I must start by saying thank you. I know it sounds strange, but you have presented me with a beautiful description of something new and different. What is new and beautiful to the narrator is also new and beautiful to us, thanks to your elegant writing style. Your descrptions were creative and vivid. I loved lines like - That splendid creature, tall, brown, innocent, and glistening in the moonlight that stroked but did not hold it. - which presented a normal animal in a vibrant setting.
In addition to presenting readers with wonderful descriptions, you have given us a great little scene to follow, which may inspire others to step outside of routine and experience the beauty that comes in trying something new. Great job!
I didn't quite know what to expect when I read this. I knew it would be bad, but I didn't realize just how devastating this story would be. That's not a a bad thing. You have told a heartbreaking, yet moving tale. The situation is harder than what many people have ever dealt with, but your words touch our hearts and stir our own emotions. We wonder what it would be like to be the narrator, Amber, her uncle, her mother. We wonder about the heartache, but we also feel it.
This story is incredibly well written. This line in particular stood out to me - I dissolved then, a human river, coursing over the street and collapsing into myself. - for its creativity and its visual honesty. I could find no grammatical errors, because you have written this so well. Keep up the great writing, and I look forward to reading more of your works.
Wow, when I first began reading this, I knew something would happen, but I didn't quite think it would be as you wrote. I like that in a story, when it gives me something unexpected, because I'm then pulled in more to the story. The plot is perfect, and it is given at just the right speed to create suspense that keeps your readers interested.
Adding to such a great plot are beautiful descriptions. Your choice of phrasing creates vivid scenery. I could perfectly picture everything you wrote. Fantastic job!
I cannot really recommend anything, because this story could not get any better. Keep up the fantastic writing!
I haven't been able to read your work for a very long time, but as I read this, I remembered easily why I enjoy your work so much. Your descriptions, as always, are so incredibly vivid. You don't just paint a picture for the readers. You draw them into the narrative, allowing the readers to feel as though they are living out the story along with your characters. The description of the house was especially creative and vivid. I had never thought of a house having feelings, but when you described it as angry, I could see it perfectly. Very well done!
In addition to painting a vivid picture for the readers, you have also done a wonderful job of creating such a tense moment. Your sentence structure is just right, keeping things short and concise. As a result, you deftly build the tension so that the reader is left hanging on tight as the suspense builds. I admit, that as the protagonist is being chased, I forgot to breathe. Any story that gets me so into the narrative is a winner with me. Great job!
There is one grammatical thing I wanted to mention.
* But that night, if I’d trusted to instinct, - I'm not sure if this is a colloquialism, but the trusted to instinct sounds a bit awkward. I wonder if that line might read a little easier if it said "trusted my instinct..."
This story is so wonderfully written. As always, you've done a wonderful job. Keep up the fantastic writing!
Stories like this can be very hard to write and successfully incorporate titles in such a way. Oftentimes, the stories feel cheesey, but I think that this particular story is a success. Never once did I groan or roll my eyes at the usage of the Stephen King titles. You've done a great job of seaming them into the fabric of the story.
Reading along, this story flows very evenly. It moves at a quick pace, which in this case is necessary to build the suspense and panic for the readers.
I also think that the characters are very well developed. For a shorter piece, you've deftly crafted characters that seem real and lifelike. I can easily see myself reacting in the same way if I were placed in a situation such as this.
There were no errors that I could detect. I think you've done a wonderful job. Keep up the great writing!
I think that this is a very nice start to your story. You've set up an interesting story, which does a good job of setting up the withered city you mentioned in your description. The incident with the prostitute, describing her looks in a way that enforces her desperation. Not only does it set the scene, but you describe her in such a vivid way, that I could easily see her standing before me, as though I'm watching the events unfold.
Your main character seems very natural and likeable. He's not without his faults, but he also doesn't mind joking about them, making him human to the reader. I look forward to seeing what impact this school and the surrounding area have on him.
Though this is a short opening and I know you have more in the works for this story, it flows very nicely, never seeming too fast that I feel lost or too slow that I feel bored.
There are a few grammatical things I'd like to mention:
* I made my way to the office so I could sign-in for the day. - Sign in does not need to be hyphenated.
* Ms. Bea’s was holding a gospel revival inside with the help of her compact disc player. - The possession on Bea is not necessary.
* Now the question is do you have that SM1 form for Ms Martin. - Because this is a question, it should end with a question mark. Also, there should be a period after Ms.
I really enjoyed what I've read so far of this story, and I look forward to seeing how this story evolves. Keep up the great writing!
I'm so used to reading your horror stories, that as I read through this, I half expected something awful to occur. But it was nice to see your range as a writer, and I really enjoyed this piece. This story is a perfect example of boy's will be boys, and anyone who reads this could relate, whether they're a mother, father, sister, brother or even are just familiar with boys and the trouble they can sometimes get into.
