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Public Reviews
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1
Review of The Realization  Open in new Window.
Review by Yondus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like cats. I like poetry. I didn't like your poem about the cat, but this poem isn't about a cat so my opinion was based on an entirely incorrect presumption.
Therefore what is this poem about? The absent minded muddle through the mundane of the every day? The hopeless search for meaning in a world that only serves to provide the immediate, not the everlasting?

Are we like the cat? I don't think so because the cat chases for the chase, never really questioning why it does it. It's instinctual for them, they are hunters pure and simple.
But we take it a step further and question just what is the red dot and why do we chase it.
Cats, for all their obvious intelligence, will never do this. Perhaps that's a blessing for them and for us a curse that keeps us awake at night, or typing out reviews for random poetry when I should be working.

To finish, I like your poem about this futility, the inventing of useless tasks just to get ourselves through the day. We can all find ourselves bogged down by that, our we can use the realization of our awareness to that, to lift ourselves higher. In the end, the choice is yours, the red dot will always be there but you don't have to chase it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Yondus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I really like this short introduction and the exchange between Pruitt and Bryant. I'd be very interested to see where this story goes.
This isn't so much a review, just a note of support for your writing style.
Hope to see more of this!
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Review by Yondus Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm not sure where to start with the opening paragraphs of this piece, this little ramble that will no doubt haunt you into later adulthood (I am presuming you are quite young) with the face reddening memory of these teen-angst ridden clichés :)

At this point I need to mention that I'm not slating you for writing this, nor do I wish to take anything away from the sentiment. I wrote many similarly themed pieces in my teen years, all at least (and in many cases more so) as confused and poetically embittered as this one.
Writings like this are a very important though, and formative part of our early dabblings, they can help us to chip away at the stone to uncover some real gems of genuine expression and substance.
To apply this to your piece, I would highlight the quality of your final paragraph, with reference in particular to lines like, "But in the end the moon and sun always have each other's backs. And now and then they both create something spectacular together."
That's a really poignant sentence, I could honestly see that slotting into a later, more mature piece of yours which would lend all the gravity and sincerity deserved of the wonderful wording.
So there's clearly a talent there, but for me the opening form is beyond my elderly comprehension and I found more enjoyment from the more rational and contemplative closing words.
Nothing more to add, only that I hope you can relate to where I am coming from in this review and that you understand I don't mean to be in anyway insulting towards you.
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Review by Yondus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there,

Below is my review which you will see deals mostly with structure in the paragraph breakdowns. I have added some other thoughts regarding the style etc'at the end.

Hope this is useful, but remember these are just my suggestions!



"You may have heard the story going around about some trouble that I got myself into last week. It wasn't much of an event. But it was a bit embarrassing."



- The opening paragraph starts very informally and suggests the style will be almost like how the story would be told to a friend. I like this style and it can feel very natural. I would suggest that you tie up the last two sentences into one though, if just to maintain that roll. For instance it could be put as "Well it wasn't much of an event, but it was a bit embarrassing."
Just a suggestion, the idea is to show how more natural it could sound ( to me at least!).





"I was out Saturday morning, running my errands. (I) Should have been done and home by noon, but my first stop was the post office, where I stood in line for about an hour and fifteen minutes – all because of two people trying to get packages mailed to somewhere overseas – they didn't speak English well and there wasn't anyone to interpret, so we all waited. Finally, it looked like they were going to leave and take their packages with them. Apparently they didn't have enough money."


- This paragraph is fine, but you may want to consider the second sentence as it is a bit long winded and there are certainly areas where it could be separated. I would also change the last two sentences slightly to something like "Finally, it looked like they were about to leave and take their packages with them, as they apparently didn't have enough money." This is again just to maintain the flow of the description instead of using two unnecessarily separated sentences.



"I yelled out “How short are they?”

Three guys ahead of me in the line shouted back “About 4 foot 9 and 5 foot 2.”

At which point everyone in the building – about 15 or 20 of us - burst out laughing. Those poor two people looked around in bewilderment and were clearly uncomfortable."


- I would suggest that you revisit the last sentence here in this paragraph. It just seems a little forced and I'm not sure that "bewilderment" is the best descriptive noun for this type of scenario. Perhaps another word to describe their embarrassment would be better?




