Right off the bat, it was a little off-putting that there wasn't much backstory for the first chapter except "Oh yeah, and also our dad is an inventor and he divorced our mom", but as I read on I figured out that it wasn't that important. What bugs me though (No pun intended) is that this is a short story that is separated into chapters. I feel like the chapters should be longer, if the story is supposed to be like a chapter book, because each chapter seems to just be a summary of a chunk of the story. Or maybe just don't make them separate chapters at all. I was also confused because we are never shown how the machine is destroyed, other than *insert fire here*. What caused the fire? Don't get me wrong though, I liked the story. It had an interesting idea, the grammar and spelling is good, and I like how you set the tone. You labeled your story as dark, but while it was certainly melodramatic, Heather is mostly very happy and calm, which is comforting.
I think the dramatic tone is conveyed pretty well, especially with the rhyming and the personification of the ocean and the ship, and although I found some of the rhymes confusing, good poetry does that sometimes so I'll let it slide. I also think that you should fix the grammar in certain places, but other than that I find the different text sizes and colors kind of distracting.
It's good, but I sot of think it's too long, and one other thing...
Don't use Comic Sans.
Just use the default font.
You need to click a couple of times to switch to Comic Sans. If the bad font requires more effort to be used, why use it at all?
But anyway, the writing itself is pretty okay I guess. I don't really have an opinion about that.
This is one of the most immersive things I've ever read. This amount of detail works well, since there is no one but the main character to really pay attention to. Basically, the detail doesn't distract from anything important.
This makes me feel like eventually in the story something really crazy and weird is going to happen. But that might just be the experience talking (Twilight's castle, anyone?)
Otherwise, I love that the main character is thankful for what they have, and frankly, they remind me of my sister. Basically, you have a relatable and well thought-out character, in an environment that is very detailed, and because of that one character there that is described by what they like and that only, the amount of setting detail works.
I'm sorry I didn't give a more thorough review, but I really don't want to read this over and over for hours.
This is a great start to a story because of a few things:
1. It gives a little bit of background. Since it is implied that Danny has been to this bar before (duh), we don't need to be overly descriptive about it, but we do find out a little information about it.
2. Even though this section is pretty short, it's immersive because of the detail. There is just enough description to think about what everything looks like without too much filler.
3. The relatable character of Danny. I really don't know how to describe him, but despite the length of the section, he seems very realistic to me. The only thing I can think of is that he's not perfect, and that is vital in storytelling.
The most minor, teeny tiny, flea-sized nitpick I have is that I feel like the word "Bar" is said too many times in the first couple of sentences. But overall, this seems really polished.
I look forward to more from you. :)
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