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Review of A Dying Breed  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The wordplay is awfully good and the structure comes out right. It does seem to me you might give a little more thought to the content (in other words, what does it say and is there some way to better say it). With that said, on the other hand, it is hard for me to imagine doing this any more justice than you have. It is metapoetry and I could only suggest, if I may that more metaphor and less direct speaking might lend an air of mystery to this.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The biggest thing is the poem and general visual it does give. I will say this is very old school, I suppose you know that, from the Emily obsessed with death collection. That isn't a bad thing nor is it badly penned....it's just recognizable. The one thing it doesn't do in my view that some of her stuff did (and people like Shelley, Byron etc) is step outside its comfort zone. Everything here is a neat package ABABA...which is ok but I would say it lacks a syllabic cadence along with the rhyme. For the language and general use alone....its a four...its better than many I see. You could tinker a bit and breathe a little more life into it as well.
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Review of The Contractor  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Here is what I need in that first paragraph and I don't feel I get it. I need a sense of what is going on and I also need the whole thing to grab me a little more.

See, you say, "I leave the dying to the streets." But let's be honest, I have no idea what that means...I don't know what you were thinking as a writer at this time and I cannot see the dying you left to (did you mean "in the streets"?) the streets.

This is unfortunately something you have to describe for me. What do these dying look like, smell like, sound like etc? If you say, "What does it matter?" that will drive me crazy because if it didn't matter, why did you present the information to me? So if it is there, I suppose t is important and need it described. That is from the beginning. If you say there is something going on or a structure or a person, you had better offer up SOME KIND of description because you must pity the reader.

On the other hand, the story idea is good. You just need to flesh it out a bit.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
It isn't bad in that it begins with action and dialogue, meaning you intend to show right out of the box. But I lack context. In other words, at the very beginning, where these people are talking, where they are physically sitting, doesn't show up. For me as the reader, they are sitting in a great white, or even invisible, space, waiting for you to fill it with setting. Not that I need every single little detail there, but I probably need to know what Daniel looks like and are you maybe sitting around a fire while camping??? Or just sitting in the kitchen at the table. Give me something brief to hook my mind on, I may fill in the rest. But you have to give me something.

Anyhow, the story begins like a good creepy story, even if it is told by a party second-hand (as many good ghost stories are). But I am missing...atmosphere. I just mean setting. Just a little more of that right off the bat. At first, he can say something, but then we should be able to see him as you do and see where you are at.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"She sits under the Ash tree, staring at a statue of Aphrodite." Ah...this is changed. It makes it better. I still believe those teenage kids are either good in this because I want to kick them in the ass, or bad because I feel like...well, would they be ragging on her in real life? Either way, the thing is good. I think it could make it in Vine Leaves or something but remember you could have trouble with that because it is already copyrighted here....though I am not sure if that matters much to them. Maybe it could make it there though. Or several other places. You should check to see.
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Review of Roadtrip  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well I don't like the way it ends. Perhaps I am a little close to the story. Smells too much like AGMIHTF....Flannery O'Conner. But it is well-written at any rate, a yarn with the surprise ending everyone seems to like about our buddy Flannery. Personally, I just hate to root for someone that goes toes up (or toes down) at the end of the story.

However, look at how you wrote here! This is done well and the tension does kind of build, or it wants to and then I don't know what is going on. So then we just have death and any protagonist love I might have had is gone. Though, like O'Conner, you also didn't build any over abiding love within me for these folks anyway. So I won't miss them too much in the end.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It is a nice story. If I may, I will give you some tips on improving it, and once you get the hang of doing this, you will almost do it without thinking.

OK, so get away from "to be" verbs....Had been, was, is, have been...they are bad for writing and this one is not a bad story, but you have to find a way to put things that do not use those verbs. So what do you do? You simply replace them with active, specific verbs....because if flowers had been drenched with water, they aren't doing anything (though I thought I might let this pass if I saw no further examples of it). What is the doer in the sentence? The water? Then let it drip down the flowers, which are the object of the sentence. Instead, you have something being done to the flowers, but they are first in the sentence. Think it doesn't matter? You'd be wrong...and I am a fellow sinner there, but rather more reformed than I used to be.
Also, don't tell me what could have happened...or should have....tell me what is, and what people are doing (or did). That is the only way, I'm afraid. Because those other ways of telling are...well they just tell me what someone should have done...not what they are doing. It is just a passive way to do it.
Honestly, if you just do those things, this will shape right up because my overall impression is the story is a good one.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I read through these rapidly, but there are very few problems with tense or commas or any of the rest, and that is the easy part to fix. Here is where your problem is (grammar and usage nazis must excuse me on this).....you are worrying about the wrong things.

