A salutary tale! (In the UK the law is to wear a helmet.)
The rhyming couplets work well but you might like to think about a pair for 'As a member of the heavenly Host.' On the other hand, the missing line does bring the poem to an unexpected stop - rather like poor Charlie.
I think, also, that the syllable rhythm could do with a bit of polishing, it kind of stumbles here and there. Do a syllable and stress count on the lines and see what you think.
Spelling and stuff like that is ok.
I do like the humourous way you treat the subject, it hits home the message so much better than a ream of lectures. I also like the way that you point out that Charlie wears his leathers, if you've ever done a slider from a bike, you will know how they save your skin, and the flesh underneath. Again, it underlines the consequences of Charlie's momentary lapse.
Overall - a really good effort, well done!
What a great twist. I'll forgive the American spelling of my native tongue (You guys always leave out 'u' !) I enjoyed reading this. Good characterisation, minimal, but obvious, setting, realistic dialogue and the pace is fast enough without being breathless.
What a brilliant story! I love the way the full horror of the story unfolds, clue by little clue. The way the narrator's insanity builds a graphic picture, using the fluttering butterfly to lead him further astray and deeper into evil only had its impact after I had finished reading it.
I sympathise with the poem. As an ex-teacher, all I can say is, keep the stars in your eyes, but be prepared for more paperwork than you ever thought possible. The profession needs people with stars.
I like the line:
'The beauty of autumn is seen in the distance.'
And the way you have adapted it in the last stanza.
To me, the rhythm of the lines is a bit chunky, the beat staggers along here and there, maybe you could try counting syllables? Or ask yourself is this word actually necessary?
Linking the stanzas together with the repition of the last line is a good idea - so when I came to the last verse I stumbled, but it does work, making me think about the autumn/winter change.
Overall - it needs a bit more work, but I do like the imagery.
OOOOooo! I like the tension you build up in the story and the cliffhanger ending.
A couple of points to improve on, think about 'dramatise, not tell' - if fingers are drumming on a desk, then that builds the atmosphere, no need to tell the reader that impatience is the cause. Have a look through and see if you can see others. If you can edit out the tellings and keep in the dramatics, you will have more words for story.
Overall, I liked it, it is a story with potential. What happens next? Write another 'chapter'!
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of rabid nonsense. I'm going to have another go in a minute, but I managed to have police with giraffes in their pockets, I wonder if they are the Species Squad?
A thought- and action-provking poem, hitting home accurately. Random acts of kindness, even just a beaming smile, make this world a cheerier place.
I can't see anything that jumps out at me as a point for improvement.
Well done, keep up the good work!
A tearing cry from the depths of being alone - I hesitate to say lonliness, it is both more and less than that. The last line is the barb, without it, this poem would be only a dismal rant, with that last comment about feeling alive lifts the whole work to a higher plane. I cannot say that I like it but that is because of the content, it does move me and I applaud it - bravo! (In the same way, I don't like being unhappy, but if there is no contrast of emotions, how do you recognise happiness?)
Keep on expressing yourself.
A nice rendering of growing out of being afraid of the dark - well, almost growing out of it.
I feel that some of the lines don't flow as well as they could have, for example:
Sometimes I cry, I weep,
At the world until dawn,
For there’s a night-time creep,
To this I have no brawn
It's the last line that I think stumbles a little - the rhyme feels forced rather than natural.
On the other hand:
Now I am much older,
A newly grown woman,
Am I any bolder?
I think perhaps I am
feels more natural - it flows without stumbling and makes a good counterpoint at the end.
Overall: A good effort, the whole poem encapsulates that moment when you begin to realise that that there is (probably) nothing to be afraid of - maybe...
Well done! Keep on rhyming.
Wonderful! A real chuckle!
The story flows well and the way you have used poetry to relate the tale fits well. The twist at the end is clever.
Keep on rhyming!
An interesting poem, the physical shape draws the eye into the text and echoes the story line.
The sonnet structure works well with the subject.
I like it
I love the message of this poem - how much of life do we miss by rushing around?
A couple of spelling errors - weather - rain or shine do you mean 'whether' or not?
I liked it - pause for a second to enjoy this poem.
Z
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zehzeh
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 1:00pm on Dec 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
