I've read the short story three times now and I'm enjoying the images created by the writer. I do understand this is a work of fiction, but then again, so was Facebook until it was built. I'm reminded of the exciting early days of the internet. The feeling anything was possible to create and see working online.
I also partook in the excitement of building a website and running a web-based business. While all this may seem like a bit of science fiction at the present time, no one knows what possibilities lie ahead. The author should continue to explore to opportunities afforded by a great start.
Since I'm so unfamiliar to poetry, it is a little difficult to review such work. I can only tell you it did make me visualize certain people I've know. A few as you have pointed out in your last lines have returned from exile, so to speak. I do think poetry is suppose to move the imagination, if that was your intent, well done.
This is reminiscent of a childhood dream after watching a twilight zone episode. Yes, I think a short story could unfold from a start like this, sort of a plot line for TV.
I have rarely read such a well constructed, spell-binding piece of writing. I, first wish to apologize for not getting the review request. I hope it has not put you off. I would be more than happy to review anything else you wish a comment on, in regards to your work. I feel you are already an accomplished writer.
The only point I would make, which is a personal preference, a wrap up paragraph. A way on seeing what might happen. I do understand, letting the reader fill in an end is intriguing, I prefer that wrap up from the authors view.
This will be the first 5 star I have ever given, well done.
OK, you got me. At first, I didn't think this was a poll, I thought it was an article on the usage of a comma. I need that article. Then I hoped, after voting, the results would show, not only the results, but also an explanation of proper usage.
Please, let me know if you write such an article.
The first question I have, is this the proper catergory for this work, or would it fit better in fantasy? The writing is good and I can follow the story well enough. It is not a genre which I follow, so how good it is against others of the same type, I am not sure.
I found the story interesting to this point in the story, just not quite enough to hook me. I am not qualified to give advice on grammar, so others will have to do that for you.
Hi Chuck,
First, let me express my apolpgy for taking so long to review this article. I have been busy with other matters and with my own rewrites.
This issue goes all they way back to the founding of the country under the current constitution, as you mentioned in the Marberry versus Madison decision. I also remember the fellow convicted of a crime, due to his phamplets falling from his window in New York, though I can't site the case.
I think this a fine scholarly article, worthy of publication in any legal journal, if that is where you intend to publish your work. My question is, could you make this simpler for public consumption? I have a distinct reason for this, he is called Donald Trump.
Simply stated, he is tapping into the massive anger at government interference into the private lives of the citizens. There are lots of people which feel this same anger, just approaching the solution from different directions. My facebook page is almost totally devoted to the different views people are adopting. I have every view from those opposed to government intrusion into any area, near to the anarchy scale, those who advocate violent revolution, all the way to people advocating a constitutional convention of States. I do my very best not to take sides on most topics, although I often lean towards a Con Con.
I have taken enough of your time with my review, I would be happy to discuss any of these issues in an email format.
I would also ask you to take a few moments to read at least one chapter of the novel I am writing, Then the Darkness Fell 2048502.
Hi doc15
OK, I am just going through having a look at different writing styles. I am a new writer and as suchI like to see how others are writing. I am no grammar maven, but I like your style of writing. It is touching, sad and hopeful all at once. I hope you continue the story. I sounds interesting. You could expand using the theme of help from above.
Hi Yarndog,
Yes, for your niche market, a really well put together back cover. Intriquing, yet doesn't reveal more than needed. I know a couple of folks who wouldn't be able to resist, if only to argue about your choices. I hope you have done as well on the inside of your book. This back cover will get some to open it surely.
Gosh, two items by the same author on the same day? Never done that before. You can and should write. I love the descriptive way to lay out emotions and circumstances. I have a feel for what the character is going through. That is what I want from a story. A feeling the characters mean something to me. Otherwise, it is too much work. I need to care about the characters to continue reading. You make that happen.
Please review mine. I haven't said good things to influence your review. I wrote what I feel. That is what I need from you. item 2048502
Hello again Chuck,
As you might infer from my title on this site, I once carried a badge. That I have carried lots of different badges might not be so clear. I also worked in corrections. In one of the many positions I held, I worked for and knew Frank Eyman, one of the officers who arrested John Dillinger. I later worked in many other capacities as a LEO.