That first paragraph is almost golden, though I would begin with the description of the character and then dialogue. Just my feeling. What I DO know is this is very....VERY...dialogue heavy. That is actually something Hemingway got away with a whole lot, but he did include some setting and description. Insofar as you do this, it is still within dialogue. Usually I am advising people to express more in dialogue so the reader is not taken too far out of the story and so the characters are doing something. This is the opposite of that. Your characters need more narration. Well your story does. It isn't that any of it is bad...actually the dialogue is quite good. It's just that I don't have much else to hang up my reading hat on. And I think it needs some more of that.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sure why not review this....and I am writing from my phone. You know I think you ought to see how much of this you can devote to alliteration. There is more to be found here I think. There is an appeal to any writer or would be writer and certainly anyone who has been through the submission process. I also found out something: even once you get something accepted, it really doesn't make you the kind of success a writer wishes to be. I am not sure if that ever happens. Anyhow....I say pour on the alliteration here.
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Review of A Girl in Town  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Well, alright then.

"In a small exotic town called Breelum, people were preparing for the arrival of their new neighbour, the Smiths."--this is telling not showing...therefore it is instantly boring. How is it exotic? If you are going to tell me exotic, you had better show me. Maybe you should just say in a small town called Breelum people...well here is the second issue. The use to the word "were" is passive. I get people prepared...but were preparing? No. Passive. As a matter of fact, this is better, "Everyone in Breelum knew when the Smiths moved in." There. Not passive, don't like the prepositional ending but it'll do.

"For a town which had close to no newcomers for the last century, their names soon became viral among the curious Breelums. Before they had even arrived, the town was already filled with rumours about them. Some said the Smiths were secret agents from the government who were sent to spy on them, some said they were just a few nice people wanting to find a new home to settle down in.

“Ring….Ring…..” Miss Cormier walked in room 422 with joy. Behind her was a young girl, around 16, with short brown hair, wearing a dark blue t-shirt and a black jacket. She looked down at her black jeans and thought, “Not bad for my first day…” "

You know what you just did? First you got a little gobbledygooky with me on the whole history of the town. Again, a description of the town, some history and that kind of thing would go nicely. Don't just tell me about it! Show me! The best I have for showing is what some people said and some other people said...and so even THEY are telling. No one is showing me anything here!

Second part: What the hell is going on in the second paragraph? I went from trying to follow you on the history of Breelum and how they felt about the Smith's to "Ring, Ring" and something about something that may or may not have anything to do with the first paragraph! Doesn't work! Just doesn't. You don't switch subject without some transition or I'm going to have whiplash. And if you don't believe me, submit this to any publisher and IF you get a response, it will be along the lines of "This is all over the place" or "Can't follow." You want to know why? Because you bored them in the first paragraph by telling, THEN you whiplashed them into "huh?" with the second paragraph. They don't read far, my friend. Believe me when I tell you. You either grab them by the balls right off the bat and give them something to live for or your manuscript is headed to the circular file. You didn't grab here.

OK...admittedly the hashtag is cute...that works...but you just whiplashed me again! Here I am all of a sudden in a classroom. What happened?

OK, this is partly about camera work. You know how cameras often sort of zoom in and kind of take a panoramic shot before they focus on the situation? That's how you have to tell this story. Big story first, panoramic...how does it look, smell, feel, taste? Because your reader is there too. You can't let your brain do the talking or we get this, which is more like a weird dream where you are ripped from scene to scene while your brain attempts to file away other information as you sleep. You need camera help here. Big first, then slowly down to little. I want to step inside that schoolhouse....I want to see the kids looking at me...or I want to see the kids looking at the kid....something like that. Big story first, then down to the narrowest part of the detail....what is over in the corner of the room? What does the teacher look like exactly? And not too exactly either or it looks as if you are trying too hard.

