\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zenman7718
Review Requests: OFF
155 Public Reviews Given
314 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing "Something Wrong, Something Right!" Open in new Window. with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This is a good start to what looks like a unique fantasy story.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


My antennae quivering in alarm I manouvered inwards, leaving a vapour trail from my frenzied rush. I stopped abruptly in my frenzied rush, before two heavily chased doors of gold. The golden doors pulsed and gleamed, strange patterns rearranged themselves swiftly upon its surface. In panic I plied, I pried, I assaulted, I pleaded with the doors! They would not let me through. I was astounded, my ceilidh or powers had never so completely failed me before.

Such wonderful and vivid detail. I like it! *Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Spelling-Format*Star*
7 Points


1)I am assuming that 11,188 words is a typo and it should be 1188 words. *Wink*

2)The prompt is in bold for easy reference and used appropriately at the beginning of your story. Well done! *Thumbsup*

3)The story is presented in the proper format with indented paragraphs that are spaced. Good job! *Thumbsup*

4)Icy tendrils of air curled around my ankles as I inched my way forwards and crept into the entrance passage.

The word 'forwards' should be forward. *Bigsmile*

5)Blocking could not be done by anybody except the rightful occupant, and only of their own free will; however, I would still have been able to sense their well-being and persona.

Suggested punctuation included in quote.

6)None in that time was able to shield his identity from me, none from our land at all events.

This sentence is slightly confusing. I take it to mean nobody would be able to shield their identity from the main character in the time that they were gone, or at least nobody from this land. Am I correct? Suggested edit:

In the time that I was gone, nobody from this land should have been able to shield their identity.

7)“None has entered though this portal tonight Space Keeper, and I sensed no ill foreboding upon my Perimetry ” responded he formally, referring to his mental checking of the castle’s perimeter, done effortlessly in some dim recess of his mind.

This sentence is a moutful. Let's see if we can break it up into bite sized chunks! *Wink* Suggestion:

“None has entered though this portal tonight Space Keeper, and I sensed no ill foreboding upon my Perimetry,” he said in a formal response. In some dim recess of his mind, he had effortlessly checked the castle perimeter.

8) I wiggled my pointed ears, sufficient to express my intent to go on alone and allay the fears I had roused. “I have my ceilidh and my sealor with me,” I signaled. in an attempt to allay the fears I myself had roused.

Suggested edit included in quotes.

*Star*Setting*Star*
5 Points


I would have liked to have seen more in the way of description of the setting. It was a castle, was it a military-like fortress built to withstand a siege or was it like the fairy tale castles that have a city surrounding it? What kind of stone was it made from? Was it filled with any odors like mildew, smoke, cooking? Did the footsteps echo down the hall while people walked through them? What race of people were they? I am assuming they are magical because the mother has lived for 30 decades and they think in decades, not years (good touch!)What did the land around the castle look like? She must have been able to see it from on top of the observatory. What was the land called? Who was attacking them? Just some suggestions.

*Star*Characters*Star*
6 Points


Main character- What is the character's name? What do they look like? This character is unerdeveloped and hard to imagine. I know she has pointy ears, antenae, magical powers and carries a sword like ceilidh.

Remarhh- I believe he is an equal to the main character, but he almost seems like a guard with the limited role we see him in the story. What does he look like?

Wanu- A baby that has developed magical powers and will one day be lord of the keep (I think.)

The first person persective has hampered the development of your characters and has made it much harder for the reader to imagine them from the limited descriptions we are offered.

*Star*Plot*Star*
4 points


There does not seem to be much in the way of a plot to this story. There is a meeting that the reader does not learn much about, other then an attack may be incomming. The main character returns from the meeting to find the baby shielded. The story ends. There is no real character development of conflict in the story. I thought that we would have found out about who was attacking and maybe they would find a way to twart the attack. You may want to add this to the story to flesh out the plot. The child could even be part of the resolution. Just some ideas.

*Star*Artistry*Star*
7 points


I enjoyed the old fashioned language that was used in the story. It really added a good tone to the story. I thought that you had a good author's voice too.*Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
29 Points


This looks like a good beginning to a bigger story. I would be interested in reading more after the setting and plot are expanded upon. Thank you for entering it into my contest. i hope to read more from you in the future! *Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2
2
Review of Monsoon  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


A puzzling tale of monsoons and mysteries.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


“Rip-roaring, trembling, spine tingling… Words would seem inadequate when you have to describe the south Indian monsoon! A gentle breeze undergoes a subtle change and chills you in the form of a storm. Clouds dances as its triumph goes on, lightening illuminates and the thunder plays the drum of season... Off late, after a heavy rain, you discover the power of nature, yet after the mind blowing performance!

Wow! What a great opening paragraph and hook! *Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Spelling-Format*Star*
6 Points


1)The prompt was bolded for easy reference and was used appropriately at the end of your story. Well done! *Thumbsup*

2)The story was presented in the proper format by indenting each paragraph and spacing them. Good job! *Thumbsup*

3)Clouds dances as its triumph goes on, lightening illuminates and the thunder plays the drum of season...

The clouds are plural, there fore the sentence should be written as:

Clouds dance as their triumph goes on, lightning illuminates and the thunder plays the drum of season...

4)Off late, after a heavy rain, you discover the power of nature, yet after the mind blowing performance!

This sentence could be edited for clarity. Who or what is off late? Wouldn't you discover the power of nature during the heavy rain? A suggested edit:

After such a mind blowing performance, you discover reverence for the power of nature.

5)Sindhu dropped her pen down and leaned on to the bed.

I found it hard to picture what Sindhu was doing in this sentence. Is she already laying on the bed? Maybe, it would be clearer if she leaned away from her journal and rested upon her back on the bed? Also, with the force of gravity being what it is, when she drops the pen we would assume its motion would be downward. *Wink*

6)The pale green bed sheet was misplaced by her flimsy movement.

I am not sure about the use of flimsy to describe motion. It is usually associated with material not being strong (i.e. flimsy bridge, flimsy shack, etc.)You may want to replace it with slight for clarity.

7)The pillow, on which her hand rested, lied lay on the edge of the bed, resembling a new born baby in fast asleep.

Just a few corrections included in the quote. *Bigsmile*

8)She wanted to write that the whole country is was waiting for a drop of water to fall from the sky.

The correct tense would be 'was,' not 'is,' in this sentence.

9)She could see no melancholy tears, except few languid faces.

This sentence was slightly confusing. Are melancholy tears a reference to rain? If not, I suggest this edit:

She could not see any melancholy tears upon their languid faces.

10)Sindhu threw the pen on to the table, kept all papers under the bed and got up.

This sentence would imply that the papers were already under the bed by use of the word 'kept', yet she was just reading them. Suggested edit:

Sindhu threw the pen on to the table, gathered the papers, and put them under the bed as she stood.

11)Arranging her red flowery saree and running down in hurry, she couldn’t control a step next to the room door.

The sentence slips into present tense. Suggested edit:

She arranged her red flowery saree and ran toward the voice, but she lost control of her footing near the door.

12)Irksome sound of the door banging took Sathyan’s attention to the first floor.

Suggested edit:

The irksome banging sound of the door drew Sathyan's attention to the first floor.

