Hello! This is such an excellent poem. I really like that you included a relevant picture to bring it to life. I also very much like that you are trying an uncommon form. While I feel like the phrase, Smacking my lips, is a bit common, I really like how it contrasts with the other, less common phrases. I think the phrase "Reminding me, special friendships;" is a bit disjointed and doesn't flow with the rest of it, but I very much like the line "Which are now lost in life's eddies." Well done.
I think this work is great, particularly the description, how easy it is to read, and how easy it is to relate to. The tone is extremely fitting and well conveyed. The language is fantastic. The grammar is great, and you have a really strong vocabulary. A good sense of voice is conveyed. I particularly like "belligerent warthogs." I like the title.
I honestly think that this work might work better without being in the form it is. The line breaks of poetry don't seem to fit very well, or seem extremely creative in this piece. I also think that, though strong, the final stanza is not as well written as the ones before, and it is always nice to end on a strong point. It's structure makes me wonder if it actually extends from the stanza before, or if it is truly a sentence on its own.
Hello! My name is Writer520. I really enjoyed your poem and wanted to leave a review. Your poem is strong from the first line: "I write thunder." I liked that sentence and found myself immediately drawn into the work. I'd like to thank you for posting your poem on this website and giving us the chance to read and enjoy it.
Title: One thing that strikes me about the title is that it never shows up in the poem. I like that very much. It is the strongest hint of what the poem is about, then leaves us to apply it to the work without "telling".
Theme/Message: Through abstract imagery, you recreate the experience and sensation of daydreaming. I found this to be a unique and original idea.
Emotion: I find that this piece is mostly powerful, gaining much from the language it uses. I also found it to be highly imaginative, and uplifting.
Imagery: The imagery is abstract, as it is difficult to imagine hearing blue and watering memories. This goes against much of what has been recommended to me for poetry, but I think it works for this poem because of the theme. The impossibility of these images is part of the strength and part of what makes the poem so enjoyable. Some of my favorites are "sow the tunes," "speak moon," and "winking dreams."
Style: I like that you used form, and I like the form that you chose. The only moment it is weak is in the very first stanza, at least as I read it. I'd recommend choosing words that rhyme more closely, as that is what you did for the other stanzas.
Diction: I really like many of the words you chose, such as when you use "azure," particularly in relation to music. I also liked your use of "sunburst" and "winking."
Grammar: I sometimes stumbled over the grammar in this piece. Poetry tends to be a form of literature where every small word, sound, and punctuation mark has great significance. Even the choice of disregarding grammar is usually carefully chosen. Some moments in this poem could benefit from changes to the grammar and punctuation. One moment that could be clarified was when it says: "Wind weaving whispers/leave me to ponder." There are a few different ways you could make this more clear to what you meant (and I love the alliteration), but I needed a moment to sort out the message of this line.
Further Suggestions: I'd recommend looking once more at the speaker and audience of the poem. While most of the poem is about what the "I" does when daydreaming, there are moments when the speaker seems to address the readers on what to do. This might be a stylistic choice or a grammatical mistake, but I found it slightly confusing at times.
Hello. I’m writer520. I ran across this essay and was intrigued because I am a writer, of course. Expecting something of a rant, as these things can often go, I was delighted to discover a well-crafted argument for the art. I was captivated from the start with your mentions of Shakespeare. I adore the works of Shakespeare, and thought it was brilliant to reference his words in your essay. At that point, I had no idea of the references to come. Each one was a joy to find. A gem, truly. Referencing more accomplished writers lends great credibility to what you are saying and allows readers to relate the words to writers they “know” better. You also show that you are well educated, which is good for an essay and nice to know for readers. I found this essay both enjoyable and enlightening.
Title: There’s Writing and Me. I thought that this was a great title, and I like how you connected all of the subtitles to this format.
Idea: The idea of writing about why you write is an old one, as you pointed out in the essay. Your idea stands out though the use of references to other writers. This makes it far more unique than it would be otherwise. I think it was a good idea in general.
Theme: The theme - your passion for writing and that of other writers – is a powerful one that is easy for the readers on this site to relate to.
Emotions: For writers, ideas about their art can bring up many powerful emotions, and I think you portray this well while also creating a lot of emotion for your readers in the work.
Favorite Parts: I really liked the lines “No offence to Andy Warhol intended.” And the final “It’s about the magic.”
Writing Style: I like how you bring the references in so smoothly. At the same time, I had some trouble with the flow of the piece. It is sometimes difficult to follow your thought process from paragraph-to-paragraph or even sentence-to-sentence. I caution you to be more consciously aware that readers are not in your head and to work on making the logical progression from one point to another more clear. Your style is also very informal and passionate, however, which is great for this essay.
Hello. I’m writer520. I just read your poem, and I really enjoyed it. You are really good at writing poetry. I’m writing to give you my opinion, but keep in mind that it is only my opinion and other readers may think differently. I also simply want to express my sincere appreciation that you posted this poem. It is a great contribution to the site.
Title: Passion. I like this title because it is simple, though effective. That one word has a lot of emotion and ideas associated with it.
Idea: I like the idea of this poem. It is a short few stanzas on a very big idea. It is neat and interesting, leaving much for readers to think about after they are finished. Young love, simple crushes taken far too seriously, bring up many ideas to my mind of great works, which is strong backing to your poem. Perhaps you can add some allusions to these.
Theme: Love is one of the most common themes of poetry, but I really like how you made it so specific – teenage/young love, or passion. A simple crush, portrayed from the eyes of someone that clearly sees it as something more. That makes it far more intriguing and adds a level of depth.
