Partially true, eh? What part? It was an intriguing read. I just have a few comments and suggestions. My comments are now green, and quotes from your piece are blue. (The comment/quote sets are also numbered.)
Spelling, Grammar, Etc:
1. She hadn’t moved a muscle, except for her eyes to spring wide open.
Something is amiss in this sentence. "except her eyes sprung wide open" maybe... Or "...except her eyes, which sprung wide open." or something
2. The deafening silence was so loud she could hear the train roaring as her heartbeat sped out of control.
Seems a little contradictory, no? Or perhaps it's just a little too figurative for me.
3. couldn’t here a sound
"hear"
3/5
Opening & Closing
Dig the tension in the opening. Brings me right in. Had me fearing I was gonna have a heart attack from all those pizza, donuts, and burgers I've been eating lately.
Intruguing ending. It left me kind of lost in space though... (See #4 under plot/storyline)
6/10
Characters/Characterization:
1. You do a good job bringing the reader in with the main character and her panicy wake-up, but then she seems a little too together. You know, there's an attacker in your room, you start thinking about jumping out windows, and objects near that can be used as weapons, or just plain freak out before you think of the consequences. You main character seemed very together, as if she did this regularly, which other things point to that not being true. Afterwards, you'd think she'd run screaming (or just terrified) out of the house, to a neighbor perhaps, and call the police. Also, she continually returns home to face this, alone and doesn't seem to tell anyone... Seems off. If this is a dream, it could then work. (see #4 under plot/storyline for more on it being a dream and working better.)
2. In this long a piece, it's nice for your character to have a name. You know, once you name it, you get attached. Similarly, when you name a character, it helps the reader sympathize with 'em. Of course, if there's some reason for the lack of name... (once again, see #4 on plot/storyline)
4/10
Scenes:
1. cloak of darkness, slipping silently through the house
Nice. Dig the alliteration.
2. It had been a hectic day at work.
Not so smooth a transition from the previous scene to this one. You might try adding an asterisk on the lines between the paragraphs or something.
3. I like the tension contained in the first instance. In the second one, she seems more tired with the whole thing than scared.
4. I dig the tension in the first few scenes. I'm kind of dissappointed by the lack of it in the following scenes. You kind of regain it again towards the end, but in the middle, I don't feel the terror. I feel more bored/tired with the charade.
7/10
Plot/Storyline:
1. She had no options. She could wait there silently
I thought she had no options... No window in the room? & you also name a few after that.
2. Does she work at night? It being pitch black, I assumed it was nighttime. Yet, she leaves to go to work. She seriously waits that long, with each minute seeming like an hour? Or does she work really early?
3. near her only exit.
What happened to the back porch? & windows? Does she not have windows, or a garage/side door?
4. I see what you're trying to do with the plot, and it's intriguing , but it might be a little too mysterious. I, the reader, need some explanation for those last two lines. I wonder when that happened and why and how.
6/10
Thoughts/Pure Enjoyment/Creativity:
This is certainly a creative piece, and I dig the ideas behind it. This piece just is warring with itself, not guite being the supernatural tale you might have intended, but also not quite going so mainstream. If the tale is supposed to be all mysterious like, kind of out of focus, I'd add a more "mainstream" part to explain. (By mainstream, I just mean the more standard stuff, which would entail most of my suggestions, like a name & #1 under characterization.) Or, you can mainstream the whole story using my suggestions in Characterization #1 and still retain the twist at the end. (Though, a bit of explanation of those last lines are still in order. For mainstreamed though, I'd add some confrantation with whatever was watching her in the basement.) I do really like the story, as I said, and would love to see which direction you take it in. ::has random attachment to the piece::
4/5
Layout/Style/Content Rating:
Seems accurate. A little more description of the gist of the piece might be nice in the description, though, to make it more reader-friendly.
~*~Overall~*~
A great story that just seems a little confused and dragged in multiple directions. A little editing can cure that easily, though. May the muse be with you, and I hope you find this review helpful, ~*~Rater~Moon~*~
30/50 or 3 stars
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