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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Chapter Five Familiar Stranger

Devon




Crystal spun under Phillip’s arm once more and he again caught her against himself. The conversation had lulledcomma and she was counting the seconds until the dance ended. She caught sight of Dawn dancing with a dark-haired Creole at the other end of the floor, period Crystal smiled and raised her brows in question when Dawn spotted her observing them. Her sister smiled in return and with a shake of her head said that she’d tell her later. Once the dance had ended Crystal thanked Phillip and went off in search of Dawn. As she scanned the crowd, she saw Rose slip out onto the terrace comma by a young sandy haired boy who Crystal recognized as June’s little brother, John. She was about to follow them comma and stop whatever it was they were doing when she noticed Charles coming from that direction, his eyes flickering over the crowd obviously seeking her.

Quickly she turned and headed the opposite way, Rose and her young friend forgotten. When she had made it a safe distance away from Charles, she continued her search for Dawn, whom she spotted moments later surrounded by a group of young men, one of whom Crystal recognized as the Creole she had been dancing with earlier.

When she joined the circle the men greeted her with extravagant bows as they kissed her hand, seeming delighted to have two beautiful young women in their midst. Crystal waited patiently while they all took their turns greeting her and then, as quickly as possible, excused herself and Dawn from the group. All seven men watched them leave, disappointment apparent in their faces. Finding themselves alone with no female company, the men scattered.

“Having fun?” Crystal asked Dawn, steering her towards a small alcove with a bench.

“Oh, yes.” Dawn sat down on the bench and pulled out her fan, waving it back in forth to cool her flushed face. “I do believe the de Mandevilles’ have outdone themselves this year. This is the grandest ballroom I’ve ever seen.” she said gazing around the lavishly decadent room.

It was only now that she was away from Charles that Crystal even noticed the decorations, and she had to agree the de Mandevilles’ knew how to show off their wealth. The staircase was garlanded in roses for a full three flights. Vases on mantels and brackets filled with fragrant flowers made the room a fairyland. The ladies in their gorgeous costumes of lace in every color imaginable, decked out in jewels and plumes, made the illusion even more real.

“It is lovely.”

“But, Crystal, you don’t seem to be enjoying the night as you should be, didn’t anyone tell you? This is your engagement party.” Dawn smiled brightly, but when Crystal continued to watch the crowd forlornly, her face fell. “Are you still having doubts about Charles? Crystal surely you realize that love will come with time. You only have to be patient, marrying Charles is the right decision for you, I know it.”

“That’s what everyone keeps saying, Dawn, but I don’t know, what if they’re all wrong?”

“How can everyone be wrong?” Dawn took Crystal’s hand. “You two were meant for each other, and Charles loves you, Crystal, isn’t that enough . . . for now?”

Crystal sighed. “I’d like to say it is, but something in me– something I can’t explain– says differently.”

Dawn rested her chin on her fist and raised one eyebrow as she smiled. “Now you’re just saying that to be dramatic.”

Crystal felt a hint of a smile come to her face, but it disappeared instantly. “No . . . no I’m not.”

Dawn started to speak but Crystal cut her off. “Dawn, you don’t know him like I do, you haven’t spent the last five months listening to him talk. There’s something cruel about him. I feel it when he looks at me– the way he looks at me. It makes me shudder.” Crystal finished, as she did just that.

A hint of concern covered Dawn’s features, but then she shook herself and the look was gone. “I think you’ve just got a case of premarital woes,” Dawn said with a grin, obviously trying to lighten the mood. period. However, when Crystal continued to look down cast, she changed her tone. Squeezing her hand comfortingly she looked her sister in the eye. “Crystal, I can’t erase your doubts, but I can tell you this: When I see Charles I see a good man who loves you deeply and will take care of you. What else can you ask for?”

Crystal stared at her sister for a long moment, letting her words sink in. Maybe she was right, maybe she was just having ‘premarital woes,’ like Dawn said. Giving her sister a weak smile she nodded. “You’re probably right, and I suppose it’s a little late to be having doubts. I should just enjoy my engagement party, after all I’m only going to be a single woman for a few more months.”

