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Review of Life Chapter Two  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please remember that all of my input is to be taken or not with a grain of salt and is ALL IMO.

This was a VERY well written scene. I can hear the muted strands of music, the clinking of icecubes in glass and the distant muffled guffaws of laughter from the other side of the room.

Each character, even shown briefly, are defined strongly within the story. Well done.

The convesation is life-like and comes across as real.

There were 2 spots that took me out of the story.

1 - When Bert is instroduced/re-introduced to Margaret he feels a 'pang of regret'...that doesn't make sense. Regret over what? The vagueness of his reponse? Regret over having to lie as he'd rather not say he's divorced? Regret feels like a bad word choice IMO.

2 - When Bert hears/notices Zoe he feels regret again? And Nostalgia? Neither word work here. Regret MIGHT work better if there's more substance to WHY he feels regret. Regret for having wasted a decade with the significant other from which he ultimately ended up divorced, when he could have been with Zoe?...Dunno. Again...word choice is odd and not clear.

3 - When Zoe is on the balcony and says 'you're not what I expected.' and then out of nowhere just starts talking about some ad campaign. WHAT????

Those 3 spots threw me from a really well written scene.

This may not have been a very constructive review and I apologize for that. But I find I can add more useful comments when the writing needs a lot of help.

Please keep writing.
Will


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2
Review of Aegis 2 - Heist  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Aegis 2 - Heist Review

Please remember that all of my input is to be taken or not with a grain of salt and is ALL IMO.

Paragraph 4 - I had to reread this chunk a couple different times in an attempt to be able to follow it accurately.
1 - Up is used 2x in the first sentence.
2 - With referencing that the chopper was 'up' in the first sentence...it is redundant to say the spotlights focused 'down'.

Were the characters surprised to see the chopper? Was that part of the plan? Showing us their reaction to a security chopper appearing behind them could add depth to the story and characters.

3 - Helicopters are noisy machines. Would they even hear the soldiers shouting commands? Wouldn't the chopper pilot or co-pilot use the speaker system for their commands?

4 - I got the impression that Catalina was done waiting with the first opening sentence.

5 - WHO slapped the air in front of WHO?

6 - "...like something had hit it's tail." This is a PRIME example of telling not showing. Show us that something hit the tail of the chopper.

7 - The humans on board did not 'try and stabilize'. They were successful. This phrasing/concept needs to be streamlined.
7a - If you wanted to expand on POVs in this story you could use this as an opportunity to introduce someoen chasing them who is in the chopper as well. Someone to foil the actions of the burglars. This would be a way to describe the actions inside the chopper with blaring warning bells and alarms due to the destabiliztion of the aircraft. (Just an option.)

8 - WHO tried to pull the trigger??? And if bullets flew then there was no try. Again, they were successful. See # 7 above.
8a - Not clear at all why the characters suddenly have a type of forcefield around them. Mosquito bites by their very definition have bitten you not bounced off. '...annoying more than anything....' = telling us, not showing.

9 - Not understanding how it hit her in the eye and if it hit 1 person (Catalina), why are both blinking??? Or is this a pronoun thing? If it's a pronoun thing then I hope there's a better way with the written word to describe a single individual without resorting to using a pluralization of an individual's pronoun. In this concept it take the reader out of the story which you do NOT want to do.

10 - Who are "the people"? If this references the 'mark' or 'target' then this would be a good idea to introduce who's object they're stealing. "The People" is TOO vague.

11 - If you break the glass of the roof on which they're standing then how do they not fall?

12 - If they can see the object under the glass beneath them then it would have made sense for them to see it earlier and comment on it. Kind of a ...so close yet so far...thing.

13 - How did Mira float down? Was she on a rope or what? If this is another indication that these 2 have special powers that should be explained sooner. And how could either of these 2 characters hear the people in the chopper call for backup? And it may sound like nitpicking...but the chopper itself would not call for backup.

14 - How did Mira trip the electricity and power down the shield surrounding the orb? Wouldn't the backup generators mentioned earlier kick in immediately and power backup the shield? We also received the impression or inferred the idea that Mira was working at some console or other to cut the power and disable the backup generators and that plan was kibashed with the arrival of the security force in the chopper. So...how did Mira trip the electricity?

15 - Who are these people that call it an 'artefact'? And is it 'artifact or artefact'?

16 - "...Avery wanted his hands on...." You're telling not showing.

17 - "...Mira flew.." Powers? Does she have wings? Jumpboots like Starlord/Peter Quill in Guardians?

18 - Again the "...they were lighting a smoke..." The pronoun use here is VERY troubling as it causes a reader to stumble in that sentence. Mainly, because you use 'they' again to describe the security force in the chopper.

19 - So Catalina is shot in the forehead and is bulletproof. But the 2 characters decide to chat, with enough time for Catalina to consider a reply. So who shot them, with what and from where?

20 - So it turns out that Mira actually pocketed the orb. Would have been nice to have seen that. You took us to her dropping down to see it...tripping the shield and then she flew back up to Catalina. Missing some stuff in between.

21 - She connected to the Aegis network? How, with what? Are they dodging bullets while flying away? Did the chopper come back to give chase with reinforcements? Did backup arrive?

This reads more like an outline than a quick story. But could be very cool with some work on fluidity and fleshing out.

Thank you and write on.
Will


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Review of The Traveling Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm not sure what you're attempting here. Are you trying to exposit on a span of months or years? If that is your goal it is very clunky...tweak the fluidity...assuming you're writing a story and not an essay.

Paragraph 1 - You write formally in the first 2 sentences (my mother), then switch to casual speech (my daddy). You can breath more life into the character and even locale by picking one or the other. This will allow you give voice to that character.

Paragraph 2 - "...so, every day I looked...." You have 2 seperate times listed in this sentence....weekly and daily. Break it up.

For example "...I visited his grave weekly, even on the rainy Sundays when the rain exploded without warning as the mountains wreath of clouds was wont to do. I'd place my favorite photo of him on his headstone and stare through the tears. Forcing myself to see past the sweat-soaked creases and bends in the glossy paper created from sitting in my pocket for the summer. The folds in the photo making it more and more difficult to remember what he looked like. And my tears came hotter as they streaked down my cheeks. To this day I wonder if I cried more for missing him or more because I was coming to forget his face and only remember his essence. His fatherliness if you will. And I feared I would even forget that."

You mention your greatest worry (I read fear) and then jumped from daily to weekly actions in same sentence. Then mentioned years. And then months in last sentance. ALL in 1 paragraph.

Paragraph 3 - When does this take place. To whom is he/she speaking? Voice of the character is NOT clear.

Paragraph 4 - You can establish that locale and mountainfolk earlier and then when describing the poverty stricken town here you can delve more into the hoof tracks if people still used horses with or without buggies to get around. Most of it is fine until; "...Kepner' coal mine, while pointing..." Who's pointing? I'm guessing that it was a common action amongst the townsfolk to point down (or up) the end of Main Street when speaking of the primary/only employer in those parts. Neat tidbit...is that accurate that they owned the homes but he coal mine owned the land? Like a mobile home community. That's cool if true.

Paragraph 5 - The first 2 sentences of this paragraph were my favorite. This digs into the conflict for the character. Now the 3rd sentence...who is the seven of which they speak?

