Hi Slayme,
Thanks for asking for a review on this poem "Lilac" on my review forum.
In school we are taught that poetry lines start with a capital letter, however this is not true. Poetry like all forms of writing should use capital letters at the start of sentences and the beginning of proper nouns.
Avoid the use of the words 'and' and 'but' as a sentence or line start. They are weak words that weakens the poem. You will see most poetry lines do much better without them. This may mean slightly rewording a line so that it makes sense, however it is worth the effort to give the poem more strength. Likewise the phrase 'seem to' weakens the poem.
Words that end in 'ing' also need to be avoided. they tell the reader the poet could not be bothered finding strong enough words.
Here is a rewrite of your first two verses to demonstrate what I mean here.
Under the aged willow trees
quaffs of moonlight fall upon me.
Through holes between the olden leaves
her pinion pierces through my heart.
That sorrow that deteriorates worlds
enjoys the soul and tears it apart
Her wings that gently flutter
provoke the mind that helplessly utters
''She is the dissonance of this melancholy,
the melodious countenance of my universe.
I write for this melancholic lilac butterfly. (changing melancholy to its adjective form here adds alliteration to the line.)
My heart yearns to be forever a part of hers''
I hope these comments help and that you continue to write poetry and keep working on making your poems strong and powerful so they stand up on their own! Word choice and punctuation are the skeleton of a poem. They give it a strong foundation.
Overall the poem is a good poem that has interesting turns of phrase and uses delightful imagery.
Hi Horace,
Thanks for requesting a review on my forum.
As I read your title "Midnight Dandelion" in the link and waited for the page to open I thought I knew what I would find. I was wrong. That is a good thing. The title does not give the poem away, but it does relate very well to the theme of the poem. The idea of something light coming from a dark place.
I relate well to the feelings expressed in your poem and feel the frustration and even depression that comes from the first part of the poem and I too cling onto that light in the sky that shines from inside.
Do use full punctuation throughout the poem. Lines 7 & 8 need questions marks (?). The elipses (...) are not needed in lines 8 & 11. Either a full stop (.) or an exclamation mark (!) would be correct in line 11.
To punctuate or not is a personal choice for a poet, however once you use a little punctuation it is more fitting to fully punctuate otherwise the poem comes off as being half-hearted.
thanks for asking for a review on my review forum.
I find the layout of this poem to be unique and creative. The layout sets the pace for the reader and it seems the pace waxes and wanes with each stanza which matches the theme of depression. This is an exellent feature of the poem because although it is lengthy it does not seem so to the reader.
In reading stanza one it seems the natural ending of the stanza would be at the end of the second last line. I think it would be appropriate to drop the last line and reword the first line of stanza two to read something along the line of "Depression creep upon her......"
The repitition of the phrase in the last to lines of stanza two does not work very well here. I would cconsider rewording the last line to continue the metaphor of the panther as depression by saying " Waiting for the right moment to pounce."
In stanza three you use the phrase 'she is' way too much and it detracts from the poem. You would do just as well without the phrase in most circumstances. One way to remove some would be to write the stanza this way.
"She is free, she is mysterious, strong; and precarious. She is young, she is old; violent, and tame, she is spontaneous, she is shy, and afraid."
Stanza four line three, drop "And" at the start of the line it standds well without it. Same applies in line three of stanza 6.
Apply what I have said above to the rest of the poem and you will find that much of the advice here can be applied and give your poem much more strength.
Keep on writing. This is a good poem and you can make it a great one.
Thanks for requestiong a review of your poem on my poetry review forum.
This poem uses simple language so readily gets across the message the writer wants the reader to recieve. However I feel that six uses of the same phrase "it feels" in the opening stanza is simply too much. The same could be said for the repeated use of the phrase "I am back, back to reality" in each stanza. This is repitition overdone and it after reading the same phrase twice it becomes weak and boring to the reader.
Here is your first stanza, I have reworded it to tell the same message just as plainly but with a little interest for the reader below.
It feels ugly, it feels painful, it feels bad
It feels lonely, it feels dreadful, it feels sad
But I am back, back to reality
It is ugly, painful and bad.
It's lonely, dreadful and sad
But I am back, back to reality.
Do you see what I mean here?
Keep on writing as we all learn writing by writing!
Thanks for sharing your poem here with us all at WDC. The theme of the poem, hiding behind layers of masks is one that many poets have dealt with which makes it difficult to make such a poem original. The repitive lines within your poem make it more difficult for the reader to be drawn into the poem.
I was once told to have faith in my ability to choose the right word. With that faith then to understand that if the right word is chosen in the first place then it need not be re-said! Once is enough to say any thing so long as you say it well the first time. So I shall herein pass on this advice to you. Say it once and say it well.
