Hi, Cheri! Just wanted to return the favor. This is only my opinion.
Right away I noticed that the tense does not stay true. I also noticed a lot of telling rather than showing. Try to use action to get the point across rather than words, like when Lucky walks in to the store, the music washes over him and he starts bobbing his head. "Man, I love this song!" When he checks out, he could mention to the cashier that this he and his wife's favorite song and have a little conversation about it.
It was June 11 again. True to time honored habit, Lucky stopped by the store to get 2 Pepsi's and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup to share with his Becky on this their 40th anniversary. Lucky liked this store because they played classic rock on the overhead for the patrons. While he was making mental notes on what he needed for the anniversary celebration, their song came on. Lucky gently sways to the rhythm and hums along to Brandy, by the band Looking Glass. Lucky's thoughts drift back to their first anniversary ' the one that set the tradition for all the ones to follow. In this paragraph the tense changes—be sure to keep it consistent throughout the piece.
Becky grins and proudly places a dish of mac and cheese and some carrots on the table next to the 2 Pepsi's and Reese's PB cups. Becky proudly announces: 'Ta-da.'
Lucky laughingly asks. 'Is this the gourmet meal you promised?' Suggestion: Becky grinned and placed the dish in front of Lucky with a dramatic flourish.
“Ta-da!”
Lucky looked over the mac-n-cheese and carrots and grinned. “Is this the gourmet dish you promised?
'Uh-huh.' Her giggling was infectious.her giggling made him join in. It was only interrupted by the newborn's insistent wailing. Becky excused herself with a happy 'duty calls.' Right here you told the reader what she was doing rather than showed it.
Lucky heard Becky sing 'Mandy, you're a fine girl' to quiet the baby. Lucky shakes his head, Becky loved to change the lyrics on songs to fit whatever situation she found herself in. Lucky had moved to the doorway to watch the new mommy interact with her newborn. He chided her, 'The lyrics are 'Brandy, you're a fine girl'.'
'Uh-huh', Becky continues to hum a few bars, glances up with an impish grin and sings 'Mandy, you're a fine girl'.
Lucky cut in to finish the song with 'you're my wife, my lover, my lady.'
'I like your lyrics better,' she whispers with a wink.
I would suggest past tense for the flashback to differentiate from the main story of Lucky and his wife.
Regarding the dialogue, it doesn’t flow. Something I always suggest when doing a review and do myself if I’m in doubt, is read the story aloud. This will enable you to hear any awkwardness, etc. I like that this story is about older people, it just needs some reworking.
For a first time horror story, this has potential. I liked the details of how the spiders felt coming out of his mouth, and the clock. I think the piece needs fleshed out more, with more details of how he got to this point. When did the spiders start? Was he cursed? Read that book too many times? Does he have a family? Is the clock demon-possessed? Maybe owned by a warlock or witch? What do visitors/family say when they see the burned floor? Is he a hermit? Did he perhaps eat a spider as a child?
Your opening line lacks punch; here's my suggestion: His fingers tighten and relax on the carved armrests in time with his pounding heart. As the minute hand inches forward, a tickle begins at the base of his throat, and sweat beads on his forehead. Please, God, not again. I don't know how long I can do this. Something like this can bring the reader right into the character's mind. As it is, there is no reason for the reader to care what's happening to this guy, because it feels at arm's length.
These are just suggestions and only my humble opinion. Good luck with your story!
I thoroughly enjoyed your entry. It was fast-paced and suspenseful with excellent atmosphere. Your description was spot on. That being said, I'm not sure I "get" the ending.
A couple things: 'gnarling'--->I don't think that's a word. How about 'snarling'? Not sure about 'rosedingy' and the like.
abyssal-->abysmal?
But anyway--thanks for sharing your writing in my contest. Good luck!
Interesting story! I didn't see any grammar or punctuation errors (although I am by no means an expert).
I think that there needs to be more details from the lead character's POV. I don't feel that the average reader would realize that he was a werewolf. The other characters just called him a big SOB, they said nothing about him being a wolf or even a big dog.
Hope some of my comments prove helpful, and thanks again for entering my contest.
Hello Bananafish! I saw your request on the request review page.
There is some excellent imagery in here, great description. I could really see the forest. There was one spot that gave me a problem:
I moved on through a treeless clearing where patches of moonlight penetrated the leafy canopies above and illuminated the forest floor.
I think 'treeless' is redundant, as a clearing is clear spot, free from trees in this instant. So moonlight couldn't penetrate the leafy canopies above because it was a clearing....right? It that wasn't what you meant, i suggest rewriting it to say what you meant.
Another spot which jarred was when the main character and his girlfriend were on the blanket and rolled over and started f**** each other. I think there's a better word, something maybe a bit more meaningful you could use. Just my opinion, you understand.
I think you've done a great job capturing a young person on the cusp of adulthood and all it means. Great job!
