Hi Sol,
This was a thoughtful and moving poem. I liked the analogy of the tape and the box to life and the damage that can be caused by tough times. Just a few minor things:
- I think I would use 'far away' instead of 'long away'
- I wondered whether you meant 'a memory wisely accepted and a lesson wisely learned'
I liked the way you made the point at the end that we can choose to be angry or bitter about the past or accept the lesson from the pain and move on. But, at times, I also thought you were saying that removing the tape was necessary to see what was inside the box. That sounded like you were saying that pain has a purpose. I think you meant that pain does have a purpose but should be accepted for the lessons it teaches.
Hello Bob,
Really nicely done. The characters were well developed and interesting. The dialogue and the descriptions of the characters' actions were blended together in a way that was complementary. I also liked the way that Muzzy's philosophy was worked into the story. Their interaction when he talked about his views of life was both fun and thoughtful.
A couple of small things - there were some small spelling errors and one question from me: it seemed like the date was happening indoors but Muzzy bought ice cream at the end - I didn't understand how that would have been possible unless they went out at some point. I would have given this piece 5 stars otherwise.
By the way, what was the meaning of the quote at the beginning?
Hi Sharon,
I enjoyed this piece very much. I think you have a real knack for storytelling and pulling a reader in. I couldn't stop reading and felt Audrey's pain over having to deal with feelings like loneliness and like worrying about being abandoned by a family that was clearly so money-minded. It made me think about how painful it must sometimes be to grow older and feel that people don't care or visit as much and to worry about catering to their selfishness. That said, there were some things that I wanted to point out. For instance, where you said things like, "She had not really cared whether they liked her or not before. Just knew that they would continue to visit because she had a large amount of money invested after the sale of her beloved home." The sentences seem fragmented and a little distracting from the good storytelling. These sorts of things happened a number of times. At times, you also transitioned from Audrey talking about one family member to another a bit abruptly, which also took away a little bit from the very interesting story.
Thank you for a nice read.
Best,
EB
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