I would also advise you to really own the poem and to let the reader know you, the you that is behind the mask, so they can relate to you well.
thanks for sharing your poem here on WDC. I have taken the time to be more specific in my review of your poem because I identify in you the desire to express yourself in your poetry in the best way you can. If my review seems harsh it is because I want to pass onto you what I have learned and how you can learn to write better poetry.
Your poem theme, crossroads of life, is one often used in many genres of writing and so that makes it harder to make it original. As an avid reader of poetry I ome across many repeated themes in poetry and as a poet myself I am only too aware of how hard it is to be original on well worn themes.
To turn a poem on a well worn theme into a poem that screams 'original' you need to find an aspect of your topic that is personal to you but very specific to your experience of the topic at hand. Phrases such as those below would achieve this and do demonstrate originality.
I stand at the junction of Self Doubt Lane and Uncertainty Way
or
There are three paths before me, the stony road to ........... the mountainous trek of ...... and the Lane of ....
In these examples the author/narrator (me) really owns the experience and identifies the crisis immediately to the reader in very few words.
I found your poem to be too wordy. You will fid over time that editing out words that do no real work in the poem will definitely add strength and form to your poetry.
eg.
Your first stanza works just as well when you remove several words and it becomes stronger in feel.
How many times have I been at this junction?
It is familiar and I find myself staring,
paralyzed by fear, down each road.
If two words in your line, or successive lines mean the same thing consider whether you need both. Redundancy weakens writing and bores the reader. ie staring and looking mean basically the same thing so I removed looking.
Do not start lines of poetry with the words 'and' or 'but'. They are weak and do nothing to help your poem. Use concrete phrasing in your writing. Solid and dependable. Each opening word of a line needs to take the reader somewhere.
The direct quote from Proverbs is out of place. Your poem would read better if you paraphrased that quote into your own words. This applies likewise if you had a direct quote from Wordsworth or Shapkespeare. If you want to add a scriptural reference to poem, please add it at the end as a footnote as references should be.
Lists of questions do not a stanza make! Reword these into statements. Too many questions become wishy-washy in the mind of the reader.
Your fifth stanza could be reworded in a way somewhat like this:
I am gripped by fear
I can't trust my choice
The right path lies amidst the wrong paths
I have made mistakes before.
Will I choose correctly this time?
The things I have demonstrated here in these examples can equally be applied throughout the poem and in the ed you will have a more concise poem that is built on the foundation of originality and shows strength in your words.
Please do keep on writing.
Kind Regards
Cheryl O'Brien
This personal story of a meeting between two romantic souls is pleasant in its simplicity.
I would like to see you do this story justice by editing it, use a word processor programme if you like, and correcting your spelling errors, also there are several word choice errors you need to attend to.
Your story would be made stronger if you let the reader know a little more about the deatils of the people in the story and try using more of a show, rather than tell narrative.
thanks for sharing your poem here on WDC. It is great to see new writers sharing their work here.
Being a poem of a personal nature makes it harder to review it, I don't want you thinking my comments have anything to do with you as a person or your worth. They are simply comments about the art and craft of poetry.
In your poem you over-use the word 'worthy'. A word that is repeated so many times loses its strength. Try using a thesaurus to find words of similar meaning and changig some of the 'worthy's in the poem to other words.
Each line that asks a whole question should have a question mark of its own, not just at the end of each stanza.
Try rewriting this poem with more of a telling narration rather than just asking question after question. The constant list of questions does not make good reading.
Do keep on writing. It is important to remember that all writers need to edit and rewrite their works and that my comments are here only to help you think of your writing in new ways and to stretch your talents and skills.
Thanks for sharing this poem here on WDC. It is always good to see new writers on the site sharing their work.
I found your poem interesting, though felt it needed some editing, rather than ramble through so many stanzas before you get to the story of the boy and the bucket I feel this poem would be made stronger by getting to the point a little sooner.
This simple and pleasant poem could be improved, I think by only using the word beauty in the title. Thereafter it becomes redundant and your last stanza would read better if you simply wrote "The hand of God guiding a new born child into life".
Repetition often weakens the strength of a poem and quite often a poem will stand better without it.
Please do keep on writing and sharing your work here on WDC. You do have a good way with words.
your poem has a ring of originality about it and I enjoyed the read very much. Your simple form of poetry with its easy style and almost lilting rhythm is deightful to read. I would like to see a little more meatiness in your writing.
Do keep writing and working on your poetry.
Kind Regards
Cheryl
Thanks for sharing your poems with us all here at WDC. I enjoyed this read and relate very well to the feelings that this poem brings up. I think you have illustrated well the relationship of some adult daughters with their mothers. I see in this poem the pain of a daughter trying to have a relationship with a mother in life and even in death and the pain that it causes.
