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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wyrd_naos
Review Requests: ON
73 Public Reviews Given
85 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be analytical in my reviewing. The most interesting pieces of writing often work on a number of different levels, and so I try to consider multiple perspectives when informing the author of what I liked or disliked about their piece. For this reason, I don't get along very well with templates, as I find they turn the whole process into something very clinical! You can expect my reviews to be a fluid, tailored discussion of your individual work.
I'm good at...
I am equally happy reviewing prose and poetry.
Favorite Genres
Psychological/Gothic
Least Favorite Genres
Political
I will not review...
Perhaps not Erotica. I'd probably never finish my review out of sheer bashfulness! *Blush*
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Dear journal...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Dorian,

Thank you kindly for asking me to review your work.

This is an extremely intense and dark poem! I can tell that you've given each line a lot of thought in terms of the imagery and concepts you want to convey. I think I do more often than not grasp the thoughts and feelings you're expressing, but must admit that sometimes I get a little lost and have to work hard to figure out how the stanzas connect to one another.

From a reader's perspective, I feel as though you need to build more on and around your central thoughts. I see a lot of what appear to be extended metaphors, but I'm not always sure what the metaphor is being compared to. In my opinion, it wouldn't hurt to be more explicit in places for the sake of clarity.

I think there is lots of potential here, but do take care not to forget your reader.

Best wishes,

Wyrd_Naos


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey there Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️

Thank you for allowing me to stop by your work. It was a pleasure once again! *Smile*

Oh, this was an excellent idea for entry into the contest! Really original, and such an interesting read as well. I love the way you've structured and set out this item. It makes it very clear to follow, and it has a wonderfully personal touch about it too. This is definitely a quality submission, well done! *Delight*

Write on!

WyrdNaos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey there Weirdone-Back in the games

Thank you for sharing your work with us today! I had a great time reading this piece. *Smile*

Wow! That was chilling! I think you did a fantastic job with this piece, and I was hooked right from the start! You have a very fluent way of writing, and I so glad for having stopped by to read this very original story. Thank you! *Smile*

Write on!

Dani


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there Weirdone-Back in the games

Thanks so much for sharing your work with us. I had a great time stopping by your scribblings! *Smile*

I really liked this lovely little humorous piece! It has a graceful message behind it, whilst also serving up a dashing of wit and light entertainment. I found the rhyming scheme wasn't always consistent which did mess with the fluency of read sightly - the content almost reads like a limerick might without all the form stipulations. However, I thought this was a good write nonetheless.

Write on!

Wyrd


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Weirdone-Back in the games

Thank you so much for sharing your work with us. It was a pleasure stopping by your port! *Smile*

I wasn't quite sure how the little girl's question about the monkey related to the overall message of the poem. I wondered who she was talking to. But I loved the idea you captured of her enjoying and relishing the fact that she was able to speak another language! I definitely feel that way myself when I make progress in my language classes too! Forgive me that the first line seems to have confused me, otherwise I very much like what you have here, and you've followed the measure of the form perfectly. Nice, and I hope you write more! *Smile*

Write on!

WyrdNaos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Snow Melt  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey there Prosperous Snow celebrating

Thank you for sharing your work with us. It was a pleasure stopping by your esteemed blog once again! *Smile*

Haha! Loved the choice of address, Snow! *Heart* I think this entry might rank as one of my favourites of yours. I really enjoyed the style and tone of your writing here - it was so fluid and chocked full of absurd wit! I think you responded wonderfully well to the given prompt. Awesome job, this one was a great read for all of its flair. *thumbupr*

Write on!

Wyrd


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey there Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️

Thank you so much for sharing your work with us. I always enjoy stopping by your blog when I get the chance. *Smile* I loved your imaginative, and entertaining take on the prompt! The descriptions of your various traps that you planned to set out were hilariously extreme, and you articulated well your irritation at having your home space, and peace and quiet, invaded by those unruly neighbours. Nicely written! Hope to read more from you in the future. *Heart*

Write on!

Wyrd_Naos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hey Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️ *Smile*

Lovely to stop by your blog once again! I feel it's been a while since I checked out the 30DBC crew's activities, what with it getting very hectic at home unfortunately! I also managed to catch the final on Sunday - I loved your depiction of the event here. I really felt that you'd captured the moment, and the atmospheric tension that was built up until that last, final shot. I loved the way Djokovic fought back in the very last game; it would have been great for this to have also been mentioned in your entry, however, I think you did a lovely job describing how Britain's first Wimbledon singles title for 77 years made you feel. As a former Paralympic athlete yourself, I can certainly appreciate your patriotic sentiments. *Smile*

Write on!

Wyrd_Naos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey there Nixie🦊

Thank you so much for sharing your work with us. I was very pleased to stop by, and hope to do so again in the future! *Smile*

I truly enjoyed reading this, Nixie. Though I do write poetry, I cannot claim that I have a poet's blood running through my veins. Even so, I don't believe that poetry is as lost on you as you might think it is. You admit to having been moved by it on occasion, to have sensed lyricism and emotion - then surely you have connected with it on more than one occasion! When reviewing poetry, I always try to retrace my steps to those moments that resonated with me the most. Often they lead me to a particular group of lines, a phrase perhaps, and I read it over a number of times, trying to understand the imagery and why the poet would have put it there. This sort of analysis usually forms the basis of my reviews.