"Now I was beginning to get that mortified feeling seeping into the pit of my stomach. You know the one I'm talking about, where you just know that things are only going downhill from here."


- All good, but I would maybe change the last part to, "where you just know that things are only going to go downhill."



"One of them dropped a package and they both stooped down at the same time to pick it up and, yep, you guessed it. They knocked heads. Hard. This sent them both to the floor."


- I suggest maybe adding a word here in the last sentence, for example, "This sent them both clattering to the ground."



"This was the epitome of comical nonsense. There were actually some folks rolling around on the floor in laughter, some were crossing their legs, and others were bending over holding their stomachs. It was bubbling mayhem in the post office."


- Perhaps the last sentence should be placed in the middle here or combined with the first one? "This was the epitome of comical nonsense, it was now bubbling mayhem in the post office. There were actually..."




"As I looked over my shoulder I could see that they saw me. Now they looked angry. Did another 180 and walked over to their table. Both shook their fingers at me and asked “Why you make fun of us?”

- "I did another 180.." There may be a missing "I" here, but maybe not.



“That's not what I said. I only meant to help. I thought that if all you needed was five more dollars to get your packages mailed, that I could spare that much. There were a lot of us in line and we were all pretty busy, so I thought I could help move things along. I'm sorry for the way things turned out.”



- "..was five more dollars to get your packages mailed, then I could..." I just changed the second "that" for "then" here, just to avoid repetition of the word.



Overall I liked the piece. It is short, funny and well written for the most part.

The style is very much like a familiar correspondence letter, in that you seem to be very at ease with the audience you are addressing. It works well for something like this too, I would like to see other examples of your work to see if you have a different style with those also.

One thing you may want to keep an eye on is your pacing. Too many short sentences, or too many interruptions within a sentence, can break up the flow of the text and take away slightly from the content. You manage this pretty well for the most part but there are short areas where a quick editing could make the entire paragraph read a little better.

Great job though and keep it going.

Best regards,

Y.


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5
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Review by Yondus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Riddick,


I have made some structural and grammatical suggestions below to your text and have bracketed them to highlight. If you need any further explanation on any of them then just let me know!




"When a baby has been acknowledge(d) by its parents, they cuddle and pamper it with so much care."


"When a baby is asleep it brings peace and calmness, when awake and joyful brings joy and happiness." (Maybe use something else instead of "joyful" here so as not to repeat it afterwards with "joy". Perhaps "cheerful" would suffice?


"As it matures to an adult (it) brings unbalanced thoughts, thoughts of good and of bad.
(But) when on the bad side shame, sorrow, frustration, depression and of course (a) slow death. (the word "But" is not needed here)

"When on the good side (it) brings acknowledgement,joy,happiness and a state of rest in the mind." (I would think about rewording the last part if only to make it run a little better. The meaning is clear, but it could be stated, for example, "and a peaceful mindset.")

"The youth(s - remove this "s") are the future leaders, but if guided towards success via through their parents." (You should remove either "via" or "through" here as just one of them are suitable, but not both together.)

"The(n) at least our greatest fact would have come to reality." (Which fact are you referring to? Is "fact" the correct word here or did you mean "dream(s)"? Since fact implies an unchangeable reality already then I think you maybe meant to use a different word here?)

"Our need would be fulfilled
Our thirst quenched
Our hunger (is) satisfied
Our hopes (are) restored
Our dreams come(s) true." (You could remove the bracketed words here if you like since they are not strictly necessary, but that really depends on your style and how you like to read this paragraph. For me getting rid of these words keeps the remaining sentences in check with the second, "Our thirst quenched". This is just a suggestion though.)

"But on the contrary the orphans are not to be left out, they also have the features of the acknowledged child." (This is not a contrary point though, but a point in addition to your previous statements. Therefore I think you might want to adjust that word.)


