This was an enjoyable, light read. I like how you really give personality to Roscoe. I have just a few suggestions:
- in the first sentence, I would either remove "just" or "really" as using both is a bit redundant
- I would replace "duck" with "squat"
- in the third paragraph, I would put a semicolon after "around"
- in the 8th paragraph, I would replace "this" with "it" - "on top of it"
- in the 9th paragraph, I would remove "hairstyle" as a ponytail already implies a hairstyle
- in the 10th paragraph, "checkout" should be "check out"
- the last sentence is awkward, would reword something like - "Without delay, Shimmy made a beeline for home, with Roscoe leading the way." Don't need the "her," as it is implied it is her home, and the "didn't wait" is redundant, as it says the same thing as "no delay"
Overall, this was a good story. Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Overall, this was an enjoyable reader, and very relevant to a lot of us here on WDC. I have just a couple of suggestions/thoughts:
- I would reword the phrase "Always the goal of becoming a Writer loomed before him," which has a dangling modifier (the adverb "always") to something like "The goal of becoming a writer always loomed before him"
- Reading this, I wonder...what did Dick write that finally got him published? perhaps you could include a small sample of some of his writing
Wow, this really tugged on my heart strings. This is incredibly well-written, as I have never known anyone with Alzheimer's, but reading this I can really feel the heartache and pain it causes. I have a few suggestions, rather minor and not near important enough to keep me from giving you a 5.
* "Frustration made the words sound harsh even to me." - I would add a comma after "harsh"
* "My mother sat quietly in her room looking toward the door as if expecting me." - I would add "she was" and change to past tense - "as if she had been expecting me"
* In that brief moment I knew; my beloved mother was lost to me forever. - I would remove the semicolon and add a comma after "moment"
* No longer the daughter she knew and loved, I stood before her, a stranger. - I would remove the comma and add "as" - "I stood before her as a stranger"
But as I said, these are rather minor. Great work! Keep it up!
Another great tribute to the Lord. My only suggestion actually does have to do with the commas. I know they are meant as pauses, but if you simply make your line break where you want a pause, you don't need the commas. A line break naturally causes the reader to pause. I would also watch the periods - some are fragments, not whole sentences. But these are rather minor things. The message of your prayer/poem is clear. Good work!
This is a sweet/sad poem, and I can effectively sense you waiting. I have just a couple of suggestions. In the second stanza, I would change "or" to "and that" - "and that my willow tree is not dead," as you don't wish one or the other (blossoms and tree), but rather wish both. The other is that in both spots where you use question marks, it would be better to just use one after the second line, as the second line is not a sentence in itself - "will he come for me / while I sit under my willow tree?" And the same with the place in the second to last stanza. Overall, a good poem. I enjoyed reading it. Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Overall, this is a good poem with a good message. I have just a couple of suggestions. One is that I realize you are using informal language here, but I think at least saying "I'm gonna" instead of "ima" would be better, as I don't really know anyone who would say "ima." The only other suggestion I have is to put "what I got" on another line like you did with "your man." Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
This is a very interesting, unique topic you discuss in this poem. The old and the young are seemingly far different, but have much more in common then we often think about. I have only a couple of suggestions at this time. One is that the second senior citizen line doesn't mirror as closely the corresponding child line as the others - perhaps you could make these a little more similar. My other suggestion is that in the line "senior citizen - one to be protected," perhaps you could add some reprimands as you do in the corresponding child line - "watch your step," "do you need me to help you?," etc. Overall, a very good poem with a good message. Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
This is overall, a good poem with great imagery and metaphors brought up throughout. My only suggestion at this time is that I would split this into stanzas. As is, it isn't very visually appealing and might make someone turn away from reading it. Other than that, great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
I like how this is set up, with the first part being a dialogue and the end kind of a wrap-up of the tradition of storytelling. I have just a couple of suggestions. One is that although I realize the indentations weren't meant to show the two different speakers, I still got somewhat confused at parts, although I'm not sure how to make that clearer. The other is that the last line - "that's how legends are born" seems to kind of sit there, perhaps it needs more build-up behind, or needs to be separated so that it stands out more. Overall, a good poem. Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
What a unique inspiration for a poem. I think you prove your point pretty well. I have just a couple of suggestions. One is that in the first line of the second stanza, I would add "the" in front of "love." The other is that I think adding more stanzas about things lovers do that could not be infatuation - giving things up, other unselfish acts, etc. Overall, though, a good poem and I like the confronting tone. Keep it up!
Good poem, I like how you moved through her life. The rhyming worked well, and them message was clear. I have just a few suggestions. One is that in the line "Her life to her was not very pleasing," the "to her" makes the line slightly awkward, as it is already understood - a person's life can only be pleasing to themselves. In the last line, "every day" should be "everyday" since you are using it as an adjective for "life." Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Haha, I'm sure a lot of us have been through something similar (I lost the bottom part of my bikini once while tubing). I love the way you put things, and the details you give about reading your book, adjusting your bikini, etc. The only suggestion I have is that in the 4th paragraph "urging" should be "urged." Great work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
I was not familiar with this event, but you have added enough detail that I feel I know all I need to about it. The description is very good and I like the point you make about a tiger is meant to be a wild animal. My only suggestion is to make the lines that rhyme more similar in length, especially lengthening the first line. Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
Good chapter, and a good start to a book. I have just a few suggestions. In the phrase "a vision of a leather bound book covered her eyes," "covered" doesn't seem like th right word to use here. In the second paragraph, "along side" should be either "alongside" or "along the side." And finally, I think the second paragraph should be broken down into two (possibly more) - it is too long. Indentations at the beginning of the paragraphs would help too. Overall, a good piece. Keep writing!
I'm a coffee addict myself, and definitely know the pleasure you describe in this poem. I have only a few suggestions. One is to vary your word choice more, you repeat certain words/phrases several times..."scent," "flavor," "into my cup." Another is to perhaps form stanzas. And finally, I noticed a typo - in the third line, "soaring" should be "soar." Overall though, this is a good piece of writing. Keep it up!
This is a sentiment I'm sure everyone who works M-F feels. The rhyming works well and never seems forced. I like how instead of just using one acrostic for Friday, you repeat it 3 times. I have just a couple of suggestions. One is that I don't quite understand what you mean by the line "it doesn't really leave the clues," perhaps this is just in the wrong spot or needs to be worded differently. The other is that I think you could seg-way better into the last stanza, where you are no longer talking about more general pleasures, but are talking about writing and reviewing. Good work! I'd love to get your feedback on some of my stuff sometime.
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