But to enjoy poetry, I imagine there's no real advice that can be offered, except to always maintain an open mind. Sometimes the sound of a poem itself is merely enough to please. Sometimes it's a play on words which might deliver a pithy message to boot. Poems in particular are often large, gaping windows into the mind of the poet him/herself. You are reading the direct thoughts, observations, perspectives and/or emotions of a real-life person, and often the key to poetry is in finding your own inspiration within those contemplations. Something that just makes your soul buzz a little at the truth of those words. Perhaps there's something about the description that is just so right, and so vivid, even if you don't know why that is. These are things the poet would love to know about. *Heart*

I actually really liked your poem! You kind of wrote it like a limerick since it had a very musical flow. And I absolutely adored those last two lines. Even though you say they formed part of the stipulations for the poem, I think even at that young age you had a very aesthetic, sensitive ear. I think you should be proud of this piece. It's a confident and moving write for someone so young, and for someone who also claims not to 'get' poetry at all. *Wink*

Overall, this was a well-written, expressive piece on a topic that has clearly been plaguing you for a while. I can completely sympathise with your position. I know I've stumbled upon a few poems for which I simply felt I had nothing to say. I just didn't know how to approach them. I was touched by your sentiments, and your plea for help in decrypting this elusive writing form. The prose is clear and deeply personal - inviting rather than defensive. I loved your honesty! A great write, Nixie! *Delight*

Write on!

Wyrd_Naos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Alicia and Sally  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there Weirdone-Back in the games ,

Thank you for allowing me to stop by your work. I really enjoyed my reading of your short story. *Smile*

Overall, I think you did a fine job with the editing. There were very few parts for me to nitpick on, and I found that your words had a very smooth flow to them, which is always a sign of a cautious writer, serious about their art. *Smile*

The story as a whole perhaps could have had some better elements of suspense folded into it. I think there were a couple of plot twisty moments featured, however these lacked impact unfortunately, mostly because one could see them from a mile off. I wasn't sure if you'd intended the fact that Janice was Sally's granddaughter to be a surprise, or that she would recognise Alicia from the photo album to be an unseen piece of plot development, but I think both of these moments needed to be less obvious regardless. I really wanted to be pulled along by the plot, but instead I always felt as though I was two steps ahead of it.

As mentioned previously, I found your story pretty well written. However, on occasion your writing can become slightly over-wordy and drawn out. My biggest case for this point is paragraph two. What could have been covered in one or two lines, the fact that Alicia doesn't enjoy hospitals because they stir up her vampiric appetite too much, shouldn't have had an entire paragraph dedicated to this explanation.

And in general, I thought your sentences could have been more tightly worded. A quick example of this:

"On the way, I tried to rehearse what I would say to the various other friends and relations of Sally who would probably be congregating to watch her die, but then I realized that most likely, they would be people who didn't know me."

Perhaps consider something more along the lines of:

"I rehearsed my condolences on the way, expecting a congregation of Sally's friends and family to gather during those final days of her life. However, none would know me."

I did enjoy the upbeat tone of Alicia's interior monologue. It illustrated an interesting contrast between her reaction to life and death, and a human's more permanent view of it. I would only say that character development on the whole was quite weak in this story. Though I understand that Alicia isn't affected by death in the same way humans are, I didn't feel a convincing sense of loss from her on the cusp of losing one of her dearest and oldest friends. And then of course the shock decision at the end completely counteracted the humanity and moral values that the author had spent so much time weaving into her character earlier on. On top of which I was left unconvinced by her final motives which appeared far to dramatic considering the type of kind soul she had portrayed herself to be.

All in all, I think this piece comes together well as a whole, however there are a number of elements which may require some closer attention to detail. I think strong character portrayal and development is one of the most important things to get right, first and foremost. I would say, get to know Alicia a little better, and try to flesh out her personality a little more in your writing. I think it would make all the difference!

Best of luck and write on!

*Heart*
Wyrd


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of The Dance of Life  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there Prosperous Snow celebrating ,

Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It was a pleasure stopping by! *Delight*

What an enchanting poem! I especially loved the line:

"Frolicking to the music of the spheres."

Though there were many others which I would have been just as happy to highlight here!

The rhymes were perfect (not distracting as some can be), and the content of your poem left me utterly intrigued. The idea of dancing 'creatures' leaves quite a lot up to the reader's imagination, and yet I felt this piece read with a certain clarity of meaning as well as real crystalline imagery. There's not really much more I can say, except well done! I hope your submission does well in the contest you entered!

Write on!

*Heart*
Dani


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Memories  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there An apple a day.... ,

This is just a quick drop by, but I had to leave my thoughts of appreciation for your beautiful poem. This could so easily have read without any great reason to write home about, instead you have somehow elevated a relatively simple structure/form to divine poetic perfection. Your choice of wording has always been eloquent in your poetry, but here is it downright sublime. I would love to see this placed in the contest - it would surely be a deserved win. *Wink*

Also, a great many congratulations on turning blue last week! *Balloonb*

Write on!

