Hello Anita, You asked for my opinion on your work, and I'll try to give you a review to the best of my ability. I don't know if I'm the perfect person for the job, however, because fantasy/Sci-Fi isn't really my thing. However, I've recently finished the Sunrise Course in Fiction Writing at the New Horizons Writing Academy here on Writing.Com, and I've learnt a whole deal about writing stories. I'd like to share some of that with you. Maybe you'd like to do some of the courses yourself? Of course this review is only my opinion, and you know how subjective opinions can be.
Just before I read the two parts of your story, I went to check out your Biography, and I see that you're only 15 years old? That makes me so jealous, because you have such a long way ahead of you in terms of time. I only really started writing recently as well, and I am more than 20 years past my 15th birthday.  I'm also envious of your courage, because when I was 15, I didn't have half the courage that you have now. I think these two things are very much in your favour.
But I'm sure you'd like to get to the real review.
General Impressions: I actually started reading the Chapters first, before I came back to read the 'About the Story' bit. I felt a bit lost, but then when I came back to read the background, I realised that you've lost your first story when your pc crashed. The thing is, if you really want to develop this into a series, like Harry Potter, for example, there is nothing else to do but rewrite the whole thing. At the moment it feels like starting to read Harry Potter from the second book onwards. I would never do that, because the first book sets the scene for everything else. I'm sorry if this is not good news. 
Setting, Plot and Characters: Here you are one step ahead of me as well!! I've written a few short stories - some of them more like sketches - by now, but I haven't got 'the big idea' yet. You have the idea, and you've even started developing the setting, plot and characters, but it's a bit fragmented at the moment. Again, this may be because you lost the first story, but again, if you really want to draw the reader into your story from the beginning, you have to rewrite that first story. You have to paint the pictures you have in your head in such a way that I (the reader) can experience it with you and your characters. At the moment, you have it all in your head, perhaps, but I don't. Does this make any sense?
Technical Aspects: This may have to do with our age differences, because you are from the cellphone/sms writing-style generation, and I'm a huge stickler (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stickler) when it comes to spelling and grammar. It may also be that English is not your mother tongue. This is also my problem, because you are never as comfortable in a second language as in your native one. It's all OK to write for yourself and for fun like you've done so far, but if you want to be taken seriously as a writer, and if you want your manuscripts to be read by a publisher and not be thrown in the nearest bin, you have to show them that you are serious about writing, and that you take your craft seriously.
One of the ways in which you could do that is to make sure that you write with proper spelling and grammar. Having full stops after sentences and starting each sentence with a capital letter are such basic things that I shouldn’t even have to talk about it. These days, spelling and grammar checks are so much easier jut with the click of a button on MS Word. Just be careful of words that have different spellings but sound the same, because the spell checker won't pick that up. A good dictionary is any writer's best friend. I have about twelve or so on my shelf, and I use them every day. Oh! Plus Dictionary.com of which I gave you the link above. You also have the advantage that you are still in high school, and if you really work hard, I am sure you'll be able to improve your writing ability by 200%. I'm sure I sound exactly like a schoolteacher! Please forgive me.
Last but most important: Please don’t be discouraged by my long and intense rambling. I’ve had to face the same stuff – and much worse – from my teacher in the course that I recently did. One of the biggest things that I’ve learnt here on Writing.com is that you have to have a thick skin and not take critique as a personal insult. Once you’ve learnt that, Anita, you’ve already half won the battle.
Kind regards
Helene - Missing being here!  
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