None of that implies I have any special knowledge, just different experiences to many other people. I only say that as a background to what I have read in your work.
Each and every part of your essay, though it might seem strange to you, I agree with. Both sides of this issue revolves around one fact, we are all human. Well at least most who would read this I think. Therein lies my problem. I have been involved in the arrest of several persons later convicted of murder. Since I worked in a maximum security prison, I've also known a few.
I point these issues out as a distinction from your legal and educated perspective on the matter. Whether you've known such a person is unknown to myself. I doubt you've known them, shall we say on the sharp end of the stick.
That is my dilemma. Give what I wrote above, I find my fear of what might happen, sometimes greater than my fear of a mistake. I would greatly love life to be as clean, tidy and safe as reading this article. The problem is, life isn't that simple.
I do enjoy your work, I must say. It makes me think.
That was an interesting way to get brain cells working. Considering. I'd not had my first cup of coffee, that went very well.
Sir, I will go on past the 250 character stipulation I'm sure, mostly this is a response from the heart not brain. I applaud the scholarly approach you've taken. Depending upo the audience you wish to reach, this was a very well done article. I just don't think, joe six pack, or john tree hugger is going to take the time.
Perhaps, that is your point. I do understand, politics is not a game for pawns. But, neither should the game be controlled by those out of reach by the pawns. Personally, with your capabilities, I would be interested in a Will Rogers approach to the topic. Thank you for your time in reading this review.
On a side note, this is the first five I have ever given.
Kirsten, you write beautifully. Your words create imagination, your descriptions create visions. I am pleased I searched your portfolio to find the preceding essay, to your "Believe". Continue to write, you have what it takes. It is acceptable as an action adventure, though it is more suitable as a travel essay, just my opinion. I am thankful it was in this section, since I would not have found it in travel.
Hello Dogpack,
I am going to do my best to be kind. I am fairly new to the work of writing. When I saw the entry, Book subtitled about writing, clicked quickly upon it. I do wish to learn. I hope you wish and honest review.
Please, please use spell check, before you post. I became so distracted by the spelling errors, I could get more than just halfway through your work. It really is such a simple thing to do.
I am, probably the last person, who should comment on grammar. I won't begin to comment on yours, except one point. I think you have quite a bit to offer, with your insight and approach. The big problem is caused by not double checking your work.
Now, I also have work posted on this site. I would be happy for your review of my work as well, it's item number 2048502 for chapter one.
Arjan,you have the makings of a great story here. I like the theme a great deal. It implies freedom, joy and taking risks. These are qualities everyone should seek out and encourage. Well done. I do like the interaction between the banker and the lady. It seems genuine to me. If, I would make one suggestion, just a few too many words. Try to trim it just a little.
This is a start, but just a start. I really need to know more before I can agree, or disagree. Some examples would help, or even some further view as to what type of criticism you are finding fault with. Many times, for example, a film critics have panned, goes on to become a hit movie. The same with music, or even writing.
It is a great topic. but consider, I used over 400 characters to convey my feelings
Hi AuthorS,
I like the interaction you have going on here in this story. The way other characters are spoken of creates the images I need to see the setting. One thng I would suggest, it appears set in Europe, so Hickory wouldn't work, but Oak would. Another thing I would expect, with all the references to the Church, is a Bishop or Cardinal or any other Church official. The Rulers many times would get money from the Church. This was done to finance the expansion of The Church influence. Just something to consider.
I know you said you'd be willing to have a look over another authors work so here goes 2048502 Then The Darkness Fell. By the way, it auto awards.
Hi There,
OK, so I get it so far. I have my own thoughts on what is going on next, but I am anxious to see. That's the thing about reading, if the book is doing things right, the reader wants to know what happens next. Well done on that score.
Here is the thing though, You are a teen, and you know that view point, I am an OLD ex-cop, so i know a different set of things. If you think it would be useful, I can tell you what might be happening from a cop's point of view.
I am a newbie at writing as well. I can't help you much on grammar, it looks like you spell checked so well done there, that's all good. But, I learned this site has some neat tools to make it easier for a reader. The next time you edit, or change part of this, look at the panel that pops up at the bottom. Advanced will show up there. I am not good at explaining things like this but, find the button that double spaces your work. That makes it easier to read.