13)Like any most obedient wife, she walked towards the kitchen, holding one edge of the saree and wiping the little sweat on her forehead.

Suggested edit in quote.

14)Sindhu had no complaints. She believed she’s happy.

These two sentences could be combined:

Sindhu had no complaints, and believed she was happy.

15)Beyond the seventeen windows of their house, she had no scope of defining happiness. It was on the slum street behind that bungalow, she found few happy drunkards. She did not need many reasons to believe that it was the alcohol that made them happy. And she was happy without it, as ever.

I love the first sentence! I can't help but feel that these sentences could be combined:

Beyond the seventeen windows of their house, she had no scope of defining happiness; but on the slum street behind the bungalow, she had found a few happy drunkards. It was the alcohol that made them happy. However, she was happy without it.

16)Considering his busy schedule, she felt he is was compensating for the other days by loving her once in a week.

Just minding the tense. *Wink*

17)Walls of the bungalow The bungalow's walls resounded each word with an emotional disturbance that grew with the rain.

Suggested edit in quote.

18)On one corner of her smile, she hid her hostility for the entire world; on the other, she expressly revealed her love for the rain.

A semi-colon would do nicely here. *Bigsmile*

19)Next morning. Sathyan could not believe his fate. People gathered around house and rescue alarm sizzled all over.

This could be rewritten:

Next morning, Sathyan could not believe his fate as people gathered around the house while the rescue alarms sizzled.

20)Pinkish blood still courses on to its edges.

Courses would be present tense. Suggested edit:

Pinkish blood still coated its edges.

21)Sathyan’s hands started shivering. The wind turned wild and snaffled the papers off from his hand.

Suggested edit:

Sathyan's hands shivered as the wind turned wild and snaffled the papers from his hand.

22)I just want to say that I found your descriptions to be refreshing. You have a unique perspective, and while I found some of your word usage a little confusing, I definitely enjoyed your style. *Bigsmile*

*Star*Setting*Star*
7 points


You did a good job of capturing the mood of the monsoon. Also, you have set the story in South India. I would have liked to have seen a little more detail in the description of the house. Was it sparsely furnished with bare walls? This would help to let us know the station of Sathyan and Sindhu. What town were they in? Did they have neighbors? Was the house part of a multi-family dwelling or did it stand alone? What did the yard look like? Were there any tree nearby? Just a few questions to help set the setting.

*Star*Characters*Star*
8 Points


Sindhu- Sathyan's obedient wife. She seems to be coming to terms with her lot in life and is learning that she may not be as happy as she believes.

Sathyan- Sindhu's husband and head of the household. He has a busy schedule, but we are never informed of his profession.

I think that your characters were fairly well developed. I would have liked to see you develop Sindhu's hidden emotions a little more. There were hints that she was not happy with her life, but the reader is left to believe that she refuses to acknowledge this.
Sindhu smiled. On one corner of her smile, she hid her hostility for the entire world. On the other, she expressly revealed her love for the rain.

What is the source for her hostility? Was it her treatment by her husband? I believe that you should develop this more because it would be integral for the reader to surmise the reasons behind her possible suicide in the ending.

*Star*Plot*Star*
8 Points


The plot moves very quickly from her observing the storms and writing her observations of them in her journal, to her making breakfast for her husband, and then to her untimely death. I liked the idea of the story, but the characters were not developed enough, in my eyes, to support the ending. The reader is left in the dark as to the motivations behind Sindhu's suicide or even if it was really suicide (we are not even certain she is dead.) These unanswered questions do not heighten the reader appreciation for the story, but muddy the understanding of it.

*Star*Artistry*Star*
9 Points


I really enjoyed the voice with which the author wrote this story. The unique perspective and descriptions really add flavor to it. Well done! *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
38 Points


I enjoyed the writer's style and found this to be a great start to what could be a wonderful story, with a little expansion and polish. Thank you for entering it into my contest and I do hope to read more of your work in the future.*Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review of Wind in the Wings  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing "Wind in the Wings" Open in new Window. with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This is an eerie tale of revenge served cold under the hot lights of the stage.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


He glanced over to the rope he’d just secured, and felt his hackles rise and his heart begin to pound painfully in his chest. There was someone there… a woman. A small, raven-haired young lady, barely more than a girl. She was hidden in shadow – little more than a silhouette - but she radiated such a frigid sense of malice that Kenny’s blood ran cold.

A raven haired mystery woman hiding in the shadows...*Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Spelling-Format*Star*
9 Points


1)The prompt was bolded for easy reference and was used appropriately at the beginning and end of the story. Well done! *Thumbsup*

2)The story was formatted correctly using indent and the appropriate spacing. I did notice that the space was missing between the 40th and 41st paragraphs.

3)I could find little in the way of grammatical or spelling errors in the story. Well done! It is a joy to read a well proffread story. thank you. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Setting*Star*
8 Points


I think that there could have been more in the way of description of the theatre in which the story took place. For instance, how large was it? Was it run down? There were several mentions of antique lighting mechanisms, was the rest of the theatre in the same condition? Was the theatre located in a small town or was it an older theatre in a large city like New York? While reading the story, I imagined it took place in the 1920's or so, was this the correct time period? You may want to date the story to help the reader determine when it takes place. Also, was this the only theatre in which the play was showcased or was this just the final stop? Just some ideas for you. *Wink*

*Star*Characters*Star*
8 Points


Kenny- We see Kenny transformed from a bitter employee into a jilted son. I thought the internal and external dialog for this character sparkled. Kenny was the consumate anti-hero in this story. I thought that his motivations should have either been more transparent at the beginning of the story, or that he should have come to the realization that Alberto was his father and killed his mother after he had asked around about the rumored actress' murder. I had a hard time relating to the way his motivation was revealed in the story.

Alberto- I felt that the character of Alberto was well portrayed as a self-centered, pompous and arrogant actor who was obsessed with making it big.

Mother- I would have liked to have known a little more about this character. There is enough info in the story for this charatcer to be a motivational force, but not enough for her to be a true character. This may be intentional, and I will admit that it is not needed to further the plot, but it would have been nice to know more about her character. Maybe she was being offered a part in a Broadway play and that is what set Alberto off on his murderous rampage?

*Star*Plot*Star*
7 Points


I thought that the plot was slow to develop, at first, but then picked up steam and finished with a bang. I was confused at the end by the sudden revelation that Alberto was an important figure to Kenny. He did not seem to be aware of this in the beginning of the story. Isn't this something he would have known in the beginning or was it something he figured out while the story unfolded. If it was known throughout the story, then this should have been something included in the beginning of the story so that it did not seem out of place when discussed at the end. If it was something he figured out, then you may want to develop that train of thought more in the body of the story.

Another question that puzzled me was the fact that Alberto hired this 17 year old boy who was good at his profession, but was a 'cheap-ass.' This show was very important to him, and it would have been imperative that it went off without a hitch. What was his motivation for hiring Kenny? It may have benefitted the story more to have Alberto adopt Kenny after the suicide of his mother. This would provide a more rational explanation for why Kenny was working for Alberto.

