Very good, I like the idea of the poem. It's very good and well thought out. It is very true in a sense as well. I do have a few tiny suggestions, but the poem is fine the way it is, so you don't have to take my suggestions.
Locked away in her own tiny world,
she had many dreams that would never unfold.
Always too busy with everyone else,
she put all her dreams way up high on the shelf.
"World" and "fold" don't really rhyme. I suggest possibly
"Locked away in her own tiny hole,
she had many dreams that would never unfold"
And also, "she put her dreams way up high on the shelf" seems to run a bit. Perhaps it could be,
"She placed her dreams high up on the shelf"
Those, however, are only minor suggestions. The poem is great the way it is, you're a great writer.
This is perfect, every single opinion I have about religion tied into politics, you spilled out right here on this piece of writing. See, I'm a Christian, but I'm completely open to other people's beliefs and I'm not saying I agree with them, but I'm saying that if they want to believe something, who am I to stop them? Many conservatives don't agree with other faiths, and say that they are wrong and false. I don't think it's right to criticize what other people believe. What really got me away from conservative republican is their beliefs against homosexuality. I believe that everyone deserves free rights to love and be happy with whoever they want.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on like that, but it seems we have similar political views, and i like to talk politics. I think that you are very educated. 5/5.
Skaters: Nah, I don't go for the usually underachieving group. Of course, I do know some skaters who are quite smart, but this poll seems to be going by the natural stereotype.
Goths: goths don't give a care what others think of them, they're themselves and if others think they're freaky, forget them! I think that type of independant confidence is deserving, but I personally don't think their style is hot, but I admire their confidence.
Other: Only 'other' I can think of are the emos, I LOVE the emos. I don't know why, and NO I don't mean cutter-emos. That's too much of a stereotype. Cutters and emos are different, a cutter can be an emo, but doesn't have to be.
Preps: Well, I do like preps. Their confidence is admirable, even though they can be a bit snobby sometimes. They're always in style and I love their cars, very hot. Perfect for a ride to the movies, even if other people don't like preps, I think they're find.
Punks: Hmn, now I don't know much about punks. Their style can be cool or freakish, it really depends.
Gangsters: NO! I think half the time they're fake for their image, and when they're not, I can't stand them!
Well, I'm 13 and don't really pay much attention, and every girl wants to be the first girl president, Hillary would just take that away from us hopefuls. I'm just joking. I personally think Obama is best for the job. He seems like a really good leader, of course you never know. Also, blacks got equality before women so I would think blacks would get leadership before women but you never know.
Somewhat repetitive but for a good reason and nice emotional impact.
Intake on the format:
A repetitive freeverse with meter, it's a good form to use if you want to have strong emotional impact.
Compliments:
Strong emotion, inner beauty in the words. Great job.
Suggestions for improvement: none
typos/grammar problems: the colon at the end of 'peering into the blackness of her life' could be deleted, it takes away from the flow, especially since that line is so emotional.
Wow, at first I thought this would be a poem about needing a better lover, until I clicked on it. Man, was I wrong. And man, is this good!
Suggestions for improvement:
Sorry, it just seems like the ending of the poem didn't finish it with the kind of bang that it had built up. Maybe add one final two lines saying,
"and you will find me,
for in the dark you are the light."
Grammar improvements: None
Typos: None
Overall impression:
Ah, I love it. I just feel it could be wrapped up better.
Stanza freeverse, good choice. Wait, it's not freeverse, it just doesn't have rhyming. It definately has a rhythm, hard to depict, like a hidden message. I like it.
Positive points:
Wow, romantic love poem with a passion! It almost reminded me of Chad Kroeger and Santana's song into the night. I don't know if you've heard it, but it's alot like this song.
I like it, it's freeverse. Freeverse is by far the best for writing emotional and love poetry. It just helps you to be able to have a better concept of what's happening and feeling the other's emotion if you don't have to worry about finding the right words to rhyme.
Positive points:
As I mentioined before, you chose a great format. I love it, it's needing. It's a plea. It's emotional, it's brilliant.
Suggestions for improvement: none
Grammar improvements: none
Typos: none
Overall impression:
Wow, you're a brand new member to this site. I can't wait to read more of your work, I'm sure you'll fit in great. You're really talented.