"But as a matter of fact their future lies on a thin line of equilibrium between a bright future (and) as well a lost future. " (Remove the word "and" here)


"Some of them struggle and make it, some struggle and fail, some don`t care and are lucky to survive, some fail disgustedly (do you mean they are disgusted at themselves or that the act of failing is disgusting?), some in the process of their failure get depressed and cause a disaster that might claim life's ("the lives") of innocent people, some who failed gather themselves and fight till their dreams come true, some (gently) die away slowly." (Please check that the word "disgustedly" is actually what you mean here. "Life's" should be "the lives")



"I want to use this medium to plead with people to make out time and donate to the motherless babies all over the world." (use "to take the time" or "to make time to donate.." here instead of "to make out time")



"Those who can`t bear children, i do pity but (they) can as well (also) adopt this (these) children and train (them) then a saying goes "the rejected stone later becomes the corner stone"

(This needs some tidying up and the meaning is a little unclear to me. Is "train" the correct word here or would "teach" be more appropriate? I would word it as follows; "For those who cannot bear children, I pity them but they can also adopt and then teach these children. As they saying goes, "the rejected stone later becomes the corner stone".


Life is full of surprises and challenges (of) which i admire. ( You can remove the "of" here as it is not necessary.)

In a nut shell i conclude with a (the) theory that the "the thinkers of today, have the visions of tomorrow" ( Slight change here to "..i conclude with the theory..")




This is an interesting piece which implores the reader to think about the plight of children without parents or guidance throughout their formative years especially.

I have made some structural suggestions on how I think it could be worded better, but the context is fine and your point is accessible. Try to space your paragraphs a bit more to give emphasis on certain parts as they could become muddled together otherwise which can be a little confusing when you change the focus of your point.


I hope the above is useful. I can't give much creative feedback here as this seems to be an opinion piece and there isn't anything I really disagree with you on.


Take care,

Y.


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Review of Bound to protect  Open in new Window.
Review by Yondus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Solo Star,

Good job on signing up and putting your work out there for review, I'm sure you'll be glad for the input you receive :)

The first thing I want to ask (and please forgive me if this seems insulting as it really is not meant to) is if English is your first language? I only ask because there are certain turns of phrase that you use that would suggest it isn't and I have addressed some of them below.

Now to the nitty gritty stuff...

First of all this piece is quite vicious, not something I was expecting but I'm kind of glad you went there as it's refreshing. You have some great themes here, sacrifice and loyalty obviously and also violence and death.
I enjoyed reading it, but I have also made suggestions below which I think might help with keeping your writing to flow a bit more smoothly. For me I still think you need to work on polishing this one and I hope the tips and suggestions below will help you show you where II'm coming from.

Please remember that this is just my opinion, so you don't have to take anything I have said on board if it doesn't feel right to you :)


"He is the one who bound to protect his master & his belongings, this is his responsibility not because he was fed by his master but it is the loyalty earned by his master from this noble servant for care & time spent with a simple servant."

- He is bound to protect his master and his belongings. This is his responsibility, not because his master feeds him, but because it is the loyalty he has earned for care and time spent with his simple servant.

What I have changed here is mainly the structure of this paragraph. This helps to emphasize certain sentences and also to give the reader a better flow to follow. Just watch out for things like the first sentence where you need to include "is", so, "he is the one who IS bound to protect..." I would also suggest that you use the word "and" instead of "&" as it looks out of place.

"Now it is the time for him to prove his loyalty to master. He is bound to protect but he is having a numerous constraints laid up on him so that he can't move out of it. The only thing he could do better now is not to keep his sound low hoping for some aid will be coming on it's way. The hope gave him courage to struggle hard & keep those intruders disturbed."

- Now it is the* (I would remove this "the" as it is not really needed) time for him to prove his loyalty.
- He is bound to protect but he is having a* (not required) numerous constraints laid up on him so that he can't move out of it. > I would change this sentence to try and avoid having the phrase "numerous constraints"in there as it feels a little clumsy. He wants to move but he can't, so how about comparing the situation to being trapped? For example, "He is bound to protect, but his broken body has trapped him here." This is just a suggestion to give you an idea of how you can say something which both suggests why and how the dog cannot move without going into specific detail.

But the intruders were prepared for this kind of situations* ( "for this situation"). They were with* ("they had sharpened.") sharpened blades which can* (remove) cut the flesh out of you even before you know it had (been) done. So the chances for him to survive had diminished marginally but he has to try hard & not give up* ("but he tries hard to not give up". Cuts &*(and) wounds were all over his body &*(and) blood flushing* (flushed) out every times* (no "s") he moves to avoid further strike* ("he tries to avoid a strike").