OK...that's it for a starter.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This wants....to become Vonnegut it wants for more story and less clipped pace. It has that goofiness Vonnegut has but it feels too short and also I think it needs to be more active. Less was statements like and more stuff in active form. The whole story idea is fantastic but it needs more in the telling and just a brushing up on the form. You get where you are going very fast but there is a reader there and you must bring them with you. You must still create the world in the active form, as much as possible. Now on the other, it was meant to be nonsense, but this is meant to lead somewhere. If that is the case, you are the leader.

I think you can say that someone had some trouble with violets, that millions lay in purple lumps all over the Earth and he created violet be gone...or some such...then make it a way to show that anything can be hated and destroyed but that it all has consequences. It is a sort of allegory and that is what made Vonnegut great. Or you make the violets win in the end somehow by making them man eating violets. Thats the sort of thing that is missing here. But it is good...the idea is there. I just think to go beyond the zaniness of it and hit a nerve, which was the aim of the authors you like, you will have to flesh this out.
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Review of Lead Paint  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is excellent for the most part. Each paragraph is its own story. I want it to go somewhere and it doesnt, which is the best part. There are ten short stories here, or more and generally all are well written. In addition, you both show and tell here, though I think that if you are showing less it doesnt need to be there...the showing part. The short length makes it safe and expected to tell.

Now, there are small publications that deal with nonsense writing, and you cant do much with it, but this works there. It also maybe works as a part of something longer assuming you do bring some coherent meaning to it or some direction it is going. I am thinking of Lessing and some of her work which is and can be a kind of stream of consciousness thing that jumps around a bit, but of course is going somewhere in the end. This makes me look at it and frankly try to tie the ends together or weave the web here. There is a great deal of political satire here, but also madness and several other things...animal thought etc. But anyone giving this three stars is vastly, vastly misunderstanding the potential of all this stuff, either as a part of something bigger or as little stories waiting to get big or just as something that is a lot of blobbity blob sitting by itself.
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Review of Our Only Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Ah, well.....What I have done is take your poem and re-done it. It is a little better, I think. It may contain that something missing. If you want to know what is missing, it is the internal things and the conflict of emotions. Mine can be revised by you and made into something, I think, that can be extraordinary, or you can discard it. But it is an example of what can be done in a short while by revising to the real emotion and not just telling what the thing is, but also showing...and by also delving a little deeper. Admittedly, this is only a rough revision of what you wrote, and looks like an entirely different poem, but pay attention, I would say, to the spirit of the thing....anyhow, here it is:

There is a secret you and I hold together—

That night I followed you up the steps to
your room and you opened the door and you
pressed your hands to my face
and kissed me slowly. But I,

somehow strangely chivalrous in
circumstances unchivalrous indeed placed
a small kiss on your forehead. You
retreated, slipping away

as the petal of a rose would—
silk through my fingers—and I said
nothing for you had said everything.
This is to let you know

that I cared for you then more
than he—
I am sure you found that out later—but I
feared to grab you and

pull you back into an embrace,
as a wild animal you were and my
mind went to freedom,
freedom, not some forced deluge of

mixed emotion or colored,
pre-bound romance.
If my heart hammered in my chest I wondered
if the hammering sounded of love or fear.

And if by fear I reached out
and gathered you into my arms
embracing what I would possess
would not the wild thing struggle

to be free? And if by love
mustn’t I let you go;
and click back down the
steps and out into the winter

gently falling about my face?


Not in love with it and there are things that still feel off, but understand this is a first revision. You should do many, many more. You have to achieve the perfection of the moment and all the things that are in it, in my view, to create the total work.
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Review of Samount Gugar v2  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I will answer your questions. As to question 1: Yes, there is, and you are asking the right question...why does the beginning feel so stale? I know you think it is the content, but it isn't. It is the style. Almost always the style and form (some mistake this for grammar, but it isn't) are off in something that feels stale.
You are telling me lots of information, but not really showing me. I will give you my favorite example of showing from John Steinbeck to help you out : "The Salinas Valley is in Northern California. It is a long narrow swale between two ranges of mountains, and the Salinas River winds and twists up the center until it falls at last into Monterey Bay." What do you notice about this? Take a look at the active verbs he is using, "winds" "twists" "falls". These active verbs are the key to active writing.
He goes on...and this is my favorite part:" I remember my childhood names for grasses and secret flowers. I remember where a toad may live and what time the birds awaken in the summer--and what trees and seasons smelled like--how people looked and walked and smelled even. The memory of odors is very rich." Well all of this is from the beginning of East of Eden, and there is so much more description of this valley. Description until you think you live there yourself.
Now what you do is give me a town name, then tell me it is typical (what that means I don't know), and then you go on like something out of wikipedia....how many residents, gross domestic product etc....and I am being a little comical about some of it, but you know what I mean. You haven't given me anything for my senses, just a dry intellectual idea of what the town is. But I need to see it, hear it, smell it, touch it...even taste it in order for it to come to life. Look at just the beginning of the Steinbeck....it starts out like wikipedia doesnt it? But then there is so much more and it builds upon you, line by line, until you can almost feel the dirt in California, and the grass and the water....and you can smell it too. So the sensory is the most important thing. If you want that description to have "more action", make it move!