“That’s the spirit!” Dawn laughed as she rose to her feet, pulling Crystal up with her. “Now let’s go see what Rose is doing out on the terrace alone with that Allian boy, shall we?”

Crystal burst out laughing. “You saw her too?”

“Of course, I’ve been watching her ever since I caught her out there with him the first time.” Dawn said with a mischievous grin.

Crystal threw her head back in laughter. “Oh, this shall be fun.” she said excitedly, the conversation of seconds before momentarily forgotten as she started off, arm-in-arm with her sister to the terrace.

Another hour passed– in which time Rose ran blushing from the terrace, followed shortly by a shamefaced young man,period Charles cornered Crystal by the piano were spshe exclaimed that she’d been looking for him everywhere, and Katherine found Crystal and began fussing at her for not dancing with Charles enough. It was When the last note of another waltz with Charles faded that the chime of a small silver bell caught the crowds attention.

Pierre de Mandeville stood before the hearth straight and tall with a bell in his hand. “If you could all give me your attention for a moment please,” His strong voice reverbrated around the vast room. “I would like to start by thanking you all for coming, many of you have been invited to our ball every year since the turn of the century, when this house was first built. And that same group might have noticed that my lovely wife, Eleanor,” Pierre gestured with his glass to his wife who was standing at the edge of the fireplace. “has spared no expense, from the fine wine we are all enjoying, to the gorgeous decorations. Nothing was left out this year, but my friends I did not do this for you all,” There was a low murmur of laughter across the room. “love you though I do. This ball, in fact, is for a special occasion, an occasion that I’ve been waiting for for a very long time. But I’m not going to be the one to reveal the secret to you, after all it’s not my secret to tell. So, Charles, if you would.”

Pierre embraced his son heartily,periodCharles' response wasn't obviously stiff, but you could make out the riged spset of his jaw if you looked closely. Letting go he turned, a broad grin masking the barely noticable disdain, and took his father’s place in front of the fireplace. Pierre stepped back beside his wife grinning from ear to ear. “Thank you Father for the introduction,” Charles began, with a stiff nod of his head. “Ladies and gentlemen, If you know me you are most probably aware that long speeches are not my strong points, so with no further ado let me introduce Miss Crystal de la Chaise.”

As one the crowd turned to her, and she could tell they knew what was coming

Crystal walked slowly towards Charles feeling like her heart would pound out of her chest. She couldn’t breathe, everyone was watching her, this was it. There was no turning back, after tonight she would be the future Mrs. de Marginy de Mandeville.

She really couldn’t breathe.

Her feet were moving forward, people were whispering and giggling,periodSome of the young woman women were glaring menacingly at her, but she wasn’t aware of any of it.If she was unaware of it, how could she know they were glaring? She felt suddenly trapped, how had this happened? How had she promised herself to a man she didn’t love? Hadn’t she always told herself she would marry for love and only love? She wanted to scream. She wanted to run. But she did neither. She just kept walking towards her fiancé, towards her fate.

Breathe!

She finally managed to suck in a breath just as she reached Charlesperiod He took her hand and planted a light kiss on her fingers. Plastering a smile on her facecomma Crystal faced the crowd around them, glad that she didn’t have to speak, because she wasn’t sure she’d be able.

“It is my great pleasure to present to you–.” No, don’t say it! I take it back! I don’t want to be your wife! But she had realized that entirely too late. “–my future bride, Crystal de la Chaise!” Charles’ voice boomed across the room, his words were followed by zealous applause, and for the next fifteen minutes Crystal and Charles were swarmed as the crowd gathered to congratulate them. Crystal spotted her mother weeping happily on her fathers shoulder as she watched them from where she stood with the de Mandevilles,’ who were both beaming.

When the throng around Charles and Crystal finally thinned Eleanor announced dinner, and they all filed into the diningroom.