WOW! This poem is strong and the images are powerful. I like the way you paced the poem and the ending is really good too. The second last stanza is excellent.
I think this way of writing must really suit you. Well done. Keep on writing.
thanks for sharing your short story here in WDC for us all to read and enjoy. It is difficult to tell a whole story in such a short format however I feel you have managed to do this quite well. I enjoyed the read and felt the end was a surprise, in that I did not guess how it would end which is unusual, I usually know just how a story will end by the time I've read the first two paragraphs.
Thanks for sharing your gangster haikus here with us all at WDC. This is an interesting use of haiku and you use it well. This group of haiku tells the story well and shows the difference between gangsters who are so because they have little choice and gangster who choose to be so as some kind of rebellion.
thanks for sharing this poem with everyone here at WDC. This poem tells a nice story, in a nice way but feels very cliched. To give a poem a more original feel it would be ideal to concentrate on some crisp fresh images and turns of phrase. Writing poetry that stands out from the crowd takes a few rewrites and a lot of patience on the part of the writer.
ie.
A couple of days off from the mischievous,
devlish office, where I spend my days.
taking our the daily grind cliche instantly gives this poem some freshness and draws the reader into your poem.
thanks for sharing this poem with us all here at WDC. It is always good to read new writers work and Although I am not offended by content you may be wiser to rate this poem as an 18+ with the swear words in it. Not sure about that but think it would be wise.
As for what the poem says and how it says it. I think that the swear word is appropriate in the sense that it is used here. The story behind the poem is one of such human struggle and pain that it requires strong language.
thanks for sharing this poem, Troubled, with us all here at WDC. It is always hard dealing with the inner monster that dwells in us all from time to time. You have expressed this human state very well. I enjoyed this poem and hope you will continue to write poetry from the heart. I related well to this piece and have written along the same lines myself in several poems.
One thing you could consider doing to make these thoughts and feelings more creative is to think of that inner monster as a being and write the whole poem as a metaphor. I did this quite successfully with a poem where I used the metaphor of a dragon as the inner monster.
thanks for sharing your haikus here with everyone at WDC. I have a particular fondness for the haiku as a form of poetry because it forces the writer to condense, condense, condense, which is quite an art. These haiku, although not in the traditional style do follow much of the traditional format, 5,7,5, syllable counts, telling a story in the three lines by making the first line your introduction, second line the body of the story and the third line your conclusive line. Haiku are particularly difficult in the English language which is not geared to such succinctness, and just as brevity is said to be the soul of wit, it is the heart and soul of haiku.
thanks for sharing your poem here on writing.com. I enjoyed this gentle little poem very much. I felt that you managed to write it line by line almost to the beat of a gentle waltz... which fits well with the poem content. Well done, though that just might be the way I read it.
Thanks for sharing your poem here and giving me the chance to comment on it.
On problem many poets face is writing poetry that does not strive to be poetic sounding. You fall into the trap in this poem of trying to make it sound poemy. ie
"The feeling of aloneness begins to encroach upon my soul."
Try just saying what is instead. like:
aloneness encroaches on my soul
You also tend to use a lot of cliches which can tend to make you poem sound less than original
phrases such as 'pain stricken face', 'alone in my travail' etc are cliched.
try instead to show the reader your pain stricken face than to tell them about it.
ie. my brow contorted in deep ridges, my teeth gritted etc....
likewise with the aloneness... try to not tell the reader about the aloneness but rather show them.
Thanks for sharing this story with us all here at WDC. I have known several people who were multiply placed in foster homes during their childhoods and I know from what they have told me that the fears and feelings that Casey experiences in your story.
Your story is a good story that would be ideal as a children's story.
Thanks for voicing your opinions on WDC. It is time there was something else, not only in USA but worldwide we need radical changes politically. I live in Australia so only have a passing interest in USA politics but find that Australia's political life has been strangled by a two party system for as long as I can remember. There are no real radicals, no real visionaries, no real people involved in politics anymore. Once the world was managed by visionaries and radicals. Now it is suffocating under professional politicians who go from school to universtiy to politics.... minus any real life experiences...
I am sorry my computer is not functioning properly so I cant go to the website you refer us to, and so wish you gave more of a review of the man and what he has to say than what appears here.
thanks for sharing this prologue with us all. The purpose of the prologue as you say is to hook the reader into the story. For this reason I would suggest that you take a close look at the first sentence of the prologue.
"It felt like they had been struggling for hours, yet it had only been minutes."
This is wimpy language. It holds no strength at all.
You need a more powerful opening line.
I would suggest you drop the first two sentences altogether. I would also suggest you give the young man a name so that your reader can begin to empathise with him. Likewise for his sister who will find out about his death and his date!
Giv us real people to feel for.
Keep On Writing
Kind Regards
Cheryl O'Brien
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