I was also a little perplexed on how briefly he thought about Alberto carrying out his mother's corpse to the dumpster, and yet it was such a driving force for his character. I would have liked to have seen more remebrance of his mother; either through looking at the photograph in detail, or of his last vivid memory of his mother before her death. I think it would have helped the reader connect more with his character. I am assuming that the rumored rape and murder of the young actress had been Kenny's mother. However, it was mentioned that they were lovers. Had they broken up from the jealousy that was erupting from Alberto? Was his final punishment to be the rape and murder of her? Was he aware that Kenny had been born?

There are a few plot loopholes that could be worked out, in my opinion. I did enjoy the ending! *Bigsmile*

*Star*Artistry*Star*
8 Points


I enjoyed the authors voice that you have written with in this story. I thought you did an excellent job of portraying Kenny's character with his dialog (both internal and external.) The dark mood that you set in this story was enjoyable. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
40 Points


This is a well written story of dark deeds and revenge. There were a few plot points, setting details and character development points that I would suggest expanding upon to add depth to this already good story. It was a pleasure to read and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future! *Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
4
4
Review of Reach High  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This reads like a rap song.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


Dream like you'll live forever, live as you'll die today

It is cliche, but good advice nonetheless.

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*
4 points


1)The subject prompt and poetic form chosen were not promenently displayed in the brief description of your poem, luckily the information was included with your entry to the contest to help provide me context in which to judge this poem accurately. I would recommend including the prompt and form information in your brief description to help seepd up the judging process in future rounds.

2)you have labeled this as poetry and yet it reads like lyrics for a rap song. In example:

One night, one mic, one track to ignite

i would suggest looking at the resources at:

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1280172 by Not Available.


for more information on free verse.

*Star*Imagery*Star*
5 points


The imagery in this "poem" lack depth. I would recommend describing what the view from the gutter looks like.

*Star*Content*Star*
4 points


The content of this "poem," while providing some cliched sound advice, failed to move me. The use of filler lines runs rampant in this "poem." I would recommend fleshing out just why you now apologize for your sins, what you think is the right path to follow; instead of singing about igniting mics and going industry.

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*
6 points


Your use of alliteration in this "poem" is one of the bright spots for me.

*Star*Artistry*Star*
4 points


I am not the best judge of rap songs, and I have been judging this as a free verse poem because that is how you presented it to me and entered the contest. I thought that the concepts displayed in the song where cliched and it lacked depth. There are quite a few places where you just ramble on about things because of the sounds that the words produce. it just dillutes the meaning of the work to me.

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
23 points


While I did review this "poem" and I do appreciate entries into the contest, I do feel manipulated into giving a review under false pretenses. This is clearly not free verse poetry and is instead lyrics to a rap song. If you would like me to do a review, all you have to do is ask and if I have the time I would be happy to accomodate the request. But, please, do not enter it into my contest under the guise of something it is not. that just cheapens the contest, my opinion of you, and the spirit in which I try to operate this contest. that being said, I would have rated this work much differently if it had been presented to me as what it truly was: lyrics.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
5
5
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing "Not an easy read to write" Open in new Window. with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This is a heartfelt poem about the loss of your father at a young age.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


Twenty years today
I sit and stare at the page so bare.
Lord of mercy
please help me understand
pain and loss are part of life-
Not an easy read to write.

Thi is such a poignant and fitting end to the poem.*Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*
7 points


1)The subject and form prompts were not prominently displayed in th brief description of your poem, luckily you encluded that information with your entry into the contest on the forums so that the poem could be judged with accuracy. I do recommend including the prompt and form information in the brief description to help speed up the judging process in future rounds.

2)but tomorrow, to war I must go.

This line reads like it was forced to fit a rhyming scheme. however, this is written in free verse and rhyming is not needed or required. I would suggest editing this line to more closely mirror speech patterns.

*Star*Imagery*Star*
6 points


The images in the poem seem a little spartan. i think a little more description in the poem would only enhance and add depth to your poem.

*Star*Content*Star*
7 points


i thought that this poem was a very touching tribute to the passing of our father. it was very heartfelt and written in an almost childlike fashion.*Thumbsup*

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*
7 points


The short line structures of this poem lend a stacatto feel to the poem. it also helped to provide a smoth flow for the poem since it did not adhere to syllabic meter or rhyming schemes.

*Star*Artistry*Star*
7 points


The childlike tone created by your word usage and short line structures gave this poem an innocent voice and tone. Good job!*Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
34 points


This short heartfelt poem was a treasure. thank you for entering it into our contest and for allowing me to read and review it.*Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
6
6
Review of Dangerous Ground  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing "Dangerous Ground" Open in new Window.with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This is a sad tale of an unknown soldier meeting his end at the hands of a mine.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


through land that knew no control

This is a wonderful way to describe a war zone, if anything describing such a place could be considered wonderful. *Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*
6 Points


1)The subject prompt is the title of your poem; howver, you do not mention the specific form used to create this poem in your brief description or body of your poem. It appears to be a poetic limerick and I will just it as that. I do recommend including the form used in future entries to make sure judging is done accurately (plus it helps speed up the process for me as I have 34 poems to review this round.) *Wink*

2)The poetic limmerick is an interesting choice for this subject matter. I think that it does reinforce the irony of the story you are telling in this poem. Good job. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Imagery*Star*
7 points


As with most limmericks, the images it contains do not have vivid detail. Rather, they tempt to tell a short story through humor or irony. I did find you had a very good description imbedded in this poem that was listed as my favorite part. Good job.*Thumbsup*

*Star*Content*Star*
7 Points


This poem does a good job describing the irony and futility, at times, of surving in a war zone. I was touched by this poem and it left me thinking about these morbid thoughts. Good job! *Thumbsup*

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*
5 Points


The limerick has a set syllabic requirement of 9/9/6/6/9 with a rhyme scheme of aabba. The poem you have written has a syllabic count of 8/7/7/7/8. A very good and informative guide to limericks can be found at:

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1192227 by Not Available.


I would recommend reading it before editing. Not following the syllabic count of the form has a tendency to disrupt the flow of your poem. In places it catches a little because the syllabic count is off. If you read it out loud a few times you might spot the sections that create a small pause from expecting another syllable or having an extra syllable.

*Star*Artistry*Star*
7 Points


The limmerick cadance does come through a little in this poem, even without following the required syllabic count. This does add some flair to this poem.

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
28 Points


This is a good beginning for a poetic limmerick. With a little polish and editing, it could be a shining example. Thank you for entering this into our contest and giving me the chance to read and review your poem.*Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
Review of All Around Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing "All Around Me" Open in new Window. with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


It certainly sounds like cleaning your house is a daunting task! *Wink*

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


Messy,
All around me.
I pick up, and pick up;
A never-ending job for me.
My home


This is an excellent example of a knot verse. Well done! *Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*
8 Points


1)The subject prompt was the title of your poem and the form prompt was displayed in your brief description. Thank you. *Bigsmile*

2)Normally, the Garland Cinquain is centered to display the shape that gives the form its name: a garland.

