What I likedGood use of language. Used pathos to engage the reader. I also liked the format you used for this item.
What I didn't likeI could barely her the audio even at maximum volume.
Corrections & Suggestions
1.) "One morning the news was so bad many had been killed in Iraq." A semicolon should be placed between "bad" and "many".
2.) "Soldiers from both the UK and the USA and many innocent, and maybe some not so innocent, civilians had been killed or injured." The sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe if it was reworked...
3.)Re-record the audio so that it can be heard.
You need to continue!!! You have a very good start here and I believe that if you develope this story farther and edit it a bit it will be great. A few suggestions though:
1.)Use synonyms to add variety to your sentences and keep the reader interested. (For example "while the woman carried a pickaxe" change "carried" to wielded) Try the Ideanary located under "Site Tools"
2.)"Did you feel that you had to ware your entire set of armor Riken?" "ware" should be wear.
3.)Change the ending from "The meeting finally began." to "The meeting could finally begin."
Great job and I look forward to R&Ring more of your work.
You have quite a nice poem here. Your use of repetition is great and I enjoyed the contrast between each stanza. I see a lot of potential in this work and hope to see more of your poetry.
If you have any questions about the site, feel free to ask.
Hello there and welcome to Writing
Very nice little poem here.
What I likedAs a chick, I find the idea of a man writing a poem for his love one of the sweetest and most romantic gestures out there. Great job It is also short and sweet.
What I didn't likeNothing. I think it's great
If you have any questions about the site, feel free to email me.
First off, on behalf of the Welcome Wagon, I'd like to welcome you to the WDC community. Secondly, I really liked your story. It's amazing how something so simple can have such a lasting effect on our character. I did find a mistake though. One is that you forgot a period.
Before
"I would rather hang out with my group of girls any day Now I realize........."
After
"I would rather hang out with my group of girls any day. Now I realize........"
Other than that good job and on behalf of my gender, thank you for coming over to the dark side
If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me or click the image below to go to the Welcome Wagon.
First off, on behalf of the Welcome Wagon, I would like to welcome you to the WDC community. Secondly, what a funny story! I quite enjoyed it. I could only find two errors in the entire item (and small ones at that).
One is at the very beginning (great way to start ).
"I am a big black dog, and I've got a long beautiful tail."
The coma isn't needed right there. The second one was at the very end and all you did was misspell hours.
It was a very cute tail*wink* and if you ever have any questions feel free to e-mail me or click the image below to go to the Welcome Wagon.
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First off, on behalf of the Welcome Wagon, I would like to welcome you to the WDC community. Secondly, I really liked the poem. It was quite good. One thing I would maybe change is your teaser. Instead of saying "corporate jungle" maybe say something that ties in with the diver and water.
Good job and if you ever have any questions about Writing or anything else feel free to e-mail me or click the image below to go to the Welcome Wagon.
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First off, on behalf of the Welcome Wagon, I would like to welcome you to the WDC community. Secondly, I think that this story has potential. However, I personally found your use of comas distracting. The story would be much stronger if you used periods or semicolons in their places. For example:
"Mark woke up really early, he opened his eyes and looked at the clock, it was 6:00 in the morning."
I would recommend
"Mark work up really early. He opened his eyes and looked at the clock; it was 6:00 in the morning."
Also "the goonies" should be "The Goonies" as it is a movie.
Your storyline as caught my eye and I believe that, with some minor tweeking, it could be great.
If you have any questions then please free free to e-mail me or click the image below to go to the Welcome Wagon.
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Sincerely,
~Destino Spettacolare~
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