First, let me welcome you to the site; you will find it full of helpful and talented authors willing to help. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions, and if I can't answer your question, I'll find someone who can.
I'd also like to say before I start the actual review that you have a good story on your hands and I hope you continue to develop it. You've done an excellent job catching your protagonist's inner conflict.
Character Development
I'm not sure if this is going to be part of a bigger story, but there seems to be a lack of development. As a reader, I found Zane's thoughts interesting, but they didn't really help me understand who he was and what was the nature of what he is facing. Hopefully, as you progress through this piece that will become more clear.
Plot
There isn't a lot going on as far as the plot. Beginning with a dream, in a piece of fiction, is a bit cliche. Also, the part about Zane and the monster in the hallway doesn't quite pull me in and engage me as a reader.
As readers, we need to be clued in a little more about what's going on behind the scenes. For example, when Zane says he can't let Ashlynn die again, is he being literal or is he referring to a dream? It's clear that there is a lot going on behind the scenes and we need just a little more of it to more closely follow the action.
Structure
I like the way you build the story and the sentence structure is sound. The flow of the story is very good as well.
Punctuation/Grammar
There are several comma errors which need to be addressed. Also, the punctuation within the dialogue is in correct. While these are not huge errors, they do make the reader work harder to follow the flow of the text.
There are a couple of places where an incorrect word was used. For example, the word "then" was used instead of the word "than."
As I mentioned, you're off to a great start with this story. The things I pointed out are all minor and will be easy to work on as you go through the editing process. I am looking forward to reading an updated version in the future.
First, let me welcome you to the site. You'll find a wealth of information and qualified authors here to learn from.
These short story contests are often a great way to find sources for longer, more in depth stories and this is a good one. The word limit in these contests can tie our hands when it comes to fulfilling the fundamentals of fiction writing.
Character Development
As a reader, I want to know more about Robert. What twists and turns got him to this point. I want to know more about the trip from used car salesman to Presidential hopeful.
And perhaps shed some more light on his final comment.
Structure
Some of your sentences are a little unclear. For example, "Finally reaching the vehicle, the Chauffeur opens the door." This sounds like the Chauffeur opened the door after he approached the car.
Plot
The flow of the story is quite good and the building action keeps me interested as a reader.
Punctuation/Grammar
There are a couple of spots where you use the incorrect inflective form of a word. For instance, I think you meant "President" instead of "Presidency."
Also, there are a couple of punctuation issues in the dialogue.
I think you have a great piece to build on, and I hope you will continue to work on it. I hope to read the next version.
You mentioned that the piece is speculative, but there are some things that aren't clear. First, you made a connection between the second world war and Israel. Israel wasn't formed until 1948.
Secondly, you mentioned the process of destabilization has been undermining "western influence." An argument can be made that such strife has been ongoing for over 2000 years. With respect to Africa, a great deal of the destabilization can, more closely, be connected to infighting than a move to stave off western influence.
You also made the connection between immigration and turning our electoral map red; however, a red electoral map denotes Republican support. Immigrants notoriously do not vote republican.
A counter argument can be made that the uninsured are a far bigger drain on the health care system than immigrants.
I like some of your arguments, but at this stage they are still generalizations. As you work through editing and refining the piece, I think your arguments will lose some of these fallacies.
Also, the piece is a little unclear. You may want to expand on some of your comments, such as, "Economic changes in our market place take form, thru the easing of restrictions, the removal of laws and an overall watering down of policy."
All in all your arguments are off to a great start and with some refining I think you'll have a good piece.
Before I comment on your story, allow me to welcome you to the site. You'll find a lot of helpful and talented writers here.
Plot
The plot flows well, and it's a good start to what would be an excellent larger work.
Character Development
The nature of the piece doesn't really lend itself to a lot of character development, especially given its length. As you develop the story, try to expand on the yours and Mary's thoughts. This will be an excellent way for the reader to get to know you better.
Structure
As I mentioned, the plot flows well, but there are some sentences that seem choppy and are not quite as fluid as the others. The most common piece of advice I give is to find a quiet place and read your work out loud to yourself. The ear has a keen way of picking up things that don't quite sound right.
Grammar/Punctuation
There are some issues you might want to revisit in this category. There are a couple of places where you're wording wasn't quite right. For example, "looking out a crossed the park at the jungle gym" should read, "looking out across the park at the jungle gym."
Also, there are some comma issues throughout the piece. These types of errors make it harder for the reader to follow the plot.
This was a great piece, and I think I enjoyed reading it more than anything else so far. Thank you for sharing it with us, and I hope you expand it.
Before I get to the review, I'd like to welcome you to the site. You'll find plenty of help and encouragement here. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me and if I can't help you we'll find someone who can.