Thank you
Will


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Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The elf swung one of his axes Elvenfolk are usually on the more slender side and not overly tall. Axes are generally long handled and used for chopping wood. "His axes" indicates he is dual-wielding the weapons. I would expect a tighter description of the weapons. Are they hand axes? If they ARE in fact long handled axes then that should be indicated. It will give us a better sense of the individual. in the rips This is hard to imagine at first. I had to go back and re-read it. It took me out of the story. of one of the undead warriors. Quickly This may be more of a pet peeve but it was drilled in my head...avoid adverbs if you can. Use the other language in the scene to indicate the action. Short punchy words and sentences. he followed up by burying his second axe in its neck, taking its head clean off Feels like a cliche...those should be avoided as well.. He kicked the body away towards another undead who swatted the headless body away with its shield. Taking advantage of the opening the elf rushed in and with a twirl and a battle cry added another beheading to his count. As the body fell he quickly turned to his left, blocking a Warhammer strike by dropping to his knees and catching the shaft in the cross of his axes. A terrible roar left the undeads' mouth as he pulls at the hammer attempting to free it This could be a good spot to show us what type of zombie your antagonist is up against. They still have and use their weapons (which is not common IMO) but are they smart zombies? Would they pull to free the weapon or would they push down and try to overpower? Do they even realize their weapons is stopped? This could give us a hint of their summoner as well. The summoner being their primary protagonist.. The elf willed himself to stand firmhe's on his knees isn't he?, his tired arms struggling to to hold the hammer, and the fool creature holding Pretty much the same word too close together.it , in place He glanced behind, sweat nearly dripping either it does or it doesn'tin his eye He only has one?, and yelled ,'Beloved, I must insist that you hurry up. I cant protect you from this many undead for long.'

'I'm going as fast as I can !' Shouted his Orc companionI think this would be a better spot to describe the Orc's tone of voice., standing in front of the mechanism built into the door, sealing it. Flanked by two statues of warriors from a forgotten time. The Orc mages' usual rough low tone of voice had a panicked edge to it. His eyes dated from the opened book he held and the lock.' I need to get this right or this place will be our tomb.' The sealed door was their only why out of the mountain labyrinth now, the way they came in now Same word too close.cut off by the undead. The only hope they had to open it was to translate the language written on the lock itself. However the language was as old as the statues and his This would indicate we had jumped back into the head of the Elf but I thought we were still in the head of the Orc. Be careful of jumping like this. When using 3rd person Limited or Omniscient like this you have to be more distinctive regarding who's head we're in.lover needed time to decipher it .

Time ,however, I can see why this was done but it looks and feels incorrect having a comma after both words. I think you need to verify with someone more technical. was growing short. More and more undead were slowly entering the chamber and advancing upon them . Their rotten feet dragging across the concrete Maybe it's a sticking point but did they have concrete in this 'age'? I think that is more of a modern invention. They had stone flooring.floor. The undead were following the red path leading towards the door. They seemed to have enough intellect to avoid the large pools east and west, bottle necking the path in the middle of the room.

The labyrinth was used by a necromancer ,though according to the townsfolk he didn't built Watch your tenses. Hadn't built or didn't buildit. It was quite the convent convenientlocation to practice his infamous craft. It seems he also did some exploring as he had created a map of the area, which was found on his person after he was slayed{i}had been slayed or was slain. What he didn't had Tenses - didn't haveon him was the family heirloom he stole when his family disowned him due to his unholy hobby. The town constable wont send his men to search for it, insisting that they wait for the high churches' paladins to arrive and purify the area. Which was a three month wait. The family, apparently not being used to the word 'No', got impatient and petitioned the adventurers guild.This whole paragraph can use some tweaking regarding tenses and time. You start to describe how the labyrinth came to be AND you alluded to it being as old as time. Plus, the bit with the Lich and family heirloom indicate it is an old issue. However, you slide into a 3 month wait for the Paladins and they tasked the adventures guild, which reads as a recent doing. Is the creation of the labyrinth and the town's need to get rid of it new? Or was this done 100s of year ago and NOW they want to get rid of it?

The Elf arms were about to give, he had to act quickly. Dropping his axes, he dived out of of the hammers path downwardsDiving feels incorrect here as he was on his knees which would indicate he was leaning back keeping the warhammer from descending using his axes in a crossblock. He could struggle to get to his feet and spring our of the way or roll maybe. Plus, diving downwards doesn't track.. He grabbed the shaft and pulled the undead towards himGoing with diving downwards how could he then perform this action?. Greeting its ugly face with a elbow. he would have to spring backwards or in front of the zombie to do this.The undead, releasing the Warhammer, staggered back which allowed the elf to strike. The elf slammed the Warhammer on the side of the undead skull .He almost feelAlmost felt or could almost feel the bone breaking as the weapon makes it impact with a satisfying crunch.You could even drop that whole sentence and go with "The weapon impacted with a satisfying crunch." As the undead dropped, he threw the warhammer to another charging enemy. His aim ring Rangtrue and his target dropped as well but unlike the pervious combatant not permanently.

He dived for one of his axes.Did he drop BOTH of them? Grabbing one and using it to block a club striking down at his head. Then he slammed his left leg into its torso, sending it spiraling to the floor. Turning around he quickly ducked under a sword slash, punching the undead in the stomach before slamming the axe down on its head.

'Yes!' the Orc yelled in victory.

He elf He elf or just he?instinctively I don't believe this is a great word for here. A seasoned worrier would have had this 'instinct' trained out when he's in battle. If you need him distracted enough to get hit then another zombie could do it.glanced at the Orc. It was only for the shortest of moments. But it was enough. He suddenly felt sharp pain near his abdomen. He gasped in pain,Pain 2x too close. turning his head to see the the ugly face undead that had stabbed him. The elf gathered his strength a ANDheadbutted the zombie away. Only to turn into a shield, bashing him square in the face. As he fell to the floor the zombie warriors gathered around him, getting ready to bludgeon him to death with whatever weapons they had. Suddenly the chamber filled with sunlight Are these zombies repelled by sunlight?causing the undead to groan and shield themselves. They were then attacked by a barrage of fire balls.Is our guy fireproof?

'Back! Away you fool creatures'. The orc rushed to his side. Casting other Anotherfire ball barrage to take care of the undead nearest them. The elf looked down to see what had pieced his flesh. A small dagger sticking out of his side. Blood leaking down to his lower body. He felt the Orc's strong arms scooping him up in his arms he ran out the opened door into the wilderness. Outside, he was gently put down. The Orc stood in front the exit and begin his magical song.Magical Song? Odd choice. The elf watched ,as the near by vines Is the orc a druid too or just a Mage? Most wizards don't deal with natural magic like druids.grew long and thick, so much that they completely covered the exit. The door was sealed once again.. When it was done his beloved staggered back to him. 'I'm sorry,' he said, their foreheads touching, the elf looked into the orcs green eyes .He could see the guilt griping him like a vice.

'Now now, lovesome. None of that' said the elf. His voice shaky, his hand cupping the orcs face. 'We knew the job was dangerous. But I'm alive, your alive. I trust you still have the the item?'

' Hardly seems worth it now.' The orc produced the heirloom from his pack. A red ring with a diamond shaped in the form of the family symbol.' Now take the dagger out. Let me heal you'.

'Now hold on.' The elf protest. 'You need to rest, you just did some advance magic back there. I can wait a fe-' The lips of the orc silenced him. After a few seconds of bliss their lips parted and the orc said ' Please, I need to know you be you will bealright.'

'Ok lovesome' The elf yielded. 'But you rest after .Promise me' The orc shook Nodded. Shook usually indicates no.his head, accepting the terms.

The Elf with a groan, pulled the dagger out. Once again the air was filled with the Orcs loud chants. The plant life around him growing and wrapping him around in a healing cocoon. The two lovers stared in ateach other until the elf was completely covered. Safe in the sweet embrace of the cocoon.Did the cocoon wrap around both of them? Or just the elf to heal him?

Hi. Thank you for sharing your story. I like the ideas you've put forth. I noted most of the spots where there are word choices that could be altered. Plus, the grammar needs a lot of attention. I'm sorry if it feels I tore it to shreds. I have read A LOT of fantasy so I'm familiar with the world you're creating. I did not pick at certain fantasy elements because they do not coincide with what I am familiar with. I picked apart those elements because they were not given enough supporting information. For example the 2 axes the elf uses. You can make it work but if you're going to go AGAINST what is accepted lore then you need to back it up. I think it would be cool to have an elf use 2 axes but you should try to make it accurate. It's your world so make it how you see fit but make it 'believable' for the those you take on the ride with you.

