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33 Public Reviews Given
81 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of At the Pool  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey! I'm Kaitlin! Thanks for submitting your story in my review forum- it wasn't too long, so I decided to go for it!

*Star*Grammar:*Star*: Everything seemed to be spelled correctly, but you forgot one HUGE thing: commas. The dreaded commas. I would copy your whole story in here, but it'd be way too long. Just go through your story and put them after or before the word, 'but.' For example, in the first paragraph: I shouldn't be out in the sun, but here I am, in the pool, my skin slimy from a thick layer of sunblock. That's all you need to do. You had a couple of misplaced commas here and there, but if you read through your story and edit it, you should be fine.

*Star*Structure*Star*: I liked all the dialogue with this! You really matched up to how a little girl would react to help, anger, defense, etc. I worked as a lifeguard this summer and I dealt with little kids everyday, so I know how it feels. You really did a good job with the conversation.

*Star*Flow*Star*: This story flowed nicely. I don't totally understand why your character wanted to wants to bike ride even though he knows his body won't be able to handle it. That confused me just a little bit. But other than that, it sounded good.

*Star*Overall*Star*: I really liked this! You must work around kids because you know their actions pretty well. The naiveness (is that a word?) of children is really portrayed well. All I have to say is just re-check your grammar, and you should be set! Good job!! If you did a sequel to this, I'd definitely read it. *Smile*

Keep Writing!
*Heart* VB
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Review of Twinks  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey! Thanks for coming to my review forum! Here's my review of your story...

*Star*Grammar*Star*: Okay, I think I'm going to paste this entire thing in here. I'll either bold something if I think it should be changed (or a misspelling) or crossed out.

The man fell outside the pub, his shirt was covered in pukeand looked as if he had fought a hobo over it. He straightened up, and began to walk cautiously down the side?walk.

His name was Henry, but most knew him as Twinks. The nickname wasn't anything special, just a childhood name that stuck. Now there wasn't anything childish about Twinks. His alcoholic driven mentality drove him from bar to bar, night to night. Looking. For what, no one ever knew. They did know one thing about Twinks though: he was trouble. Twinks had to almost always had to be thrown out of the bar he was in., and then. He would then continue his dark walk, just looking to be...accepted some thought, while others just assumed he was just driven to what ever would kill him the quickest.(that's an awkward sentence- might want to reword that)

Tonight was no different. A different bar, a different drug, but for all the same reason: Twinks had yet again found himself on the all accepting street. Twinks adjusted his eyesight to the dark alleyway behind Tank's Bubbly Wonders bar and began to trudge along.
"f***ings.....the bastards..think they...f***..." Twinks mumbled drunkenly into drunkenly into the alleyway. The forgiving darkness. The darkness never threw him out, but instead, brought him in. It covered him from his fears, from the rejection. His status on society was simple. Drunk. He was no more then that. A life passed by. And to look at Twinks, one could almost assume his life was meant to be like this. But in reality, Twinks had almost every possibility in the world. His parents were normal, a beating here, a discipline action there, but no abuse. Alcohol itself wasn't even present in his family. The only one who even drank, besides Twinks, was his uncle Richie, who actually owned a brewing company in New York.

