Stylistically, it's very straightforward and a little on the overdone side. I think that the second and third stanzas are better, but I would have liked to see more descriptive language.
An interesting idea. I'm assuming that this is a dream? If so, you definitely portrayed the surreality quite well. I also like the fact that you engaged multiple senses, like the sense of hearing. The narrator's interjections, like "Good. You're unnerving anyway," are very nicely done as well.
Things to think about:
- Paragraph length. Most of your paragraphs are pretty short. I would recommend that you combine a few so that it looks more visually interesting and flows better.
- Pacing. Most of the story is made up of repetitive elements, and then all of a sudden you bring in the marble, and then you bring the narrator home, all within a short space. Try to reduce the repetition in the earlier parts, either by shortening it or by adding more variables.
- Grammar and spelling. Try paperrater.com if you have the chance. It will catch pretty much all of your errors.
- Consistency and transition. There were things about the narrative that didn't seem to make sense when you put them together. For instance, take the paragraph, "I keep going just so it will turn away. I wonder how long I've been walking. It probably hasn't been too long, but I'm not too sure. The sun is on the horizon now. I've been walking all day." Putting the sentence "I'm not too sure" right next to the very factual conclusion "I've been walking all day" just doesn't seem right. There's no transition phrases to help the reader see that the narrator just glanced at the horizon and REALIZED that she's been walking all day. To help with that you can change the last sentence to, "I must have been walking all day." And you can add a descriptive sentence, "I glanced wearily at the sky," to soften the transition. Also, I felt like I was hanging at the end of this paragraph, wondering why the narrator didn't seem to question the disparity between how long she thought she had been walking and the fact that she had been walking all day. When you go through your narrative again, try to look for more paragraphs like this. I found some more but this review is starting to get long...
- One last thing: why does the ground crunch if it's so hard? Are there small pebbles or sand on the surface? Is the surface caving in a little when you walk? Really hard, compact ground like cracked concrete doesn't making a crunching sound. Also, if the ground is so hard, why would you worry about getting an earful of dirt?
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/yinakori
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 9:08am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