3)I enjoy the symetry on your stanzas in this poem. Each of them begins with a description (ending in the letter 'y')and they all end with a different room of your house. This has an overall aethetic appeal. Good job! *Thumbsup*

*Star*Imagery*Star*
8 points


This poem does show some interesting imagery within, like:

when mud attacked
My mop endured this loathsome chore
A slave to the suds

These highlighted description stand out like jewels in this poem. I only wish that the poem would have conteined more. *Wink*

*Star*Content*Star*
7 Points


I found that this poem made me chuckle out loud when reading it; at times, almost at the expense of sending coffee out through my nostril.*Wink*

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*
9 points


The syllabic count of each stanza followed the cinquain requirements of 2/4/6/8/2 excellently. Also, the added structure you imposed upon the form that I mentioned under word usage, really added flavor to the poem and gave it a unique rhythm. Great job! *Thumbsup*

*Star*Artistry*Star*
9 Points


The irreverant tone displayed in this poem was a pleasure to read. I thought your voice carried through this form exceedingly well. The tone was perfect for a satire. Well done! *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
41 Points


This is a charming and funny tale of cleaning that never ends. The poem demonstrated great tone and flow. It was a pleasure to read, and i got a good chuckle from it! *Bigsmile* thank you for entering it into our contest and giving me the opportunity to read and review it.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
8
8
Review of My Trust  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing "My Trust" Open in new Window. with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This is an interesting poem about the line between truth and lie.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*
6 Points


One thing given away too easily is trust
Given out freely like a prize of choice
Then exchanged for the chance at a ride
Along his side through the forest of lies
Guiding you with his promises of truth
His whispers plead for you to talk

This passage really sucks the reader in with the vision of trust being a ride on a winding road through a forest. Well done! *Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*


1) The subject prompt and form prompt were clearly stated in your brief description. Thank you. *Bigsmile*

2)The sestina form looks to be followed very well in the main body of the poem. However, the envoy did not appear to follow the prescribed format. The sestina should be:

First stanza, ..trust ..choice ..ride ..lies ..truth ..talk
Second stanza, ..talk ..trust ..truth .. choice ..lies ..ride
Third stanza, ..ride ..talk ..lies ..trust ..choice ..truth
Fourth stanza, ..truth ..ride ..choice ..talk ..trust ..lies
Fifth stanza, ..lies ..truth ..trust ..ride ..talk ..choice
Sixth stanza, ..choice ..lies ..talk ..truth ..ride ..trust

Concluding tercet:
middle of first line ..choice, end of first line ..truth
middle of second line ..lies, end of second line..ride
middle if third line ..talk, end of third line ..trust

Your concluding tercet was:

middle of first line ..trust, end of first line ..choice
middle of second line ..ride, end of second line..lies
middle if third line ..truth, end of third line ..talk

A minor flaw in the execution of the form. *Wink*

3)One thing given away too easily is trust

The opening line of the poem could use a little strengthening. One possible edit:

One thing, too easily given away, is trust;

4)Along his side through the forest of lies

This could be written as 'By his side, through the forest of lies.' It's a nitpick, I know; but, it just didn't sound right to me when I read 'along his side.' *Wink*

5)To spill it all out until it’s all been told.

This is a sentence fragment as written. Also, the two appearances of the word 'all' in five words comes across as stilted. A suggested edit:

It spills out until it's all been told:

I included an enjambment at the end of this line because I think it would enhance the flow into the next line and the overall meaning of both lines combined. *Bigsmile*

6)Your secrets and fears given to him in trust.

In conjunction with my suggested enjambment, I would end this line with a period. Just a suggestion.

7)In return, he weaves a web he calls truth.
Honesty, only in pieces of his choice;
His stories cloud the path ahead of you with lies
Intertwined within the tale for the ride.

Just threw in some suggested punctuation. In my opinion, punctuation should be consistently used throughout the poem or not at all.

8)You see your future in his eyes, your life’s ride
Laid out before you- the prospect is all talk.
Built on shaky foundation to yourself a lie
To blind the reality of the broken trust
Within you for going a path against your choice.
The mind knows what hides in the heart’s truth.

The line that begins 'built on...' is very unclear. What is built on shaky foundation? The future you envision? Then it states 'to yourself a lie.' This part appears to be enjambed to refer to the next line that begins 'To blind...' However, it would read as 'to yourself a lie to blind the reality of the broken trust,' which is grammatically incorrect. So the question is then is the 'to yourself' part referring to the shaky foundation or the lie? It is hard for me to suggest an edit for this part as the meaning is hard for me to decipher. I do suggest editing this to clarify for the reader.

9)A difference in opinion debate of the truth
With only yourself, the battle becomes a ride,
Rough and jagged it’s stuck between the choices
The two dies far apart stopping the talks
Crumpling away the progress of trust
Betrayed over the sake of a lie.

This stanza is also somewhat murky. It appears that there should be a comma between opinion and debate in the first line, but then it should be written 'A difference of opinion, a debate of the truth,'. The next line also appears to be an enjambment of the first line which would make more sense then how I first read it to mean that you were suddenly by yourself on the ride.

In the third line, it is unclear what 'it's' is referring to, is it the battle or the ride? Also, the re should be some sort of punctuation between the words 'jagged' and 'it's.' Possibly a period or a semi-colon, depending on what the word 'it's' is referring to in the line.

In the fourth line, the correct usage of the word dies would be die in the context that contains it. But, what are 'the two?' Are they the passengers of the ride or the opinion and debate, or maybe they are what 'it's' is in reference to in the previous line?

In the fifth line, 'crumpling away' is not something I can envision. I can imagine 'crumpling the facade' or 'chipping away,' but to crumple means to compact inwards and I am not certain how that would be associated with the word away which would signify removing something.

This stanza could use some editing for clarity, in my opinion. *Wink*

10)Whispered in confidence, the darkest lie
Destroyed the most reassured truth.
Not worthy of the innocent trust.
Not ready for this harsh ride.
Shallow repetition, it’s all talk;
Sucked into making an ill fated choice.

Some suggested punctuation.*Wink*

11)In the end, it’s all about choice.
Breaking through from the lie,
Coming down from the high to talk.
Light shed uncovering the truth.
Coming to a stop getting off the ride,
Holding tight to reclaimed trust.

I threw in a comma, free of charge.*Wink*

12)In a moment trust give out by choice.
Looking for a ride taken for a lie.
Search for the truth when all there is are the empty talks.

As I mentioned earlier, the envoy does not follow the sestina format. You may want to edit this to adhere more strictly to the form. The sestina is a pretty complex form and i do think you did rather well with it. *Bigsmile*

*Star*Imagery*Star*
8 Points


The metaphor of trust being a ride was very apt. I found that you did a great job of maintaining that metaphor throughout the poem. One suggestion that I would have would be to add a little detail to the scenery of the ride. An example:

through the forest of lies

could be re-written to be:

through the dark and perilous forest of lies

This would give the reader a greater sense of your view on trust, as a whole, and really go a long way in setting the tone and mood of your poem.

*Star*Content*Star*
7 Points


I thought you shared some good insight in this poem. I found myself almost moved by the poem, but some of the questions I raised on several of the stanzas made it hard for me to relate to the poem, at times.