Currently, Twinks had nothing but how the hell he was going to get home on his mind. He wiped out the wretched, crusted puke from his lips, and gave what he called, a "boozical burp". The stench reflected back into Twinks nostrils, and even though he was dead-drunk, spun-out, and rejected, Twinks even pulled back at the stench of his breath. Slowly, he made his way down the alleyway, feeling his way like a blind man.
"The END....the only friend...the end...mystical...jimbles***s.." Twinks sang out into the dark night.
"Can ya' picture....me and you...in need...of A STANGERS HAND..the desperate land, pornographic hand jobs, up and down your..ha ha ha ha..." Twinks laughed heartily to himself as he heard his drunken rambition of The End by The Doors sung back to him.
"f***ing....children insane..," Twinks finished. Twinks looked up and blinked. The bright moon light reflected onto his face, and the summer wind blew across his nose. Snorting, he turned left onto a main street, which he know noticed was no where he knew.
"Ride the high west....baby." A soft voice from behind him murmured.
"WHATf***THEHELL!" Twinks spun around so fast that bits of puke spun off his shirt and stuck to the wall beside him.
"The west is the best..."The calm dark voice replied.
" The blue busssss...is calling usssss.." The voice gew louder and began to ssth. (what was this supposed to be?)
" The killer awoke before dawn, and he took a face from an ancient GALLARY AND HE WALKED DOWN THE HALL!" The voice calm at first, grew louder and then erupted in a scream.
The drunk Twinks screamed and erupted in a drunken attempt to escape from the voice. Instead, Twinks succeeded in flailing over a tipped-over trash can. Landing on his face, Twinks let out a "Hmmph. The figure crept over to the bleeding Twinks.
"Father....." The figure murmured.
"...ehhh...ehh" was all Twinks could get out.
"I want to kill you." The figure replied, and then let out a loud brash cackling.
Inside, beyond Twinks drunkenness, he felt a curdeling. Something was wrong here. The figure, Oh dear God, The figure....
Slowly revealing himself in the moonlight, the figure appeared, and the clown suite appeared out of the light. His blood stained glove brought immediate panic to Twinks mind. Then the a large image reflected itself in the moonlight.
"The end....my only FRIEND!" the clown screamed out, and started the large object, which just happened to be a chainsaw. Twinks, between broken bloodied teeth, screamed out into the night. The pain he had suffered in his life had not been like this.

The clown ripped his chainsaw down through Twinks leg, and the gurgling of blood and bone erupted into Twinks ear drum. Suddenly, a hot substance erupted up into his throat and spewed on the pavement in front of Twinks. He saw this was his own blood, and the hot substance was followed by a raw burning in his stomach. There Twinks lay, in his on blood and puke, beyond chainsawed by a pyscho clown. The clown erupted into pyschotic laughter and finished cutting through Twinks bone. The pain was insane. The burning, oh Christ, it couldn't stop. It was unmeasurable, more horrible then Twinks had ever felt.

The clown then made his way up to Twinks blood stained face and picked it up.
Twinks saw the insane clown looking at Twinks him, and the clowns face reflected the moonlight. He wore a white paint, all over his face, and highlighted his eyes with a dark, blood red. His hair was red and resembled an afro. The clown gave Twinks a smile, and smacked him on the cheek. The Clowns outfit wasn't actually an outfit at all. Overalls encompassed his legs and partially his chest, and beyond that, Twinks saw that he wasn't wearing anything. The clown had turned off the chainsaw and now looked directly into Twinks eyes. His eyes. Oh Lord, his eyes. They glimmered, pyschotic. Mad. "Madasaf***in hatttaa", Twinks might of said at one point in his life. But now, with the clown sitting on top on him, and his surgically removed?body decapitated? with a chainsaw just a few moments earlier, the only thing Twinks could say was,
"Just...f***ing..why..dontyakill me..ya..ya.....pussy.." Twinks mumbled, and erupted a spurt of bright red blood, onto the clown's pale face.
"Sounds like a plan!" The clown was smiling now, his white teeth resembled the same tone as his pale skin. Twinks blood had spatted across the face of the clown, and was now dripping down his face. The clown licked the blood from around his lips, and cackled.

"Let the fun begin."

*Star*Flow*Star*: This story seemed to flow pretty well; the opening for the man was good. The clown randomly coming in was a little out there, but maybe that's what you were going for. You never explained the clown and his relation to the man, so you might want to try that.

*Star*Structure*Star*: You broke it into paragraphs very well, but I was confused by the last sentence, "let the fun begin." What fun was he talking about? Is he just saying that because he's a psycho? But you moved into paragraphs well.