*Heart*
Wyrd_Naos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of I'm Always  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there Cym Lauing *Smile*

Thank you so much for your review request! It was a pleasure to stop by your work, and hopefully some of this review will be helpful to you. *Heart*

***

Wow, I had to read this one very carefully to pry apart all the intricate tendrils of thought and emotion! There are moments of lovely, crystalline language that exhibit your genuine creative flair, and then there are lines that appear almost unfinished, as though your train of thought broke away mid-phrase. An example of this is in the opening of your second stanza which begins:

"But every time my voice joins the crowd,
I know I'm closer."


The reader is left pondering, closer to what? I suspect you may be referring to becoming one with the music itself, however, your use of 'but' puzzled me here. It doesn't seem to belong in your altogether positive reflection, and I also find it difficult to connect these seemingly related lines to your previous/first stanza. From "These words..." to the end of the stanza, in contrast this was probably one of my favourite part of your entire piece! Instantly, you have something here that I think all lovers of music, literature or any other creative art form, can instinctively relate to, and I think this was sublimely articulated.

Going back to your first stanza however, and in comparison, I had a deal of trouble interpreting these images of nebulae and muses, not necessarily because I think they were too abstract, but because I feel you don't hang onto the subject matter long enough for your reader to gain some footing for understanding. The way you flit between thoughts is sometimes dizzying, and you have metaphor piled upon metaphor here.

The reader deduces that the stars must represent a particular facet of the poet's mind, potentially the desire for belonging, but waits for clarification on what that might be exactly. Then suddenly we are required to interpret upon this, without explanation, the significance of "existing as part of a muse" occurring within a star... a moving star (even though stars don't move!). And every time, this is precisely where you lose me. The lines/metaphors on their own stand poetically firm, and if one flicks over the stanza with less care I think it is possible to garner a sense of what you are saying, but once you attempt to string them all together in this manner without a proper body of elaboration, I think you lose cohesion. Really, in my humble opinion I feel you require a more focused, balanced approach to evoke your reader's sensitivities and experiences in this section.

The remainder of your stanza verges on the cryptic too - very little is actually given a name, instead it is almost tiptoed around with thoughtful, heartfelt description that even so doesn't really get to the crux of the dilemma somehow:

"Towards that inevitable something,
Everything, to happen.
A small token of reception,
This inception of belonging..."


Your language appears deliberately deceptive, as though offering more concrete value to your words would somehow detract from the purity of the emotions and meaning behind them, however, in all of this I feel you forget to consider the position of your readers.

Come the third stanza, your poem undergoes a change of tone. Still retaining the same abstract qualities, the poet begins to beat out her words with a more imposing system of rhetoric. I would suggest forging the fourth and fifth line into one, as I like the idea of them continuing the previous pattern of the lines before! *Wink*

Overall, there is something decidedly likeable about the passion and honesty in this piece! However, I feel as though your poetic form, even for free verse, is just not quite disciplined enough for your talent to be truly appreciated. A wiser poet once cautioned me against using gerunds (-ing words that replace active verbs) as they will tend to weaken your work. Consider for example:

"My chest burned, arms ached,
throat raw, voice lost.
Eyes longed, full of belonging,
fingers inched and itched
towards that edge of
oblivion."


I've made a minor imposition on your enjambment at the end. This can be quite subjective though, and is rightfully governed by each individual poem. Personally, I feel not capitalising every line would benefit the general flow of this piece, but this is up to you to decide. *Smile*

Similarly with the penultimate stanza, I enjoy the repetitions which bring about structure. Just on a point of clarification, is the poet talking about her own screaming (in which case I would suggest "I can't hear through my screams"), or the screams around her? I absolutely loved the last two lines! Stunning!! *Heart*

And I also completely adored: "The wet grotto of echoing cries..." in the final stanza! In fact, the first half of the final verse all the way down to, "I remember how it was supposed to sound."... is utter poetic perfection. I was really stirred by your fresh foot stamping your mark onto decidedly well-trodden ground. Beautifully, simply put.

I found it hard to imagine that you could discern a whisper from the cacophony of sounds around you. Perhaps there might be a better way for you to lead in to your optimistic close? I also have to wonder about the relevance and necessity of these final few lines from, "All other noises fade..." onwards. There's nothing here you haven't already said ten times better, and I find the lines dilute in substance and effect. Quite honestly, I feel you should cut the stanza off here, and instead swap the last two verses around so that you end with the terrific: "But I know exactly where I am./ I am free."

For me, it required a deeper journey into this poem before I could fully realise the gems that lay within it. There is a raw quality to your work that reflects the postmodernist styles of celebrated poetry today. I could really feel your sense of spirit and youth, it was infectious even! This is a style you should continue to nurture and refine. *Thumbsupr*

However, in many ways, I think this piece can also be inhibited at times by that same carefree, romantic approach, by way of making your art less accessible to an external audience. To prevent this, continue to pay close attention to clarity in your poems, and also to the mechanics that help to make them read with a smoother flow.

