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1
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
The title attracted my attention. While my perception of ACA, Obamacare, is one of yet another example of boneheaded politics I'll try to give you an honest review of the writing.



The America will be universally insured, and all citizens will be treated by medical physicians; or so it seems. (The America?) (The sentence needs total revision.)

...in the preparation process for just over 2 years has many flaws. (The article is not technical in nature. I would avoid using numbers. Does "just over two years" mean that they have only had a short time to prepare or more than adequate time to prepare for the legislation? - ...in the preparation process for over two years has many flaws. - ...in the preparation process for slightly more than two years has many flaws.)

Many who have attempted to apply for their health care through the official site... (The article is clearly about health care. I would simplify: Many who have attempted to apply through the official site... )

 Among those who oppose the new law, there are complaints that Congress is violating the commerce clause of the Constitution, which grants Congress the power 'to regulate commerce... among the several states.' They state, that "while Congress has used its taxing power to fund Social Security and Medicare, never before has it used its commerce power to mandate that an individual person engage in an economic transaction with a private company." (While it does not show in this review, it appears that a portion of this article is cut and pasted from another source. The change of font style and size gives it away. Even though the opinion may be widely accepted by many, I would include the source.)

There is already a shortage of physicians, and other health care workers, in America, and as the numbers rise of people who obtain health insurance the need for more health care workers will also rise. (Suggest a rewrite: There is already a shortage of physicians and other health care workers in America. As the numbers of people who obtain health insurance rises the need for more health care workers will also rise.)


...only hope that it doesn't take another 2 years before the American government... (Same as above. ...another two years...)

A little editing is all it needs.


Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)

I usually avoid polls. This one I see every time I look at the Political Genre. It is most viewed, so this time I decided to take a look.



Don't ask which President is srewing up your country, ask which President you can srew up with this poll.
Don't ask which President is screwing up your country, ask which President you can screw up with this poll.

Who do you think is the worst U.S. President of the United States, based on your own opinion, no matter how many mistakes they made or not what is your opinion
Who do you think is the worst U.S. President of the United States, based on your own opinion, no matter how many mistakes they made or not? What is your opinion?


I can't vote. The poll has not been updated to include Obama.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

An enlightening little piece. Even doing a little research, only gathering info for a story, can cause a deluge of unwanted intrusions. I now have three tags, Love, PC and Sale. Where they came from, beats me.


A few minor things you might want to look at. Most only slight changes in punctuation or a missing word:

...even when you provide them with hundreds of examples SEO manipulation.) (hundreds of examples of SEO)

(Sorry, for those who may not know, a SEO managers stands for Search Engine Optimizer...) (Sorry for those who may not know, SEO manager stands for Search Engine Optimizer...)

...the internet. I know its mean to say that, but working on the net, you become acutely cynical. (its mean - it's mean) (I know it's mean to say that, but, working on the net, you become acutely cynical.)

Look my friends, only we the users can stop these guys. (Look my friends, only we, the users, can stop these guys.)

Anytime you are asked, for the money before you can see the merchandise. It is a scam, let me repeat this if you are offered a deal, some super secret, information that is going to make you rich, and the only thing you need to do, is pay them for the cost of printing, and organizing the information. It is a scam, not most of the time! But EVERY TIME! (Anytime you are asked for the money before you can see the merchandise it is a scam. Let me repeat this: If you are offered a deal, some super-secret information, that is going to make you rich and the only thing you need to do is pay them for the cost of printing and organizing the information, it is a scam. Not most of the time! But EVERY TIME!)

If you are using Firefox you just click on help, then report fake website... (If you are using Firefox, just click on help, then report fake website...)

I don’t know how to report these issues with MS Explorer they make it hard to report anything I guess they don’t care. (I don’t know how to report these issues to MS Explorer, they make it hard to report anything. I guess they don’t care.)


Wally
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Review of The Seventh Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I guess this would be recent long-term memory loss. Scary stuff.

I'm reminded of a movie from a few years ago. I no longer remember the movie's name or the name of the main character. He awoke every day not remembering the day before. A forgettable story? Maybe, or could it be that I suffer from a longer-term condition? In any event, the theme, as in your very short tale, remains.