Charles led Crystal to the far end of the table, helped her to sit, and then took the seat on her left. Under the table he rested his hand on her knee. “I think that went well don’t you?” he asked, giving her knee a squeeze.

Crystal smiled weakly and looked down at her empty plate. At least it’s over , she thought trying to lift her own spirits and failing miserably.

It took a bit of time for all the guests to get settled,period Charles was laughing and entertaining those closest to him within moments. Crystal was glad that he was so distracted comma and all she had to do was nod and laugh with the rest of them. One of the last chairs to be filled was the chair to Crystal’s right period To her surprise Mrs. Chalmette of Acacia Plantation, a friend of her family and personal favorite neighbor of Crystal’s, was the one to fill it.

“Crystal, dear, how are you? I suppose congratulations are in order. Though I must say that I never really thought you would end up with someone like Charles de Mandeville, not that it’s my business.”

Crystal glanced over at Charles to check that he wasn’t listening before replying. “I never did either, Mrs. Chalmette, to be honest.”

“Ah, well I guess that’s just the way life goes.” Mrs. Chalmette replied, and then changed the subject, her voice slightly eager as she began. “I haven’t gotten to Oak Alley in recent weeks, is that mare of your father’s doing any better?”

Crystal smiled, Mrs. Chalmette was a dramatic woman in her mid-forties with bright red hair and a long sleek nose. She was nearly six feet tall and though not considered beautiful, Kate Chalmette was a handsome mother of six fully grown children. She often claimed that horses had more sense then people, and Crystal had half a mind to agree with her. Because of Mrs. Chalmette’s shared love of horsescomma she visited often to examine new horses bought or born at Oak Alley. Last time Crystal had seen her was at the end of February when she had come to Oak Alley to see a sick horse.

“The mare is just fine, Mrs. Chalmette, she was up and running only days after you left. I must say you do have a way with the beasts, my father speaks most highly of you.”

“Yes, well I’m sure your father speaks highly of everyone. He’s a bit of a softy, Mr De la Chaise is.”

At that moment more than twenty slaves filed into the dining room carrying large trays of food. On the menu tonight, Crystal observed, was cold meats, salads, salmis, galantines quaking in jellied seclusion, and an infinite variety of `a las, all of this was served from side tables, leaving the huge expanse of carved oak for flowers trailing from the tall silver `epergne in the center to the corsage bouquet at each place. Various wines in cut glass decanters and iced champagne were poured into Bohemian glasses. Illuminating all of this were wax candles in crystal chandeliers, and along the table as many as a dozen silver candelabras brightened the room.

After about an hour– in which time Crystal distracted herself by conversing enthusiastically with Mrs. Chalmette and almost completely ignoring Charles, who didn’t seem to notice– supper plates were cleared. Crystal’s of which hadn’t been touched, and the dessert trays were brought out. The selection was vast, custards, pies, jellies, creams, Charlotte Russes, a home-concocted sponge cake spread with raspberry jam encircling a veritable Mont Blanc of whipped cream dotted with red cherry stars. Towers of nougat and caramel, sorbets and ice cream served in little baskets woven of candied orange peel and topped with sugared rose leaves or violets. Everything looked so perfect she didn’t want to touch it, and her stomach was in complete agreement with that decision.

The meal lasted for almost two hours and, to Crystal, was the most pleasant part of the evening because Charles was so intent upon his conversation and food that he barely found time to speak to her. After supper there was more dancing, Charles became even more sly about fondling her, to the point that she had to simply refuse to dance with him at all. He tried to find a way around this by suggesting a walk in the gardens which Crystal agreed to only because she knew his parents had taken another stroll as wellperiod. When he realized his parents where there, Charles didn't try anything. he didn’t try anything upon realizing that fact.