***

Thank you for the great read! I thoroughly enjoyed my time here, and wish you all the best with future writing endeavours! *Smile*

Write on!

*Heart*
Wyrd_Naos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️

Thanks so much for sharing this piece! *Smile*

Haha! A very imaginative interpretation of the given acronym! I definitely would not have thought of this combination of words. I like it, it's an idea chock full of fun, very nice. My only suggestion would be to add an apostrophe to the end of, Ladykins'. Without it I found the message initially confusing.

Great job on this. *Wink*

Write on!

*Heart*
Wyrd_Naos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi there Farhana ,

I have to admit that I do worry when I read articles of this ilk. When grounded scientific theories are strongly brought into question by members of the public, I sense it often isn't out of a healthy curiosity for the truth, but rather a disguised attempt at consoling one's own religious and social beliefs, that to them appear to be threatened by some kind of unwelcome agenda. This wouldn't be such an issue, if only the public's half-baked ideas weren't constantly passed off as some kind of liberation of 'real' truth, to the detriment of other people listening in.

As I know the last reviewer mentioned, unlike the literary definition of 'theory', which points to something without due proof, published scientific theories undergo rigorous methods of scrutiny, often led by a host of sceptical contemporaries all very eager to catch out flaws in the system. The fact that Darwinian evolution has continued to be held in such high regard by the scientific community for so long, should have you asking the question: Why is evolution so adept at explaining the emergence of species in the natural world?... rather than reacting so negatively on first approach, and distancing yourself from purposeful knowledge. The following:

"Considering that evolution is just one of many ‘theories’ on how life began, why do we not question if it is really true?"

... is really not a good place to start. You need to understand the theory first, and why it works, before beginning to take the standpoint of a sceptic. The fact that your next line continues with:

"Evolutionists believe that life started with a cell that formed by chance."

... is enough to suggest that you really haven't understood the crux of what Darwin's work entailed. Evolution is most equipped to explain the progression of life, doing so eloquently, but is much less concerned with THE origin of life. Darwin was a passionate naturalist. He documented everything he could observe with his naked eye, which is how he stumbled upon these manifest patterns between species in the physical world. He made very little mention, if any, of abiogenesis. Yet in your rebuttal against darwinism, this subject appears at the helm of your debate.

And I really do have to protest at your use of the Second Law of Thermodynamics to counteract evolution as a sustainable theory. I've taken this from Wikipedia:

The second law of thermodynamics states that the entropy of an isolated system never decreases, because isolated systems spontaneously evolve towards thermodynamic equilibrium—the state of maximum entropy.

Please take note that the law talks about movement within an isolated system, therefore sans the influence of any kind of external force. If an organism were merely existing in a vacuum where it could multiply and mutate without the threat of extinction, then yes, there would be disorder. There would be a lot of strange variety. However, in the natural world, not all genetic strains of a species will survive due to the competitive conditions in which they live. Call this the force of life if you like, or as Darwin did 'natural selection', but evolution exists within a self-perpetuating cycle of survival, with species subjugated by the threat of other wilful species and their environments. This is a far cry from the conditions described for maximum disorder in Newton's 2nd Law. I refer you to this website which observes the matter through a more introspective lens. --> Link  

The quote you use from Derek V. Ager, is incomplete out of its context. Many such genetic explosions are thought to have occurred as a response to rapid changes in the environment, such as the transition from water to land, water being the initially preferred habitat with its high concentration in oxygen. But around the time when the earth's atmosphere became oxygen rich, there was a great drive towards quadrupedality where back fins became hind legs. Supreme natural disasters are also thought to have governed many of these explosions, forcing the emergence of new orders, and killing off many of the old. This is not evidence of a lack of transitionary species, and again I refer you back to the previous reviewer who successfully covered the point that the existence of transition species are absolutely known and documented.

The final two paragraphs of your article cannot even be brought to the level of pseudo-science. The ability of humans to lock their knee joints and stand for long periods of time is something which is unique to us, not bipedality itself! For your own sake, you must read more on the topic. I was shocked to learn your thoughts on why you believe possessing two legs to be a degradation of adaptability. We are most adapted to the way in which WE live, in the same way that it would not benefit US to possess fins or gills, but it would for creatures who inhabit water. We require extensive access to our hands for problem solving, creativity, dexterity etc., therefore it would benefit us less as a species to be quadrupedally inclined, than it would a predator hunting down its prey over long distances. The theory of evolution is not based on a game of cards where whoever has the most aces wins. It is predicated on the conditions of one's individual habitat and the dynamic situations that reside within it, each one completely different to the next.

Again, please, please read up on all this sooner rather than later. I can only ask that you broaden your mind for a moment. Heaven knows there's merit in breaking out of the chains of institutionalised acceptance, but this is not the way to do it. Science is not an oppressive force, it's designed to be an intellectually pioneering one. Is it not true that we generally take what scientists say as fact? Doubt is not the same as disbelief, the latter of which rules out indulgence of contemplation, thus heralding the death of critical thought. Scientific progress is led by greater minds than yours or mine, and I think it would be in your interest to spend more time becoming acquainted with it.