I think that the situation you presented was very unique, providing for an interesting story. Plus, I think that your dialogue and the slang used fit perfectly with the idea readers get as to wells and the time period in which they were most often used. The dialogue seemed very natural, not at all awkward.
I also think that, by keeping this piece short and only focusing on a specific event, you snag the reader's attention and don't leave the reader bored or lost. The story flows very well, moving at a slower pace when necessary to help prolong the suspense. Great job!
There are two grammatical things I'd like to mention:
* The bucket began to move and Tom felt himself being raised to the surface. - Because this sentence presents two independent clauses that can be separated by the word and, there should be a comma after move to separate them.
* Tom hugged his neck tightly, he could smell his Pap's sweat. - In this case, because the two independent clauses are not divided by the word and, the comma should instead be a semi-colon.
I really enjoyed this short story. Keep up the great writing!
This is a very dramatic piece of flash fiction. In such a short amount of text you manage to convey so many emotions that are overtaking Jacob in his time of grief. As I reader, I tuned in to how he was feeling, wishing so badly that things wouldn't turn out as I assumed they would.
Another aspect of this story that helps increase the drama is the way in which you wrote it. By using short sentences, you slightly speed up the situation. Then, by throwing in the repetition of the "Whzzzzz-click," you heighten the reader's suspense even further, compelling them to continue through all the way to the end. Even though I didn't want to see it end bad, I couldn't stop reading this. Great job!
There are a few things that I would like to mention:
* And why wasn't there any music playing, there should be music! Whenever you have two independent clauses, ones that can stand on their own as complete sentences if broken apart, that are not divided by the word and, they should be separated by a semi-colon. The comma after playing should be a semi-colon.
* "In here, mum." he answered. If a quotation is directly attributed to a speaker with words such as said, replied and answered, unless the quote ends with a question mark or exclamation point, it should be connected to the attribution with a comma. In this case, the period after mum should be a comma. Also, because he's directly referencing his mum without saying "my mum" or "his mum," the m in mum should be capitalized.
* All he knew was that he was a liar, and now Jake found himself lying too. - In this sentence you use the word he to describe two different men, making it a little confusing to the reader. To help ease that confusion, you should mention both men, maybe write "All Jacob knew about his father was that he was a liar..." so that the reader doesn't get lost.
This was a very nice piece. Keep up the great writing!
When it comes to love a great way to provide drama to the reader is in unrequited love. And while people often will confess their feelings when they feel time is running out, you have added a nice twist to the story, one that makes it even more dramatic.
I really like the point of view that the story is written from. Had this been from a third person perspective, I don't think you would have been able to pull off the level of drama that you have here. Plus, the first-person descriptions are so crisp and vivid, showing readers the situation and leaving us curious as to what happens after the story ends.
I think that the pace in which this piece flows is dead on. The story is brief but the thoughts are swirling about the narrator's head, showing the reader that there's not much more time. It's not too fast as to overwhelm me or too slow to bore me. It's just right.
There is one grammatical thing that I would like to mention. In two sentences you change tense from past to present, which can be confusing to the reader. Here are the two sentences in which you switch tense:
* Like calm seas before a storm, I just stood there, veil flowing down my hand as though nothing has changed in the last five minutes. - Has should be had.
* Finally, I decided that there is no right way to let her know. - Is should be was.
I really enjoyed this little piece. You have deftly shown that you can include a great deal of drama in a short work. Keep up the great writing!
Though it is short, the message is still very powerful. In just a few words you can feel the immense love between the couple and the pain of the wife from watching her love and life die before her. This is wonderfully written and bittersweet. Though I am not even married I can relate to this couple and hope that I never have to witness or make a decision such as this. You have done a wonderful of conveying emotion. Keep up the great work.
What a fabulous ending for a great story! Just as with the first half, the decriptions are so vivid and rich. You also did a great job of masking the killer, because I never expected Rowena until the very end. As I suggested in my last review, I think going with either heaven or hell - or even a combination of the two - would be a good way to title this story. Great story, very well written! Keep up the wonderful work!
I love unique openings that catch you off-guard and pull you straight into the story. This story did just that, and thanks to that and your vivid descriptions and fluid, flowing writing, I couldn't tear myself away from it for anything. I can't wait to read the second half!
You mentioned that you were looking for a title, and I wondered if, perhaps, since you mention hell quite often it you could reference that in the title. I like that it's a term you keep coming back to. Or you could also go with the opposite since Rowena is mentioned as heaven and use that word in the title. The heavenly title juxtaposed with the opening reference of hell would be a nice little spin.
Keep up the great writing! I'm going to read the second half now. I can't wait to see how the story ends!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ydnim
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 9:42pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