It was past midnight when the time finally came for them to leave. Crystal, who had been waning for hours, bid the de Mandevilles’ goodnight along with her parents, and let Charles escort her to the coach. Her parents immediately disappeared inside, but Charles was in the mood for a long good bye. He kissed her hand numerous times, told her he was the luckiest man alive more then she could count, all the while trying to pull her away from the coach door and out of the view of her parents. He finally gave up when she claimed that if she did not return home soon she would surely pass out on the sidewalk. He kissed her cheek in final goodbye, whispering as he did so “Dream of me.” But instead of putting images of himself in her head as he’d intended, Charles managed to do just the opposite, push himself out of her mind. Instead, she thought of the man she really dreamed of. to be replaced by a man she really had dreamed of.

A horrible image of a man laying on the blood soaked ground, his chest slashed open. Crystal stared blankly at Charles’ retreating back as the scene from her dream flashed through her mind,period The sudden vision twisted her heart and sent her emotions reeling. She stood there for a full minute trying to pull herself back together before turning to Big Ben, who stood patiently waiting to assist her into the coach. “Thank you, Ben,” she murmured, her gaze still blank as she glanced at her mother and father.

Taking the seat opposite them, she leaned against the far window and closed her eyes feeling retched for so many reasons. She could hear Dawn and Rose outside saying the last of their goodbyes, she wished they’d hurry. She desperately wanted to be alone.

“You did well tonight, Crystal,” Katherine said, and she felt her mother pat her on the knee. “Though you could have payed a bit more attention to Charles during dinner, the two of you barely spoke the entire time, not a good sign considering you just got engaged.” Their mother was not one to drown you with compliments. She preffered a healthy layer of critiscm on top of flattery.

Biting back a retort that she would later regret, Crystal sucked in a breath. All Katherine had cared about since Crystal and Charles had begun courting was how Crystal treated Charles, it had never occurred to her to consider how Charles treated her daughter,periodCrystal couldn’t help but resent her for it. She knew it was her mother’s greatest ambition to have all of her daughters marry well and be happy,periodSomewhere along the path to that goal Katherine had become completely focused on the marry well part and had forgotten about their happiness.

“I’m sorry, Mother, forgive me for disappointing you.” Crystal said, her tone almost sarcastic, though neither of her parents seemed to notice.

“I didn’t say you disappointed me, darling, I was only suggesting that you pay a little more attention to your fiancé at meal times.” Katherine gently admonished, oblivious to her daughter’s anger.

“Yes, Mother,” Crystal said shortly, she once again leaned her head out of the window and observed the people on the streets, ignoring Katherine and James as they began discussing the success of the night.

Had it not been for the de Mandevilles’ ball the streets of Canal would have been overflowing with people. As it was, young and old alike strolled leisurely down the sidewalks, or sat drinking refreshments at the many café’s along the street. Some stopped to chat with friendly acquaintances, others called greetings as they walked along the median– a belt of lawn extending down the entire length of Canal, adorned with beautiful flower beds and small lush trees. How can she see all of this under street lights? A bit of description of shadows and dark corners might bring the late hour of the night to the reader's mind.

New Orleans was a city that was more active at night then during the day. As soon as the sun set, activity began to rise. The levee and parks filled with people escaping their houses for a breath of fresh air. Billiard rooms resounded, music struck up, and the city erupted into life.

A few buildings down the street was the bank that Charles would one day have complete control over– as he had reminded her at least ten times that night. Was that all he cared about? Money and power? He hadn’t even been concerned that his father would have to die for him to gain command over all the de Mandevilles’ property. The giant building was designed to be a Greek revival, built on a foundation of stone it had twelve giant columns surrounding the front entrance, each beautifully crafted. The roof was arched, with exuberant molding, and the image of a scale was carved into the front. Charles had given her a tour once and she had known that he was showing off, but she had been more willing to play the game of a smitten female then, and had exclaimed over every detail. What an idiot she was!

Giving the bank a final glance, she started to pull herself back into the coach, but stopped when an odd sight caught her eyes. A huge dark shadow emerged out of an alley beside the bank. There were few lights near the building and it was difficult to see, but the shadow struck her as odd.