Write on,

Wyrd_Naos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Too Many Clouds  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi there Spookifish - Happy Halloween! ,

Thanks for allowing me to review your work. I greatly enjoyed stopping by this piece!

***

*Right* You hold on to some really lovely lines in this rather malcontent poem on clouds:

"fat, white crocodiles"

"cry cold tears"


and

"They bruised the windows/ Of my springtime"

...are some examples which immediately spring to mind, because they explain a lovely layering of visual and metaphorical truth within them.

*Right* Around these moments of loveliness, however, I sensed perhaps there was just a little too much descriptive convolution. You include so many adjectives and varying illustrations of these unsatisfactory clouds, that at times it reads a little like a shopping list rather than an emotional passing. You mention 'Travel' as one of the genre subheadings for this piece, and as such, I think you could definitely expand this poem to read more like a journey during which you notice the clouds floating outside your vehicle side window. This would help to even out the pacing and density of your current poetry.

*Right* I like the tone of this poem, and the way you approach the topic. Most would romanticise the ethereal quality of clouds, but you instead see them as portents of bad weather and unhappy public demeanours. At the moment, this seems incomplete, very much a first draft, but I think that with a little work, this could easily turn into something very cute and sassy in its own way. It certainly grapples with its own interesting brand of originality.

***

I sincerely hope this review has been of some help to you, and wouldn't mind reading this again if you decide to make changes to it in the future. *Smile*

Write on!

*Heart*
Wyrd_Naos


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Dear Love  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear April Desiree-I'm back! ,

Apologies, I approached this review much later than intended. Now that it's here, I hope it will be of some help to you in the process of editing your poem. Thank you for your patience! *Smile*

***

*Right* I have to admit that on initial reading I was left slightly confused. The trouble for me lay in the imitative quality of your perceptions of medieval poetry, where honestly I found myself wondering whether as a reader we were meant to truly connect with this poem on an emotional level, or whether this was meant as a little hypothetical fun. It's probably a bit of both in all fairness, but your purpose for this poem remains unclear to me in that I don't know whether you wished me to feel moved, or to read it in a more light-hearted way. I'm going to approach this review under the assumption that despite the imaginative and fantastical background to the letter, that this was intended as a sincere romantic poem, passed on to a knight's maiden on news of his fall in battle.

*Right* The very first thing that struck me was your use of 'thee' throughout, as a replacement word for, 'you'. Personally, I found it quite obstructive to the effect of the poem as a whole. I very much understand your wish to date this piece back a few centuries, however, on doing a little research, it appears that usage of 'thee' and 'you' during the middle ages, an era which spanned an entire millennia up until the 15th Century, was really quite variable, and often the words were used interchangeably within the same passages.

In light of this information, I think it is worth really listening to how your lines sound. For example, "I would call upon thee to bid thee farewell", makes for a very bumpy read because of the repetition. I would actually suggest, "I would call upon you, to bid thee farewell", as a way to create better flow at least in this section. A similar case can be made for stanza 3; line 1, though I believe the first 'thee' might be a misuse. Also, in the first line of the last stanza, I'm not sure that you need it there at all. "Now go my fair one, and do visit me", makes perfect sense as it stands. *Smile*

*Right* Largely though, I find this poem puts me at a great distance from the narrator. Perhaps this is my main issue. I'll just begin with the first stanza. I really feel the opening line should read, "I would that our memories drown thee in joy". Also, 'drown', seems to juxtapose 'joy', rather than compliment it. Whilst a person may describe themselves as drowning in the good things that overwhelm them, I think wishing that someone else would drown, takes on another meaning entirely, and perhaps doesn't quite work in the same way! *Laugh*

Your imagery in the third line, of the knight and his English rose chasing after each other with child-like innocence and teasing, is illustrated from almost a bird's eye point of view, as someone looking down on them both rather than actually being involved in the relationship they share. It serves up only a visual impression, one that an outside observer might have, yet this is written in the knight's intimate first person.

*Right* Again, your second stanza deals a lot in appearances, like a camera switching between their faces, but does it really get to the very heart of his feelings for her?

*Right* It is at around the third stanza that we receive hints in the body of the poem as to the knight's demise, most likely in battle. As mentioned before, the first line is strangely begun. Perhaps a reworking of, "My girl, how much I suffered without you", would work better. I like his concern for her, that she not crumble at the news, and instead pray for his well-being in the netherworld. The affection comes through in those last couple of lines. I do wonder, however, if your choice of diction could be improved upon to give more flow to your verse: 'must march', 'essay', 'gast' (word?), all these words judder your lines, and work in direct opposition to the softness of his thoughts. I wonder also if you might need a change of tense in the second line, as obviously he realises his duty as a knight is now over.

Having said that, you deliver some lovely places for contemplation as shown in the phrase: "Yet my soul died at that moment". In its honest nature, particularly coming from a war-hardened fighter, it shows a lovely depth of confession and tenderness.