On to the Review.
I like your story very much, and I think your style is pleasing. I usually don't like stories told in the first person, buy you seem to pull it off without the choppiness that first person can generate.
Character Development
I realize this is a short piece, but I think your story will be enriched if you introduce us a little more to both the main character and Mandy. Not so much through description but perhaps though their actions and thoughts.
Structure
I think the biggest issue with this piece is your use, or rather over use, of punctuation. (You have one sentence with 6 commas and one with a semicolon and 9 commas!) It may help the flow of the story to break some of these long sentences into shorter ones. Some authors don't realize the importance of punctuation and the impact it has on the reader. The improper application of punctuation can make the reader work too hard. This, in turn, can cause him/her to lose track of the plot. A trick I use is to find a quiet spot and read my work aloud; the ear is very good and finding problems with punctuation.
Plot
As readers, we go through the whole story and never find out why the group is there and why they are heading to the wooden shack. This is a key point in the plot. There is a big difference between them being chased and them just out on a camping trip.
What I liked.
I like your descriptive wording as well as your phrasing. The action is well presented and the flow of the story is good (all the commas not withstanding.)
I think you have the start of an excellent story, and I look forward to reading it again if you chose to expand and work on it.
Before I get to the review, I'd like to welcome you to the site. You'll find plenty of help and encouragement here. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me and if I can't help you we'll find someone who can.
On to the Review.
I like your story very much, and I think your style is pleasing. I usually don't like stories told in the first person, buy you seem to pull it off without the choppiness that first person can generate.
Character Development
I realize this is a short piece, but I think your story will be enriched if you introduce us a little more to both the main character and Mandy. Not so much through description but perhaps though their actions and thoughts.
Structure
I think the biggest issue with this piece is your use, or rather over use, of punctuation. (You have one sentence with 6 commas and one with a semicolon and 9 commas!) It may help the flow of the story to break some of these long sentences into shorter ones. Some authors don't realize the importance of punctuation and the impact it has on the reader. The improper application of punctuation can make the reader work too hard. This, in turn, can cause him/her to lose track of the plot. A trick I use is to find a quiet spot and read my work aloud; the ear is very good and finding problems with punctuation.
Plot
As readers, we go through the whole story and never find out why the group is there and why they are heading to the wooden shack. This is a key point in the plot. There is a big difference between them being chased and them just out on a camping trip.
What I liked.
I like your descriptive wording as well as your phrasing. The action is well presented and the flow of the story is good (all the commas not withstanding.)
I think you have the start of an excellent story, and I look forward to reading it again if you chose to expand and work on it.
Hi Shadowhunter and welcome to the site. I'm impressed that you posted something on your second day. It took me about a week to get up the nerve.
Before I offer some advice, I want to say that I like your story very much, and I think as you work on it and grow as a writer it will get even better.
Character Development
Your character development is fairly thorough, but it's TOO descriptive. You want to develop your characters through what they say, what they do or what they think.
Structure
Your structure is sound, but there is a couple of places where you might want to rethink your work choice. For instance, the word disagreed is out of place.
Grammar/Punctuation
There are a couple of comma errors that you'll want to fix. The problem with grammar and punctuation errors is that it interferes with the flow of the story.
Likes
You have very good imagery and your phrasing is also good. Also, Rachel is a likable and easy to relate to.
I hope you continue with this story because you off to a great start, and I look forward to reading some more of your work.
I like the story and the underlying premise. I think you're right to expand it and make it a larger piece. However, there are some things that distracted me as a reader.
Development
First and foremost, the structure of the story is very difficult to read. The long sentences and extremely long paragraphs make the story very difficult to follow.
The development of the protagonist is lacking. Throughout the story, the only thing we know about him is that he is a he. As readers, we are looking for an emotional tie to a story's hero. We want a reason to like or hate him, and the more we know about him the easier it will be.
Grammar/Punctuation
Punctuation goes within the quotation marks when using dialogue.
Also, there are several grammar and punctuation errors. The problem with these is that they take away from the flow of the plot and make the reader work harder.
Plot
The protagonist is unable to see his own thumbnail. But, two paragraphs later a female clamps her hand around his mouth. I'm confused as to how she would be able to do that in the dark.
Structure
As mentioned above, so much narration without breaking it up makes following the story a little difficult. Many of the sentences are overly descriptive. Remember, as writers we want to "show" the reader not "tell" them.
Some of the sentences are a little pedantic for example, take the following sentence:
He completed at least one 360 rotation before landed with a hard thud, almost face first, impossible to cushion a landing when you can’t see the floor coming towards you.
The version below allows the reader to use his/her imagination and be more engaged.
He tumbled through the air before landing virtually face first, unable to brace himself in the darkness.