She stared wondering what it was. Then let out her breath– which she hadn’t realized she’d been holding–. It was a horse, but then a smaller shadow emerged out of the banks front doors. Leaning farther out, she tried to get a better look, it was a man. The bank was long closed at this hour, what was he doing? Staying very still, she watched as the man walked over to the horse and mounted. The horse slowly walked forward then paused in the lamp light, and her heart skipped a beat.

Could it be?

He was too far away for her to be sure. But there was something in the way he sat on the horse that was familiar. Of course it could have been her mind playing tricks on her after the long night of dancing and stressful announcement, and she had been thinking about him only moments before, that had to be it. But even so she had to be sure.

Scooting over to the other side of the coach, she called out to Rose and Dawn who were still talking with infatuated suitors. “Forgive me, dear sisters, but my stomach seems to be ailing me. If you would like we will go home now and send Ben back for you.”

“Crystal, what on earth are you doing?!” Came Katherine’s appalled voice from behind her.

“No, Crystal, we will be right there. Hold on.” Dawn called back in a cheerful laughing voice, then turned back to the young gentlemen.

Frustrated, Crystal slid back to her seat and checked to make sure the man was still there, unaware of the shocked look on her mother’s face. He was under the light, though she could not tell what he was doing. Then the horse started forward into a brisk walk.

“Crystal what in heavens name is so important that you would embarrass us so?”

Crystal ignored the question, her thoughts focused on the man and his horse. He couldn't leave without her even knowing if it was him! She jumped again to the other window. “Dawn, Rose.” she called out sharply causing more the one person to look at her oddly and her mother to begin trying to discreetly pull her back inside. “If you would please, it’s getting late and I am feeling quite ill.”

Rose threw her an irritated glare and then whispered something in Dawn’s ear. Turning to Crystal she called. “Very well,” Bidding the young men a reluctant good-bye, they headed to the coach. Crystal went back to her window searching for him in the shadows, Katherine looked too outraged to speak.

Where is he? Crystal leaned farther out the coach, she scanned the streets, but he was gone. Her chance was gone.

She felt the slight tilt of the coach as her sisters got in. “What are you looking at?” asked Rose looking over Crystal’s shoulder out the window.

“Nothing . . . it was nothing.”



Rose shrugged and turned to Dawn to gossip as the coach lurched and began to move. Katherine opened her mouth, obviously ready to let loose on Crystal, but Crystal quickly apologized so throughly that Katherine fell silent.

Crystal lay her head against the door, tired and disappointed. It probably hadn’t been him anyways , she thought trying to console herself. Why did she want to see him so badly? She had just gotten engaged, why was this mysterious stranger at the forefront of her mind at all? As they rode past the bank the alleys were dark, but empty. They moved on at a steady pace. The sound of the hoof beats against the cobbled street was lulling her to sleep. But then it got louder. Realizing it was not just their coach that was making the sound she sat up straight and looked out the window. There was no one there. She leaned out farther to see behind them. No one. Once again disappointed, she started to lean back inside. That’s when she saw him commain an alley not fifty feet from hercommahis face covered in shadow, but still his face. He wore all black, black hat, black boots, everything, just the way he had been in her dream. It was nearly impossible to see him, and yet she did. His horse stepped forward, and Crystal realized he was watching her too. A stunned look on his face as he watched watched, repeat word, the coach pass. Their gazes locked for an instant, and in that gaze she felt a terrible heartache and a choking longing that made her catch her breath.

In a moment he was gone, melting into the shadows once more.

Crystal watched the alley he’d disappeared into, until they turned the corner and it was out of sight.

She was barley aware of the rest of the drive. It was nothing short of a miracle that she had seen him again. Now she knew that there really was something to her dream. It meant something, maybe she could help him, save him, somehow.