*Right* The remainder of the poem deals with various aspects of war and the plights he had to endure. I have to wonder why he would choose to tell her all these things. He reveals pride in having faced down those many horrors, as there is much bravado to his language, interchangeable with sudden contrasting notes of vulnerability, which on occasion cause the purpose of his letter to become lost. Take these lines:

For what may become of me as I have wings/

Wings like a dragon, the one I have slain
In this battle, mad, so riddled with tombs


The abrupt flip from suggested wings of angels, to wings of a dragon, and then back again in tone as he talks about the tragedies of war, emotionally doesn't make sense. There is a lack of focus, and with it, the driving force and meaning behind this letter becomes lost also. I don't know whether he means to brag to his maiden, to reassure her of his bravery, to confess his hardships of which he had probably never fully recounted to her, or simply to say how much he misses her. There are elements of all these things floating around, but the leaping thoughts are not complimentary to each other. The main genre under which this poem is headed is romance, and yet for the most part, a lot of this romance remains an understated, secondary gear to the embittered realities of his sovereign wars.

The line, "For what may become of me as I have wings", despite what was mentioned above, is actually an extremely melancholy image, vivid and moving. It is suffused with tragic romance, that is articulated with a very fine touch. Nicely done! *Smile*

*Right* In your closing stanza, perhaps it should be, 'lie', rather than 'lay'... throughout your poem there is that continuous sense of your needing to maintain the illusion of a medieval dialect, but this should never interfere with the working mechanics of your piece. A reader would always much rather engage with your work first and foremost, regardless of how well written your reflection is of another time and place through tricks in the language.

I'm not fully certain regarding the use of 'tax' in the third line. Why and how would she tax him in his current state? Surely he had meant to ask that she not be discomforted on hearing about the harsh events of his life.

The very last line is quite nice and rounds off the poem well, highlighting the things around which his life had revolved, poignant, considering these would be his last words, and thus much more set in stone than anything else he might have uttered before.

*Right* I see that you don't include punctuation at the end of lines, and even between some phrases, where actually I think a good helping of commas and periods would be of great benefit. Sometimes your lines appear to begin mid sentence as a result. I feel also that for this style of poetry, one of intimacy and personal connection, capitalising the beginning of every line is perhaps inappropriate. It reads more like a formal declaration otherwise, than a verse form of sincere love.

I enjoyed the idea behind your poem. It just requires a little attention and refining. I would go through it with a very critical eye, paying as much attention as possible to the flow, and perhaps employing a more sensitive diction to better marry with the poignancy of many of your lines. It would be lovely if you were able to bring out the real romantic potential of this body of work! *Heart*

***

I sincerely hope this has been of some use to you, and am fully open if you wish me to clarify any point made here. Apologies again that this has arrived at the eleventh hour. I was very honoured to receive your review request. *Smile*

Write on!

Wyrd_Naos


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18
18
Review of WHAT IS A POEM?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there Dr M C Gupta ,

Thanks for allowing me to review your work! I greatly enjoyed reading your poem today. *Smile*

This is another interesting, philosophical take on a much perused subject matter. I liked that you added a humorous touch at the end, preventing this poem from holding too much critical gravitas, as can often happen with an opinion piece. Having said that, I feel you may need to take a look at your opening lines for the first two stanzas. The sentence, "What's a poem and what it/ Does represent in fact?", perhaps was intended to read, 'What's a poem, and what/ Does it represent, in fact.' (I found similar syntax issues in the opening lines of your second stanza also.)

I've taken the liberty of adding in a couple of commas where I feel it might make your lines flow better. I also suggest that it might be worth expanding, "What's", to instead read, "What is". Somehow, the informality of it just doesn't feel quite right for the tone of this poem.

The rhyme and meter are solid - the content seemed perhaps slightly on the superficial side. It seemed not to go into any great exploration of the questions that were initially posed, and it appears that your final answer leaves a lot left to be said regarding what makes a poem, as complex a topic as that might be! I would love to see this expanded!

Overall, a fun read, and I look forward to stopping by more of your work. Thank you!

*Heart*
Wyrd


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19
19
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️ !

I thought this was a well written piece. Your words have a strong clarity to them, and really work to pull your reader in. In particular, opening with couple of questions posed in second person works well to immediately engage your reader.

I enjoyed the moral behind the story too. It was eloquently dealt with, and I thought only the line: "One minute of agony made me a Paralympic Silver medalist again!" That this might be altered slightly, perhaps 'allow', instead of 'made', otherwise the arm pain makes it seem as though it's the direct reason for his sporting success.

Other than that, a really enjoyable read, thank you! *Smile*

Write on!


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20
20
Review of Compassion  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Mavis Moog !

I'm going to review this while the thoughts are still in my head!

*Right* I think what strikes me initially is the need for a better sense of setting. I understand that you wanted to reveal the scene gradually, but for me the surprise maybe incurred a little too much confusion.