Overall, this is an entertaining read. I enjoyed it. I stumbled over this section:
The next few hours were a blur of sad eyes. Sad eyed EMTs did their best even though it was too late. A sad eyed doctor told me nothing more could be done. Sad eyed police officers questioned me about my wife's mental state as gently as they could. My mother-in-law's eyes mirrored the anguish in my own when I told her the news.
"Helen, I'm sorry," I told her. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have left her alone."
"No Jason, it isn't your fault," Helen said, taking both my hands in hers. "I know what she was like after her father died. She tried to fill the emptiness inside her with you, but of course she couldn't. Please don't blame yourself."
To me, the loss of a child rather than a parent seems more appropriate to Rose's descent into paranoia and the like.
she was so white, like a porcelain doll.
That's a cliche, so maybe find another way to describe how white she is.
I liked the idea of her coming back as a rose bush, but why did she want to kill him? Perhaps when Jason refuses to stay home with her she could scream that he'd regret it or something and he'd chalk it up to her hysterics. Just a suggestion.
There's a good premise for this story, but I believe it would be more effective if you chose either Kate or Greg's POV in which to tell the story. The jumping around detracts from the story. Also, then ending was a bit abrupt.
I liked the way Kate's hair was red and the tattoo on her chest was cool.
Good story! Very original take on the revenge thing.
In my opinion (and everyone's got one, right?) I would leave out the 'for maybe five seconds' part of your last line. Those are unneeded words, as the reader can infer from the swaying slightly, that he stood for maybe five seconds.
Saw this in the Drama newsletter. I liked it, but found it hard to believe a mother would leave her drinking husband overnight without waiting for the babysitter, just to be sure.
Hello there. Overall I liked your story; it has huge potential. There's just a few problems, in my opinon, that need to be fixed to make it better.
1.I would skip the first paragraph and begin with the description of the vastness of the house, exaggerating, perhaps, the hugeness for effect.
2. Remember to stay in present tense, and I think this story will work best if you stay with the boy's POV. For instance, show the reader everything happening through the boy's senses. Include smell, sight, hearing, ect. What do the sheets feel like? Does his lamp throw spooky shadows on the wall? etc.
3. "He didn't know. But he thought. He thought very deeply." This little spot is in past tense rather than present. "He doesn't know. But he thinks. He thinks very deeply." Personally, I would get rid of this anyway, and the other part here: How is it coping, he thinks.
4.it's own devises---its own devices
5. When the boy hears the doorknob rattling, etc, try showing the reader it through is eyes, for example:
But wait! What's that? That rattling at the door? The boy shivered, slid down deeper in between the sheets. The doorknob rattled again.{/b} Maybe something like that.
6. I also noticed a bunch of adverbs. It's best to use these sparingly.
--disruptingly breaking it's silence (disruptingly is a bit much) its
--gasped breathlessly
THe bit where you tell the reader that the kid's autistic--is there a better way to communicate this info? Maybe at the beginning show the parents getting ready to leave, tucking him in or something, and discussing the boy's autism. Arguing about leaving him, maybe. Try reading your story outloud to yourself. THat's a good way to find things that you don't notice reading silently.
I hope some of my comments have been useful for you,and if you need further clarification or more help, let me know. This is just my opinon.
Boy, that Penny wasn't a very nice little girl! Poor Lyle! Entertaining story. It worked well with the style, but might even work better with dialogue. It would definitely be longer.
Lock Ness Monster---Loch Ness Monster.
That's the only misspelling I found in your story. Good job.
oooo, that's evil! And it sort of sneaks up on, you, too. YOu have this categorized as 'childrens', and while my eldest daughter would surely get a chortle out of the ending, I think adults would enjoy this as well. I certainly did!
Good story! I didn't find any punctuation/grammar errors in your story. There was a good flow to the storyline, and the AIDS bit was a good shocker. Interesting that both characters had the disease.
1.It would seem nowadays that everything comes down to brands; It seems nowadays that everything comes down to brands:
2. I was a little confused by the fifth paragraph. At first I thought he was attacked by the gal's boyfriend or something. Also, write out four hundred, instead of 4 hundred.
I like the style.
I hope some of my comments prove helpful in some way, and thank you for plugging into the Critique Boutique!
While this is well-written, it isn't really scary. I'm not sure how many words you can add, but I think some more spookier details would help.
Your grammar and punctuation is good. My main suggestion would be to add more dark detail while cutting the extra stuff. Maybe she could see a spray of blood on the wall, or the knife she used, or even a limb or something. Of course, this all depends on how high a rating you're interested in. More gruesome details would neccesitate an 18+ rating.
Hope this helps, and thanks for plugging into the Critique Boutque!
I enjoyed your story! I like a surprise ending, and the last line is excellent!
That said, I have a few nit-picky things:
1.Prom night had come, and he had a date. Brian would never have expected it. To call him unpopular would have been a sad understatement. In fact, most of the other outcasts and misfits refused to be seen with him. Small and skinny, with pale skin and large glasses, he looked the part of the prototypical nerd, but without the smarts.