Question 2: It doesn't matter. She needs to be who she is. Your characters are running the show, not you. I know you might have thought she would be one way, or should be another, but does she add to the story? Does she have something that runs deeper than just her looks....from what I see, she does.

Question 3: It seems about right for a time-travel bit.

This looks like a good story, and I have only given it the once over, which means I skimmed in and out, observed some parts and did not observe others. I didn't close read it at all. I don't see the kinds of mistakes people usually make. There is not any passivity that I can see, the dialogue is solid. The form of the paragraphs is alright. That first bit is a little dry....try out Steinbecking it a bit. But do you feel these characters are good? Then leave them.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Here is what I would like you to do. I am going to take the first paragraph of this thing and put in comments...the good bad and ugly. Then try to re-write the thing that way...the way I'm hopefully going to show you. This is good for a beginning and you have a way with suspense that I think shows some potential. I will just put mine in parens because I can't change colors in this. It may seem I am picking, but just look at what I am saying, write it slightly different and check the difference....then just take in what I am saying here and re-write this whole thing with all of that in mind.....I spent some time on this, so just do me a favor and try it. You will find yourself going in directions you never thought you would go.

"The night was stormy and ominous ("was" almost always means you are telling and not showing...also, stormy how, ominous how...show me some detail about the night), and I couldn't sleep. Then again, it seemed that (don't place a phrase in here like "it seemed that" because it has the effect of taking me outside the character's POV) lately (no adverb here) every night I couldn't even rest my eyes. It was an unusual sleeping pattern for me and I wasn't used to it (two was's in one sentence...rephrase actively). I gazed at the window not even looking out (in)to the distance. I simply (no adverb...makes this weaker) sat and watched as the raindrops fell like tears down the glass pane. I turned my head to look upon the sleeping children of the orphanage and sighed, listening as each of them snored in an individual fashion (this is not bad....I would like more detail...what did they look like what were they sleeping on, what is an individual fashion...but it'll do)

OK, so this is just me trying to get a couple things out there to you. You can see lots of my early stuff on here, and it is much the same. As far as I am concerned, if we don't workshop this stuff, there is no reason to be here. And I will go further.

For the first sentence, let's make it, "The rain beat down on the orphanage all night. Lightning flickered through the room. I felt something threatening, almost dangerous in the air. To be sure, lightning frightened me, but this felt internal, as if the lightning somehow lit inside me." This is really just off the top of my head, but it is the kind of thing I mean when I say make it active and provide those specific details. There is also some foreshadowing going on. Mine isn't perfect. I don't even know if I like it. But it is the sort of thing I mean.

The second sentence is easier. "Then again, every night I couldn't even rest my eyes." There it is without all that other stuff to bugger it up. And you are giving the reader more direct information.

The third sentence: " I used to sleep like a bear in winter, but for the past week I just couldn't remember the trick." Something like that...active and I was going to say sleep like a log, but that is cliche....bear in winter kind of sucks too...but you see what I am going for. No wuzzes....no adverbs, though I was tempted there to put usually in the sentence. And you can...but be careful with it.

Next sentence...no real problem, though I thought into fit better.

Next sentence " I sat and watched as the raindrops fell like tears down the glass pane." I admit, this isn't as active as I would like....essentially, you are just sitting there looking at something...and then I, the reader, begin to wonder why in the world you are just sitting there doing nothing....I wonder if this might be cut. Or perhaps you could say that your fear paralyzed you so that you felt you could only....you see what I am saying....keep it in that mood...that suspenseful mood.

