa knew it would never happen the way she wanted. Penny liked to see things through, no matter what the cost. If she started something, she would see it through. 'through' repeats, try '...she would finish it.'
“My room is right next door. I need a quick shower, and I’ll be back here within thirty minutes. If you’re hungry, go ahead and order room service. The Shrimp Scampi is excellent.” With that he backed out of the open door and pulled it shut.
Lisa sat down on the large bed that sat 'sat' repeats – eliminate 'that sat' in the middle of the room and sighed. She never expected to be in New York right now, had a million things at the boutique she should be concentrating on, and now she would be stuck trying to save her sister again. Cleaning up Penny’s messes seemed to be common practice over the last two years. This Penney character sounds like a real pain in the ass – hahaha
Lying back on the firm bed, she gazed up at the white ceiling, her thoughts going back to the touch of Calvin’s hand. Three times he touched her, the first forceful and harsh. The second slight touch of his hand left her heart fluttering like a schoolgirl. She noticed a profound gentleness about him that she never knew existed, the third time he touched her. one, two, and three should be more uniform – this sounds way too messy Calvin Grayburg appeared to be total a mystery. Question is how much of that mystery do I care to unravel? great sentence!
Lisa closed her eyes, and tried to drive all images of Calvin out of her mind. She had to concentrate on her mission. Nothing else mattered at the moment. She rose off the bed and went to the large window, standing before it and looking out onto the city. Lisa always loved New York. Found it exciting, the place to be, especially in the fashion industry. since 'to be' and 'industry' rhyme, my mind suddenly interrupted the read to shout – POEM! Rhymes just like a poem here! So many times she thought she would end up living here, having her dream career. I know it's a coincidence, but you just did it again...'here' and then 'career' – POEM! I just got yanked out of the story because those two sentences, right in a row, both rhymed like a poem That all changed when her parents died in the car crash.
Neon signs in various color sparkled down below, the city a spectacular glow I'm sorry, it's probably just me, because I write a lot of poems, but 'down below' and then 'glow'...it's just a break in the cadence of the story that jumps out at me – it's not right or wrong – it's just a distraction of rainbow color. The bridge to New Jersey illuminated in the distance caught her attention. The only lights she saw back in Endurance consisted of a star-filled night sky. She sighed, searching for even one speckle in the sky, and finding none.
She turned away from the window and took in the lavish surroundings. The modern décor of the room surprised her. From everything she knew of the Grayburg family, and their taste in furnishings, they went for the antique style setting. She wondered what the real reason behind Calvin’s sudden departure from the family Penthouse could be. He had it made there, and since he remained single, she was shocked that he could walk away from the pampering in his daily life. After living that flamboyant lifestyle for decades, growing accustomed to such extravagances, she found it hard to believe he would give it all up and live in a hotel, even this lavish one. even one this lavish – and also, lavish repeats
The white dresser gleamed, shined with polish to catch the light from the small chandelier that hung in the middle of the room. I can visualize that very easily – but am surprised it would be white instead of a rich, warm wood. A white dresser does not at all strike me as lavish – and actually feels just the opposite It sat across from the bed, which had two night tables on each side. Plush Navy carpet sat nix 'sat', it doesn't sound right, try 'lie' beneath her feet, her heels sinking in and keeping her off balance. a carpet, no matter how plush, would never make someone feel off-balance A black table with three white leather chairs sat beside the window, adorned with fresh flowers in a crystal vase.
She walked across the room, and kicked her shoes off at the kicked off her shoes by the closet next to the front door. Lisa wondered just what kind of treasures she would find in the bathroom, and headed there for a glimpse at the pampering she would enjoy later. She opened the door, excitement beginning to take hold.
Peering inside the darkened room, she opened the door all the way and located the light switch. When the bright lights flooded the big room, they had an almost blinding effect. love that! Lisa squinted and stepped inside. Baby blue ceramic tile covered the floor and lead to a Jacuzzi style it would not be Jacuzzi 'style' in a lavish room, it would be a real 'Jacuzzi' bathtub and separate shower stall. An enormous smile took over her face, this first part is passive voice looking forward to turning on the jets and sinking down into a tub of hot water, surrounding her body in luxurious bubbles. nice description – I really want to be Lisa right now, and jump in that tub, to hell with the bratty sister
Thick white towels sat on shelves next to the double sink, with toiletries already nix 'already' – as it's no surprise they're there in place. She could get used to this kind of treatment. Hanging around in the Grayburg’s inner circle could become addicting. oh yes, it certainly could!
That thought sent a quick, sharp pain to her heart. If I can be blindsided and lured into this lifestyle, then Penny doesn’t stand a chance. excellent Lisa knew that she had little time to find her sister and get her and bring her back home. The longer she stayed with Edward, the harder it would be to convince her to come back to small town America.
She had to act fast. She moved back into the bedroom, determined to get this show on the road. Rummaging through the small suitcase she managed to throw together, Lisa swapped out her business suit for jeans and a nice shirt cropped at the waist, not knowing where this adventure would lead. not sure I like 'not knowing where this adventure would lead – she already knows where she's going, it just doesn't sound right. Maybe, '...shirt cropped at the waist. She wanted to be comfortable, and ready for anything.'
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