I tried using the Review tool to post this. I have never used the Writing.com review tool before and I hope it makes sense.

Thank you again it was a pleasure to read it and I would love to read the polished revisions as you go along.

Thank you again
Will


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5
5
Review of Bar None  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi...thank you for the read. My disclaimer...remember ALL this is simply my opinion. Do with it what you will.

I will post a bit of your writing between dots (...) and then after the dash (-) I will post my thoughts.

The opening paragraph... - This is a rough opening. Feels clunky. Starts out as exposition but then turned into setting the scene. I think you should pick one. Or set the scene and then move into exposition. And then start the dialog.

...smoky streaks of color... - I like this phrase. It's great.

...so familiar, you couldn’t help but remember... - couldn't help remember what? Too loose for this early.

...Place always smelled the same, too. Like piss and beer... - Still smelled like piss and old beer.

...with a rag in his hands, polishing a glass... - Polishing a smudged glass with the same dirty rag.

...polishing a glass. Or leaning over... - ??? Or leaning over? What does OR reference?

...Once in a while he’d flash a grin, but these were rare occasions... - Occasionally, he'd flash a grin.

...occasions; little... - Semi-colon not necessary. Simple comma will work.

...His eyes followed me as I approached the bar. All the while his hands worked, polishing the glass to a fine sheen. It was a small wonder, how often he cleaned, and how dingy the place was. But it wasn’t that bad, really. It was the kind of dinge you wouldn’t mind calling home... - It’s difficult to properly put to page when a person is thinking and when its scene setting. Maybe try italics when it’s the individual thinking. There’s a new show called You where one of the main characters does this ‘thought narration’ to the viewer between speaking…internal monologuing. Is that what you're trying to go for here?

...“Don’t remember what it is, to tell you the truth.”... - This is a neat bit of character definition. You can flesh this out more. Here would be a good spot to show some emotion of the character. Is he scared that he doesn’t remember or happy and if so why happy. You have earlier spots where you post about his thoughts/scene settings but missed a phenomenal opportunity here.

...up at it, but couldn’t... - Comma not necessary here. Single sentence is fine.

...couldn’t make out the words or logo... - Why not? Didn’t read the language? Or they were hazy like trying to read through a sheet of water? Why not the logo? Logos are usually shapes or designs. He could probably make it out but not know what it meant. This is a good spot to clarify and ratchet up the suspense.

...He already knew. He always knew. But he liked to ask anyway. It was part of the act. For all his stoicism, the guy was big on theatre. Maybe there was something about going through the motions, some necessary component of putting the experience to words, that made the process more real for him... - Okay…this paragraph I think finally made it click for me what is wrong with this piece. Almost everything here is telling not showing. You’re TELLING me that he is theatrically stoic. You showed a little bit earlier with his occasional grins. Plus, you give 2 separate reasons for why he is tending that bar. Is he a gatekeeper for whatever portal exists there and his job is to reorient travelers through the portal? Or is he psychic vampire of sorts that feeds on the issues or lives vicariously because he can’t travel. The 2 concepts you posited here war with each other.

...were speculation, when you... - Comma not necessary here.

...rubbing my chin. “That was her... - I love dialog tags. “rubbing my chin’ is a good one and can SHOW emotion rather than be told. However, I get the impression that if he’s trying to remember…then most people would rub their temples or the back of their neck.

...glanced at a cigarette still... - Where did the cigarette come from? You mention that it is STILL smoldering, but it can’t STILL be there if it was never put there to begin with.

...killed the bees again. Always goes to hell... - Killed the bees…I found this phrase funny as it is so absurdly disturbing. 😊

...more about it, if you want... - I expect something more here…like a longer pause before ‘if you want to.’. Could add some more depth to the bartender as well. He could be doctorly or menacing.

...you mind if I got a pack of smokes... - Is he going to go grab them or is he asking the bartender to grab them? Phrasing is off here.

...I glanced around the bar. Slow night, considering. Only a handful of solitary figures warming the stools. A few of the booths were occupied on the far side- two couples and a party of four. One of the couples was holding hands, not saying much-- just staring at each other intently. It was a lovely sight, to tell you the truth. The other pair was getting s***canned. Their raucous laughter pierced the otherwise quiet bar. You could expect to see a broad range of reactions here, when people were lucky enough to bump into a loved one... - You can tighten up the writing here as this paragraph is a mixture of description and exposition and not a good way. This paragraph could be part of the opening scene layout. It may or may not be necessary to explain a quick bit about the party of 4. You mention them and the 2 couples but only give explanation/description regarding the 2 couples.

...Slow night, considering... - Considering what?

....holding hands, not saying much-- just staring at each other intently... - You can do better here.

...It was a lovely sight, to tell you the truth... - If you want to move this to internal monologuing then we’ll need more as to WHY it’s a lovely sight.

...getting s***canned... - Getting s***canned usually refers to getting fired from a job.

...Their raucous laughter pierced the otherwise quiet bar... - I would think this would have been one of the first things noticed when he ‘returned to the bar’ as it stands out.

...You could expect to see a broad range of reactions here, when people were lucky enough to bump into a loved one... - I have ZERO idea what this is supposed to mean, and it has no place in the story so far.

...It’d been a while since I’d seen anyone I knew, though. Not for the last ten turns or so. Ah well. What could you do? Wires got crossed... - This is missing SOOO much. This is not a well-done tease. And it comes out of nowhere.

...But as it happened, there was a familiar face here tonight after all. I caught him out of the corner of my eye, over by the pool table. His partner was lining up a shot, intent on the game. But this guy was just leaning on his cue, looking straight at me... - It feels like you mention a couple of times that he sees no one he knows. Then suddenly, he does? I don’t buy it. You could have the guy on the pool cue watching him as soon as he lands but our main person doesn’t recognize him but watches pool cue guy watch him. Then as he’s been there awhile it can seep back into his brain about who it is.

...Amber liquid, poured near to the brim. Rocks... - Unlikely, ANY bartender would provide a whiskey on the rocks filled near to the brim. 2 fingers worth usually, MAYBE 3 on the high end.

...Rye whiskey... - I love Rye Whiskey. 😊 Anyway…this would be a great spot to set time or location so the reader could try to relate to the story. There are different kinds of whiskey made and preferred in different parts of the world.

...tipped it back. Before I set it down... - He didn’t remember what his ‘usual’ was and it turns out to be Rye. There should be some reaction to this by the character. Use ALL The senses. He smelled it…what did it smell like? Does it smell like cheap whiskey or higher end stuff? What does it taste like? If he didn’t remember what his usual was does the taste trigger a memory or make him remember why it’s his usual? Does he fall in love with whiskey again? Did his most recent trip change him some way where he now can’t stand the taste?

...the carton... - Carton of smokes or a pack. 2 entirely different things.

...a little less lonely.” I took a breath. “She grew... - You could have him opening the pack of smokes here. Is it a soft pack or hard pack of smokes? Most people would pack a hard pack of smokes. Smacking the top of the unopened pack against the flat of their palm a few times to tamp the tobacco in the barrel. Allows for a denser packing of the tobacco so the burn is stronger. Plus, he could hesitate opening the pack or pulling the cellophane wrapper while he recounts the tale. It seems a little sad. And the pack can give him something to do with his hands.

...tugged a cigarette... - I mentioned opening the pack in the previous paragraph because it’s already opened here.

...“Coulda done without him being here tonight,” I said. “Sometimes I wonder if you arrange these sorts of things on purpose. Then I wonder what you’d get outta something like that.”... - This is somewhat accusatory which is great…ratchets up the story. But SDHOW US. What does he do with his eyes? Can he break the bartender's stoicism?