The last sentence is up to you. It is alright as is, but maybe Darius made a cooing sound...and Thomas snored in great grunts.....it adds atmosphere and makes those sleepers, even if they are not a big part of the story, real live human beings to the reader. Now that does not mean describing them as if you are filing a missing children's report. A kid can have sandy blonde hair, but you don't have to paint him out fully...four foot eleven, blue eyes, small feet, last seen wearing a sailor suit....you see where it can go...don't take the description that far. But sure, Thomas can snore in great grunts, and maybe he can have hair that is shaved...maybe all the kids do, because maybe they get lice there....these are just ideas as the occur to me, and maybe not what you want. But I would say go in that direction if you want it to really sing.

So the story has potential, and I hate to see a story get lost. But if you follow just some of this stuff you can actually find the story and bring it to life. Avoid telling....avoid telling about the gunshots and give me a show...an example....a story about it. You are filling me with information, but this is a fictional tale. You like to tell stories or you would not be here. Tell me, in the second paragraph about this immunity. Tell me how the other kids have been sick with the flu and what they did....they were feverish and they were what else? Weak....and sometimes they cried out in their sleep. But not you....if you felt anything....you might describe it as....well. Very well, in fact, because maybe the weaker they got the stronger you did....or maybe not...it is your story after all...but you gave me a good description as you might on a video game, of your character's unusual power over sickness, but unlike a video game, you don't have the ability to provide me a picture of it. Therefore, you must show me.

You must paint a picture and a narrative about the time on the playground where you found yourself indestructible. That is backstory, and a lot to write....a lot to add...but you must, because you must show it and not tell it. Tell me that you were playing on the monkey bars and you fell right onto your arm and...well, you must have broken your arm....a teacher came running over and rushed you to the nurse...a doctor...whatever....but they never found even a scratch or a hint of broken bone there. Your teacher, shocked, kept you off the playground for a week, afraid you would "take too many chances".....see? Like that.....something like that.





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Review of Trek  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent description throughout, maybe sometimes a bit overwhelming in parts ("Gaunt and sallow featured, with greasy tangles of dull hair falling around her starved face, Tyri had red, bloodshot eyes wide with fear and impersonal rage like a cornered animal."--somehow get this into two sentences or something...I am drowning on description here but almost everywhere else it is just right).

This is fairly solid...one slip or thing to improve: you don't do it much, but there are izzes, which are the same as wuzzes...in other words, suspect any sentence with "is" or "was" of being passive. That's easily fixed by using an active verb. Example, how can you do this sentence, "Exactly how the car got there is a mystery, but it is safe to say that it has been part of the area for a while." without izzes? Also, there is the matter of point of view. I ask, "who is this a mystery to?" which is a part of why the passive almost never works.

Adverbs...they are ok, but I don't like resentfully because you are cheating by trying to show me feeling without actually having to show it. As a result, you are telling me this character is resentful, but I bet you know telling me that is bad, or else you know by instinct, so you try the trick of the adverb. My advice? You don't need the word at all...get rid of it.

You're already good, so I am not going to butt my nose into it too much. There are other tweaks you could make, but those are the things I see. Potential of professional writing here. For sure you do not want to stop writing, ok? Even when it gets tough.
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Review of Empty Road Edited  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well the idea behind the story, like the idea behind almost every story, is good, and you should keep plugging away at it. What I think of it is that it has great potential. All of the elements of suspense, conflict and so on are there, I just think you need to really fish them out a bit more, and maybe I can be of some help in letting you know how to do that.

Let me take an example of what you wrote: "Jensen is a quirky man. He is opinionated, stubborn, and old-fashioned." Without boring you, I will say you did an excellent job of telling me about Jensen. You gave me a list of character traits you want me to focus on. Where I think it falls short is that you failed to show me. The idea that someone is opinionated, stubborn, or old-fashioned is a good exercise intellectually, but the question is what it really means or what it would look like if I looked at it, heard it, smelled it....so on. To connect with a reader, you must show them this through description which is direct and precise. Instead, what I have here is a dialogue that begins to show those things in this character, then a listing that tends to pull me out of the story so I can pursue, intellectually, what it means to be those things. Confidence is the key. If you are confident that your dialogue has shown these things, you will not feel you need to then list them, just to be sure I "get it." The reason is very simple: it is not my responsibility to "get it," it is your responsibility to show me what to get. Don't think I am being harsh about it by saying that, because I want you to make this story what it can be, but the only way that will happen is if you feed it to me the right way. Give me the dialogue, then trust me to make up my own mind.