The only suggestion I have is to work a little on the formatting. It looks like indents may have been lost when the story was pasted in. Separate paragraphs with a line space. Although some sentences could be combined to make longer paragraphs I think, for this piece, I would leave them as they are.



What would it be like? On a personal level, is this the end of life? In the end, are we little more than our collection of memories?

Certainly something to ponder.

Very interesting.

Wally
5
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well written. You bring up something I have never before considered.

Unless your soil is rich the seed will either not take root or will wither and die.

Only for consideration: The second use of "Me neither." Using an unusual word or phrase twice stands out a little too much. I might use "Me neither" after three or four questions in a piece this size simply to emphasize it, but in your essay it seems to be one too many times.

Wally
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Review of Nonnative Species  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Is that the one they are trying to catch in Florida?

That Larry has probably got a great future ahead of him.

Again nothing to offer in the way of improvement. A great, very short humorus tale ending in a tall tale.

Nicely done.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
An interesting, informative and humorous piece.

A couple points I would add:

Relative to our solar system we are zipping around faster during the midnight hour, when we should be sleeping, than at high noon, when we should be working.

If you want to get out of this global rat-race move to one of the poles.


Well written.

Wally
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Review of Don't Clone Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Interesting story. I enjoyed reading it.

At one point I thought it might be a good idea to update it a little, 1997 , President Clinton, but realized that I would probably not recognize the group names and productions if you did.


Just a few things you might want to look at:

“Yes. Uh… Mrs. Randel? This Principal Kent from Drexel High,” he explained. (This is Principle Kent)

“That was your mother,” Mr. Kent told me. Why is it that adults have such a knack stating the obvious. (a knack for stating)

This was the first time I was actually in the room with both of them when they were discussing your favorite anti-conformist. (your?)

My mother’s words kept ringing in my head. Both his father and I have always said that he was crazy… We’re guessing it’s some kind of paranormal seed. (I would put in italics as thought. At least in quotes.)

That’s when she snapped. She got her coffee mug. It was still pretty full it seemed and she just through it against the wall. (threw)

You wouldn’t have to deal with me. Hell, you’ll even loose a mouth to feed!” (lose)

Out of some morbid curiosity I wanted to know exactly those monsters were planning. (exactly what those)

Finally at the very of the hall there was a bare door. (very end of)

I knew this wasn’t going to end in a very pretty manner as I walked in practically to my doom as a Randel. (?)

But what else what YOU do if life (as you know it) was going up in smoke due to pure evil? (? - But what else would you do)

He snapped his fingers and the two nurses on steroids came had to use brute force to hold me down. (came and had)

The other nurse pressed a button on a computer and the oxygen mask filled up some kind of sedative. (filled up with some)


There are a number of places where a line space is needed between paragraphs, probably lost formatting when pasted.


The writing is clean. It very well represents what might be expected from one of today's entitled teenagers. Only a few of those pesky missed words remain. When you know the story as well as the author does they can be very elusive. I copy and paste while reading, commenting afterward. Some of these lines I had to read a couple of times to figure out what was wrong and why I copied them.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Pretty well written. You got your view across without calling me names or yelling at me. A big plus.

I saw little in the construction to comment on.


As for a little counterpoint:

"With great power comes great responsibility." (Spiderman's Uncle Ben Parker) OK, not the first but possibily the most remembered using this line.

Kim Jung-Un, really? I wouldn't allow him to play with a string of firecrackers.

There are bullies and there are protectors. I guess deciding which is which is only a point of view.


If these reports are correct, then North Korea has every reason to be highly alert and ready for war.

"If" and "then" are dangerous words. I don't know what reports you cite. Brigadier General Neil Tolley? Who later recanted? There are facts and there are rumors or outright fictions. Before I'll consider changing my views I need the facts.



North Korean leadership has finally got annoyed with... (gotten)



Wally
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Review of Memento Mori  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You'll have that when manufacturers don't adhere to ANSI publications.

A quick and effective use of dialog.

