This was a very touching poem, and showed the darkest side of September eleventh. I particulary liked the rhythm and structure that you made for this poem. It allows the reader to complete and reflect on more sections of the poem than others, and it also allows the reader to be reminded of what was started earlier by the way you write “a time” repetitively. Very nice work.
These lyrics were very well done. The rhythm stayed fluent and consistent, and I saw no attempt at trying to force rhyme anything. I really liked how you repeated some lines, and didn’t others to give a both different and similar feel each time I read a new verse. Overall, very well done! Thank for sharing! I salute you.
The beginning description of the story made me feel very happy, and the names and words you used to set the story had a wonderful warmth to them. My main suggestion for this story is to make it flow a bit more nicely. It seemed to jump around to me. When I first read it, I thought “This will be such a cute story” which it was, but it surprised me by how it started to play out. For example, after Sheppy died, it seemed as if the children almost immediately forgot about him. You might at least want to mention that they were a bit sad. The business with the fairy was a bit random too, but I realize it has to be there in order for the story to same relatively the same. As far as which ending you should choose, I definitely suggest the first. The second one is far too off-topic, especially since nothing or at least close to nothing was mentioned about a rabbit. Cute story, but work on transitions.
I thought that this was a very humorous short story, and it frequently made me smile and even chuckle. However, it seems a bit random. There is far more description of character than there is of plot, I believe, but I may not have read hard enough. I haven’t read any more of your “Cream Bun Café” stories, which might be why I was slightly confused by the fact that Barbara and Ruby, who I at first thought played major roles in the story, weren’t mentioned often. Overall, though, very funny and very well written. The descriptions of the various Pastors was wonderful—just enough detail to know what they were like, but not too much to bore me.
Listed here are a few grammatical errors that I found that you might want to consider revising for more clarity and easier reading of the story:
In the second sentence, I believe “The Monday Misters” should be in quotation marks. The second sentence of the second paragraph should have a comma after the word “arrived.” When you use the word “so” in a sentence, I suggest using “so that” instead. i.e. “Pots of tea and coffee were set on the table so that they could help themselves” instead of “Pots of tea and coffee were set on the table so they could help themselves.” The fourth sentence of the second paragraph beginning with “Also, two plates of assorted…” is a fragment and should be considered being made into a sentence. “After all it wasn’t every week that a representative of the Pope of Rome” I believe there should be a comma after “after all.”
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