Only later, when she sat It was only when she was sitting at her vanity tablecommabrushing her hair later on, she realized she began to realize it would be nearly impossible to find him, someone she didn’t know in a city as big as New Orleans. No. It was a foolish idea. She couldn’t go wandering about by herself. She didn’t even know his full name– or if Joseph was his name– and if Charles found out he would be furious, not to mention the reaction of her parents. Was it really worth it? Praying for sleep she crawled into bed not even caring to braid her hair, the night had been long and she had thought her thoughts would be consumed with Charles and the plans for her wedding, but when she closed her eyes all she could see was the stranger and his anguished green eyes.



plot

The plot continues to captivate and evolve as it should.

characters
the characters are vivid in spite of the too long sentences.
grammar
a few commas missing here and there. More periods help shorten sentences and make it more readable.

style/voice
The style is very much suited to the time period.
setting
Well done. Only when they travel home at night, dead tired, could the description of the setting be improved.
overall
Excellent work. Just a bit of tightening here and there are in order.


2
2
Rated: E | (3.5)
--Chapter 2--

I was there again, in the glade, with its dream-like beauty and allure. I felt a sense of Relief flooded my body – it was such a refreshing change. This time I knew immediately that somehow this wasn’t a dream; I had no doubt that it was real.
I took in all the details, things I knew had been there – the waterfall gurgling into the pond, the cool moss carpeting the forest floor, the fresh breeze rustling slightly through the leaves – and new things I hadn’t failed to notice before – how the colors were bright and pure, but flowed together like a watercolor painting, and how at the edge of the woods there were some sort of interesting flowers that threw their scent into the gentle wind. Though nothing had visibly changed since the last time I had been here, I felt that it was different.
There was another presence, something else in the strange world I had been brought to, that hadn’t been there before. There were those a few things I hadn’t seen at first. I knew they had been there the whole time, but the feeling they gave me was definitely something new.
In my perceptiveness My perception pulled me past the clear waters tothe presence I sensed. , giving me a longing I longed to see further into the thickness of the woods and I hoped to catch a glance of what was out there. Like the glass ball around my neck had awaited the spear of light, something was waiting for me, calling to me – I could feel it.
Just ahead I saw a sudden glimmer within the forest, a faint something beyond the trees. I felt my name whispered into the wind, almost as if the draft had blown unswervingly into my mind, my heart: ‘Kara…’ it called me forward by the very base of my spirit, my longing to discover, and to finally feel the sense of belonging. Drawn to the light, my feet moved of their own volition without command, and with each step the glow grew brighter, more distinct. Before I knew it a high arc, broad, strong and defined, had appeared before my eyes, and a slight feeling of déjà vu washed over me.
It was a door.
Sparkling in the sunlight, elaborately decorated with intricate carvings of a variety of unknown beasts and creatures, it stood before me, majestic in the golden rays. Though in the middle of the woods, the door did not seem to be out of place; rather, it seemed to have been there all along, simply going unseen. Its sturdy frame was inlaid with many colorful, glittering jewels that I had no name for. They cast , casting miniature rainbows across the ground at my feet.
Standing only a short distance away, I gazed up at the top where a shimmer had started forming into words, as thought the sun itself were painting the curving letters:
'Open the door to your Imagination'
Entranced, I marveled at the door and its powerful beauty, basking in the light that poured over my skin, when another flicker caught my eye. In the very center of the door was a great seal, a decorative lock, imprinted with the symbol of a half sun – half moon. Where the two pictures became one, an indention indentation held them together, impeccably round and smooth – a perfect sphere.
My heart skipped a beat as I reached for the gem around my neck, my palm sensing the smooth spherical shape/c} warm against my skin. I pulled the necklace over my head to see that the indention indentation and the pendant were the same size. Before I could stop to think, I pressed the jewel into the socket.
The lock began to glow and sparkle, sending even more beams of light dancing across the mossy ground. There was a loud 'click' and the door parted slowly with a low groan. I looked through the doorway, but saw an entirely different scene than what existed around me.
Outside the doorframe, the forest still stood, nothing had changed. But within the glorious framework of the door was yet another world, different than this one I was in now, unique and bright – an opportunity that had never been offered to me before.
It was an open gateway that beckoned grandly for me to enter.