I did suspect the ending. With a few changes I might leave it up to the reader to decide the final outcome.

Well written. I enjoyed your story.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Welcome to WDC.

You make some good points. There are only so many jobs and in our competitive world. It is the goal for goods suppliers to provide more with even lower labor costs. It is that or fail. Advancing technology changes everything. Where once it took 100 men to feed a thousand people it now takes only 10 men to feed a million.

People are born and must be taken care of until they become of age where they can contribute to the workforce. At some point, they must then again be taken care of. All major economies rely on an increasing population for this pyramid system to work. Due, in great part to inflation, the base (workers) must continually expand to support those who must eventually leave the workforce. It is a system that is doomed to eventual failure.


A few questions, comments and suggestions:

Why are food prices getting more and more expensive? (Are prices getting more and more expensive? Consider something like: Why is food getting more and more expensive? - OR - Why are food prices getting higher?)

What about those outrages gas prices? (outrageous)

Well, it means there is more competition. for jobs, ... (comma)

Maybe find alternate means of moving from place to place. (This seems to be transportation and not house to house. I would make it transportation. Maybe find alternate means of transportation.)

Become more involved with local businesses and maybe even the politics. (Is this politics in general? If so I would leave out "the", else define the "politics of XXX.")
Our buildings reaching the sky, while the earth below them is becoming hollow. (This is a fragmented sentence, not that I can't appreciate the form when it adds something. Consider something like: Our buildings reach for the sky, while the earth below them is becoming hollow.)

Imagine a world were only the rich can have chocolate? (where)



There is no major problem in the writing. It is easier to see other's errors than our own. Authors know what it is supposed to say and not always what it says. We are simply so close to the work that many times we can't see the trees for the forest. A little more editing is all it needs.


Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)

Nicely done essay.

I don't think we fully realise what we are getting ourselves into. We have two daughters. That's enough to worry about, but now it's also two sons in law and five grandkids.

We have two granddaughters staying tonight. We had all five for three days 2 weeks ago. Grandma and grandpa just ain't as young as we used to be.



Just a few minor things to look at:

Lollieta was my fathers mother. (father's)

...peanut butter and jam sandwiches that magically tasted better than my moms. (mom's - sandwiches implied)

...story of my father cutting off a chickens head for the first time and laughing as it ran around with it’s head cut off. (chicken's) (its)

“You act like a chicken with it’s head cut off.”. (its)

My mother went through and amazing metamorphosis... (an)

Much like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. (Fragment. A fragment can add a slightly different tone to the story. This one doesn't seem to. I would add it to the preceding sentence.)

Hugs were not given often to myself or my siblings... (me)

Kaye, my older sister brought a new twist to grandma hood. (I would probably hyphenate grandma-hood)

...emboldened me to an unfamiliar and redesigned concept of grand mothering. (Hmmm. I would consider inventing a new word, grandmothering.)

...reading a book to her quiet brood of little grand babies. (grandbabies is a word)

I stopped here though there are more. Nothing but a few missed words in a few places.


Wally
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Review of Glimpse  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Glimpse

Glimpse is the right title.

A glimpse of what might have been and into the imperfection of the leaders attempting to change the future by rewriting the past. It appears there was some error in the programming.

A good story on several levels.

Wally
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Review of Bloody  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

She’s certainly a bloody sociopath or psychopath, can’t remember which is which, maybe she’s both, but also has a bit of a sense of humor.

I found the story quite interesting and entertaining. You said it was a work in process so as I read I started to dread that blank coming up at the end.

Since I am a suspicious person I find her lack of curiosity suspicious when she and John first met. So John is onto her.

But, maybe not.


There is little help I can offer other than something for consideration. The story has a very good beginning. Write the end of the story next. Then fill in the rest. In short stories this works for me.


Just a few minor things to look at:

They are probably the most personal relationship I have ever had besides my parents. (relationships)

I was staying at a friends when it happened. (friend’s)

The neighbors and my parents friends didn’t know the difference… (parents’)


Wally
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Review of From The Pigs  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well done. Descriptive without being wordy. Well edited, I did have to look up "centring" and "scarpering."