...“So why is him being here one of those things that needs to happen?” I took a drag, exhaled. “He’s a monster, you know. Seems like he revels in it, when s*** falls apart.”... - Nice. One of the more realistic bites of dialog so far.

...uneasy feeling in my gut-- part hate, part fear... - I want more here. Is he scared? Just uneasy? Angry? Show us more.

...as implicitly as we knew how to breathe... - You don’t know how to breath implicitly. You know instinctually. Implicitly means more like subtly or covertly.

...Push that boulder up the hill, watch it roll on down... - Best line in the story.

I hope some of this helps.
6
6
Review of High Violet  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi...Overall I enjoyed your story. Sounds like a great start of a fuller piece.

I will post a bite of your story so you can see where I'm at and then I'll post my comment on that bite.

Remember...this is ALL my opinion so do with it what you will. :)

*******************************
...somber range of navy and maroon, cobalt and pewter. But everything is clear and crisp this morning... - You’re describing muted colors but then say crisp. Doesn’t work. The air can be crisp or a chill in the air can make it crisp. Too cluttered/clunky.


...thack... - I think you mean thwack.


...maul... - A maul is a more like a hammer. Not an axe. How do you split wood with a maul? Now if there's a wedge of metal that is placed in the stove length and then THAT is hit with the maul it might split the wood.

...and the thud of split logs tumbling into the pile... - the thud of logs tumbling into their respective piles. It has been my experience that a split log will tumble into 2 piles...not one.

...the rain, the morning is fairly warm... - Again...this is opposite of crisp. Verify your setting and stick with it.

...Delicate rivulets trace paths down... - Rivulets of what? Rain water? Sweat? Blood? It's not clear.

...soles of his feet are caked... - Why would we see the soles of his feet? his feet in general and up around his ankles maybe...but why the soles?

...in the satisfaction of a blow well-struck, and the chaotic metronome of raindrops on the shed’s tin roof. There is an energetic soul today, a dreaming one, which promises a kind of urgency... - This plays well with the drabness of the setting placed earlier…however, metronomic sounds would never be confused with ‘energetic’.

...energetic soul today, a dreaming one, which promises a kind of urgency, a purpose. But it is also a melancholy soul... - Energetic, urgency – melancholy…if you’re attempting to project warring factions of emotions, then you’re not doing it well. This is too clunky IF that is what you’re going for.

...also a melancholy soul... - And then you’re back to confusion. Vitality metronome energetic urgency melancholy...in the same paragraph there is confusion. Which emotion or feeling are you trying to describe?

...a kettle on the stove and boils some water for tea. There is only one room in the cabin, a spacious, airy room containing a cot, a fireplace, a stove... - Stove immediately brings to mind a kitchen in a home but it’s only a 1 room cabin. Is it a woodstove which would seem overly luxurious for a 1 room cabin that also has a fireplace and doesn’t fit in with a hermit. The fireplace would have implements and maybe a device that allows a kettle and pot to hang and cook.

...ruined parts of the world, where such things as books remain... - Clunky.

...It is funny that he still thinks of these regions as ruins. Never has he seen beauty that compares to the gradual reclamation of towns and highways by vines and grass, trees and water... - Does he think of them as ruins? I like his view of beauty in nature’s reclamation. Plus…vines and grass, trees and water is too clunky. 3 is usually the limit even though you are 'listing' only 2...it still reads as 4.

...These places are not ruined, he thinks. They are liberated... - Nice view into his psyche.

...The kettle whistles. He rouses himself from his cot... - When did he sit on his cot?

...storms. He loves the hush they bring to the world... - This is nice. Expound on the hush part. Great spot.

...they disseminate in the wind- an unintelligible cypher promising great knowledge, if only it can be understood... - It might be because I do NOT understand storms like you’ve intimated in this paragraph…but this phrasing is clunky and feels like you’re going for deep by just throwing words together and it falls flat.

...singing on rainy weekend afternoons... - You go from Storms to rainy afternoons. 2 completely different echoes of memory. Stick with 1.

...played make-believe games... - reads redundant.

...The sounds. The smells. The feeling of being home. Still so clear. But his mother and sister are gone now. And so is that house, and the peace and order it once contained. Its echoes can still be heard, however, particularly on afternoons such as this... - "The sounds, the smells, the feeling of … home." You’re going for soft emotions here…. work the words and phrasing to be smooth…too many hard consonants.

...sencha and the kyusu, and prepares the tea... - Don't know what this/these are? 2 different herbs?

...shadow flickers past the windowpane over the washbasin... - How is a shadow cast when its' drab and rainy outside? Plus, there was no mention of windows or washbasin in the original description of the cabin.

...she stands on the mat... - She was already on the mat...redundant.

...the kitchenware, the mementos of his travels - His traveling mementos include kitchenware?

...the mat on the other end of the table... - So no chairs only tatamis...interesting. Would have lent well to the setting and give an overall concept of the time period if this had been placed in the original cabin description.

...own will. Other... - What is 'Other' here?

...of the downpour. The storm’s strength is undiminished... - You’ve mentioned storm a couple of times now. In my mind (the reader) storm indicates thunderstorm. A steady or heavy rain or downpour is something else entirely. And come to think of it…if it is raining so heavily then why was he chopping wood? Wouldn’t it be better to chop wood on a not rainy day?

...“I did not imagine it was.” He returns her smile with one of his own. “A joke,” he explains... - Nice. Well done bite of dialog.

...She folds her hands on the table. Long, silver fingers... - This could be combined into 1 sentence. 'She folds her long slender fingered hands on the table.' or 'She folds her long silver fingers on the table.'

...from the storm’s ambience. Plump clouds shift and churn in the sky... - Storm’s ambiance is ok….but we’re focused inside…not outside so the cloud bit doesn’t fit. Maybe something with firelight.

...He is met with twin amethysts, unfathomable depths... - He is met with twin purple pools of unfathomable depths.

...mountains of his homeland, the river gorge of the Columbia, or the spires of her people... - His homeland…. there is a river Columbia in his homeland too? Spires of who’s people? The River Columbia? Or the Transcendant?

***********************************

Thank you for the read. I'll reiterate here that with some polishing this is a great opening to a larger piece.

Thank you
Will
7
7
Review of Haunted Requiem  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I see you made some updates and this review was from the posting you had here a couple of days ago. I hope you still find some bits that assist from this review.
******************************************
DISCLAIMER – THIS IS ALL MY PERSONAL OPINION. DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL.

Whether this is a suicide story or a story of 2 lovers reuniting in death you have some strong imagery working here.

There were times when I 'get' what you were attempting to say, but it still fell flat. Some of that is verbiage but mostly is due to lack of fluidity throughout the piece. I kept having to stop and reread just to make sure of what I read.

A lot of inconsistencies throughout the piece. He waffles from determined to a crying jag too quickly in this short piece. He's either on the downside or upside of grief. If needed have him go through the stages of grief for his lost love.

I'm going to mention some specific spots where I believe you can make it better.

Okay...here goes

"Elisha's spirit graces..." should be the opening sentence. It has impact and opens questions. 'Spirit' - Is this a ghost story or does she not play like she used to? - Great opener.

"A sweetly mournful..." should not be first. MAYBE second. Oh, and remove adverbs. Use them sparingly. Sweetly mournful, while a nice oxymoron, detracts from the fluidity. Plus, Sweet mournful flows better.

"...keys, and only the vibrations...' vibrations doesn't make sense here. Spellcasting with tinctures and concoctions is on the reagents. If this is another type of -mancy it should have more explanation. Even just expand on 'vibrations of what...'.

'Only stealth, magics of hiding...' Great line. Except the last bit '...given her any hope of failure...' That is not clear at all. If she cannot hear and his magic is lost due to hers, how does he KNOW what her hope is? Isn't it more HIS reward? Overall, the paragraph is very clunky.

