I don't say this to many people but I think you are a gifted storyteller. This was immediately engaging and flowed beautifully. I cared about the characters because you provided snapshots of their lives and experiences with real skill. You've even got the flow of a speech writer; one can almost hear it as if skillfully narrated.
Like here: "I had a busy life. A husband. Children. A successful career." You convey a lot in that rhythmic way, and then move on to the present without bogging down the prose with too much of the past. Or here: "But through her eyes I begin too to see the Hamburg of her teenage years." (Instead of something like "I can see it through her eyes") - there is a very appealing musicality to your sentences.
I know a little German and have visited there twice, so was able to read most of the story without translation; the way you've told it, though, one doesn't even need to understand the words. The surrounding scenes and emotions make everything powerfully clear even without them.
Hello! I am reviewing your true story as you requested.
First, regarding grammar, there are a few places where you use sentence fragments (as in the second sentence of paragraph 2) or could use a comma (as in paragraph 3, after the words "at the campsite"), but for a casual and anecdotal tale like this one, those things are not really a big deal.
There are a few places where you refer to "Jim" -- but since there are 3 people named Jim and you have nicknames for each, it would be clearer to use the appropriate nickname to avoid confusion.
Your story is cute and fun and relates well the "lesson" the bear learned - though I'm not sure "suckered" is the right word in that last paragraph...maybe you could just say:
"The twinkle in Schwartz-B's eyes showed me there was nothing wrong; before tossing a tin can that sent the bear scurrying away, he replied, "You knew that Smokey can already handle a shovel - but now, you've taught him how to use a rake!" "
I remember well the "Smoky the Bear" commercials from the 70s and 80s, and this story reminded me of those, as well as put a smile on my face. I'm glad there was no dangerous incident involved and everyone was safe.
What a poignant, heartbreaking poem. You have met the requirements of the Ravenfly form without anything ever sounding forced or trite.
Your details bring the scene into clear focus while providing a vivid backdrop for the gentle end of day coinciding with the end of a life. Without stating it outright, you imply many past visits to the lake and a long history coming to its gentle end. Beautifully sad.
I loved your story - so full of rich detail and beauty. I was drawn in easily with your expert prose and as startled as Xiong at the shattered glass and its resulting, unusual blessing. In such a short work you've imbued incredible metaphor, color, surprise, meaning -- and helped your reader understand a lot of Chinese culture in subtle ways that do not resort to preaching or instructing. Really incredible work. Awesome writing!
This is a fantastic A-Z poem! You've worked some rhyme into it as well, seamlessly meeting today's prompt for the Writer's Cramp. It was a lot of un to read -- "color" me impressed. Write on!
This could be a minstrel's song played for a group of merry festival-goer folk. I loved it and could almost hear the minstrels playing a rollicking melody! Congrats to you for your Writer's Cramp win today. I'm very interested in reading more of your work.
I love this. Now you *really* have to read Anne McCaffrey's books. In her word (Pern), girls are the ones who impress the golden eggs, just as in your piece. You weave lovely language with easy rhyme and a solid story, into a fantastic poem! Thank you for helping celebrate Writing.com's 23rd birthday.
Love this contest and very much appreciate the opportunity to compete with my fellow poets! Your contest inspires me to write more - and write better. I am grateful and will continue to participate as I am able.
Hello! I am a fellow entrant into today's Writer's Cramp contest (and sometimes I'm a judge). I loved this entry! I think you really knew how to work within the strict form to give your reader a sense of image and feeling. Images like photographs move outward, upward too, into concepts.
It's as though you started focused in to tiny detail and then slowly pulled back for a broader view. I read it several times and enjoyed it more each time. Bravo!
This is a great response to my (admittedly) ignorantly unscientific Writer's Cramp prompt. You have a great writing style that keeps your reader's interest and tells the story with clear, concise language and great dialogue, with the added benefit of scientific facts. Bravo!
I like the way this looks on the page, and how you've developed the poem. It builds in line length as it adds meaning and images. The short phrases and single words separated by periods adds to its stark, empty tone.
My favorite line is: Two Bits for Fare. Red Light Pallor.
because it adds dimension and is indirect.
The last three words, separated by wide spaces, add to this too. I'm so sorry for your loss.