Hardly Robin's band of merry men. You have to wonder if any of them were pursuing an idealistic, but flawed, agenda or were they all simply a bunch of thugs.

Nicely done story. Glad I read it.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

I tend to point out negatives more than the positives. After all, the story/article is here for everone to read.

In this one I have nothing in the way of corrections or suggestions to offer. The article is well written and well edited.

I rate not on content, but composition. It does not matter whether I agree or disagree. It matters if I feel I am being presented a rational argument or if the author is yelling at me.



Historic landmarks are being renamed because the original name is offensive. Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians...offensive. If our history offends us then wipe it out and replace it. I have a 5 year old granddaughter, I wonder, when she is twenty, what the history of the United States might be.

As a youngster we only had a clear picture on one of the three TV channels. Gunsmoke was not on the one we could receive. It was not until much later that I've seen those old reruns. In one, Matt catches one of the bad guys. After slapping him around a little, he says something like, "If you don't tell me what I want to know, I'm gonna beat you somethin' awful." Clearly not something we, as civilized human beings, could accept today. Well, just maybe, only this one time, if one of our loved ones was in danger.


A defining statement:

If someone wants to discredit a well thought out argument, all he/she has to do is claim the argument is offensive and not politically correct. No matter how logical an argument for or against something is, it will be discarded and thought of as prejudice if someone deems it politically incorrect.

If there has ever been a frustrating moment in my life, this is it. I have always considered myself a logical person, willing to debate, even compromise when facts contrary to my beliefs are presented. This is the ender. This is the point when you realize that you are trying to reason with an unreasonable, irrational person.


Nice done. Glad I read it. You covered it well.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

One of the greatest is the failure of the individual to do the right thing according to their own set of morals, or supposed morals. We have billionaires wanting the government to impose taxes on all multi-millionaires and billionaires, but simply don't understand the concept of leading by example.

We want more from those who have more than we do, but give nothing to those even less advantaged then we are.

We don't like the views given in an editorial, so we attack the author. No thought to free speech or presenting reasoned opposing argument. Just burn the writer at the stake.

We don't like the video games our kids play, sign petitions and have the government ban them, never take personal responsibility for raising our kids.

If all people would only make one pledge, "I will not kill today. I will cause no harm. I will have compassion for my fellow man." then the world would change, but, we live in a world of reality. I am afraid that the best we will ever do is do the best we can in our lives. Lead by example.


Just something I noticed:

All I see is people complaining about how the government are causing... (People is used as singular, government as plural. While I believe people could be either, government is singular. All I see is people complaining about how the government is causing...)


The main problem is not with content, but form. I read two of your stories and the reviews you've given, so I think the problem is in pasting the story. Much of the formatting is lost in the process, including indents. Open the story in edit and put in a line space between paragraphs. As it is, it is difficult to read.

Wally
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Review of Overtime  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I have to admit the ending surprised me.

Too bad another genre couldn't be added for comedy. I could see him fishing in the gravy bowl for the keys.


Just a few things you might want to look at:

...he picked up the hot champagne, wiped the dripping water off the bottle, and looked... (A cold bottle of champagne would likely sweat. I doubt there would be any condensation on the outside of a warm bottle.)

...he put his hand in the pocket of slacks and removed the car keys. (As written, missing "his.")

He grabbed her, pulled her closer, and kissed on the lips. (This might be: kissed her on the lips, but the next line is: When their lips met, she felt as if a robot... I would delete "on the lips" and add her. - He grabbed her, pulled her closer, and kissed her.)
Before she could say anything, the doorbell ring. (rang)

Without looking through the peephole she opened to door and standing... (to - the)


Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

You noticed it too?

Very good, original story.


So, simple words like danger or threat brain region associated with fear,” she continued, sliding her glasses... (Seems something like "triggers a" is missing.)


The writing is clear. Only the same concern over formatting I mentioned before. When pasting a story, much of the formatting is lost, including indents. Make reading easy, you want the reader to get to the end.


