I'm reviewing this because I like to help other fantasy novelists grow and perfect their craft. Take none of this criticism personally. I'll start with this short review, and if you would like me to go into further detail, feel free to ask and I will do more of a line by line critique.
First, I'll start with what I liked.
There was conflict from the very first sentence. Immediately the reader is pulled in.
Good use of language and description. The chapter certainly wasn't dull.
It all flowed well and made sense. I never felt lost or confused reading this.
Here's what I didn't like.
Starting a story with a dream chapter is usually considered cliche and almost never a good idea, unless dreaming is a particularly important part of the story, but even then, I would see if there was another way to start it out.
There's a bit of cliche duologue. I especially picked it up in the line "Why have you forsaken us?"
Here's some things to note that might be considered more opinion than anything.
Formatting: With web writing, it's always nice for the reader's sake o keep a space between paragraphs. It just helps with visibility.
Length: This chapter's a bit short, which isn't a problem (Stephen King's fantasy novel, The Eyes of the Dragon is all short chapters [some as small as a paragraph]), but if the following chapters are all going to be longer, then perhaps a longer first chapter is in order to maintain a good story rhythm.
Overall, I enjoyed it and would like to see more of the story when it's done. Like I said, if you would like a more thorough review, just let me know and I would be happy to give it a more thorough picking through.
I like the emotions and the strong messages of this story. I think that for the most part it is well written, with a few errors.
"plus the added feature of the good earth provides both warmth in the wintertime and coolness in the summertime.
I think that this just sounds akward. I would change this to something along the lines of "plus the earth surounding it provides warmth in the wintertime and coolness in the summertime."
"My father doesn’t yell".
more of a naggy thing, but aparently there father doesn't usually yell.
"I am confused for my father has never turned his back on anyone in need.
coma after confused.
Also in the beginning you seem to switch between present and passed tense. ALways try to mianntain one.
First off let me say that poetry is not quite my specialty, but I'll give this a try anyway.
What follows is my opinion:
The good: I like the patriotism of the poem. Also I like the descriptions.
What could be improved: The last three lines of the poem are shorter than the others in the rest. I think that it would fit better if the line length had some consistency.
Overall it's a nice poem with a good message. Reviews are opinion and with poetry I think this is especially true. In the end you have to do what you think is best for your poem. KEep WRiting!
First off, I'm not very well read in poetry, but I'll give it a shot anyway.
The good: It reads nicely and isn't filled with too much flowery language like I have seen in other poems.
What could be improved: I just can't get passed this last line: "remember you heard it through this angels eyes. How can you hear throught eyes?
Besides that I think it's a very nice poem and would encourage you to definetly Keep Writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
First off I've never been one for sappy stories, but this one really made me sad. It's your typical story of fame and money not being able to buy happyness, and an very well writen story. I also like how you tell parts of the story through song lyrics.
What could be improved: "Somewhere in his mind he heard the sound of distant laughter . . . their laughter."
This linesort of confused me. Perhaps I missed something, but I don't quite get who is laughing.
Not too much else to coment on, so just keep writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like the overall idea of this essay. I agree with many of the things you say and think that it touches on something that touches everyone and is thought about less than it should be.
There are a few things that I thought could use improving.
"Fear. Probably the worst emotion any person could ever have to deal with. I think that these two thoughts could be combined with 'its'.
"the antonym that we give for it in the English language. the part 'in the english language' is understood and therefore unnessisary.
Courage is to seize life by its reins and shaping it,
I think this should be 'courage is seizing life by its reins and shapting it,..'
"a resilience that so many of lack."
Add us after 'of'
Overall I think the first half is a little rocky compared to the second half. I think you could work on that. I think a little re-organization of the ideas could help a lot.
Also I think that this could use a little more length, maybee elaborate more in some areas.
Finnaly, I think this is deceint and with some polish it could be a very nice essay.
I like this peice. You already have a good start in developing your charachter even this early in the story which is good. There are a few sentances here and there that are missing commas in apropriet places and this sentance:
< He cracked the fingers on his left hand first, they required the least force, he was stronger with his 'right it made the process easier.'> My persinal opinion would be for you to change the end of the sentance: 'right, and it made the process easier' but thats just a personal preferance.
Once again this is a good start to your story.
sincerely,
Tricnomistal
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/z_s_t1999
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 11:50am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
There was conflict from the very first sentence. Immediately the reader is pulled in. 
Starting a story with a dream chapter is usually considered cliche and almost never a good idea, unless dreaming is a particularly important part of the story, but even then, I would see if there was another way to start it out.