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*
7 Points


The sestina does not adhere to any syllabic meter. rather, it adheres to a strict usage of end words to proved structure and rhythm to the poem. That being said, I thought that this poem flowed well at times. I think with a little more attention to the punctuation of the poem, this poem could flow much more cleanly and crisply.

*Star*Artistry*Star*
7 Points


I think there is some room for improvement in the tone and voice of this poem, as I have mentioned in the word usage, imagery and meter portians of this review.

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
35 Points


I thought this poem showcaes some really good insight and was a good rendition of a very strict form. With a little editing for clarity and a bit of polish, this poem could truly shine. Thank you for entering it into our contest and giving me the chance to read and review it.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
9
9
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


Hey, look! It's about me! I love it! *Bigsmile*

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


Well, I like how you presented it. The facts of my life are nothing new to me. *Wink*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

1)I think it would be an interesting idea to link to items of interest in my port. No, I am not trying to be an attention hound with that. I just thought that when i finished. I pretended to be someone not associated with the interview and said to myself "self, wouldn't it be grand to be able to view some of his writting?" *Bigsmile*

2)You may want to edit out the little arrows that came from the email. they kind of distracted from the writing.

3)Also, it would look better visually to change the font and color of the text for the questions so that they are easily discerned from the answers.

Well, I had to throw my three cents in! *Wink*


*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


This was a fun project to work on and I think you did a great job with it. I hope to see more of these posted eventually.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
10
10
Review of ~Stained Shadows  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


The poem speaks of your attraction to dark things.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


I welcome the shadows clouding my stains.
And the small times we spend together, I am free.
Together, forever stained.

The ending to this poem is well written and powerful. *Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*


1)They kindly bless me with what I seek, gaining what I would willingly give:
My stained soul.

I suggest ending the first line with a colon, as the second line is a sentence fragment.

2)My blood thins from their cold touch,
My heart slows;
In happiness I smile, for I see in the shadows
Others who have stains scaring their empty souls.

i have encluded my suggestion for punctuation in the passage and a suggested word change ('from' instead of 'with.')

3)Loving me for my stained soul, stained beyond light's warmth;
Forever, I will be one with the shadows.

I thought that the repitition of stained twice in three words was a tad stilted. I am not sure that it was needed. here is my suggested edit for this passage.

4)I welcome the shadows clouding my stains
And the small times we spend together, I am free;
Together, forever stained.

Another suggested punctuation change.

*Star*Imagery*Star*


The imagery in this poem is full of allusions to hiding in the dark for comfort. It also infers that in the light there is pain. Wonderfully dark poem! I liked:

staining me beyond the light
stains scaring their empty souls
shadows clouding my stains

*Star*Content*Star*


The content of this poem was moving and dark. I could feel the comfort you found in the darkness as I read this poem. Good job!*Thumbsup*

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*


This free verse poem does not appear to have any syllabic or rhyming contraints. They are not needed. The poem has a flow of its own. I thought the repitition of shadows and stains, for the most part, held the poem toghether and set the tone well.

*Star*Artistry*Star*


The dark brooding mood was definitely captured in this poem. You did a marvelous job of guiding the reader through your journey in the shadows. *Bigsmile*

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


This is a wonderfully dark poem that conects the reader to your realm of stain and shadow. Bravo!

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
11
11
Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


I suggest 'Listen Close' for a title. *Bigsmile* That being said, I think this is an interesting poem about how narrow are the scope of our perceptions.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


childish delight found deep in a puddle of mud

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*


1)bringing to mine ears a multitude of sound

This should be 'bringing to my ears' and sounds should be plural if there is a multitude of them.

2)Eight of thirteen lines in this poem end in an ellipse. I would balk at having to add one ellipse to a poem. I would suggest editing the punctuation to remove most, if not all of these ellipses.

*Star*Imagery*Star*


The imagery tended to be shallow, at some points. This leaves the reader to feel detached from the content of the poem. An example:

The rustle of the leaves, happy notes sung on a chime

How do the leaves rustle? Are the leaves still alive and attached to a tree or are they dead and lifeless on the ground? This reads as more of an observation in passing, rather then an event shared. Think about the impact of these images on you. What emotions do they evoke? Work that in with your descriptions and share the experience with the reader. *Wink*

*Star*Content*Star*


I thought that this poem could have been more moving by including the reader into the emotional reactions to the scene unfolding.

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*


This is a free verse poem, so there is no syllabic or rhyming requirement. The poem, in my opinion, would have much better flow with the removal of the ellipses.

*Star*Artistry*Star*


I do think there is some good insight within this poem. There are also some images that I enjoyed, such as:

childish delight found deep in a puddle of mud
trees yawning in tired relief

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


I feel that the concept behind this poem is wonderful. With a little editing, this poem could truly shine.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
12
12
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. This is review #4 of 5 in your winning bid at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


Wow, this is one heck of a deep poem and a great use of the form CinqTroisDecaLa. *Thumbsup*

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


I'm drowning in the sweet shards of my mirror's lifeless ocean.
Trapped inside my darkness, I seek the songs that will make me whole.

Such a powerful image that evokes sorrow and longing. *Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*


I thought that the word usage in this poem was brilliant. I also thought that this was a superb rendition of the CinqTroisDecaLa form.

*Star*Imagery*Star*


You have outdone yourself with imagery in this poem. I think this is probably my favorite poem, of yours, that I have read to date. *Bigsmile*

*Star*Content*Star*


This poem is a very moving description of depression and despair seizing control of your life. Well done! *Wink*

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*


The poem flowed very well and the 15 syllable count meter was applied consistently throughout the poem. The flow was excellent! *Thumbsup*

*Star*Artistry*Star*


I think that, in this poem, you have melded your talent for imagery with a strong meter and a very concise message. I definitely give you very high marks for artistry in this poem.

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


This poem is a wonderful example of a CinqTroisDecaLa poem. I truly enjoyed reading it. It is a marvelous poem. *Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
13
13
Review of Violation  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This poem speaks of betrayal, violation and a loss of innocence. A very stark subject.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


In a single instant
A shimmering veil fell
From my innocent eyes

Such a potent description of a loss of innocence.

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*


1)Bonus points for using the word miscreants! *Wink*

2)Seriously, your word usage was both appropriate and profound. Kudos!

3)Grammatically, I could find no contention with your poem.

*Star*Imagery*Star*


1)For such a short poem, this sure packs a punch in the imagery department.

swept through swiftly in the night
The miscreants stole into me
A shimmering veil fell

These are all very powerful images. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Content*Star*


1)To be honest, I thought the subject matter was about rape from the victim's perspective. This is a very haunting poem and it does evoke emotional response from the reader. Good job! *Thumbsup*

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*


1)This poem is written in free verse form from what I can see. There appears to be no syllabic meter, but the poem does have a good flow when read.

*Star*Artistry*Star*


1)I give you high marks for imagery and for using line break effectively to create flow in this poem.

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


I was moved by this poem and am glad I chose to stop by and read it. It is very concisely written and well crafted. I tip my hat to you. *Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
14
14
Review of A long way to go  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


Robert Frost is one of my favorite poets. The brief description of this story drew me in like a moth to a flame.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


“You are born differently, so be different. The world will show unpleasant attitudes, but even if the world turns upside down, TRUST YOURSELF.”