Wally
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Review of DFF: Plumber Pain  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

I've had those days as an electrical trouble-shooter. Everything works just as it is supposed to until you turn your back.



Only a couple of suggestions:

When posting put a line space between each paragraph. It is much easier when reading from a monitor. Most of the story is dialog, which makes a lot of one line paragraphs, but it is widely accepted.


The plumber scratched his chin and looked down at the still waters of the toilet. “Well sir, I don’t see anything. No air coming through the water, everything in the back looks fine. I’m not sure what the trouble is,”

“I swear to you. Almost every ten minutes the thing flushes,”

“I recommend you just shut the valve off. I believe you, but I don’t see anything wrong. Just call us back when it starts happening again,”

“Do you mind waiting here, for just a second?”

“Sure, no problem boss,”


NOTE: All your sentences end in commas when a period is needed in the dialog lines.

There is nothing wrong with your story that a little editing wouldn't fix.


Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
But, what about all that great fiddle playing? Without "The Devil Came Down..." we would only have the Beverly Hillbillies theme song.

I think the kid is not a country star for the same reason that the banjo picker, in Deliverance, lives in the swamp.

I can almost imagine the sound that could be made on a solid gold violin.

But really, have you ever heard the song played backwards? It's chilling.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Maybe I'm just a little extra grumpy today, but I gave up after reading only what I thought should be a few paragraphs. Normally I slog through, but today not. It is not a problem with the story or the writing, although I saw a couple of missed words. I usually attribute the problem I encountered to lost formatting when pasting the story. Edit. Don't bother indenting, it is preferable to put a line space between paragraphs, much easier on the eyes when reading from a monitor.


The first part of your story:

“And so it came to pass the greatest minds were evacuated from the dying planet” Ms Dawson droned on, spreading her arms to show some sort of divine judgment. “It’s as if God himself had given humanity a second chance…”

The details of the Mayflower evacs were, of course, old story to Peter - years back the tales of humanity escaping annihilation filled Peter with awe and inspiration, but now he was more interested in what Sarah Gellar had done with her hair than a story he’d already heard a thousand times…

“Beautiful” he murmured

“What is beautiful Mr. Davies?” Ms Dawson was livid, “The holocaust, the nuclear winter or perhaps the preemptive strikes on the third world countries than wiped out a billionth of the population amuses you…”

Peter always wondered how the old coot had such a great sense of hearing.



First, you have to get people to read the story. From what I saw there are no serious problems except the look that it is a run-together-mess and hard to read. Pretty easy fix, just a little editing. Put a line space between paragraphs.

Fix it and I'll be glad to take another look.

Wally
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Review of The False World  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I enjoyed your story. It took a turn I wasn't expecting. I think I was leaning towards a deal with the devil.

Come to think of it, that might not be too far off. Addiction isn't limited to pills and bottles.


A few questions, comments and suggestions.

...hacked off the goblin queens head. (Goblin Queen's)

...attended to him casting spell and applying healing salves... (spells - OR - a spell)

“You know how the Chancellor like his dramatic. (? You know how the Chancellor likes his drama. You know how dramatic the Chancellor is.)


There a number of places that could use a comma. Two below:

Beside gazing upon your beautiful face has me already feeling better.” (Besides, gazing upon your beautiful face has me already feeling better.”)


...suddenly everything thing vanished his kingdom was gone, replaced... (...suddenly everything thing vanished, his kingdom was gone, replaced...)



“Oh, Your truly are brave, facing the... (you truly are brave - OR - you're truely brave)

“I know thats why I love you so!” (that's)


...but then suddenly lunged at man desperately in a last ditch attempt... (order - ...but then, in desperation, suddenly lunged at the man in a last ditch attempt...)

...face but he malnourished body... (he - his)

There ways one way to escape... (last sentence 3rd paragraph from end. Redundant. I would remove it.)

...the aide of the Dreamscape system forever, with out having to return to this world ever again. (without - "without having to return to this world ever again" makes "forever" unnecessary. I would remove it. The sentence reads better without it.)


He placed it upon the side of his head, and weeping tear... (He placed it against the side of his head, and weeping tears...)