Also, I want you to make this story more linear. There is no need to begin with a prologue, especially when the story is short. I know that kind of thing is en vogue in many popular novels now, but here it has the effect of jerking me out of my space-time position and killing the suspense you are trying to build at the beginning. Start with the story itself, how did you come to go on the adventure etc. Just tell it in a linear fashion. This isn't Cloud Atlas (and even then, most of the stories are linear) and you want people to understand where they are in the story.

One key to showing and not telling...a bit of a secret people get to know as they do this more: keep your stuff active. Re-phrase your sentences with active verbs and not versions of "to be." I mean words like was or is. On the first draft, was feels good and that is fine because you want to keep moving and telling the story, but then go back through and replace all that. Here is a sentence that has that passive, wuzzy stuff going on: "This was a new experience that I hoped would bring me inspiration which I desperately needed." This is also telling and not showing. You are telling all about your mindset intellectually, but it doesn't bring the story to life both because it is passive, and because you are just telling me what you hope for. In that case, you would be better writing, "What I Did on My Summer Vacation," which would be more of an essay. Even then, essay writers avoid that passive voice. Even scholarly papers try to avoid it, when they can. Sometimes maybe you have to give me what you are hoping and dreaming, but usually, too much pepper spoils the pot. The whole sentence is passive and sort of says, "Hey, I am going to tell you exactly what I am thinking and why because I haven't shown you, so I feel I must." Which is why you did it that way. I don't care if you need to have your character spell out hopes and dreams in dialogue while they eat dandelion soup or something, as long as it is not passive and as long as it does not take the reader outside of the story.

Now, I will tell you have put things out on this site that are decidedly second-rate, and this is the place for that stuff...the perfect place. What I often got from readers are things like my "grammar" was off. Actually, my style was off. Grammar is a fuzzy kind of thing that I don't care much about in creative writing (nor do a good many published authors). But style is all important, and this is what they meant...I had a great story, but my style was bad. Luckily, this can be fixed by going through the structure and improving on it. A first-draft, or even a second-draft are like bones without flesh. What you need to do is finish putting the flesh on to bring this to life in the eyes of the reader. It will NEVER be perfect, and someone will always find flaws in it, but with persistence, you can get this thing to a point where people are reading, seeing and feeling the story.
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Review of The Tavern  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This does a really good job of storytelling. As a part of a larger narrative, it will do well. A couple notes on some things I saw. One thing to avoid is becoming too gushy, either in your own prose or the language of your characters, especially if they are angry. So then, "She was a beautiful and wonderful woman who was led astray!" becomes, "She was led astray!", which is more like what you might hear in a real argument. Also, you did well to have some conflict in there and the religious conflict. I think it is fairly well-balanced, but watch that you do not become too preachy, or your characters dont. It is important for them to express that point of view, yet stay real. I think you do a pretty good job of this. Often I am reading one of these, and I begin to go, "Oh boy, here we go with the preachy bit" In this case, I did the "Oh boy" but it never really came to the preachy point, which I liked.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"A tall man with dark hair walked into the saloon. His black Stetson matched his black beard. He had a scar that ran down his right cheek" Now this was quite good. I am so glad you didnt lead with "The tall man", people often do this to add an "air of mystery", but whenever you first introduce a character, it should be "A"....now overall this lead in is very good. It is sparse and creates that kind of environment which is just right.

"He was one of the most notorious characters of the late 19th century."--This is not so great because it is passive and non-specific. There is no real need for it, and in flash fiction, you really want to save space for the stuff that counts.

Avoid the word "was"...you can use it, but try to re-write another way first.

"He approached the bartender and said “I’m looking for a man who has a bounty on his head. Foreigner, small and pudgy" I like this, but the rest becomes a little too "hey pardner" for me. This character, through his dialogue, becomes a generic "Black Bart" character, and you dont want that.

"A man matching the description of the bounty hunter glanced over at this discussion" here is the thing about this. I know everyone wants to write from every person's point of view, but the fact is, it might be better if the whole thing was from one perspective because in this case, you only have a limited number of words to express it. So, is the important character the bounty hunter or the time traveler? Once you figure that out, you know whose point of view you need to write from.

