Excellent story! Johnny/Jonathan is a very well-developed character that I felt attached to. The point of the story was presented clearly, if a bit cliche. However, you took this common idea of the joys of childhood and the stress of being an adult and wrote about it in the form of a short story nearly perfectly. I found it hard to find anything you could change. If this was an ordinary story that I found randomly, I would not mention any of the small potential errors. But since you listed this on the Please Review page, I will give my suggestions on a few things.
In Part 1 you wrote, "'Well Johnny, don't forget you have to go to the dentist today and then go help your grandma and grandpa pick up sticks in their yard,' his mom condemned." I do not think "condemned" is the right choice of word here. It is overly complicated in comparison to the rest of the writing, and makes the reader have to stop for a few seconds and try to figure out what you mean. You are using "condemned" because Johnny's mom is condemning him to an afternoon working, but that does not become clear until later on. What if Johnny wanted to go to his grandparents' house? My first impression was that the mom was condemning Johnny for something he'd done, sort of an accusation. Instead, the true meaning is an action, not really the words that the mom spoke. This is, in my opinion, an inappropriate use of a dialogue tag. It pulls the reader away from the story. A lot of times, it is better to use a simpler dialogue tag, like "said".
In Part 2 you wrote, "Jonathan pulled onto the highway and began the 40 minute trek that he does everyday." The word "trek" is typically used for a voyage by foot. Your character is not walking, but driving. This does not make the word use incorrect, as it can sometimes mean any journey, but it does elicit some confusion in the reader because of it. Again, this draws him away from paying attention to the story just a little bit. A couple sentences later, you write, "It's about to be a long, silent ride home." You say this after Jonathan has already started driving, which means it is not "about" to be this, it already is. In this same sentence, you say that it is a "ride". You should replace this with "drive" for consistency. For this story, description is not very important as it focuses on one character and it is very short, but in future writing remember to describe the setting so that we can see the story.
Finally, what does the title "Bugs in Amber" mean? I know it is probably some genius analogy, but I just don't understand it. Is it referring to the carefree play of a child, crystallized and frozen in memory, to be looked at and longed for, but unable to be gained back, trapped in its hard and transparent prison? Is childhood the bug, once buzzing around joyfully, but now dead and encased in amber? This seems far-fetched. I would love an explanation.
I really hope my review helps improve your writing! It is a lovely story and I was very nit-picky reviewing it. Honestly, this is one of the better stories that I've read on this website. It is completely deserving of 5 stars. I'm going to be looking out for any more stories you post. |
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