Hello Lilith, my name is Helene. I found your Valentine story on the sponsored item list, and I would like to make some GPs. I saw that you were ‘hiring’, but I would probably not make that cut, since I had never studied literature at the university. I started writing a few months ago, so I would not deem myself as an expert.
I've completed the Sunrise Fiction Writing Course at the New Horizons Academy here on the site, and what I’ve shared with you in this review are things that I've learnt there.
I know they are on the verge of starting a new course, and I’m not sure, but if you’re interested, they may still have a spot. The contact person is Boos girl . It was a very tough course for me, but she taught me a lot in eight weeks.
Of course this review is just my opinion, for you to do with as you please.
Setting: What do you mean with the ‘deranged’ coffee shop? Do you mean ‘insane’ or ‘in disorder’? If ‘insane’, is it just because the owners also sell candy? There is a chain of coffee shops in our city that sells chocolates, and they are the most popular coffee shops in town. You’ll have to convince me if ‘insane’ is the word you want to use. If it’s ‘in disorder’, show me with a physical description that the shop is in disarray, but before you do this, decide whether it’s important for the reader to have this information, because I’m not sure that it is.
Plot: I came across the following titbit about writing a plot the other day:
If an author writes, “The king died and then the queen died”, there is no plot, but if s/he writes, “The king died and then the queen died of grief”, s/he has a plot line for a story.
A plot is a causal sequence of events – the "why" for things that happen in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.
You can read the article and what follows thereafter here:
http://www.learner.org/interactives/literature/rea...
Your story was about your character’s dislike of the valentine’s idea, but then we found out that she was only pretending to protect herself from being disappointed if she didn’t get a valentine’s day of her own. This is why Andrew’s surprise was so successful – even more than it would be for a girl who was into the valentine stuff.
Is your second sentence, “It seemed more of a place to take your kids to if you felt like living in Hell for the day rather than a place to relax and enjoy a good cup of coffee.” necessary to further your plot? If you want it in, you’ll have to make the link with the rest of the story clear. Why would anyone feel like living in hell for an afternoon? Even worse, why would someone feel like taking their kids to hell for the afternoon? Do you see what I’m getting at? You must let me see and hear and feel and smell and taste this coffee shop with all my senses. Then you will place me (the reader) in that scene with you. If it is insanity/disarray that you want me to sense, show me what in the shop speaks of insanity/disarray.
It’s not that you can’t do sensory description. You’ve done it really well in the paragraph where you describe the scene with Andrew at his place:
Teacup candles were hanging from fishing lines in a dozen different areas of the ceiling. Dark red candles glowed on the floor surrounding a plaid blanket, which had been thrown loosely over the floor. Two wine glasses rested beside the blanket with a couple dishes of grilled chicken and steamed vegetables, covered in a tangy looking sauce. I smelled the wood burning before I heard it crackle in the fireplace beside me.
Characters: You’ve managed to build strong characters in such a short story. We know that your main character is, in spite of her pretences, an utter romantic. We know how she values real love every day – not only on Valentine’s Day. Since the reader finds out that she's pretended her disgust with the hype of the day, s/he may wonder if the main character has also pretended to be irritated with the kids. Is she perhaps jealous of the two couples? Is that part of the irritation? This makes your character mysterious, and I want to find out more about her. It would have been nice to know her name though. It's easier to identify with someone if you know h/is name. It's easier for me to write this review now that I've seen your name is Lilith - much more personal than just M Blackwell.
We know that Andrew is romantic as well. He is a clever guy, because he has seen through all the main character’s pretences. He is brave, because he takes a chance, even though he knows he may be rejected.
Technical Stuff: I’ve picked up some grammar and spelling slip-ups here and there, but I’m a stickler when it comes to grammar and spelling. Maybe it’s just my thing, because English is not my mother tongue, and I have to be extra careful:
• Note the apostrophe in the possessive form.
... they nuzzled together in the booth, drinking from each other’s tea...
• Your second paragraph starts in the simple past tense, but then it suddenly changes to the present perfect tense, and then back again to the simple past tense:
... It perplexed me to see them so inexplicably happy. I've seen the mother in this place before. She always looked tired and angry...
Keeping verbs in a paragraph in the same tense is something that I also struggle with, so I try to make a point of reading every piece of my work just to do this check.
This isn’t supposed to be a proofread though, so I leave it up to you to clean up the rest, unless you want me to check it for you, but then I’ll do it in MS Word and send you an attachment – it will be easier.
• I want to refer you to an exercise on the web about the (over)use of adjectives and adverbs. It may be interesting to do this exercise with your story and see what happens.
http://walkthewalkblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/creati...
Favourite Parts: My favourite part is, of course, the ending where the hard shell cracks and the main character turns all mushy when Andrew surprises her.
Another part that made me giggle out loud was Andrew mocking her on the phone:
"Like you haven't enjoyed a good sucking yourself."
General Impressions: I can identify with your main character, because I agree that love should be celebrated every day - not only on Valentine's Day. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy the surprises my husband showers on me on the day though.
Keep on writing!!
Kind regards
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