Emotions: This piece is entirely about emotions. I can see where the passion comes in, though I think that stronger diction could better bring up the actual emotions associated. One example might be right at the start: “want you” is something strong, but it has been said and there might be other ways of saying that while getting the strength of the emotion across more clearly.
Favorite Parts: I love the repetition of this piece. I also like you summon up images of the many aspects (largely shallow) associated with young love. I like particularly the repeated question at the end, though I think making it just slightly different the second time would be nice. If not, it still works wonderfully.
Writing Style: Great style and form. Your grammar is also good, which also makes this poem enjoyable. Stronger diction could greatly contribute to this story, but it is very well written.
Thank you again for sharing this. It was great to read it and highly enjoyable.
Hello. I’m writer520, and I just finished reading your poem. I greatly appreciate that you shared this work and talent with everyone here. This piece is highly emotional, and it is clear that you have a lot of talent for writing poetry. I thought I’d give you my opinion here, but this is a great poem and my critiques may not apply to other readers. I only hope that you can find something useful and that you can take pride in how good this reader has found your work to be.
Title: Doc Strait In His Bow Tie. This title is highly intriguing and drew me to read the poem. I had to wonder what it could mean, and I think it is highly effective. It relates well to the poem but doesn’t give too much away. It is certainly a curious and inspired choice.
Idea: I liked this idea as I generally enjoy tributes. I think that your inspiration for the poem from this life-changing teacher is a great subject and one that you portray to readers very well.
Theme: The theme of this poem, the impact of a teacher, is very moving and one that many people can relate to.
Emotions: This piece is highly emotional. Part of that comes from the theme, but another part comes from how you wrote it. Gun imagery, even if there wasn’t an actual gun, creates many emotions in my opinion. You also use a lot of words that spark emotion in this context such as “magic” and “young.” References to the past have created a somewhat nostalgic feel to this work.
Favorite Parts: I particularly like the lines: “The beauty of Doc was his Clark Kent disguise” and “That my English lit class had far more to say/ Than ‘Double, double toil and trouble’ that day.”
Writing Style: I found your metaphors to be great. I like how you used the gun imagery throughout. It certainly kept my attention from the start, as only your description of the poem kept me aware that there probably wasn’t a man actually pointing and shooting a gun. I think that the word choice of this poem could use some work. A lot of the diction and phrases were slightly overused, even within the poem. Phrases like “came without warning,” “knew what he meant,” and “My life was changed” do not fit with poetry, which usually tries to find new ways to say something. Sometimes, it seems like you are straining to fit the rhyme scheme. An example of this was with “The ignorance of me he was able to surmise”. Punctuation could be added throughout the poem to make it easier to read. Finally, the first stanza does not follow the same pattern as all the rest, but that could be a stylistic choice. I found it only mildly distracting.
In all, this is an excellent poem. I think your English teacher would be truly moved by this intro and proud of your ability.
Thank you for posting this wonderful story. I think it is wonderful and a lot is included in this compact piece. I like that it is so experimental. The second-person and present tense use is something I found very intriguing. I think you did far better with the tense than most people would. The use of second-person is also very well done, but I found that it distracted me from the story. The main character, the 'you,' has a strong and definite personality (and I think you developed that very well), and I think first person might do it more justice. This is, of course, only personal preference, but I think the few times I pause to consider if I would really do that take me out of the story for a while and interrupt the flow. I generally see second-person as more of an observer. I'm too aware of my own personality and would prefer to meet this unique person than become him. Your characterization and use of detail are wonderful. I also really like how easily you get in the character's head and portray the thoughts and the events of the story at the same time. It is great how you are able to portray both the imagination and the reality. You never lose track of the point-of-view. Your grammar is excellent and the sentences flow in a great way. I found the title intriguing as I was looking for something to read, but after reading the piece, I think you could find something better. From the title, I expected something imaginative (which is true) and good, but this is excellent. Once again, thank you for sharing. Aside from the minor (and mostly opinion) issues, I greatly enjoyed reading this.
I thought that this was a very interesting idea and the start of a unique story. You set up a number of characters well, but always keep the focus on the main character, William. This is often hard to do and you do so very well. I know that this is the beginning of a continuation, but it still seems to be a lot of summary. I'd like to see him truly going to the places and being discovered as brilliant. I'd like to see the reactions of the people around him. This portion would be far, far longer, but I think that readers would gladly stay through the additional words if you were showing all of these scenes instead of summarizing. I also wonder about what you are setting this character up for. No human is perfect, and it is the imperfections that allow readers to relate to a character. It is often the imperfections that make a character most loved. I wonder why you have chosen to make this character entirely unflawed and what you are setting him up for. I could see some symbolism in it perhaps, but I do think making the character more rounded would be of great benefit to your story.
I thought that this was a very strong poem. You create a sense of time well, not only with the aging process, but also in a sense of setting. You capture incredible events in American history, but also make it highly personal. There are many points when you play with language, such as through alliteration and metaphor. If you were ever to revisit this poem, my only suggestion would be that you play a little more with that. I especially like the line: “Tumbles like a puppy.” It is a cute image. The contrast you create in the line: “I study hate; picking daisies on our lawn,” is a particularly powerful point because of that contrast. You use a lot of contrast throughout the poem and I think that is fantastic and adds to the power of the piece. Thank you for posting this amazing poem.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writer520
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 8:58am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