Again well done, if you want to look at my writing my Item number is 2048502 Either way write on.
Hi Walker,
Yes I can see this in my minds eye. I and my friends have done similar and worse as teens in High school. The description is crisp and you show me the scene, I like that. I don't correct on grammar or on sentence structure, I have enough problems of my own in that area. What I do go for is story, can I read it, do I enjoy it. The answer to yours is yes.
With all that said. That was high school. Why is this so important to be carried on after you're married? If you had stopped before the last paragraph, probably a 4 rating as is. 3.5. But good enough to tell a reader why. That might send my rating up.
The only emotion left to me is darkness. I can understand the emptiness, I have seen the great plains. I have seen the desert and the dunes. This seems to have no real starting point to set the story in. The ending seems uncertain. It is worth more, more time, more energy, more thought.
I did notice you said you burst wrote it. For that effect it is not bad, but the emptiness a reader is left with is disturbing.
I have lived in Europe now for nearly 20 years. In that time, I have come to watch more closely the Royal houses than I ever did before. I have other reasons, but that is not pertinent here. Your story runs true to my view of Monarchy in those times, with the exception of love and loyalty to the wife. The crown and that which is good for the Kingdom comes first. Countering that may be a central theme of your story, since your work is fictional, it may work to your advantage. I like the story, grammar, punctuation and such, I am not a good reviewer on such matters. As I said, I like the story, I would like to read more. Afterall, isn't that what we want a reader to do, keep reading and wanting to read? Only 4.5 because it is unfinshed work as is mine. Yes, I would also like a review of my work. Write on.
Hello Scribe,
Ok, first, your previous reviews were correct, shucks it was a short story, kind of open ended, with not much to think about at the end.
Now that everything I had to say that was bad is out of the way, I liked the story, at least as far as it went. The bloke you are describing in the story is a prat. He knew he had a pub lunch scheduled with you and made no effort, it would appear perhaps he was even a few minutes late, jerk.
The effort you put into preparation is all the more jarring when his description is described. The reaction to the use of the word "babe" is perfect. I do hope you continue the story. As a man, I love to read, since in know I will never be the fly on the wall when you and your friends, daughters or or younger sister discuss the event. They will I am sure, encourage you to "Give it a go" again. I hope you do, you do deserve better.
By the way, only 4.5 since it wasn't enough and didn't include the discussion. hahaha.
Thank you again for dropping by my timeline on Facebook. I have had a lot of compliments on my photography. I did take all the shots you have seen and thank you for referring to them as AWESOME. I take great pleasure in that remark. It is my understanding, since I took all the photos and took them in places where I was legally entitled to be, they are my copyright. Personally, I can't imagine why they would not be my copyright. I must admit though, since I use a pro-consumer digital camera, it is more than luck or talent. I often come back with over two hundred photos taken on a weekend trip, sometimes more. When I was working in Los Angeles, in the 80's, I had the chance to work with top notch photographers. Two of them made the same statement. In those days, before digital cameras, a photo shoot for pay was usually done on three rolls of thirty six exposure film. Both of them told me, if three shots out of thirty six are usable for publication, you're a pro. Having not forgotten, I take a lot of photos, hoping for the magic to happen. Thankfully, from how people react, it often does.
I will be offering a few of the books for free, you are on the list, as a fellow writer, I am honoured you've expressed interest.
Best regards
Gene Daily
Hello Luka,
OK, you had me right to the end. I would not normally take a look at this type of genre, but it was on the side column and caught my eye. I had no idea what to expect when I began the story. I did enjoy the story though. I am a TV fan from the 60's and must admit, it reminds me of something I might have seen on "Twilight Zone". Well done.
Gene Daily
Hello Looking to the Future,
I do not normally read in this genre. Having said that, I am glad I took the time. I found your description to be consuming. I wanted to know more of how you met, how the attraction began, I guess I wanted to know more of everything. I found the characters easy to invest time upon. I found the characters likeable. The scene was set, though, to be honest, I am not a fan of Thai since I was stationed in southeast Asia during a troubled time. With that aside, which is my memory not yours, I found the scene very believable. I will look for part two if there is one to be found.
Thanks
Gene Daily
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