Really enjoyed this story.
I only spotted one typo (weary instead of wary).
The story flows nicely and the characters are believable.
I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Hey, you weren't kidding when you said it was lengthy. Nearly 18,000 words!
You've taken a neat new idea involving economics and science and woven an interesting story around it.
You mention first writing it in 1998 but you've obviously updated it recently because the talk about the US economy and oil prices and such sounds right up to date.
Your main character, Judy, is realistic. She comes across as bossy and not having much of a sense of humour. Poor old Charlie definitely sounds long-suffering! You mention early on that Judy is particular about the family but daughter Jennifer only gets a brief mention after 1600 or so words and we have to wait until 3200 words for a bit more detail. Perhaps some of that detail could have been added at the first mention.
18,000 words seems way too long. There is a lot of repetition, for example descriptions of bags, jugs and various containers of pennies. You could combine some of these and cut out others. I imagine you were aiming for a slow build-up to introduce your characters and make them sound real but I think it's a bit too slow and has the opposite effect. The characters start off nicely but then you find yourself thinking "Get on with it!" The same thing applies to the descriptions of Charlie staying out late or not coming home at all.
You sometimes use over-complicated definitions. For example you say: "Judy is the kind of woman who is well aware of the modern status of 'female gender role '..."
Something less convoluted such as "Judy is the kind of person who is well aware of the modern status of women ..." might be a bit punchier.
Check your tenses. A lot of the time you use the present (Judy is the kind of woman ...) but then you slip into the past tense as in "She disdains having to do the work over again, just to insure that it was done properly..."
Use one or other but not both because it spoils the flow of the story. Considering the action at the end, it would probably be easier to use the past tense but using the present puts a different slant on things and that could be what you're after. If so you do need to be consistent.
You mention that Judy has kept a low profile over the many years she has been at her job and didn't want a stressful position, so the business with Alicia doesn't ring quite true. Anyone who rules her husband with a rod of iron wouldn't let an underling upset her that way. Is she really necessary? A hard drive that died taking a large number of your accounts receivable with it would be stressful enough.
Sidney should be Sydney.
When Chad's black four-door pulled up along side the curb I had totally forgotten who he was!
I think Delorian should be DeLorean but I'm no car buff.
When Judy didn't go down to the basement to check the airtight door I was sure it would turn out to have been left open so that all the copper would have been zapped and Charles' actions would have been in vain. Didn't happen, but in that case why mention it in the first place?
I have made quite a lot of comments here but you have had this story in your mind for 10 years and it has got a lot of promise so I think it's worth going back over.
I hope some parts of this review will be of use.
NB: I am trying to rate items using Comment-In-A-Box guidelines "Comment-In-A-Box" [E]
Hello Dalziel
I really enjoyed this story. It was light-hearted, nicely written and made me smile.
There are a few small things you might want to look at. The brief description says "Homes and Watson ..." instead of "Holmes and Watson..." In 3 "The feds asked we look into a bank hold-up ..." would read better as "The feds asked us to look into a bank hold-up ..." The story flowed nicely apart from the third from last line which seemed too short. Something like:
I sighed and said, "I miss the old days, Holmes."
might have sounded better. I think the title was rather clunky. 'Coffee and a Case' would have been snappier although maybe the 'quick coffee' was a tie-in with the fact that it's a short short story - a quick read?
Hope this review is of some use.
I see that this is your first Holmes and Watson story (checked your portfolio) but I look forward to reading more so keep on tapping those keys.
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The brief description says "Homes and Watson ..." instead of "Holmes and Watson..."
3 "The feds asked we look into a bank hold-up ..." would read better as "The feds asked us to look into a bank hold-up ..."