I would cut this part, and begin your story with the next paragraph, because it's obvious from your description of the character that he's not one of the popular ones. You could also insert some of the info from the first paragraph, rather than waste your opportunity to hook your reader.
2. Alexander frowned as Brian showed him the object he has pulled forth Alexander frowned as Brian showed him the object he pulled forth.
I like the way you peppered the story with clues as to what was going on. I have to admit that I didn't catch them until the end. This was an enjoyable story, but I would classify it as "Horror/Scary" rather than "Thriller/Suspense". Not that it wasn't thrilling or suspenseful!
I hope some of my comments have been helpful and thank you for plugging into the Critique Boutique!
This was an interesting and disturbing story of the past. Here's some nit-picking I found while reading.
1. And boy how I remember the press. Try, And boy, how I remember the press.
2. As for the Blue Star Linen & Supply Co., itself; it was a huge facility. As for the Blue Star Linen & Supply Co., itself, it was a huge company.
3. Har. Har. Yuck. Yuck. Har.Har. Yuk. Yuk.
4. and the cholesterol clogging--arteries blocking This was weird. I'm not sure what you were trying to say here, and it's not a complete sentence, either.
5.before I could collect my thoughts, proper; A lot of times you use a semicolon or dash when a commma is all that is needed. This is one of those times.
6.Help Me Help me.
The dream sequence was odd and a bit long. I realize it's important to the story, in showing how it changed the protagonist's ideas about prejudice, but surely it could be condensed.
For the most part this held my attention, and you're a good writer. There's just a few punctuation issues to deal with. Such as your fondness for dashes. There's way too many of them in the story. A comma works just as well, if not better in some of the places. Try replacing a few with a comma and see what you think!
I liked the 'if God were a sparrow'.
I hope you find some of my comments helpful, and thanks for plugging into the Critique Boutique!
This prolouge to your story was, on the whole, interesting and held my attention. I do feel, however, that you spent too many words on the analogy of Alice's life with her parents and that of a cow. You kind of drove your point into the ground. I liked the part about her life being like a flat tire and such, and you portrayed her feelings well. It made me curious as to why she was in the car with Donovan. Also, she doesn't really sound like a girl. Maybe it's just me, but I was expecting a male protagonist. Has anyone else commented on this?
I didn't find any grammatical or technical errors in your story; good job!
I hope you find some of my comments helpful in some way, and thanks for plugging into the Critique Boutique!
Hello. Good vampire stories. I like them as well.
You successfully portrayed Erick as a killer with no redeeming qualities.
I have a few punctuation suggestions:
1.Then who cares for I shall not waste time telling you tales to put you at ease.Then who cares, for I shall not waste time...etc.
2.Death, decay, deceit and hatred, he has known them all for they make up his soul. I would suggest a semicolon in there somewhere for more drama. Maybe something like this: Death, decay, deceit and hatred; he has known them all, for they make up his soul.
3.Mara had been powerful, he realizes, much too late but oh well.Mara had been powerful, he realizes much too late, but oh, well.
4. ...his hat lays upturned on the dirt. ..his hat lies upturned...
Enjoyed it, and I will be checking out your other vamp stories.
I'm sorry for the low rating, but this is not a story. A story usually consists of action mixed with dialogue, and your story has neither. It is a merely narrative. I recommend that you take the basic story idea, a man worried about Y2K, and expand it. Why was John's life good? Does he have a family? If so, what do they think of the new computer? The reader needs some background on the main character. For a story to be successful, the character must be someone the reader cares about. There must be something at stake,some incredibly important thing or event that keeps the reader on the edge of his seat through the story.
There is still time to revise this story for the contest. Good luck and write on!!
Hello. I just read a couple of your reviews on the system, and thought I would check out your port.
I'm not sure what the point of this story was. Maybe that Maurine was a gross person? Anyway, I found a few things that if changed can improve your story.
1. First, putting a space between paragraphs will make this easier to read.
2...a very prominent bar,in its heyday. Don't need the comma there.
3. surrondings surroundings
4.vommitvomit
5.it's entry its. This happens another time in the story.
6.accept that little...except
7.that passageway,where all...Don't need the comma
Another thing, why is the bar disgusting? How about some more description. Just having rednecks, etc. won't make a bar disgusting (or maybe it will!lol).
I think some more expansion of your story, with more explanation of why Maurine eats nasty stuff, will make this stronger. Just get inside her head, maybe some flashbacks to her past or something.
Remember, this is only my humble opinion. If you disagree,then by all means ignore me.
Hi.
My husband was a volunteer firefighter for many years in our hometown before we moved to CA, so this was very real to me. As for the details, they seem ok to me. The only thing is, as experienced as Chuck was, I really don't think he would have gone inside the house like that. I think he would have done the ladder thing. Of course, it made a good (sad) story, and that's good! There's a couple spots where the tense in incorrect; reading the story out loud will help you find them.
Good story! Write on
OGGirl
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