This is some solid advice.*Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Spelling-Format*Star*


1)Teenage years are supposed to be the golden years of one’s life, right? I had always heard that High School years were the golden years. But, sayings have a tendency to change from region to region.

2)My teenage life was full of bitterness and pain. Ok, this sentence sets the tempo for this piece.

3)Today I’ll open such a chapter of my life which shows what made my depressed days brighter. I suggest placing a comma after today.

4)There are some words, some advice of elders I’ll always treasure in my mind. There was one particular piece of advice which still rings in my mind whenever I feel blue. Since these two sentences say basically the same thing and you are only discussing the one piece of advice, I suggest taking the first sentence out and it sounds redundant.

5)Sources of inspiration which come right after my family are my teachers. Obviously, last but not the least comes those special people who leave footprints in my heart-my friends. I would suggest editing these two sentences for clarity. Since the rest of the story does not mention friends, I would suggest leaving the second sentence out. Here is my suggestion:

My teachers were sources of inspiration, second only to my family.

6)I never participated...free time meant reading. This paragraph perplexed me. I found myself wondering why you chose not to participate in physical education classes. I would strongly suggest adding in that information as it will help to clarify your motivations for visiting the library.

7)Though I had to pressurize my mind to keep away from outdoor games. After all, a game of volleyball does seem attractive at the age of fourteen, but I could gain something more precious with that time. Suggested edit in quotes. I found that the use of parenthesis to be unneeded in this sentence.

8)Even their children who studied in the school, both juniors and seniors, were my friends.Same edit with this sentence. The same effect could be found with commas.

9)I was a pure science student during my O-levels. I have never heard of this term before. You may want to rephrase this for better understanding for a wider audience.

10)A slightly tanned complexion (not very dark), intelligent eyes, thin, wavy thin hair and a very intellectual brain made Mrs. Ruby different from others. A suggested edit for clarity.

11)That Tuesday, Miss forgot to come to our class. We addressed all the females as Miss, and all the males as Sir. Though I could understand that it was her mistake, I did not call her. Being the outcast of the class, I was afraid to take steps myself. Here is a suggested edit for clarity.

12) “I have promises to keep
And miles to go
Before I sleep.” I would suggest giving Robert Frost credit for penning this wonderful poem.

13)“Miss, if I did call you, the others would push me down from the broken stairs, and only I know how much it hurts, both physically and mentally.” What are the broken stairs? Was this a literal or emotional reference?


*Star*Setting*Star*


I would suggest including the name of the school and town it was in, or at least including the region this school was in. It may help the reader put this story in context. Also, what did the library look like? Was it row upon row of tall shelves of books or did it have a central seating area and many rows of smaller shelves, allowing people to see everyone inside the library? Some more description would definitely add some flavor to this story.

*Star*Characters*Star*


Main Character-Since this is an autobiographical piece, the main character is yourself. I would have liked to understand better what motivations you had for visiting the library. Was reading a passion? Was it an escape from the cruelty of your classmates? Maybe both? Also, how did you feel about Mrs. Ruby? She is obviously someone who touched your life. Were you her star pupil?

Mrs. Ruby-The description of her was good. I found it easy to picture her. However, why did she expect a student to call her if she missed her class? Did you two have a friendship outside of the teacher-student relationship? Was this something that had happened before?

I found it hard to relate to the story being told because I am unfamiliar with the characters and could not easily discern their motivations for many of the actions in this story.

Also, in the first paragraph, you mention that your teenage years are filled with bitterness and pain. Yet, you do not mention why you felt that way in the body of your story or cite examples.


*Star*Plot*Star*


The plot is pretty straight forward, the teacher missed class and scolded you for not reminding her. In the process, she gave you some sound advice for life that has stayed with you.

*Star*Artistry*Star*


i think that this story shows flashes of insight. I also enjoyed several of the descriptions such as:

I had to pressurize my mind to keep away from outdoor games
For my loved ones, I can even sacrifice my life, but that does not mean I’d have to forget myself

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


I found this to be a touching story of self discovery. I think that this story would be much more impactful with some small changes and a little expansion on the already existing themes. This could be a true gem of a story that shines with wisdom. Thank you for sharing this story with us. Thank you for your donation to Insomniac's Playground, I hope you find my feedback helpful. *Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
15
15
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing
 
The Eyes of the Beholder Open in new Window. [18+]
What the eyes see depends on the beholder.
by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author Icon
with Insomniac's Playground and entering it into the contest. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This is a surprising story about innocence lost. I was surprised by the ending and captivated by the story.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


That memory defines my childhood just as a singular volcanic peak arising from the sea defines the waves.

or

My memories of that day are in shards, shattered fragments of sounds and colors, broken segments of odors and conversations.

These are such wonderfully powerful images. Wow!*Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Spelling-Format*Star*
8 Points


1)Word count was provided at the top of your page. I suggest using the count feature in your edit tool bar to get an exact count of your words. Still, it was provided and looks to be well under the cap of 3000 words. Good job!

2)The genre prompt was not listed in your entry post, nor next to your word count; however, it clearly states in your title that the primary genre is Gothic. *Wink*

3)The story prompt was bolded in both uses at the beginning and end of your story. Wonderful!*Thumbsup*

4)Your word usage was excellent throughout the story. You have demonstrated your talent in description in the passages quotes as my favorites. *Bigsmile*

5)The memory of those eyes, Those eyes filled with yearning and with triumph. That memory even yet fills my soul with dread and with despair, even now. Suggested edit for clarity.

6)That memory They define my childhood just as a singular volcanic peak arising from the sea defines the waves. I suggested this edit to include the eyes with the memories to define his childhood. I think it is a nice touch, but just a cosmetic suggestion.*Bigsmile*

7)My other boyhood memories are a homespun miasma of childish dreams and disappointments. These memories consist more of happiness and comfort, rather than of sorrow and pain. Suggested edit for clarity.

8)But, the memory of that day, the memory of and those eyes, these are a scar seared into my soul forever more. Suggested edit for clarity.

9) Memories are like the fragments of a broken mirror, reflecting in our imperfect vision that which our souls both revere and revile. Wow, another powerful sentence. I like it! *Thumbsup*

10)Other then a few suggested edits, the grammar and spelling in the story were excellent. Well done!

*Star*Setting*Star*
8 Points


You did remarkably well in describing the setting in the story.

I remember that day began filled with excitement and anticipation. I woke with the first slant of sun through my bedroom window. The cheery notes of robins singing to the babies in their nests lilted in the trees. I could hear the clink of dishes and pots downstairs as Momma and my sister Mitzi fixed breakfast. The homey odor of coffee and pancakes and sausages wafted up through the floor registers to my room. Today was the day! Today was Mayfair!

I could almost smell the breakfast cooking and hear the birds in the trees. Great job! I would have liked to see a description of the house included in the beginning of the story. It would have helped to set the mood and maybe give us clues to the timeline that this story was taking place in.

We know it is Gilead, and it feels like it is a small town among several in the area. What did Gilead look like? Was the fair in Gilead or somewhere else? What did the stadium look like (this could be a detail that will help set the timeline as well?)