As I mentioned earlier, I think you have a great story and your use of imagery is good. I hope you continue to work on it. I think you can have a lot of success with this piece if you follow through.
First of all, I liked your story very much. I can tell you were happy when you wrote it.
Here are some ideas for you so that in the future you will have an even better story.
Make sure to watch your grammar and spelling. Also, you want to break up your sentences and make it easier for your reader to follow the story.
The biggest thing is to study the rules of grammar and apply them to your writing. Make sure that after you write a story, you read it out loud to yourself. This will help you hear where the story is hard to read. It's an easy way to know what to fix.
I hope you keep working on this story and fix it. It will be really good when you finish it.
There are a couple of grammar errors. Just one example is the first sentence of the second paragraph. You have two independent clauses joined by a single comma. You need to make it two separate sentences or use a semi-colon or add the word and.
Awkward phrasing
He would work hours on end, never complain.
This might be better this way: He would work hours on end without complaint.
There are a couple of places where you italicized the dialogue. Only internal dialogue, a characters unspoken thoughts, should be italicized.
The problem with grammar errors and awkward phrasing is that it forces the reader to work too hard and takes their concentration away from the plot.
Your development of Ash might be too descriptive. You may want to try to develop him more through his actions.
The developing action is a little abrupt so you may want to stretch it out a little more before you reach the climax.
Things I liked.
I think you did an excellent job with the flow of the story and highlighting the relationship with his mother.
I also like the premise of the story and the way you let the reader come to his/her own conclusions about Ash's character and how it developed.
The grammar and typos can be fixed with some more editing. All in all, I think you have an excellent story and I hope you continue to work on it. I look forward to reading the final copy.
I hope this helps and I hope to see you around the site.
I like your story very much. I don't care much for first person, buy I think you've done a pretty good job of avoiding the repetition and monotony it can cause.
There are some grammatical and spelling errors that you need to correct.
to should be too
dear should be deer
are a couple.
At one point you mention looking down to see your tire going flat. This was a little distracting since the entire scene is in the dark. You might want to include how you use the flashlight to accomplish this.
There are several sentences, such as the one below, that are a little awkwardly phrased.
Determined to handle the situation and too proud to call for a rescue by my wife, I pressed on down the road.
Grammar and spelling errors, along with awkward phrasing, interrupt the flow of the story and cause the reader to work harder.
Try finding a quiet corner and reading the text aloud. The ear is very good and finding things that just don't quite sound right.
I like your story a lot and your style of writing is pleasing. There are a couple of grammar errors and misspelled words so make sure to work on your proof reading.
As for the story itself, I have a couple of observations. First, the transition from the two men and the corpse to the young boy and his mother is a little abrupt. I think the two men may be an excellent opportunity for a little foreshadowing.
Secondly, there are a couple of places where the text is a little awkward. As writers, we have free range to make a character's dialogue sound anyway we chose, but we have to make sure that the text moves forward fluidly. Try reading the story out loud and see if it sounds smooth to your ear.
I like the story and enjoyed the style you used to write it. You seemed to pull off the first person without the crippling repetition that it often causes. One thing that you should take a look at is your comma usage with dialogue. I believe the commas all go inside the quotation marks when the dialogue tag is after the quote.
I enjoyed your story very much and look forward to reading more of your work.
Your story definitely has a cathartic quality to it. It's a story that has a theme that we can all relate to on some level. I like the line of development that you followed and the tone of the characters. It is easy to over due the conversation when the text is so dialogue rich. I'm not sure it's an issue but, I think that the parenthetical inclusion is a little out of place. I don't think it's technically wrong but I think it might interfere with the rhythm a little.
I liked your style very much and hope to read some more of you stuff soon.
Looks like you're off to a great start. I really like the way the dialogue flows. Long passages of dialogue can often become choppy and repetitive in there structure, but you seem to have gotten past both those issues. There are a couple of comma errors but you should be able to find those during you next edit. Also, there are a couple of sentences that seem like fragments. I suggest that the next time you read the chapter do it out loud and that should clear up the confusing passages.
I loved the story and the way you told it. I usually don't like stories in the first person but yours came across much more fluid than most. There are some technical and grammar errors that you need to fix. Most importantly, check your comma usage. There are several comma errors. The problem with comma errors is that they can interfere with the flow of the story. Several places you used to where you should have used too. Also, in the fourth paragraph from the end you used "...Steph laying..." and it should be "...Steph lying..." Also check on Who's vs. Whose. In the last sentence you used the word "pleasantly" but I think you meant "pleasantry." I'm not sure about that because you'd have to change the sentence around to make it work.
Fix the grammar errors and you've got a great story in a well written style.
Hope this helps.
Warriorpoet62
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