i think that this is one of the most honest instantaneous pieces i have come across today.great use of the senses in real time and just letting the moment be as it is, perfect with every sense of nature.
while i really appreciate the emotional attachment with which you have undertaken to put this poetry piece together, i almost feel that it is just too plain.it does not take any strains to notice the heartbreak strains in your undertones.
suggestion:
I have your picture and i want to break it.
I want to smash it into a million pieces,
like you have done to my heart.
please consider the above flow in the manner below:
your picture i possess, and to crash it i yearn.
the urges to smash it into infinite pieces urges my soul,
as you have done to my heart.
the latter part draws emotion,not merely to the author, but to the observer. this creates more 'picture' of the situation creating a more affilliate approach.i would also suggest that you create the title in the positive.as opposed to 'without you' title, i would humbly suggest a title like 'with you'. this would be more dynamic as it would give you more edge towards grasping the control of the situation.it also ensures that you can involve more characters to your literary piece.
positives:
let however nothing be taken from you talent.your poem is a crystal clear depiction of true life events in the modern society.the boldness of your unique style makes it even more interesting, it nonetheless has the disadvantage of being too brief.
keep writing.keep sharing your talent.
regards.
great use of a flowing and artful piece.enticing, captivating and thrilling all at the same time.i should think the end should have been more direct though.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/yuvenyach
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 9:26pm on Nov 27, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