*Star*Characters*Star*
7 points


Timmy-I was put off by the first person view of the story at first; however, you did manage to pull it off and introduce us to this character. I found myself attached to the character by the end of the story and better understood why it was written in first person point of view. Great job of letting his inner turmoil and personality shine through in the story with the usage of internal dialog. *Thumbsup*

Jeff-He seems to be the stereotypical jock of todays world. He is focused on winning the race. His motivations are clear and shallow (appropriate for his character.)

Momma-She seemed to be the stereotypical mother hen. She constantly corrected her children and nitpicked over their appearance and behavior. Her character was subservient to Poppa and made me believe that this story took place farther back in the past.

Poppa-He was the ruler of the roost. He controlled every aspect of his families lives and it looks like maybe a good portion of Gilead's lives too. He was strict and somewhat detached. You could tell that Jeff was his pride and joy.

Mitzi-She was the carefree and loving sister. She had a bubbly personality that shined. I liked her character and I could tell that she was well loved by her brother, Timmy. I would have liked to see more of a development of her motivations for wanting to be the fair's maiden. Obviously, it was well known that she would be sacrificed. Why did she want to go along with it. What was her internal motivation. I was perplexed by this. It is the one point that rankled me after finishing this story.

*Star*Plot*Star*
9 Points


I thought the plot was well done in this flashback piece. I do not think the story would have worked in first person point of view if it had not been written as a flashback piece. The ending was foreshadowed well, but was still unexpected. Great twist!

I have a couple of suggestions. this story may be even more powerful if you include a section at the beginning of the story in the current time to show us what sparks this memory to the surface of his mind. Also, it would have been a great touch to show him in the present time reacting to the memory, maybe with some closure. This would complete the circle, in my opinion.

*Star*Artistry*Star*
8 Points


With your wonderful descriptions and excellent word usage, your voice shines through in your writing. This is a very well written story, and largely polished. You creatively used the senses to involve your reader in the setting. Also, your plot was well executed. This made this a creative and well rounded short story. Well done, well done.*Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*
Total-40 Points


I was enchanted by this story. It was truly a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing this story in the contest. Good luck!*Wink*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
16
16
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


This is a touching poem about not taking the wonders of daily life for granted.

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


Find a way to hear
The whispers below the sky,
Or the right moment
Can just pass you by

Such a simple and yet powerful statement.

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*


1)So silent,
Like when the pine trees sway.

Punctuation suggestion.

2)Since this is free verse, there really doesn't need to be any punctuation if you so choose. I only chose to suggest the previous correction as the period afer silent tending to interupt the flow of the poem for me.


*Star*Imagery*Star*


1)I would have liked to have seen you go into more description of the objects in the poem. Example:instead of saying 'hear a whisper in the mountains', you could have said something along the lines of 'listen for the whipser in the giant lonely mountains.' Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. *Bigsmile*

2)I did enjoy the description of 'Above the crystal snow.'

*Star*Content*Star*


I found that this poem did not move me as much as it could have. It seemed like you were somewhat detached from the subject matter and did not include the personal impact of 'listening' on yourself. What do you hear when you 'listen?' How does it make you feel?

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*


Since this is free verse, there wasn't any conventional syllabic meter to the poem; however, it did have a flow of its own. Good job!

*Star*Artistry*Star*


I give you high marks for creativity and intentions. I would still like to see you delve in more depth to this subject in the poem.

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


I think this poem has a wonderful lesson imbedded within. I firmly believe that, by expanding upon the existing poem, you could really have a profound poem on your hands.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

b}My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
17
17
Review of ~Unfelt Emotions  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*

Mummy!*Bigsmile*


*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


I try to stand tall but my knees can not longer support my empty shell

This image captured the unsteady support of a decomposing body rather well. *Thumbsup*

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*


1)I sniffle, as unfelt emotions rack my soul into blackened pain.

I suggest a comma after sniffle. Also, I stumbled over the phrase unfelt emotions in this line as it is describing the impact the emotions are having upon the body. A minor point, I would suggest getting rid of the word unfelt in the above line.

2)I try to stand tall, but my knees can no longer support my empty shell.

I suggest a comma after tall. Also, the word 'not' appears to be a typo and should be 'no?'

3)I would look for help, but my eyes have long wasted away.

Pesky commas...*Bigsmile*

4)The skin that once covered me in warmth, has thinned and molded.

Comma comma comma chameleon...they come and go...they come and gooooooo!

5)I would smile, but my mouth has been sewed shut.

Insert comma here *Up*

6)I would glady(*Left*should be gladly) drink the devil's water, if he offered;

I am the punctuation king!

7)Feeling it's warming taste taint my disquesting mortal body.

Did you mean disgusting or disquieting? Unfortunately I could not find the word disquesting in the dictionary. It sounds like a good word though...*Wink*

Please don't hurt me...*Bigsmile*

*Star*Imagery*Star*


Great imagery! I especially liked:

emotions rack my soul into blackened pain
my knees can not longer support my empty shell
I am holding hands with death*Left**Thumbsup*

*Star*Content*Star*


You definitely have a talent for dark poetry! This certainly captured the moment of 'turning' for an undead. Great job!

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*


While I could discern no syllabic pattern or rhyming structure, this poem did seem to flow well without them.

*Star*Artistry*Star*


I think this is probably the first poem I have ever read that described so well what it might be like to become undead. I really liked it! Original and dark!

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


This is a very well written poem with a few cosmetic flaws. I really enjoyed reading it. Can I camp in your portfolio for a few days? *Bigsmile*

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
18
18
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

*Star*My first Impression*Star*


Interestingly enough, this poem reminded me of a song by a band called TSOL called "Dance With Me." Where was I? Oh, yes, back to my review! *Bigsmile*

*Star*My favorite Part*Star*


Touch me, my sinful lover.
Arouse the pain that flows
savagely inside me.

Pleasure and pain, rolled into one and typed up in this stanza!

Here are some suggestions that I have:

*Star*Grammar-Word Usage-Format*Star*


1)Look deep inside me, my vile flame,
and we will fester in passion
where light ceases to exist.

I dislike placing a semi-colon so near the end of a line because, well just because! I would suggest moving the word 'where' to the third line to avoid the punctuation and improve flow.

2)Cover me with your dark heart.

I believe you meant to use the word your in this line instead of you. Darn lazy spell checkers that don't pick up correctly spelled typos! *Bigsmile*

3)One bound in two, tainted by love;
Drowning in the sins that created me.

A semantical change and purely cosmetic. Use it if you like it or ignore it if you are happy with how it is currently written.

4)For I love you to death.*Left*remove this period
and in death I am one.

5) This is an interesting format. There is no syllabic meter and no rhyming scheme. Centered free verse!

6)Caress my wings of innocence lost.
Taste the impurity
that your insane affections gave me

Since the syllabic count is not an issue, I would suggest maintaining the 3 line stanza format by moving 'of innocence lost' up to the first line.

*Star*Imagery*Star*


1) I think the poem had some very interesting dark images:

fester in passion
tainted by love
Drowning in the sins that created me*Left**Thumbsup*
(i)Seperate the stains that restrain me

Definitely no pink fuzzy love references here!

