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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wynterwolf
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26 Public Reviews Given
26 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Ashes to Ashes  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Let me start out by saying this is very well written. Just a few things that caught my eye...

This-->Lily softly yelled<--- I hate to be picky, but how do you yell softly? :D

Here: The powdery black ashes were in the form of a burned human body. <--- I don't know why I say this, but you're giving it away too cheaply. You describe the remains in detail right after this. Maybe cut this out? You do such a good job, this sentence feels unnecessary.

The last comment is, I feel as if you wrapped it up a little too quickly. I don't know if this was due to character limit, but it feels a little too accelerated. I would like to see more of the talk between the professor and the others, before his wife ignites. Maybe that's just me.

Overall, well written. It reads well and goes along at a good pace. Good job!

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Review of A Shadow of Guilt  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This line in particular, I really liked: Black pines spread bristled arms through the charred night, and the moon cast down a jaundiced glow that seemed more to obscure than to illuminate.

This line: It was an ungodly sound, a sharp, penetrating eruption of rage and hatred, and then all the lights went out from one end of the house to the other and Will’s flesh trembled. <=== feels a little long winded. Perhaps break it up?

I also liked how you wrapped it up at the end. The reveal was nice. In the end, he's dead, but the guilt goes with him. I like it. It's very "everyone dies" in a good way.

Overall, a good read!
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Review of A KISS FROM ALEX  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really like this story. You painted the picture with just enough detail that it didn't feel heavy. It kept me reading along, eager to find out the ending. I didn't notice, in my reading, any typos or glaring errors. I also liked how you wrapped it up neatly, with the wife at the end. I admit, I was put off at first by the beginning initially, it seemed a little slow, but you very soon moved the story along. Very smooth read.
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Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the plot twist. The only thing that a can really offer as far as constructive criticism is that I felt like it didn't wrap up neatly. If that's what you intended, that's okay, otherwise maybe at least give a hint as to what happens to Ellie.
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Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello! :)

This sentence: It’s what I do with the knowledge this power grants me that is the real curse. <--- Awkward, at least to me, think of maybe rewording it. Make clear with a few commas?

Think of saying here: The blue gives me desire to cleanse the silhouettes<--- blue gives me THE desire to cleanse ?

This: Some who I approach don’t listen to me, and I am tempted to purge them of the blue completely and finally. <-- It sounds as if cleansing them of their sin would kill them. Is that what you intended?

I liked the ending. A very good read.

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Review of Darkness Awaits  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The only suggestion that occurred to me, was that there were a few paragraphs, where you are describing the conversation between the main characters and the twitchy neighbors Frank and Josh. While these are well written paragraphs, part of me wanted to read the actual dialog. If you wanted to expand or change it, that could be an option.

Also in the following sentence: After a little clean up and relaxing awhile, my emotions flared and I flushed a little with anger that these guys would try to talk me out of my property with a few "ghost stories". <--- Here, it seems like you should give us a peek at his internal conversation a bit more. You do later on, once he's already mad but maybe give us a little peek at his internal voice, to see just what wound him up afterwards, as he reviews the advice the odd neighbors have tried to offer/give him.

This: Anyway, off to bed to focus on work the following day. <---It feels like you threw in this sentence to wrap it up. When I read it, to me, it felt a bit awkward. I sadly can't offer any suggestions for smoothing it out and it may just be my own personal preference really.

Here: and 10 million something’s... well, the number was impressive <--- I was at first unsure what you were referencing. I assume you're talking about the many switches and things on the flashlight? You might want to make this just a touch more clear.

stink’ in <-- I think it would be stinkin' but don't quote me on that.

Here: It felt like a mosquito buzzing around your ear, driving me nuts and angered me <--- This reads awkwardly. Maybe try rewording it. Also, I think you meant 'angering' me instead of angered.

This: For unknown reasons I went down that path, human curiosity for the better part, not wanting to go back into the basement for the latter part. <--- I'm not sure, given the choice, that I would prefer an unknown, strangely lit, rocky place over the basement that... while creepy, isn't the unknown. However! This is your character, only you know what he would do, but this action struck me as against normal human nature of the unknown, even in the face of something 'odd'.

This is another line that reads a little awkwardly to me: I could only wonder that this is what happens in hell.

Maybe split this up a bit? Seems long: Two of them, larger than most started fighting, calling threats in their hideous voices which was the sound I had been hearing, only loud enough now to cause my head to feel like it was splitting in two.

Another awkward one: What took forever, I finally reached the entrance.

This line: I shot out of bed <--- This phrase in-particular is undescriptive. Or rather I should say, maybe it doesn't paint the image you want it to. In my mind I see the character shooting up in a rather cartoon, bullet shot into the air, kind of way. Maybe describe what happens. Did he sit up? Did he fall out of bed? The character was running, you could even say he wakes up banging into a wall and waking up his wife as his physical body attempts to keep up with his dream exit. Describe it. This whole piece is very strong, but this line kind of makes it peter out before the smooth finish in my opinion.

Here: like that. Finally <-- Seems like there should be a paragraph break between the end of that sentence, and the one that begins with the word finally.

And last but certainly not least, if you wanted to expand the piece, perhaps give it some more depth you could do some of the dialog you referenced to between the husband and wife, when she gives him a hard time about his nightmare.

Overall, a very good piece! Please don't take any of the above as anything more than creative suggestions! :)
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Review of WIP - Althea  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Noticed a typo:

offered my his hand <-- offered me his hand

with a with a cocky grin <--- with a cocky grin

Also, I loved your 'interview with a vampire' quip. Very amusing.

The last paragraph perhaps could use a little expansion. Aside from needing a bartender, was there anything else that caused her to choose him? Was it because she felt bad for being rude? She did have a whole handful of apps to choose from, it seems like there might be more to her reasoning, only because this particular applicant/character pissed her off so much that I would think, she might choose anyone BUT him! :)

Other than that, there are no wasted words here. It was a pleasure to read and you wrapped it up nicely, leaving this reader curious for more.



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Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Suggestions:

because that's when my best friend in the world got hit by a truck <--- Maybe instead of stating this, describe it. Tell us what the character saw in the dream. Was it a realistic dream? Give details, so we can experience the same emotions you're trying to imbue your character with. Especially since you, in the next paragraph, tell us that it's a memory that the character is reliving in the dream.

A small typo: never got at hurdles <-- I think you mean good at hurdles.

Otherwise, good. You begin to draw a picture, but it would be nice to know a few more details about how the characters look. Also, I'm not sure slipping a knife into your daughters pocket is going to make her candidate for mother of the year. :)
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Review of Blood And Love  Open in new Window.
Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Suggestion:

Pick a gender for the character, it will draw the reader in if you paint a more precise picture. I see how you're attempting to make it pleasing for all, by not using a specific gender, but if you would like to maintain this, I suggest you make it so the gender is ambiguous.
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Review by S. Wynterbourne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Short, sweet and touching. The only thing I might recommend is to give the reader more of the scene. For example, why are the police involved? It's almost like you begin by introducing it as a crime scene, but the second half doesn't seem criminal at all, more sentimental. I liked it but wanted more detail.
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