*Star*Overall*Star*: If this story was meant to creep me out, you succeeded. It was definitely not like anything I've ever read before; it was dark and disturbing. But I know you like that kind of writing, so it definitely fit that. Let's just say it definitely fits its genres. Overall, it was pretty good. Next time, just run spell check before you finish editting and read your sentences out loud to yourself and see how they sound to you.

Keep writing!
*Heart* VB
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow. That was really REALLY good. Wow, born 3 months premature? My friend was only 2 months, but 3 months is amazing! I'm so happy your daughter and Kenedie survived. From the way you were putting it and how you were so scared, I was thinking they wouldn't make it! It made me smile when I found out they were both fine. Kenedie is such a cute name! I love it! And I'm so happy you did march of dimes. It's such a great organization! My dad helps with it and it's really cool. Thank you for sharing this with us!
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Review of Never Love A Poet  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
hey there! awww this was sad lol o no im a poet!! ahhhhhhhh!!! Oh well lol and she will be lovedddd! I liked how you ended all of the same line!! good job!!! KEEP IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
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Review of Alaska Outdoors  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
hey there! wow!!!!!!!!!!!! this really gave me a GREAT visualization!! I can just imagine myself walking up the hill, with my big puffy jacket on, slapping a bug on my leg and sweating under the hot sun. This was really good and I loved how you did great details! I bet anyone could imagine themself on a hill like this. AWESOMEEEEEE!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Review of Mystery  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
hey there! I liked this poem. It gave me a scene to picture in my mind and have fun with (NO I AM NOT CHEATING WITH PICTURES! hehe) The details were extremely good and I loved especially how you put the snow looked like "marshmallow cream"! It made me hungrey and made a really good visualization. no mistakes here! KEEP IT UP!!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Review of Walls of Panic  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
hey there! I thought this was good. Sometimes we all have that wall blocking our happiness and we need to break it down but we can't figure out how! That happens to me sometimes. I especially liked the rhyming scheme because not many people do that kind a lot, the one where you rhyme every other line together. you have no mistakes so AWESOME job!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Review of Autumn  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
hey there! I liked this one a lot. I always love it when it turns to winter because I love snow, but then again I'm sad to see summer go because I love going outside and going swimming and all. I liked how you put "the spicy scent" because that's all I smell in fall- the spices for pumpkin pie and everything else my mom makes! keep it up!!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Review of BUTTERFLIES  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
hey there! I thought this was really cute! very uplifting on a rainy day when you long to go outside lol good job! One of my favorite things are butterflies and I thought putting "paperwings" in this was cute because they're wings aren't paper but they definitely seem like it so I liked that a lot lol and instead of after Butterflies, I think you should put Flutter instead of Flit. Is flit a word? lol i just thought flutter would be better so good job!!! keep it UP!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Review of MY VALENTINE  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
hey there! awwwwwww!! This was soo cute!! I loved it!! I didn't know what fathom meant but it sounds good in the poem!! lol I liked how you said when you're blind he gives you guidance. I thought that was sweet and really cute. And in the 1st stanza, when it says,
Your love is gentle, yet so strong
It shores me up when life goes wrong-
I think it should be it LIFTS me up because shores reminds me of the beach and you're floating up on the shore..lol don't ask but great job!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
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Review of My Online Friend  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
hey there! I thought that was cute. We all have our online friends (not STALKERS!) and they're fun to talk to because they can't tell anyone else your problems because they don't know anyone you know but just you. I have a couple like YOU! (its me WRITERCHIC) and this was very cute!! In the 2nd stanza, you spelled funniest, funnest. keep it up!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Review of For Teresa  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
hey there! I liked this one. I bet Teresa really liked it. I have a friend like her and it is like she's part of my family because I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. I liked how you put shes part of my family who says blood makes you related? I thought that was cute because my friends ARE family lol. For the 1st stanza I think instead of my mouth she makes smile, I think you should put my LIPS she makes smile, just because your mouth is where you chew stuff and I just couldn't get that thru my head lol keep it up!!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Review of Member of One  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
hey there! I thought you did a really good job on this!! keep it up!! It was kinda depressing but it reminds me of the beyonce song "me, myself and I" I always say that a lot lol but good job! I liked how you referred to "no shoulder to lean on"! And I only have one comment- In the last stanza I think it should be-
It'll be me,myself, and I to show how much I've won
even if the group I have has a member of one
keep it up!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Rated: E | (4.5)
hey there!! awwwwwwww thats sooo cute!! very touching!! I wouldn't forget that holiday either! I liked how you described how everyone was so happy, with the smiles on their faces and everything. That must have been fun lol. It's great how you got them turkeies for thanksgiving too! I only saw one mistake and that you missed only ONE comma. In the 15th paragraph, in the beginning, it says After many hugs and thank yous. I think it should be After many hugs and thank you's. lol good job!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
15
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Rated: E | (5.0)
hey there! Right when I saw the title in your port, I clicked on it because I just HAD to read it! That was soooo cute!! It just made me go awwwww!! That is clever, how he said he was going to do a magic trick. That was soo touching and o soo cute!! It's like one of those movies that you go see with your friends and then everyone cries at the end lol GREAT JOB!!!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS A LIFE FOR ME!
-vballplayinPIRATE!-
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
That is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute!! I liked everything! Personally, I'm not afraid of Friday the 13th, but I am superstitious! Like for volleyball, I have to do a little foot thing before I serve or else I mess up. I liked how you put the part, "I told the nurse she was to be the Storymistress and bla bla bla..." lol I got a laugh outta that! GREAT JOB!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
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Review of Hilltops  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
hey there! I thought this was strong too! I liked how you started both of the paragraphs with, "Tonight I stood on the hilltops." And I REALLLLLY liked how you put after the first sentence in the 1st paragraph, "I knew not why." And then after the 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph, "I know now why." That was good lol. And when it says I ran
down,down, through the flowers dense,
I think you should put
I ran down,
Down through flowers dense.
good job!! keep writing!
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A PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME!
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Review of Mae of the Fae  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey! You did a really good job on this poem! I just have a couple suggestions, but overall it was really good!!
For the 1st stanza- i think you should put instead of I have fallen for a man,And Fae he is not today.- I think you should put-
I have fallen for a man, and he is not fae today. I just think it sounds better because that kinda messed me up there lol