2)Reject the reflection that mocks you

It definately took me a moment to get that this was a reference to being possessed. I am not sure I would change it, but it is a little too subtle in my opinion.

*Star*Content*Star*


I will say that this poem certainly took me to a dark place.

*Star*Meter & Flow*Star*


1) This poem has no detectable meter, but I think your writing overcame that obstacle. I still found the poem to flow fairly well without syllabic meter and rhyming.

*Star*Artistry*Star*


This is definitely dark subject matter. A love poem written to the demon possessing the subject. I like it. A+ for originality. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall Impression*Star*


I hope this poem does well in the contest that it is entered in. I found it to be a dark voyage through the eyes and heart of someone possessed. Thanks!

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
19
19
Review of Innocence  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

My first impression was this is a well written work of imagery. I enjoyed the likening of this moment to a silent movie.

My favorite part had to be:

The baby girl sat balancing on this pumpkin that looked to be bigger than her, with her golden curls dancing in the sun. She wasn’t facing me as I stood at a distance, watching this family like a silent film. I felt the innocence and wonder that this infant had while conquering a giant gourd; I wanted to live vicariously through this baby.

What a wonderfully written image. The emotions that the character felt while watching this scene seem to shine through the words used. Well done!

Here are some suggestions that I have:

1)Paused next to a few white plastic tables with benches, I am uncertain that this is the correct tense used for the story. I would suggest using pausing.

2)the sun was able to penetrate the protective shield of my glasses. Were they sunglasses? If so, I would suggest changing it to reflect that. If not, the protective shield of glasses would not make much sense in the context it is currently used in.

Well written flash fiction. It was an enjoyable read rife with wonderful sentiments and touching imagery. Great job!

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
20
20
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

My first impression was "this is a wonderful idea!"

My favorite part had to be:

The fact that this contest is specifically about poems related to animals and our love for them.

Here are some suggestions that I have:

1)I suggest that anyone who reads this review come and check out this contest. It looks to be quite fun and with very few restrictions. Support your fellow animal lovers!

2)It looks like this contest could use some more entries, I am sure there are plenty of us out there who can help supply some entries.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
21
21
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

My first impression was "hey, there are some great prizes and it's for a great cause!"

My favorite part had to be:

Each month, the sig gifts and review gifts will change, though the gift point gifts will remain unchanged. I plan to promote the works of many talented artists here.Also I plan to promote some wonderful review forums. Anyone who wants their sig shop or review forum promoted, may e-mail me. I don't have a billboard yet, but I think I can help the other members this way


Great way to support the WDC community as a whole!

Here are some suggestions that I have:

Keep up the great work!

Everyone that reads this review should stop by and check out this great raffle. If you need a sig or want to see a showcase of some of the talented artists on WDC, this is a great place to visit.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Review of The Beast  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

My first impression was "where does this story take place?"

My favorite part had to be:

I expected him to have black eyes but instead they were a liquid shade of blue, thin in their transparency but at the same time deep. There was anger in his eyes, without a doubt, but most of what showed through was fear. The likelihood was that he had encountered few people in his life and of those he had met he had probably not been very close to them. Certainly not close enough for them to attempt harnessing him.

Great visual!

Here are some suggestions that I have:

1) The setting- The setting is the most critical part of a story. It draws the reader in and sets the tone. Where does this take place? You mention a yard, was it a front yart or a courtyard? What era was this in? You wrote about guns, was this present era?

2) The gryphon- The description was great except for one thing. You assumed that the reader would know what a gryphon is. I would suggest adding a touch more about gryphons so that you will touch a wider audience.

3) Cliche Alert- He is the son of a blacksmith and his parents have died. Both of these plot devices are cliche in Fantasy writing. I would suggest rethinking his background.

I found very little in the way of grammatical or spelling errors. You write with a clear voice and your word usage is good. While there are some major flaws that I have pointed out, the story is well written. With some editing, this story would be a true gem.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Review of Stranger  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

My first impression was this is an interesting dilema: to become attached to a stranger.

My favorite part had to be:

Then I played the
Wild Card
And asked him
Where tomorrow
He would go...

Intersting play on words. I liked it.

Here are some suggestions that I have:

1)the plight of that night and To help him in his plight appear fairly close together in the poem. I would suggest rewording the first occurance to something like: his worries that night to improve the flow of the poem.

2)He asked to stay a night
What harm could a night be?
I asked myself

A similar observation with this stanza. I suggest changing the last line to: I thought to myself

I enjoyed this poem. It was an interesting concept and fairly well written. I was compeled to smile after readingit. Good job!

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
24
24
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

My first impression was "wow, this is a great start to your novel!"

My favorite part had to be:

Our veneration for Police Uncle was without a doubt a tangible force—my earliest writing journals are filled with him; Lanie, Taylor, Jeannie and I argued violently about who would get to sit next to him during summertime dinner (which was a huge and complicated affair); when we heard his police siren blaring down the motionless drive we all immediately ran, fought and kicked to be the first to be thrown in the air, the first to receive the candy that was surely hidden in Police Uncle’s pocket next to the handcuffs—to four bored little girls, Police Uncle was a god.

This is a wonderfully written paragraph. The imagery is rife with your fondness for Police Uncle. Well done!

Here are some suggestions that I have:

1)I think you do an excellent job of setting the stage for a novel in this prologue. The first paragraph almost seems like you are describing a photograph. You may want to add that in for clarity.

2)You describe your characters in rich detail; and yet, it is not overdone. You have found a very good balance that flows well with your story.

3)I thought the way you set the stadge for your plot was a tad cliche: Little did we know that everything was about to change. It works, but you may want to tweak it a little.

4)I found your punctuation and grammer to be solid. I have been impressed with your short stories for being so polished in this fashion.

This is a great start to your novel! I hope you one day pick up the virtual pen and add more to this story. It looks to be an enjoyable read.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
25
25
Review of Timeless Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Poetry Emotion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)

My first impression was such a haunting story. I was pulled in from the first paragraph to the last.

My favorite part had to be:

Somehow I find myself on my knees, one hand raised to stifle my sobs while the other rests against the stone, as though I can reach out and touch his dear flesh once more through the cold, hard surface.

Wonderfully written with powerfully dark imagery. Well done!

Here are some suggestions that I have:

1)The plot is wonderfully done. I love the twist at the end. I won't spoil it for other readers! :)

2)The story is rich with dark imagery and untertones. Great descriptions!

3)The only part that I had issue with was:

See, here is where they buried the first of those who died. The placement of the stones indicates the care and grief of the stricken families, back when that care and grief still mattered, before we all gave in to the inevitable and simply disposed of the bodies as quickly as we were able.

I would suggest an edit here for clarity. Something along the lines of:

See, here is where they buried the first of those who died. The placement of the stones indicates the care and grief of the stricken families. As we move deeper into the graveyard, you can see where we all gave in to the inevitable and simply disposed of the bodies as quickly as we were able. What a shame that care and grief became so common place.

Just my suggestion. :)

4)The main character was well written and fascinating. The other characters introduced were written well for the parts that they played.

All in all, this was a great short story and I am very glad to see that it won an award-i-con. Much deserved, in my opinion.

I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!

Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
34 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 2 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zenman7718