Overall, you know, some of the dialogue I really like, but I think the story misses something. On the other hand, as a part of a longer story, it can certainly be quite good. I am very torn about this, but think your potential to write, and your imagination point this closer to a four than a three. Just work on revising it, perfecting it, and deciding what you really want it to be.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Future  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Another where I love the end. I like the identification of time or the future as a set of clothes we can change. I am not sure if I am as into today being tommorrow's yesterday if only because it blows my mind :). I would like this poem even better if it set on something and sort of stuck. It goes scifi at the beginning, then into existentialism, then down to message. Maybe it needs to be longer or something. It feels like a lot to process. Again, probably you just blew my mind and it's too early on a Sunday for that :).
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Review of Dragons  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The storyline is alright for a fairytale but I see a few things you might consider revising. Now I dont care if you call her Amy Quick, give this poor girl a name! I am going crazy with pronouns or impersonal nouns in this. I have either "she" or "the girl". While I am sure everyone could refer to me only by a pronoun or an impersonal noun (the man, a man etc.) I doubt if I would like it. So you must give her a name and not be afraid to use it. OK, so one other problem I see is animal control for dragons.....and I am the type of person who thinks that the natural inclination of any person is to believe what they see and hear and to attempt not to believe anything else. I dont believe stories where characters act impossibly stupid or obtuse, as the mother does here. I think the disbelief should be more subtle, thats all. Perhaps it could be frightening, perhaps her mother cannot see what she does. But as soon as I know moms senses are the same....she sees and hears the same things.....I know she is going to believe in it, even if she does not want to. Then the mother just decides, "Well, you can stay," as if she is dropping off a stray cat? Hmmmmm.....what I think is the mother needs to be super mean and cruel and when she meets the dragon, it should be big and hungry, hungry enough to eat mother, or perhaps it puts her under a spell?
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Review of Guadalupe Road  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is almost perfect. I guess that I have the same questions anyone would have with a poem like this. Why does the poet decide to make some lines longer and some shorter? It is free verse but sometimes I just want to know the why behind the structure. You have these three lines:
"rubber torch processions
with adolescent joy and
convalescent eyes. "

So what I say is, with all the longer lines, here is an example of me wondering why the poet chose to hit <enter> after processions.... or "and"......could this have been two lines? I dont know and it does not take much away but I do wonder about that kind of thing.

Still, it is a very solid poem from my point of view.
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Review of Charming  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
OK, you want to create a stereotypical dream right? Gotcha. Trouble is that when you start narration like that, it is hard to do without becoming purple or....whatever the opposite of purple is. If you look at your first paragraph, it is empurpled but at the same time, it really doesnt say anything. Am I looking at daisy's, forget me nots.....what? See, there is this description of the sun which is great, until it get to "glowing blissfully upon them". I begin to feel like I am in the middle of an illuminated text from the Medieval days. Or a painting from the 19th century----you say "great! Thats what I was going for!" Not so fast, however because the description goes SO far it makes me sickly sweet, and that aint good. It also is not terribly specific so that it is purple and gray at the same time. And you are doing this to the reader right at the start.

Let me tell you that descriiption can be flat....I did a bit this morning that was flat, and I knew it but I submitted because my back was against the wall....anyway it can be flat or it can be round....if it is round, it cannot be obese, purple. But this is purple AND flat. It provides these superlative like "divine girls" without telling us about them. Sure, they have ringlets and pink and lavender dresses(what stereotypical girl that I probably DONT want to read about does not?) but what are they really? Its like you set the stage for this nice idea by taking me to a bad wedding.

The concept of the story is good, though it needs to be longer and dream stuff is hard to write anyway. If I were you, I would start by cutting the first three paragraphs.....seriously. It becomes a better story right away and one that makes me want to keep reading.
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Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
OK, you are the same age as my daughter and you both write. So whatever I am going to say to you, I would definately say to her because everyone is here to improve. I am an ordinary writer with many of the same problems I will accuse you of having. No doubt you would find some of these errors in my writing. In point of fact, I already have but have not corrected them. I wanted to see a progression in my work, is part of the reason and the other part is once a story is out, it is awfully hard to take it back in. So, here I go for 750gps worth of work:

"It was my favorite spot here when I was alive".---ok, you have a bad case of the wuzzes. Thats ok and it can be fixed but any sentence with was in it two times must go. Fix it or delete it because it is passive, or seems passive. Also, now that you are dead, is it not your favorite spot anymore? If it is, then it is your favorite spot and you shouldnt go on about it being your favorite spot living.