What a lovely way to remember your mother. I like how you include both edible and inedible elements (and words themselves, as in the lyrics to Yankee Doodle Dandy) as ingredients in your recipe. It feels soft and sad at the same time. The 2nd to last stanza is particularly powerful, with the tears taking longer to boil than anything else.
This is lovely and at the same time sharp. I like how you've used visuals (with shortened lines and the spacing in 'slowbeats') to emphasize and bring alive your meaning. The word "icebox" brings your reader back to your father's day and time - I remember my own father saying it, and his mother as well -- and how their generation shoved their pain and feelings "to the back of the shelf," as you describe. Love how the glacier melts and thaws in the last stanza. It feels like a great fatherly affection.
What a clever raincloud shaped-poem! I enjoyed reading your take on April Showers while successfully avoiding. Great use of alliteration and assonance...your poem seems to gather speed as it goes along, much as water would running down a mountain stream in spring. Best of luck to you in the "The Taboo Words Contest ~ On Hiatus" .
Another goodie. And another cool form I've never heard of and now want to try. I'm loving your work. Who the heck gave this 3 stars?
This reads like a Moody Blues song - you've woven lyrics, methinks. I felt compelled to read it several times, to savor the phrasing and taste the sounds. I love questions in a poem, especially when they evoke images. And that last couplet is stunning: "senses breach the fences of compromise" is such a uniquely crafted idea. Nothing trite here. Thanks so much for sharing!
You're now one of my official "favorites." I love when poets try different forms as well as free verse, and you're so good at it! You don't reach for fancy language or over-wrought metaphor, and nothing feels forced.
I kind of want the butterfly to be a she. Can the butterfly be a she?
With all that rhyme it could easy fall into the realm of sing-song-y tripe. But no! It's very sweet - and never saccharine - with a wink at the end. Nice!
OOOh this is lovely. I'd love to try this form, because yours is inspiring with its gentle flow and crisp, inventive images. I do love a fireplace, and could almost feel the warmth from the one you've conjured. Thank you for sharing.
Hello! Fellow writer's cramp-er here. I really enjoyed reading your dystopian short story. It flowed very well and held my interest all the way through, and you worked the required phrases in seamlessly. I wonder if it could be expanded into a larger tale. I want to know what happened, and whether they find freedom! Thanks for sharing.
Love that shiny black ribbon - well deserved. The perspective of 'soon' as a thousand years away is appropriately jarring, though maybe you could take it even father and make it a million. Would that be even more powerful? Maybe not. I'm nitpicking, because this doesn't have much to pick apart.
I did kind of want the lines broken up differently. For example, you've got:
The moth moved apparently aimlessly
amid the motionless mannequins of the mausoleum.
Corpses clad in transparent parchment,
fine thin and brittle, long dead and dusty,
grinned or gaped, without mirth
in silence stretching eternally.
There's so much alliteration and sound-play that you could stand more of it on its own, to slow it down for impact...maybe some visual onomatopoeia (with "fine" and "thin" standing alone), like this for an example:
The moth moved
apparently aimlessly
amid the motionless mannequins
of the mausoleum.
Corpses clad in
transparent parchment,
fine
thin
and brittle, long dead and
dusty, grinned or gaped,
without mirth
in silence
stretching eternally.
I especially liked how you anthropomorphize the light, here:
Light trod hesitantly here, faltered and,
died
...though I wouldn't put a comma after "and" -- you don't really need it, especially since you separate the next thought with a line break.
Also, you use "amid" twice in the second line of both stanzas one and two; I wonder if another word in one spot or the other would work better and avoid repetition.
I think the poem's greatest accomplishment is in asking "when," providing an answer, and still not revealing *what* is going to happen when the thousand years are gone- yet providing enough detail and mood for the reader to imagine any number of dark answers.
I am reading this because I also wrote a poem in the Dark Dreamscapes contest; "Invalid Item"
This is so darkly lovely - I loved this particular photo prompt but couldn't think of a good way to use it. You've done a wonderful job.
My favorite lines: Listening to soft shrieks
as the tree keens and withers,
helpless against igneous assault.
You utilize rich alliteration/assonance (without being overdone) and the imagery you have crafted comes to life easily. You strike a beautiful balance between story and sound. Good luck in the contest; I would not be surprised if you won!
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