Loved this poem!!!! I love rainy days, and this is such a nice "undepressing" wise joy shown in a simple ordinary day, and it's just right. My mind wanted to add the two words added below in ().
Dreams (are)not lost,
(but)simply disguised and wrought
in everyday fabric
that clothes the hours,
Very mature outlook to realize where one's dreams really lie! Yay!
Hello! thanks for your review, here's my back at'cha. The name of this caught my eye;0) I enjoyed this description, and I liked how the object of yoru affection was autumn, not a person ;0)implies true enjoyment of the season;0)The line breaks, at least as they appear here look too long, or rambling, I wouls try shortening a little, you have many lovely phrases, digesting one at a time would be easier for the reader.
I smell roasting wood and perfume/ "roasting is interesting...woodsmoke "is" a smell/perfume
The curve of your face with rose shadows, on October sunsets of red clouds and a moon...."on", would "reflecting" be better?
ooooo, love that last line! I rearranged the first few lines, they were a bit run-on:
The wind gushed in the open window, the curtains fluttering about (in) the chill of December wind, The curtains fluttered in the open window, the chill of December wind gushing in--something was terribly wrong. Jon looked through the darkness to his daughter's bed. He was horrified to see it empty, the blankets tossed aside like all his hopes of a happily ever after.
Take out couldn't in divorce paragraph.
You sound like my son, gotta get the gun's model number in somehow (big wink) hope this helps
Hello! Thank you for the review, I appreciate your thoughtfulness! This is a very nice poem, as the reader I get a vibrant picture of the landscape and what you saw in it. I don't know what a ghazal is(maybe you could add a note on the form? it owuld interesting) but I feel the last stanza is a little tacked on. Everything before is just right, I wouldn't change a thing. I like your repitition of red rocks. I'm sure the last stanza has personal meaning for you, but I feel(just my own opinion ;0) if you were to maybe change Susan to I that might work too, or maybe "we". I suppose "we" and "I" is more universal. Thank you!
Cool!! Awesome!! Woo Hoo!! You did it!! "religious" poetry is very hard to pull off without sounding sentimental and sticky. Great job!! Your first stanza is absolutely perfect in words and flow. The last line of stanza two needs shortening. Third stanza is perfect. Fourth take out very(for rhythm). Fifth, I gasp, He pushes(take out as). Sixth, take out as's. All this is just to keep up the short, breathless sound of your poem. All this is only my opinion, though, LOVED IT!!!!! (a 5 for the love ;0)
Fun! Just enough, and a great ending:0) The aliens must have seen a special something in you! :0) It flows nicely, and I understand what happens--no confusion. I really liked your last paragraph, how you summed it all up--you have a no-nonsense kind of voice through the whole thing, and then get witty, nice!
Hello! Here's my return review :0) I enjoyed your poem! My only comment is to suggest taking out some "the's", "that's", "like's" and a few "could's"--always scrutinize these kinds of words to see if they're really needed, usually they are not. You can see the changes below...
My baby is desire,
Like the wind's smooth caress on a hot summer day.
My baby is lust,
Like burning embers in an autumn sky.
My baby is passion,
Forever lighting dying ashes within.
My baby is an itch,
One that can never be scratched away,
Like a drug,
Potent and addictive,
Forever intoxicating, never yearning to be sober.
Like an unquenchable thirst,
A drink I can never get enough of.
Eyes burn and sear through my soul,
Seeing all that words could never say.
My baby is heat,
Cloaking me in arms that warm the coldest of nights.
My baby is love,
All I ever need.
Hello! Thank you for your review, here's your back at'cha ;0)I enjoyed your poem and the images and their connections to your thoughts. I felt you could simplify it just a bit, taking out stuff like "the" and the "do's". Here is my snipping:
To the sea –
ever inconsistent sea –
I roam.
The attraction is fascinating, I'm enthralled.
In the waves –
ever bold cascades of waves –
I dream.
One day they bring violence,
Another day they bring adventure.
To the tides –
ever changing tides –
I wait.
Late at night, full moon,
late at night, high tide.
In the sea –
ever inconsistent sea –
inconsistencies so familiar
tides, reefs, shores, so similar,
I long for the stability it brings.
Some people may prefer capitals at beginning of lines. Thank you!!!!!
Hello! I enjoyed this very much! The language seemed just right, just like how people of that time spoke(or at least wrote). The only word that caught my eye as "twentieth century" was "semi civilized", maybe "halfway civilized" would be better, or...? Thank you, this was great!!!!
Hello again! I enjoyed your word picture, again ;0). I think you can keep going with this. My imagination makes the woman Marilyn Monroe (kind of like an Elvis sighting ;0). A detail I would add is that she would have a glove on when she grasps the thistle--at least the thistles here are nasty with thorny stems. Also, what does she do with the thistle? What kind of vase? What kind she used and where she places it could tell more about her. Thank you!!!
Hello! This would make a great children's poem! I think breaking the poem up into three sections(after "any more" and "they whisper") would help, it gives a pause within the flow that defines the three images you have going on. I don't think you need the "but". THank you!
Hello! Your piece caught my eye because I live in Oregon and have visited many of the places you mention. I would like to comment on your intro--it could be shortened to one paragraph(one para. because of the short length of the piece). You spend three paragraphs talking about places other than the Arboretum, and do not mention the Arboretum until the second paragraph. Also, spend more time describing your experience at the Arboretum. Keep going, you've got a good start! ;0)
Hello! You've got a great start here! The words are nicely combined. Maybe I would try breaking up the lines differently, it seemms a little jerky to my inner ear. The smelling image doesn't seem to fit with the listening/sight images, I would work with other ways to say it. Thank you!
hello! This is super! You combine the image of spider and the allure of poetry just right! There were only two things--I wanted to read "entwine" for "and twine" and the last stanza indenting did not match the first two stanzas. I really like the sound of "so I nay die a happy fly" Thank you!!
Hello! I really liked the images here. I had a thought while reading this, I was hearing this poem more as the tree describing its experience, rather than you describing it. I think this might be more catching using the tree's voice? Take out "like" if you can. Thank you!
Hello! This reminds me of Wordsworth's Daffodil poem(something like that, I think I'm dtoo sleepy to look up an verify my memory). Very nice "halcyon" images work well together. The only awkward place may be the last line...maybe "I saw life as a dream and I awoke." or "I saw life as a dream; I awoke." Although is it a good thing to wake up from such a good dream, or keep on?;0)
Hello! what a fun poem idea! My only "change" would be to make a few more line breaks-- "poetic/over", "makes/sulfur", "expeditions/to", "far/too"--but this only comes from some need I have to have lines in a poem be complimentary/balanced(not having a few be extra long compared to the others)--just me. Also the last two lines don't seem to be quite the right summary--perhaps I mean the idea is good, but the particular word choice is fuzzy. Anyhow, I really enjoyed this! Maybe the extravagant sulfur is the stuff from Yellowstone mud pots?
Hello! There are a lot of great images and phrases in your poem(I vote for poem). Since I prefer it as a poem, I would make shorter lines--(to me) long lines are harder to get my brain around, a too big chunk to digest. The part about your mothers tree would be a good seed for another poem, but does not seem to fit here because you don't describe its character like the other trees. Also, you don't need the first line/question because you set up your idea in the title--using the title to set up your theory is enough suggestion to get a reader going. Maybe sub "we" for humanity in the last line--more intimate? thank you!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wyldthang
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:09am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
