Hey, Ellie, Dee here.
Can't wait for next week's chapter! Oops, showing my age a bit. Too many Saturdays in the movies watching serials. Sorry, surprised by some feelings of nostalgia.
Okay now to ... the fun.
Basically, you have everything there. Now try some suggestions (only suggestions).
General Perceptions:
~ Too expansive (wordy) As an exercise, try cutting the first paragraph in half by condensing/combining the number of repetitive words and sentence structures. This doesn't mean you have to eliminate any story just try to pack the story in fewer sentences (takes practice!) You can start by removing as many "she"s and "her"s and "was"s as possible and placing what is left together. Show both to a friend and see which they like.
Really bad example (sorry, tired):
(Not as Good): She went to the window across her room and she looked out. She wanted to see what was making all the noise.
(Better?): Crossing to the open window she looked out, wanting to find the source of the nerve jangling noise.
It is not just the "she/her", it is the sentence structure which contains the word. The structure locks you in, becomes inflexible in and quickly repetitive.
~ Explain what "it" is (eliminate it). If you don't, it won't always be clear what it means and it can confuse the reader as to what it it is in the story (Did I put enough "it"s in there?) You actually do very well with this. Much better that most. (me, for instance)
In conclusion :
Generally, don't panic! Write the story first with all the she-s , her-s, was-s and it-s. Once the elements are there then you do what I call story enrichment -- getting rid of empty words, compacting the action and adding all the little accents that will hold the reader. For me sprinkling the spice is the best of writing.
Dee Prell
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