'...sweet ripples of joy...' - Here is where I start thinking she committed suicide and now he's thinking of joining her. I like this whole sentence except for the colon.

'....notes like waves...' - Should swamp life waves and rise and fall. If he's still in his dark closet that mutes sound, how can he hear this? And how does her music smell?

'...hands, the orange mixture...' - Is it a mixture of actual oranges? Or is it just colored orange? And if real orange what caused it to turn to cinnamon? Something else in the concoction? If it's cinnamon colored than expound on that. Use all the senses. Does it smell? Does it burn the eyes? Does it turn thick and viscous? Stirring forks - HUH?

'...look down in disgust...' - In what is he indulging? Maybe indulgence is a bad WC (Word Choice).

'...and end my Operation...' - Shouldn't be (CAPS) capitalized and bad WC due to the imagery currently in place.

'...the Recipe...' - CAPS

'...the Corpsebound Spellmaster..." - Comes out of nowhere with ZERO context. This could be used to flesh out the story...maybe she didn't commit suicide...is this what killed Elisha?

'...against the Text...' - CAPS

'...dancing, Elisha and...' - Should be Elisha and I. Is it supposed to he stopped making his concoction and started to dance around 'his closet' imagining her in his arms again?

'...all their tomfoolery...' - WC. Whose tomfoolery for 1 and for 2...bad WC or maybe just lack of context.


'...ring of celery powder at...' - WC. Celery powder completely destroyed the imagery for me.

'...of my determination...' - Turning point. Emphasize this. Flesh it out. THIS is a story point.

...as one standing...' - Didn't he have a turning point in the VERY LAST paragraph? And now he's back to how he was the paragraph previous. This paragraph would be better served if it were earlier.

'...inner light...' - Inner light of WHAT? And again, in the same sentence - around the edges of WHAT? And next paragraph - base of WHAT?

'...beauty of Elisha’s elegy...' - WC. Stay with the music theme...elegy is out of place unless you elaborate more on her poetry.

'...the energy drains...' - drains is a bad WC so is goo...destroys the imagery.

'...barrier fizz against...' - Bad WC with fizz.

'..destroyed it or only...' - Destroyed or weakened WHAT? WC and CAPS on Operation on same paragraph.

'...keys never moved...' - Great spot to show how is loss has affected everything over the past 13 months since Elisha's death. This only touched on it.

'...same as the flesh...' - What? The rest of this paragraph is a great spot to show more of his love and loss. This could actually start the story with this paragraph with added depth.

'...from the windows for envy...' - Bad WC of windows. Doesn’t' make any sense.

'...music fell back...' from that phrase to '...rattling like a...' to that. Bad transition...very clunky.

'...lit up the inner light...' - of what?

'...her nobility...' - not a great WC

'...of my paltry celery circle...' - didn't he leave the room already and wasn't that in the room?


There is more of this throughout the last bit.

This is a neat rough draft dealing with loss and aftermath. More depth and consistency would do wonders.

Thank you and write on!!!
8
8
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
DISCLAIMER – THIS IS ALL MY PERSONAL OPINION. DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL.

Overall you have a great outline for a story here. With a large amount of fleshing out it could be a very entertaining read. Great first draft.

What the story is missing is flavor…setting…and characterization.

There is no flavor? How does Isaac feel when Lagrima falls over dead? Does he realize what has happened?

There is a no setting save a forest.

The 2 people in the story are flat and one dimensional.

Technically, it is fairly well written.

Thank you for sharing, good luck, and Write On!!!
9
9
Review of Who Am I  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
DISCLAIMER – THIS IS ALL MY PERSONAL OPINION. DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL.

“…mechanical motors and wheels whirring. It almost sounds like an electrical can opener…” – feels redundant – you can lose the wheels whirring. Lose almost too, I believe that is too passive.

“…One of the best advice…” – word missing “one of the best ‘pieces of’ advice.

“…the mirrored windows of Central…” – this reads as if we should have known this information already and I do not believe we did.

“…Radios squacking…” – do you mean squawking?

“…Each key on the ring is different…” – DUH

“…rounds should onlt take…” – oops

“…Too loud…” – out of place. Plus it includes a Tonal change with an active concept in the head of the main character rather than the exposition we’ve been experiencing thus far.

“…I am hated, feared, watched. I am authority…” – Nice line.

Overall – this is a very expositional piece. More of a journal entry rather than a short story. It has a strong ring of reality to it which is great, especially if it is a work of fiction.

If this is strictly information that you guess and made up and researched then I applaud your effort because you passed on the information, through exposition, without it sounding textual and like a grocery list.

Thank you for sharing, good luck, and Write On!!!
10
10
Review of Scarlet Bandit  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
DISCLAIMER – ALL OF THIS IS STRICTLY MY OPINION – DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL

“…'Hawk was still running…” – don’t know what a ‘Hawk is…I can guess it is a vehicle of some type but this does not paint a strong picture. That is really bad considering this is the opening paragraph

“…all in one whack…” – whack really seems unnecessary here

The opening seems to give us more questions then show us anything important. There is very little setting and no taste of where we are or what type of world we are supposed to care about.

Dialogue seems strong but you fail to bring across the western flavor in any consistent manner. I the characters that speak in only bits and spurts. It is well written just doesn’t have the flavor I’m expecting with the action.

Oh look…it’s a Robin Hood type of thing. Pretty cool.

“…fired up her Firehawk…” – sounds clunky

“…Absentmidedly, he reached up…” – avoid adverbs if you can…plus it is spelled wrong…it should be absentmindedly. There are stronger ways to describe the action.

The flashback was the worst part of the story I have come across yet. It is choppy and blah. It is a traumatic scene and we need to feel traumatized. We don’t. Play with the setting; let us taste the sand swirling around the ground. Show us daddy’s fear at being double-dicked. Let us smell the gunpowder. Does she trip on her way into the forest? Is her mother there? Do they kill her too? If she didn’t freeze at her fathers death like a normal 6 year old…why not? Too many questions abound in this scene.

“…snapping to awakeness…” – crappy phrasing and awakeness isn’t even a word, technically. Did she bolt upright because she had the dream or because the dream scared her or because she doesn’t want to remember it or because she can’t remember all of it? Does she like having the dream? Why did she bolt upright????

“…"Get outta there, you stupid dream..." she grumbled…” – I like this line. Cute and funny. Keep her tone and voice consistent.

“…in the City Elders…” – doesn’t make sense. Is the City Elders a company or a group of people in which Ashlyn would be a minor player FOR not in??? - Plus in this paragraph there is a blantant POV shift from Misty to the Narrator. Break that up into separate thought processes.

“…Misty grinningly…” – crappy phrasing

“…sighed resignedly…” – crappy phrasing again plus avoid adverbs as they make for crappy phrasing. Plus have you ever listened to that word ‘resignedly’ out loud? It just plain rolls off the tongue bad

“…inflicted with a bad case of dead…” – nice line…great voice.

The whole scene between Garoman and Feroux is clunky and does not flow very well. Take this line for example “…She's stolen from my pocket. Multiple times…” – very clunky. I would expect something along these lines –

Garoman eyed the bounty hunter. “Yes. I want her dead.” He clipped each word leaving no doubt to his meaning. “She has taken too much from me.”

Some of the dialogue in this scene feels common and cliché – “…figured, for a special problem, hire special help…” – as an example

Plus, I do not see why he would explain about the eco crystals to Feroux. That is unnecessary information. Most hired help of that type are kept on a need to know basis. And if Feroux doesn’t like to kill then why is he a bounty hunter? I know you are supposed to create conflict but this is a generic conflict that has been done to death.

The scene where Feroux catches Misty feels like you wrote it in a rush and then did nothing with it. It feels too basic, not to mention common. Maybe that is what you’re going for…if so then you have succeeded.