And in the 3rd stanza- i think its really cute lol but theres one part i just think that you could use another word for to add for "spring" to it- in "The man does choose his bride.Oh Goddess, please let it be me!"- i think it should be Oh my gosh, please let it be me!" i dno i just like the oh my gosh because then mae sounds really really excited!!
I think the rest of it was awesome!! KEEP WRITING!
this has been a kaitlin review. please enjoy and come again!

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Review of Just a Moment  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
hey!! OMG!!!!!!!! that was one of the sweetest things i have ever read...EVER!!!!!! that was wayyyyyyyyy 2 cute!! I LOVE IT! It sounds just like the end of a fairytale- just"nothing matters except love" aww thats sooo cute!!AWESOME JOB!! i dont see any errors i could correct!! keep it up!!

this has been a kaitlin review. hope you enjoyed it and come again!
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey! that was really funny!! I liked it a lot! I thought it was really cute and I liked how you made a whole new story for the Cat in the Hat!I just have a couple suggestions...but its almost perfection!! YAY!! lolOn stanza 13, with the Spied the potato chips, dunked them in dip, part. I think you should put Spied the ruffle chips, and dunked them in dip. I think it would be kinda cute to make the chips be like a known chip to everyone so you could really visual it!Also for stanza 24, with the My children were taught, to always be kind, part. I think you should put, My children were taught, to always been nice and kind." I just think you should add more sylables to that part, but thats just me/Anyway, good job!! I thought you did a really supreme job and it made me laugh! AWESOME JOB!! I hope you liked my review~!
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this has been a kaitlin review. I hope you enjoyed and please, come again!
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