"I use to walk among the roses and lilies smelling the smells and listening to the animals moving nearby". ----this is nice....very good...and so only change "use" to "used"....the reason is this, and I checked. "used" to means to be accustomed to and also when you used the past tense, "used" means "use to be"...in this story, almost everything about this person used to be, right?

"I didn’t go because of a sickness or something like a heart attack or going in your sleep. It wasn’t something exciting either like a murder or a freak accident. I did it to myself. I was too dumb to know what I was doing.
I use to stress myself about everything; getting the best grades in class, getting the next promotion at my job, looking my best twenty four seven. By the time I was sixteen my hair was completely grey and super thin. I was tired all the time but kept being stressed anyway. It was the only way I knew how to live. It was the only thing causing my soul to fade out of existence." -----I can do without this whole thing and I will tell you why: I dont think I need to know all the things you didnt die of...the point is that you are dead. As I already know that, the things you didnt die of are of no consequence to the story right?

"From that day on, I would make small cuts on my finger or wherever I could reach to make the blood rush out"-----there is no easy way out. you made small cuts in your finger, sure.....OR wherever you could reach? This pretty much leaves a whole lot up to my imagination and I dont like it. I need narration. Treat me like I am stupid and tell me where and why you cut all those places.

"I knew it was going too far when all my thoughts were consumed with more bloodletting, but I tried to play it off as something minor. I didn’t tell anyone; all my goals vanished and I would spend all my day in the garden letting my blood touch the flowers. My mom didn’t notice anything; she was too busy trying to find a new lover every night.
I would cry by the pear tree over there praying for help, praying for the strength to get over this. It seemed like nobody up there cared so I just stopped praying, thinking there was no need to waste my time and theirs."------first, the wuzzes.....too many wuzzes for me. Second, does your mothers choice in lovers mean anything to the story? Cut that out. Third, narrate some more. I want to know which flowers the blood went over and which ones it didnt. I want to know more about the pear tree and the events that lead up to it. No easy way out. No easy way to the end of the tale.....right?

"My name is Janet by the way, Janet Zorr. By the time I died nobody knew who I was; not even me."----this is good and it should be the beginning of the story right here.....you can cut the rest above it for all I care, this line has weight.

" The day I died was like any other day;"-----if it was like any other day, why would I want to here about it. Tell me about the sun and the flowers but leave this part off.

Now, I am not going to go on because you get the point I am sure....no more mother's lover because it isnt the story. Do not tell me about the pleasure or pain.....you must narrate and describe. You must also answer, in detail, mom didnt stop you why? Dont just tell me she had a lover, show me what she did, what you talked about. You brought her into it, so now you have to tell me.

"I started to hallucinate that the roses and lilies and forget-me-knots were covered in my blood laughing at me"------this is good.....this is what I want to see only dont tell me you are hallucinating, get me into the scene and tell me that the flowers ARE laughing. In your mind they are. In mine they should be too, but when you say hallucinate, I say, "OK, I am still safe" yet you want to scare me and make me feel unsafe. You see what I mean?

Now it is not altogether bad, though I think it does not quite have a purpose and I also think you did not want to narrate some points that need to be narrated in order for this to be a fully formed story. I think you can do it, just go back over it and re-do, then get it looked at and re-do that, then repeat again. After the first idea is down, writing is a lot like chopping wood. I know the reality of that to many people sucks but I often say, "Why didnt this get the reaction I wanted." Often, lately, the real reason that comes up is that I didnt put the work in to make it that way.
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Review of When It Rains  Open in new Window.
Review by wworsham Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
OK, so you are a new person to this and I will tell you that I gave you a three because this is average for where you are. The first thing to understand is that if you are going to rhyme, you had better do two things. The first is you must have a pattern....that is...ABABAB or ABCABC or ABBACBBC etc. What I criticize in experienced poets is free form poetry that tries to be rhyming, form poetry. That is what this is. Additionally, some of the words like dry desert are alright but the rest dont paint a picture. In poetry every word matters, for the most part, and cannot just matte to the poet. Everyone must see it or it has no effect. I would avoid when it rains, when it pours because it sounds close to cliche. I like the juxtaposition of hot desert and cool breezes but it has to be closer together, not part of a separate thing.
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