For example, I initially thought your main character was surrounded by a host of disparaging peers, perhaps she was participating in some kind of tournament, like a game of chess. If perhaps the authoritarian hierarchy of her situation was made clearer from the outset, or even a physical sense of distancing between she and the panel of judges, I think the reader could become emotionally invested sooner. Perhaps mention the fact that Carol Chase and the other anonymous panelist are also sitting beside Simon Spark. This will immediately paint the sense of her being judged in some way. *Smile*

*Right* Oh yes, Bully Spark, be frank. There's no audience here to bay and hoot, but why let that stop you? I thought.

You have a lot of witty lines and remarks staged throughout this piece. I think that's great! There's nothing like dry humour to make your character appear intelligent, self-reliant, and above all relatable! *Thumbsup*

*Right* I loved the names you chose for your antagonists: Simon Spark, Carol Chase - the alliteration suggests a kind of pantomime quality about their personalities. A sort of superficiality, which lends the reader to believe they're likely stage names. I like that you chose to do this, because it separates the honesty of the main character and the risks she takes in putting herself out there, from the pretentiousness and arrogance of these showmen who hide behind fake identities. Even though it's a small detail, I think the decision was a wise one. *Smile*

*Right* I think that this piece desperately needs expanding, for the sake of Project Write World. Forgive me, but I don't see, right off the bat. how it represents a specific part of British culture or heritage. Having said that, I think you have provided yourself with ample opportunity to do so! You could expand this piece to represent the mood of the West End, and the plights faced by actors in being cast by some of London's most illustrious theatres.

After all, the West End for many decades was hailed as the greatest hub for theatrical talent, from the writers, to the directors, to the cast etc. You could include a real sense of intellectualism and sophistication that is inherent in the London theatre culture, and is unique to it. At the moment, I think your piece seems almost too American, perhaps a little new age-y! *Laugh*

*Right* The last issue to touch upon is your story's lack of resolve at the end. I think you ended on an appropriately comedic note, however, I'm not sure that your character truly triumphed in the end? What did she actually achieve in her life, and what did she learn from it? What did she work towards? It almost seemed as though she ran away - I would have liked for her to apply herself, and pursue her passion in one form or another. Instead, she gives up on show business entirely, causing us to believe she didn't truly have dedication to succeed in the first place, and we don't even know if she's happy being a nurse, or why she picked this job.

Perhaps rethink how you'd like to conclude this. I don't believe that you need talent to achieve the things truly want in life. What you need is diligence, perseverance and an unwavering focus. Though I loved the way you used the quote in your story, I wonder if maybe this particular aspect of it was overlooked. I really wanted to see her overcome her own insecurities, and prove wrong not only herself, but also Simon Spark. The truth is that many people rise to the top in this world, not because they were the best, but because they worked the hardest, and I've witnessed this first hand. I think that's really something you can drive home here! *Smile*


Mechanics

I noticed you had quite a number of missing commas in places. I've tried to point out as many as I could here.

*Bullet* Her (moving) lips looked like they were made from crystallised rose petals and they were moving. (I loved this description, just thought it could do with a little tidying up! *Smile*)

*Bullet* I felt her soft , breathy voice , thick with pouts, as if she were blowing me kisses, but you could water-board me and but I wouldn't be able to tell you what she said. (This sentence is pretty lengthy. I thought it might sound better this way.)

*Bullet* I was too busy preparing for Bully Spark , to listen to anything anyone else had to say. (Just thought it sounded clearer with a comma here.)

*Bullet* Someone I didn't know was talking now. I didn't recognise the person now speaking to me. He smiled , and looked pityingly at me, but his words were lost in the sound of blood rushing through my ears. (Made a few changes to these two lines. Hopefully has been clarified slightly, and again, I thought you might need an extra comma.)

*Bullet* I was deafened by the flub-flub of my own pulse. My wet hands hung like dumb-bells by my side. I tried to dry them on my thighs, while blinking the perspiration away from my eyes. My fringe gripped my forehead so I blew upwards, by sticking my bottom lip out and directing my breath up, towards my brow. (Perhaps this is all a little excessive. Even though I like your dynamic descriptors, I think you need to cut down on the amount of exposition you have here, particularly in the very literal last sentence quoted above. Too much description can sometimes cause your piece to lose its sense of real-time emotion.)

*Bullet* “You are not only tuneless , you can't move, you have no charisma and frankly...” (I've replaced your semicolon, as they aren't designed to substitute commas in front of introductory clauses.)

*Bullet* Before I could stop myself , I did what I had promised myself I would never do. So often , I'd seen the poor sods on the audition specials answering back , and they never came out of it well. (Again, a few comma issues.)

*Bullet* "Oh and you, you, you are attractive, I suppose?” I bellowed. (Perhaps one too many 'you's, otherwise it begins to sound like stuttering.)

*Bullet* Then I turned right to storm out. I was blind with tears and rage , and so I didn't notice I had marched almost full steam into a blank wall , until It was right in front of me. (A fairly lengthy sentence which I thought could do with some breaks.)

*Bullet* banging the door open with such a power , that I fell through it. (Comma insert.)

*Bullet* In my sleep , I re-lived the full horror, (Comma insert.)