“…Dpending on your answers…” – watch your spelling. This is something that a spellchecker would have picked up.

You don’t make clear in (maybe yet) why Feroux will assist her. Plus, now Ashlyn is in Garoman’s pocket…???!!!

I like the details that you have put into the story with all different types of weapons. Plus, you explained some of them. They could even be real weapons or not…I don’t know and that is the way it should be. But you couldn’t take the time to define a Firehawk? I’m guessing it is a type of motorcycle. We shouldn’t have to guess what that is IMHO, unless not knowing what it is increases some mystery or plot line.

Overall I ended up caring only a little bit for Misty…not enough to want to read more. You have a strong basis for a story and this reads like a first draft…which is good because that means you can have fun revising and tightening up the story. Are you going to continue the story?

Thanks and write on!
11
11
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
DISCLAIMER – ALL OF THIS IS STRICTLY MY OPINION – DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL

“…train I should have been on leave the station…” – While commas are not my strong suit I believe there should be one in here somewhere.

“…deserted platform which confirmed that I was indeed the only person here…” – This feels redundant

“…just have to sit and wait…” – you put her thoughts in quotes here but not where she says “…Great! There wouldn’t be another…”

2nd paragraph contains a load of adverbs…gradually, suddenly, stylishly. Avoid adverbs if you can. Not easy and not always possible.

“…could be seen…” – is very passive voice and repetitive

“…corners and doorways of the vast…” – I can see the corners being consumed by the darkness but I don’t see the doorways

“…rather too sharply…” – passive and adverb – you want the suspense in this to ratchet up and up and up. Sharper more punchy sentences are needed. Good play with the shadows and setting but the verbiage needs some touching up IMHO

“…voice was rich and made me think of black coffee…” – redundant…great line without the rich part

“…suddenly fumbled in my…” – adverb…really out of place one. Fumbled is a great verb here. Plus, “…hands, right in front of my face…” – is really odd image. I get it but I expect him to move slow and deliberate…subtle like a conman or an illusionist…they force you to look at one hand and ignore the other one…meanwhile the other one is doing something that you don’t see because you’re focused on the one in front of your face or up higher. Does that make any sense?

“…marble miraculously lodged…” – adverb very out of place…doesn’t make sense

The reference to both of them being called Ice is rather repetitive and boring. Plus “Ice Eyes” just sounds not creepy enough.

I did like how you led the reader to believe that it was some sort of drug deal or so with this line “…They were both looking at me. I must be posing some sort of a problem…” – Nicely done.

“…Fear, spiraled uncontrollably through my bones, weak and watery-legged, my reactions were sluggish…” – there is too much going on in this sentence. I suggest breaking it up.

“…dragging suitcases with wheels affixed, trundled…” – great idea to shatter the tension here. Well placed.

Neat how she got away. I will say that I was disappointed with the headline on the paper. Not the concept mind you…just the language used. Doesn’t feel punchy enough.

Overall I would say I like the story. Too many adverbs and too many places where passive voice destroyed the tension that is attempted.

Thanks and write on!
12
12
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
DISCLAIMER – ALL OF THIS IS STRICTLY MY OPINION – DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL

“…blisteringly hot again…” – Try to avoid adverbs whenever possible.

“…met by cloud…” – met by A cloud????

“…“What are you doing?”…” – It is difficult to discern who is speaking here. I’m guessing it is Elaine but it could be made more clear.

Cave house…that’s funny.

“…answered gruffly…” – again with adverbs. I believe it is better to use actions to depict tone of voice etc in tag lines. Here he could grit his teeth or sigh in exasperation or narrow his eyes. Just possibilities. – “…“Lets get inside, “ Elaine said through gritted teeth, “It’ll be cooler.” …” exactly what I’m talking about. That is perfect. :o)

Overall I liked the story…one of the better written items I’ve come across on this site.

Pace was strong and the voice was consistent too.

Thank you for sharing and write on!

Good luck in the contest.
13
13
Review of Preternatural  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Disclaimer - This is all my opinion - Do with it what you will!

I dislike the assumption made in the opening sentence. Poor taste to insult your reader, especially at the outset of the story. If that is the hook for the type of character that is speaking then maybe it will work for those who stay with the story. The tone of the story starts out haughty and pretentious...again maybe that will work if that is your intent. Otherwise it is a major turnoff.

"...friends who I went to the taverns and..." - This is a very clunky sentence. It reads as if the narrator is trying to sound educated but only comes across as ignorant. The structure of the sentence is jagged and lacks fluidity.

"...In Uruk, For the..." - Watch your capitalization and punctuation (In - should be in) plus, I'm guessing should be a period and not a comma after Uruk.

"...wandered the streets, compared to..." - Should be two different sentences.

"...Uruk was exotic, new smells and sights..." - This would be a good spot to show and not tell. Let us taste the new smells and see the new sights as he did. You can show examples.

"Ziggurat" - I guess I'm the ignorant one for not knowing what the hell a Ziggurat is???? I think that should be explained. It can be explained in context, not just definition. It made an impression on the character...we should know why.

"Why does he sit staring at the farmlands outside the city. Had he never seen them before?

"...quickly set myself up..." - This is used 2x in the same paragraph. Combine or change.

"...was a average..." - a should be an. Two different statements about the wind; pick one. "...said, a average..." Again it should be an. When ever a word follows 'a' if it starts with a consonant you use 'a'...if the word starts with vowel you use 'an'. Example (a dog) (a hotel) (an average literary example). You try to incorporate the setting here which is great but it is jumbled. Moist, humid locations with buzzing insects can lead to exposed skin...open invitations. You can really add to the suspense of the story here.

"...down a empty street..." - an empty street - "...down a alleyway..." - an alleyway. I will stop pointing these out now. I'm sure you can find the rest unless they have been pointed out to you by someone else already.

"...of course being the valiant and helpful soul I was hurried to her..." - should be a comma between 'course and being' plus 'between was and hurried'.

The next paragraph pulls me from the story completely. He reverts from telling his story to explaining something. Him saying something about 'Books & Movies' withdraws the reader from the moment. Plus, you use 'forcefully' at the end of the sentence and it falls flat. It dies. Avoid adverbs if you can and be wary of where you place them.

I don't like doing this but it would be easier (for me) to show you what I mean rather than tell you. Here is what I mean. First I'll put what you wrote and then I'll put what I am looking for...

"The kiss is painful, your whole being fights against it and your blood burns as it is being drawn out of you forcefully."

"The kiss is painful. There is no bliss involved...no swooning...no 'Oh Yes I'm yours'. None of that. The fangs pierce deep into your artery and with vengeful force your blood is drawn from your body. Burning and searing. You have no control."

That is an example. The rest of the paragraph, you jump tenses "...fought then the hardest..." "...scrabbling over rock hard..." You use words out of context "deflected".

I did like the connection part. That was decent. Nice play on her being a mindless wraith. I also liked that when he did pull his dagger he ended up with blood in his mouth which caused him to turn. That was a nice touch too. The only issue I have with that part is I think there should be more of inhuman strength or something that enabled him to actually stab her in the neck. If hitting her skin was like punching a marble post how did his dagger break through her skin? You can play on a plot twist that makes that possible.

"...revitalized me slightly..." - That portion of the phrase seems ill-proportioned. Revitalize denotes a "healthy regeneration" but only slightly????

This may be harsh to say but this sentence "...wane and waxing of the flow of blood in my mouth was like the ebb and flow of the tides of a river..." BLAH BLAH BLAH. It is too conflicting...waning and waxing and ebb and flow in the same phrase. I get the imagery you were going for but it is toooooo much. You can do better.

Overall that paragraph has some nice imagery to it. The tables turned on her...but maybe she wanted it to happen; hey, a plot twist for him is being able to stab her AND since it is not clear that she died she can be even more pissed off at him and come looking for him at a later date. Hey look...book 2 premise is already set. :o)

"...had been too weak to make it to her shelter and surely perished..." - It's obvious but nice that you left this for an opening for her return or a sequel.