~Writing Jewel~
An interesting form that I don't think I've ever seen before. I like it, however.
Positive points:
Brief but strong and emotional and powerful.
Great imagery, sensory details, and use of adjectives.
Suggestions for improvement:
Perhaps give a brief description at the end of the poem on the format in which that you've chosen, so that people who don't know what it is can critique it properly.
I love the imagery used and the adjectives and synonyms used for desciption are very well-chosen. You have quite an extensive vocabulary. It fits the poem nicely.
True in the name of the Lord, God blessed you to carry out the love in his name.
Suggestions for improvement:
I suggest listing this as an 'other' instead of an essay. Essays are generally longer and list facts, this does neither. Well, it somewhat lists facts, but not exactly.
I merely think that John Lennon was the most inspiring, he was the best writer, and the best singer. He inspired me for so many things, I ponder if he was Christain. I also like Ringo, I'm a drummer so I look up to him. But I look up to John because I'm a writer.
I think Paul was cute, but not anymore. My sister loves him. I also like George, but not as much as John and Ringo.
You can say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. You're not the only one, I'm not the only one. John was not the only one. Us who pray for peace, hope for peace, attempt peace may not all be together in physical, but our hearts bond in unity as we share our common goal.
I LOVE that last sentance. Beatleness was over, but not gone. So true, like John Lennon's music. It's over, but will never be gone and die from our hearts. His message and his soul lives on forever. The Beatles' soul and music live on forever, in our hearts, in our muses, in our minds. Forever may they inspire everyone.
Beautiful, sometimes freeverse is hard to depict honest beauty, sometimes it depicts more beauty than meter poetry does. I think this depicted much beauty, I love this poem so much I would award it if I had the gps.
My only suggestion to you would be not to add the title of the poem to the top, for some reason it just doesn't seem as proffessional. My personal opinion, other people think it makes it look more proffessional, so it's your decision.
Interesting form of freeverse poemtry that I've never encountered before. Ok, that didn't make sense, freeverse poetry has no forms. Well what I meant to say was, interesting way you had your stanzas and it was told more like speaking but in a poetic way. Not completely poetry but not completely prose. I liked it.
Wow, this is heart touching. Pure and amazing. Wow, it's all so true, all of these things God could have not done that would have benifited him and not us. He chose to love. And all of the things we could have not done for him, but we choose to, because he did so much for us. We shouldn't be selfish when he is eternally selfless.
There may be problems and sin in the world, but God will set it straight. Even the sinners get to live their lives and if they repent, eternally in Heaven. God loves them all. We should all love him. I love him, you love him, why don't Satanists love him? Why don't athiests love him? Why don't athiests believe in him?
Have they fallen to Satan's grasp? God will set it straight eventually. Just keep your faith, he will never lose hope in us if we never lose hope in him.
~Writing jewel~
-Write from your heart, write form your soul. Write on!-
The Lord will follow you through on your journey, trust in him and he will guide you. Have faith in him and he will help you. He loves us all, so we all should love him in return.
Suggestions:
None, it was right on the nail.
Overall thoughts:
I love it SOOOO much! Come check out my port sometime, I'll read more of yours. I love religious writing.
~Writing jewel~
-Write from your heart, write form your soul. Write on!-
God is the light that shines in the dark, when we are alone, he is there with us. God guides us through the long and widening pathway and to the light in the end.
Sorry, you inspired me!
Suggestions:
I suggest stanzas, it makes poetry much, much easier to read.
Overall thoughts:
Great job, I love it!
~Writing jewel~
-Write from your heart, write form your soul. Write on!-
Oh my gosh, I LOVE it! I hope that you won this contest, that is one of the best entries for that contest that I've ever read. It's sad, yet powerful, and emotionally moving, so pounding at your soul. That is what the foundation of a good writer needs, and you definately have the quality to become a great writer. You already are.
You deserved to have won this contest, this is one of the most beautiful poems I've ever read. My port raid for you is coming to an end since there's few work to be raided that I haven't raided so far. I realized that I skimmed over this one and didn't give it a review. I now feel sorry that I didn't have the pleasure of reading this amazing poem. Great job.
-Jewel-
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writingjewel
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 12:55pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