*Bullet* In the my earliest dreams , I marched up to Spark and slapped him (Not sure why I thought it sounded better to say 'my' rather than 'the'. It's not really a huge point, and I think your sentence reads perfectly well either way, so I'm putting very little emphasis on it. See what you think. *Smile*)

*Bullet* make your critics blind , so that is what I'm going to do to you!” And in my dream, I marched to the desk and punched out both his eyes. (Just made a couple of small grammatical changes here.)

*Bullet* As time went by
, I realised Bully Spark was right. Not only could I not sing, I couldn't do much else either , and he was absolutely right about me being unattractive. (A couple of comma inserts.)

*Bullet* I am short and fat , and no one ever looks at me twice, (Comma insert.)

*Bullet* Fortunately for him , that someone was a doctor. (Comma insert.)


I think you still have some way to go with this piece, but that a lot of what you have here sets a strong foundation for something potentially very enjoyable indeed! I hope that some of what I've mentioned might be useful, and please do contact me for clarification on any of the points made above.

All the very best, and write on!

*Heart*
Wyrd

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21
21
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello again,

Another interesting and thoughtful poem. I am glad that you included in your description the original bible quote from the parable you refer to. Your piece itself is written with the sort of simplicity that reflects the style of a biblical message. I think it is appropriate that you decide to exclude flair or overly ornamental wording, for the sake of driving home a repeated warning.

I enjoyed your expansion on the parable, and I admire the passion behind your belief in this saying which emanates strongly throughout this piece. Your ABCB rhyme scheme gives this poem something of a sing-song lilt, married with your efforts to consistently write 7 syllables per line. This makes it very readable.

Overall a well-penned write!

Write on!

Wyrd_Naos


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear SoCalScribe,

A very happy 10th Anniversary to you, I hope you've enjoyed a wonderful day so far! Here is my review for your piece. *Smile*

This was a delight to read! I loved how you deceived the reader into thinking this would be a particular type of story: a dangerous romance set in Paris, where a naive young man is willingly seduced by a daring Parisian beauty. I enjoyed how you portrayed Astrid - she was always going to be bad news - yet, without spoiling the ending, the final reveal was literally something out of this world that I didn't see coming. Very well played!

I felt as though most of your focus in writing this piece centred around Astrid. As such, her character was well defined, and mysterious enough to hold the reader's interest. I think perhaps I might have liked a more interesting, in-depth look at Stephen, as I feel I hardly got to know him as a person. I couldn't see what separated him from the cliche male victim that so often tragically falls for one-sided relationships. Once we entered Marcel's place, the pacing of your story picked up nicely, however, perhaps with a more character-driven initiation, the opening may turn out even stronger. Nevertheless, this is simply my individual perception.

This is a fast-paced, assertive story, and I think you found a wonderful balance between exposition, description and action! You truly dealt with these aspects flawlessly, and it allowed me to become immersed at full leisure. You describe the settings of your piece fleetingly, yet memorably, and I retain a constant sense of texture and atmosphere which does a great job of setting the mood, and foreshadowing of events to come.

Overall, a very engaging piece! There's hardly anything I might suggest in the way of improvement, and usually I'm quite a stickler for perfection! *Bigsmile* Thank you so much for a fabulous read!

All my best and write on!

Wyrd_Naos


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23
23
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there,

I loved this poem. It has a distinct, sonorous quality to it, similar to the chiming you describe of the grandfather clock, and a wistful, nostalgic sense that articulates the passage of time. This poem was written so sensitively, you really personify the clock's identity, as though it has a living soul of its own. Very well written!

Write on!

Wrd_Naos


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24
24
Review of Lilac Time  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fyn,

I just had to stop by and express how simply sublime this poem is. I keep returning to your portfolio to read it, attempting to dissect your method, how you've made it work so evocatively and classically in so few lines. Time and time again I find myself in envy of your sheer poetic skill. Can't wait to read your next Construct Cup submission.

All the best,

Dani


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25
25
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have reviewed the following item "BE UP AND RUNNING: a sonnet towards the entry fee.

Hello there,

Thank you for allowing me to review your work.

This is a very sage, reflective piece, and I enjoy how you weave your message into a naturalistic setting. You bestow a great sense of old age wisdom and truth. With the rigid structure that sonnets provide, I was pleasantly surprised to read such a loose flowing, breezy piece. I expected the rhymes to incur a harsher sense of beat, but because you chose to use very soft sounding couplets, like 'swim', 'own', 'shore', and also owing to your appropriate use of language, your verse runs off the tongue fluidly, seeming to travel along its own given rhythm. I enjoyed that you managed to mould this form around your own poetic voice, not something I often see achieved with these highly structured sonnets.

The only point I might raise is regarding the the last line of your first stanza:

"Of one who fears the act for which one craves?"

The meaning is discernible, but there is still most definitely an element of awkwardness regarding the wording used here. The stanza would be an entirely lovely one were this line perhaps tidied up a little, as I find my mind tends to trip over the 'of's and the 'for's in the phrasing. Perhaps simply not as elegant as the rest of the poem.

All in all, a wonderfully clear, confident piece that was a great pleasure to read. Thank you! *Smile*

Write on!

Wyrd_Naos


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