>>>still changing things, its not the final copy, bear with me!<<<







plot
this is a beautiful piece full of imagination. I have shortened it a bit as you can see. Go sparingly on the adjectives. You do not need them as you choose words that are descriptive enough.
characters
You draw the reader in through your main character.
grammar
a few mispells and some passive sentences

style/voice

I like the style, it is dreamlike and full of apt symbols.
setting
the setting is magic. Very well done.
overall

Keep going. You have a wonderful imagination and good writing skills.
I am still a bit puzzled about how the indentation 'held them together."


3
3
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! Does that ever describe me and a whole lot of other authors like me.
I am a novelist, though and I cannot rate this poem other than for its content which is great.
4
4
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart**Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart**Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart* *Heart*
*Heart*
*Heart*
*Heart*
*Heart*

First Impressions

I really loved this piece. To bring history alive the way you do, and to show how the struggle between dogmatic attitudes and and a search for truth has been going on forever makes it a very worthwhile story. You write very well, but it still could use some improvement.



In Terms of PLOT. . .
What worked well:

the plot of course is historical fact

What could be improved:

Sometimes you are a bit fuzzy and need to keep your description of different characters clearly separated.

Her father, Theon, my friend, was determined to produce the ‘perfect human being’ as he says (Osen,1974). Many think that he has. Of course, he is a professor of mathematics at the university as well, so he had access to many resources and took charge of her education.

You could be clearer in this paragraph. Comment on the father in a separate paragraph before you tell more about her.

In terms of CHARACTERIZATION
What worked well:


Your main character comes alive and you take care to be true to the historic character that you write about.
The fictional character who tells the story is also very real.

What could be improved:
Perhap some tactile qualities other than sounds, like smells, or colours that the character observes would add to this piece.


In terms of SETTING
What worked well:

N/A

What could be improved:
N/A

In terms of TONE
What worked well:


Your tone shows very well the controversy between those who seek the truth and those who are threatened by it.

What could be improved:

Have your character feel the anger of the Christians toward this woman that he reveres so deeply.

When we did, the extent of their depravity was overwhelming.

It seems a bit distant. Can he feel rage in his body, feel overwhelmed by what he sees.

Her limbs had been torn from her body. Her voice was silenced.

Can he feel shocked that her voice will not be heard again. All those great truths that she taught are killed when her body is killed.
SPECIFICALLY. . .

What worked well:




What could be improved:

the ending. everywhere things were changing, but in what way?

Overall:


In the first paragraph I was curious who you meant by "her." Perhaps you should give the name Hypatia firsthand.

Take advantage of the library and . . . many great teachers (who lived there).

a friend of my mentor (who) very kindly invited me into his home

The political climate is very tense. . .

Why the sudden shift from past tense to the present tense with this sentence?

interested in knowing?”

What are you interested in knowing (hearing about her?.

“I know nothing of that field, but am told that she has a number of inventions."

I would drop the "that have added to it.

(Osen,1974).
Make this a * and then a footnote since this is not an academic paper

was determined to produce the perfect human being and many say he has.



He feels that all dogmatic religions are false.

Did he actually say that or are you paraphrasing? It seems to me that such a great man would suspect that dogmatic religions contain a great deal of falsehood, but to make a trite statement that "all dogmatic religions are false?"

I think that is one reason that her popularity is tolerated

Awkward. Better to say something like: Many people tolerate her popularity

She is very beautiful.
Repetition of what you said earlier.

I had planned to go with you, but won’t be able to if I can’t get any sleep.”

I could go with you, but that means I must get some sleep, it is getting late.

were obvious as Christians by the way that they dressed. I understood that they didn’t favor her teachings

I could tell by the way they were dressed that they were Christians, those who were against her teachings. I was shocked by their violent anger towards her.

Just some suggestions. You can do it. Go for it.















Wisecrone

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