"...as my body died around my soul..." Nice phrase...my favorite so far. Nice touch on how each of the senses died. Almost like growing old in matter of minutes.

"...in the beds, Men, women..." These should be 2 separate clauses.

"...as the one whom I stole immortality from..." - Do not end sentences with prepositions.

"...heard or smelled the priests coming..." My question would be how did he not realize that the priest's cell was empty? If he is losing something, senses or humanity or whatever the case may be...then this needs to be shown as this is another major change the character is going through. You gloss over so much of it in this telling.

"...instinctively knew the sun..." - What can I say but DUH!!!!??? This should be something covered early on. If the character, in his original time frame, did not know what vampires were then he would have to learn everything the hard way...Kind of like how he learned what he needed to eat to survive. This phrase about the sun has no place at this point in time of the vampirish learning phase of the character.

"...itching sensation as if I had worked..." - I don't get this simile. If you were trying to find a simile with the sun to describe his pain at being in the sun I think you should just describe the pain itself. "...a deep red, puss filled bubbles..." - Break up into 2 separate clauses.

Interesting twist on the ability of the sun and light in general gets stronger the older he gets. Common accepted legend is just the opposite. Plus, artificial light should have no effect as it is not natural light. That is the whole concept of vampires in a nutshell...they are unnatural creatures, the undead; ergo they are affected negatively by natural sources such as sun light; wooden stakes; silver etc.

Overall - There were a few things I like about your story. It is a great base and you have a couple neat ideas, but this particular story needs a LOT of editing and revising. That's the beauty and pain of rewrites.

Good luck and write on.
14
14
Review of Autumn  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Disclaimer - This is all my opinion - Do with it what you will!


"...feelings for her had grown and changed..." - Had grown should be grew. You changed

tenses in that sentence.

"...simple crush to and almost over powering longing..." - And should be an.

Overpowering should be one word.

"...honked lazily next to us, an ugly sound..." - My personal adage is 'Avoid Adverbs

whenever possible'. And

"...with and itching almost burning..." - and should be an.

"...heart felt leaden, to have her say..." - this is the phrase where the story (it)

fell away for me. This is where the writing fell flat and became clunky and jangling in

my head. Maybe that was the intention with the turn the story took.

"...passed with a slowness that can’t be described..." - Don't say it can't be

described and then try to describe it.

"...windows at the leaf strewn grounds..." - Remove the. You have windows, which

implies not only more than one but a collective as in they all blurred together. Keep

that sense consistent.

"...slowly a powder blue..." - Should be 'slowly, a powder'.

"...usually fluttering dark..." - Avoid adverbs.

"...hidden under a black beret and sunglasses over her beautiful eyes..." - Clunky!

Maybe split into two sentences. Needs work.

"...but I didn’t care I had to find her..." - Should be 'didn't care, I had to'.

"I pushed open the double doors leading outside, it was overcast the dark clouds

promised rain." - Paragraph prior he was already outside then here he goes outside.

Plus, there should be a comma between overcast and the. Or they can be broken into 2

separate clauses.

"...knees drawn up to her chest, hands clenching at each other, hugging her knees to

her chest." - Redundant

"...around which was flaking and oddly drew my gaze more rather..." Very clunky

phrasing. You use the word almost way too much. Make a commitment. This is your

story.

"These were small and almost perfectly round, I knew how these had got there." – Read

this sentence out loud. Sounds very ignorant which is out of character for the

character.

"...deep kisses arms draped around..." - Should be 'kisses, arms'

"...pictures of animals and impressive landscapes..." - Sounds like a hotel room and

pictures like that are used as filler for walls in hotels. This sentence sounds like

fillers as well.

"...lost virginity to..." - Should be 'lost my virginity'.

"..she’d given up me?" - took me 3 times to read this before it made sense.

There were a lot of places where the language and syntax need tightening. You have a

superb base for a story here. Even if most of it is auto-biographical you could tweak

it into a beautiful piece of writing.

On another note I did notice a LOT of similarities between your writing and mine. Take

a look at my story Seasons Change, the first part, Winter, and maybe you'll see what I

mean.

Overall I enjoyed it and not just because of the similarities.
15
15
Review of Late Night Snack  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Disclaimer - This is all my opinion - Do with it what you will!

David's a prick and got what he deserved.

Got it pretty good too. THat was funny when his shoe disappeared into the TV. "holy

crap".

Totally didn't expect that. Well done.

I think I like the fact that Jen didn't recognize him dead on the table in TV Land.

Bravo and thank you.
16
16
Review of Hunter of Souls  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
Disclaimer - This is all my opinion - Do with it what you will.

"...flashed brightly in his eye...." doesn't read right...reads like something hit him in his eye. Maybe out of the corner of his eye???

"...out of his vehicle..." Why would he run into the side of an oncoming truck? If this is supposed to be an oncoming truck crushed him between the side of his car and the front end of his truck, then please make that clear.

Plus, all of the first 3 paragraphs are told to us not shown. We're told he runs into a truck. Show us with the screeching of the trucks tires, the scream of pedestrians, the taste of asphalt as Michael is ground face first beneath the tires of the truck.

There are 5 senses and a collision like this can touch on all of them and liven up the scene. They can be fun.

The panic he feels at the thought of hitting a child or a pet can come about with the coppery taste of fear in his mouth maybe because he bites his tongue or something.

SHOW US.

"Flames playingly..." that is a crappy phrase. Playfully maybe but not playingly. Too many soft syllables. "...his eyes like flint Venator..." should be a comma after
Flint. Plus the two concepts of flinty eyes and flaming fingers don't work together that in the same sentence. Break them up.

"...eyes were haunted..." TOOOOOOOO many images and too run on of a sentence. If
Michael is aware of where he is show us his shock and his revelation that he is in hell. Don't tell us he is in hell let Michael figure it out and show us.

Why is "...did a christian..." in quotes? Is this Michael's thought? If it is we don't know that.

Now we have a hunter??? I thought Venator was the hunter.

"Michael couldn't place a finger on what was wrong? He's in hell...that's what's wrong. Bad phrasing. That can be done better.

The demon wouldn't describe "...hot, hellish place..." with negative connotations.

Unearthly is too close together.

The description of the demon should have been done when he was first introduced earlier.

I don't think hiding is going to help him.

Plus, Michael is awfully sentient too quickly for what happened. If he is such a caring individual (which you tried to play him out to be) I would suspect he would still be concerned with the child or pet he hit. That should be his first thought as he awakens. Or maybe is just as selfish and self-centered as the rest of us mere mortals and only worried about his own survival.

This is definitely a work in progress and I hope I gave you some useful ideas.
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Review of Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Disclaimer - This is all my opinion - Do with it what you will!

The phrase about her hair "...looked good enough when she had finished..." should be

switched around. It's clunky as currently phrased. As an example - 'when she had

finished it looked good enough for a night on the town.'

Why did she brush her hair and then get into the shower? Makes no sense.

Nice touch on the packing of the smokes. A touch of reality brushing off the stray bits of tabacco.

There are lots of different ways this could go. It could go physical or biblical or psychological. Interesting opening. The letter actually seems a bit TOO cryptic especially when it gets to the part of '...don't come here, wait for the police to call you...' I was wondering how is she going to get the letter and all that. You allude a little bit to the a psychic twin connection thing but just a little bit.

I didn't like the story as it unfolded until the end. When I was finished with the chapter I liked it better. I hope that makes some sense.

The pace got better through out the story. The voice was consistent which is good. The writing was choppy in the beginning...very clunky...lacked fluidity.
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Review of The fight  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Disclaimer - This is all my opinion - Do with it what you will!

SHOW DON'T TELL

This is a fantasy story so avoid "Oh my God" as it as automatic connotations to the christian deity.