A stab in his neck made him paralyze* ( "he was paralyzed from a strike to the neck" or "a strike to the neck paralyzed him") &* (and) along withdrawing the blade it took away all his strength with it & made spilling of blood on the floor, in this utter grave situation he manged to make a final call for help as loud as he could. Before his eyes fell forever he could see his master running towards him.

- I would recommend that you break this paragraph up into at least two separate sentences. I would suggest the first part should be one sentence, then follow that up with the part about withdrawing the blade and what damage that had done.

Bowing his head towards his master he said to himself "I fulfilled my vow".


I hope some of this is useful to you. Remember, only take what is constructive from this, there's no rules to writing but you should be clear on what you mean so that the reader gets the full picture as you see it. If you want me to review an edit of this somewhere down the line then just let me know.

I wish you all the best!

Take care,

Y.
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Review of The Changing  Open in new Window.
Review by Yondus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Bobber,

I really enjoyed this excerpt and especially the final few paragraphs where you blend elements of history to compliment the detail.

For me there was a shock from reading the opening few paragraphs and then the reveal of Patrick's true nature. I like that and I think it's a good tool to keep the reader on their toes :)

As I mentioned, I particularly enjoyed the last few explanatory paragraphs where we learn more about Patrick's race and their history. We see that whilst the are stranded here, some of them have also looked to dominate humanity, so there are clearly different divides and ideals between those who that are here. Is that something you plan to use in later chapters?

No one questioned the fact, or the reason that for some odd reason when they arrived some of the modern conveniences they always had on them, from cell phones (argued away by the lack of cell towers in the area) to the digital watches some guests wore, ever seemed to work.


My only critique would be that you might want to reword this section slightly as it sort of stumbles a little and I think you could exchange one of the "reasons" for another term instead.

I like the idea though and I hope you stick with it as I'd be interested to see where you take it! I wish you all the best of luck with your story!
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Review of The Reunion  Open in new Window.
Review by Yondus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Dave!

I decided to review your Reunion piece because I like the idea of these occasions. My own school never had them and I think that's a pity.

Immediately we get a feel for the characters level of depression and how low he has fallen. The comparison of his sheepish, uncertain arrival with his brash and loud announcement 10 years previously creates a nice backdrop for the rest of the tale.
He's clearly got some bigger issues going on and his own opinion of himself seems quite low. I liked how in the first few paragraphs we get the feeling that he is more embarrassed with his current situation than ashamed of how he handled himself 10 years ago. Further on this shifts nicely into a sort of overwhelming paranoia when he begins to imagine what awaits him in the Mahogany Ballroom. I particularly liked this passage,

The failure. Nothing can stop me from prodding and poking that word failure in my mind. Swirling it ever faster, I wallow in the feeling, as it escalates into panic


I think this captures well how fear can cripple and inhibit us all. The mind perpetuates the feeling and it's all too easy to get caught in an escalating cycle of panic and self loathing.

The imagined happenings is clever too. I think it's something we're all guilty of, we imagine ourselves failing or being mocked or ridiculed and again our minds can run away with this feeling if we let it. The character here is already drunk and so this feeling is compounded and the imaginings more vicious and terrifying.

The arrival of Sally and Bill helps to provide more context. We see not an egotistical loudmouth, but a scared man who has lost not just his money but his family and home. It provides a sense of empathy.
His reaction is of doubt and surprise, which given his mental state, is entirely plausible. Even when we find out about his actions and treatment of his ex school mate Tommy further on, it is tempered with a note of regret and the recollection itself seems cathartic.

I had read the piece through imagining it as a section from a larger section of work, I think this was why I was disappointed then with the final paragraph, if only because it seems entirely unnecessary to round off the story and lesson in one short sentence.
Do you mean to continue this story? If so I would suggest that you adjust the final paragraph as it seems to round up the story too neatly, especially after the succession of the protagonist's wild delusions and paranoia and the fear of further humiliation. The last paragraph seems to detach or separate us from all of that and I think it's worth re-visiting to keep it more in line with what has gone before.

This would be my only criticism of what was a very enjoyable read. I quite like the exploration into the human psyche and how at times it can torture and betray our judgement if we leave it run amok.

Hope to see more of your stuff soon!
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