Consider removing the last word of the story. I believe the ending is stronger without it.


The story is imagnative. It does need some editing though.

Wally
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Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

A well-researched and well-written article.

I think you did an excellent job expressing your feelings on some very valid issues.

Best of all, I never got the feeling that you were yelling at me.



Just a couple of things you might want to look at:

Decomposition is a slow and steady process with breaks down the molecular composition of any viable resource. (with – which)

As we continue attempting to refind the equilibrium of earths many cycles, we will... (I am not sure if this is meant as find again. As used it seems the best possibility. If so I would make it re-find.) (Earth’s)



All living things have a carrying capacity, and that capacity is dependent... (I deal in logic. Your article is brimming with logic. I also deal in reality. The reality is that until Earth's ecology simply cannot support the human race the population will continue to rise. You use a deer herd as an example of natural carrying capacity, and it is, but deer have no way of importing grass from areas where grass is plentiful. Deer do not consciously control the size of the herd; it is only when they reach the limits of sustainability. So much has been written about the evils of Ponzi' schemes with no mention that economies operate by the same principle. To work population must increase. A limited example of what happens in a declining population can be seen in the problems faced by social security and the baby boomer bulge. The higher the pyramid gets, the broader the base must be. Yes, at some point it will topple, not by actions, but by circumstance.)


In examining the feasibility of alternative energies or any other change to more “green” technologies, the up-front cost is always far greater than current systems. However, they always pay themselves off and even start paying back in over time. When looking at the long-term, how can we not see the wonderful savings of a system that works WITH the environment? (There are always cons to oppose the pros, always limitations. I hand-built a wind generator simply to see if I could do it with limited tools and collect some of my own data, even though I knew that there is simply not enough wind for a practical installation where I live. I have a 45 watt solar array to keep charge in a camper. I want more R&D, I want to find the upper limits of technology. I like renewables, just not to the point where we abandon the resources we have. Not to the point that we drain the nation of its wealth simply following an agenda.)


While there are always at least two sides for any issue you presented your case professionally and I applaud that.

Wally
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Review of The small problem  Open in new Window.
Review by Wally Setter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)

This review is a little harder than most. I don't like making comments on writing style. I usually read line by line and word by word, pointing out minor mistakes when I see them or logic errors when they affect the story.

For this story I see only a few such errors. What I do see is basic to what I believe a short story should be. That is my problem, invading into the realm of the storyteller.

“Houston we have a problem.”

A quote I thought I’d say for something like this. But I will begin a few days earlier. “Mr. Lane you should really shave your mustache.”

Said one of the doctors, in the N.A.S.A. medical examination room. “I will not.”

I said, “Why should I?”

“It could cause irritation in your helmet.”

He said,

“What like my nose will itch.” I laughed.

“Fine I will not make you, but don’t blame me if it’s a problem.”


This is a story that needs to be told bam, bam, bam, rapid fire, hit the points an move on.


“A1, huh Doc, just like always.”

Dr. Smith looked over his undersized glasses, “Yeah, top shape, but I’m still tellin’ you to get rid of that mustache, don’t and you’ll be sorry.”

“Sorry? Look Doc, me and this ‘stache been together a long time.”

“I warned you.”


This is not how you should write your story. No one knows the story you want to tell but you. Only an example of how to move it along. The reason for shaving will be revealed later. In a short story there is no reason to bring up anything that has no impact on the story. "Huston, we have a problem." Unless there is something later in the story that makes this statment relevent there is no need to include it. Yes, I understand that there is a line: “What the problem” Huston asked.


”But it didn’t It was horrible to skip all the way back to the shuttle. By skip I mean jump float forward a few feet for two seconds off the ground. In other words It is going to be a while to get back to the shuttle.

But it didn't. It was horrible doing that skip-shuffle back to the shuttle. It was going to take some time.

Let the reader be responsible for seeing movement on this low gravity satilite. Yes, it may not be the same for every reader but that's a part of the fun.


As I said at the beginning: This is only the opinion of one reader. If you find anything useful please consider it, else, dismissal is only a click away.

Wally
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