If that is the god in the story then so be it.

Part 1

Why did she forget who she was? Had he hit her already or was she under some spell? Give more setting. It's great to start out with action but there should be more. Show us the taste and the sounds and the smell and the sights. Play with all the senses.

They're enemies...why? Because she said so? What drew them to sleep together if they're enemies?

Howling furry I'm guessing should be fury.

Why is he bleeding? Did she land a hit? If so then he isn't unbeatable.

Then there is a tower...if he gets in front of her that quickly then she didn't reach the tower...she moved for it.

Show us his speed, don't tell us about it.

"No more than give feet" I'm guessing should be "five feet"

How are her arms pinned to the ground if he is standing over her? It would be better if he was sitting on her and pinning her arms to her legs. Plus then you get the intimate contact of him above her since that seems to be a central theme to this scene. That would make more sense for her to squirm and free one of her arms.

Plus - would she really call down a fiery spear if it would kill her too? If that is to protect her daughter than ok...but if she is pregnant with her child that doesn't work. However, if she is with child and it is his then you have a new twist.

BTW - the latinish terms (Incendio and Glacio) used for the spells REEKS of Harry Potter. Come up with something of your own.

I did like how her arm froze and her skin broke with the use of the spell. Nice touch. Did the tower freeze in mid-air or is it now frozen to the ground. I would expect gravity to cause an issue.

Now he is kneeling...work on your consistency.

Since the 2nd part deals with his point of view...keep the first part strictly in her POV. Don't have her guess that "he probably felt the same way".

"...rather than to have let me die." That is way too loose of a sentence. Most of the story is written like that. Tighten it up. This is an example - "As I kneeled on the ground in exhaustion my mind replayed our battle. I didn't understand why he chose to save me rather than kill me."

Part 2

Is he a sexist...does his race of people or clan or whatever it may be... not believe a woman is capable of power? If so that can then be part of the story and plays into the change one of the main characters can go through. IF that is not the case then alter your phrasing to have him be shocked that this woman has such power.

Why are we suddenly in his POV for the aftermath?

She is now passed out? A second ago she was wondering about the battle; very confusing.

Is she naked? If not then why was he commenting on her not covering herself up? Because if she is naked then he would have seen her bleeding arm already.

Blood does not feel like water except that it too can be wet. Blood is usually thicker.

Nice distinction that he didn't have any healing spells because he is a necromancer. But that leads to an idea that you should have been more distinct with what kind of shield he threw out. Does his type of magic affect him the way her magic affected her? She felt pain from the fire spell and pain from the cold spell. Is that because she is a trainee or adept and not a full sorceress?

The image of her arm wrapped with a "decent chunk" of his pant leg doesn't work.

Were they fighting out in the woods or on a farm or in a building? Where did he put her down...just inside the town on the ground? Outside of a house a store or an outhouse? Did he take her to his town her town what where when why and how.

Too much is left open to the imagination. Give us more...we readers are greedy people and we need more action.

Thanks
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Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Disclaimer - All of this is my opinion. Do with it what you will.

'Only two nights before, Gabe had forced his way into Valenko Keep. His Damned Lordship’s historical home would welcome him no longer.' - This reads like the home will not welcome Gabe any longer. Had to reread this for it to make sense.

Blessed holy water is redundant.

Good start. Good concept. Although I have to be honest and tell you that the writing is very clunky. Choppy if you will.

The majority of the story is told to us rather than shown. A prime example is 'The smell alone was enough to announce the undead. It was not unpleasant. It was dark, musty, and different. Part warm earth and burned ozone after a lightening strike.' - You simply tell us it is different. Play with our senses...put the taste on our tongues the smell so deep it coats our throat. Drift the grit of old earth in our eyes. Do his footsteps echo on the stone steps or are they muffled due to overpowering essence of Lucien Valenko?

'“You refuse to listen.” Valenko snarled.
“You and your kind can not be allowed to continue.” VanHelsing announced, fighting to keep his control.
“I will merely move. Fool! After nearly 300 years, do you believe I haven’t learned?” The demon asked.' - Dialogue is a spectacular place to give us internal glimpses of the characters. Actions incorporated into the dialogue can increase the setting and show us the mood of the people. Instead of tagging Valenko with "snarled" show us his rage or resignation as the case may be.
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Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I have to admit that at first I was a little worried about reading your story. Frankly, from the sub-title “A garlic-hating vampire….” It sounded stupid. I decided to read it anyway and I’m glad I did. It was cute and funny. Most of the dialogue was sharp and fairly well done.

His internal dialogue was pretty good too. I liked it. Thank you.

I saw no obvious glaring grammatical errors and the pace was decent.
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Review of Deserted  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done. Intriguing opening...hushed middle, and nice twist at the end. Pace and voice were strong and fit the story perfectly. Very well done.

The actions surrounding the dialogue were choppy and broke the tempo. Congratulations on a well done story. I actually wish it was something I had written.
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Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great line about the 7/11 career choice; Very Funny!!!

I like how you blended the supernatural with the mundane in the beginning.

Bleeding high teenagers….Very Funny!!!!

Gotcha….VERY FUNNY!!!!

I gotta tell you...I laughed outloud a few times reading this. Not a good thing while I'm at work...but VERY FUNNY!!!!!

It was funny enough in most places that it overrode the errors I came across. Not very helpful but I still enjoyed the read. Makes me wish I had written it.

I also like how he ended up doing exactly what he ran away from in the first place.

Good job...keep up the good work...and write on!!! Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Growing Up  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi. Fairly well written. Strong pace and consistent. A touching story for sure. However it is more of a journal entry or an essay than an actual short story. That being said... on its own merits I enjoyed it. As I said it was touching and funny and sweet and made me wish that I had siblings closer to my age to share the same types of things.

Ergo, I believe if that was the aim of the story than you succeeded admirably.
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Review of The New Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Disclaimer - this is all in my opinion. Do what you will with it.

Starts out sounding like whiney teenage angst; plus, we're only told she has an abusive boyfriend and overbearing parents. You as the author may know how she was abused and overbeared (Is that a word?) but we, the reader, do not. We should be shown, given examples. Weave them through the story.

The fall from the bus is cute.

The dialog seems forced...not bad, just forced, not real. Plus, watch your spacing with tabs and indents for the dialogue.

The series of bad events that surround her are great ideas but it was like reading a grocery list. "She fell, she lost her luggage, she had no place to live, she has to go to the shelter, etc..." We are only told. It's boring. Does she do anything besides hang her head and cry? Is she a psycho? Did she send the landlord money or did she dream the whole thing? That section right there could be a story in and of itself.

We see the end where she has her act together and seems to be doing well. Her mother is proud of her and yet a few paragraphs ago she was overbearing.

There is no story arc. It starts out bad and ends fairly well until the robbery. Your story has a beginning and an end (of sorts). The middle is left flapping in the breeze.

A great start of a story...just needs fleshing out.

A big thing and there were too many to point out. Read your story out loud or let someone else read it before you post it. There are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. Errors that a spellchecker program will not necessarily catch...example ('bid city' - should be - 'big city'), ('The headed' - should be - 'She headed').
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Review of Bump and Grind  Open in new Window.
Review by Skurpio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Pretty cool. Decent flavoring of characters. A bit too much telling in the beginning describing the relationships. It evened out in the middle and end with the constant state of showing which I liked.

The dialogue and descriptions left me a little curious as to race or nationalities involved...the lines felt blurred and indistinct.

I think there should be more in the story. When they see the gun it would be good to feel their fear or confusion or their reactions. Do they have guns of their own...do they struggle to reach for them or does the world slow down because they never expected to have this happen? That leads into more showing and would be a spectacular climax to the story.

Nice twist on the end that the con men got more than they expected. That was neat.

Overall the tone and tense and pacing were solid. No glaring errors that I could see.

Write On!!!
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