First, allow me to welcome you to W.Com. This site has been my home away from home for over eleven years, and I've met some wonderful people here.
Now, may I share my opinion of your article?
Content: Your information is correct concerning the dangers of smoking, not only to the smoker but to everyone around him. Many cities and states in the United States have banned smoking in public places for those reasons.
Style: When typing in block style (no indention of first line of paragraphs), please have extra space between paragraphs for easier reading and understanding.
Organization: Having a thesis sentence in the introductory paragraph and then using it as a guide to organize your article creates a better flow. For example, with your information, your thesis might be "Smoking harms the environment, the smoker, and people around the smoker." One paragraph would then cover the environmental harm, the next the harm to the smoker, the third the harm to others. A final paragraph would tie everything together in a conclusion.
I hope my comments help you become an even better essay writer.
Excellent advice concerning a growing problem. If I'm not sure about an email, I won't open it. If the subject line is something I don't want to know about or that I don't trust, I don't open the email. However, some people open everything and trust too much.
I use Avast! for protection, and it has saved my computer too often, even though I'm extra careful.
My brother-in-law sent something to my husband, who doesn't have an email account, to mine. He said it was safe when he received it on his computer. Thing is, his computer sent a worm with the email attachment. My protection saved my laptop, although my computer was frozen for a while.
I hope everyone reads this article and heeds your advice.
I wish I could give two different rating for this story: one for content and one for mechanics. The story was gripping. The characters believable. The ending heart breaking. I was drawn into it completely.
However, some punctuation and possible spelling problems need addressed. Anytime there is dialog with a tag like he said, the pronoun must not be capitalized, even if the dialog ends with a question mark or exclamation point. For example, you wrote:
“Julie! Karen!” He called, making his way toward a larger crowd gathered near the water.
It should be he called.
In other places, a period was used before the closed quotation marks rather than a comma, which is needed with a speaker tag.
“It was just an accident guys. It wasn’t your fault.” Brandon said in an effort to reassure them.
Should be a comma after fault, not a period.
When a sentence comes after dialog that is not a speaker tag, it needs to begin with a capital letter. Also, in the U.S. all right is two words, just as all wrong is. Another thing, in literary writing, number under 100 are written as words. Need to have a correct verb form, too.
“We didn’t see her! Is she alright?” a freckled boy of about 13 bent panting over them.
"We didn't see her! Is she All right?" A freckled boy of about thirteen panted over them.
I just gave a few examples of the mechanical problems I found. I didn't want to do a full edit; however, I hope you do find someone to edit this for you once you've revised using my suggestions. This is a powerful story.
What a fun poem, full of memories to which I can definitely relate. I enjoyed strolling down memory lane with you. Maybe it takes growing older to appreciate what was, feeling the cold and all the other pains that come from getting old.
I found a few rough places in the punctuation, but definitely not enough to distract from the impact of the emotion and wording.
Cute idea. I'm not sure about a black wedding dress, but it was a twist for sure.
You used past tense, which is fine, but you switched to present tense which isn't. Of course the mall is busy all day long and iMaybe she will have the wedding after all are present tense.
Watch using the same verb close together: decided, decided.
Who did the manager greet? Should be greeted her or someone.
Be sure to put a period after you and before " in His instructions were to "seek first the kingdom of GOD and all these things will be added unto you (add period)"
Also, I wouldn't dod God and Him and Jesus in all caps.
Check wherever you have end " and make sure any period or comma is inside the quotation marks.
Last line, Seek Him (add comma) and when ...
Can you give a few examples to "prove" how to seek. how success is found or examples of success found, etc.?
Except for one minor flaw (should be someone else's face), this poem is delightful. Humorous, but so true.
I've experienced the same time. That's why I've given up looking in a mirror. I miss my mother, but I don't like seeing her staring back at me from a mirror.
I love this. Someone can talk about short and sweet, but this is short and soooo funny. You managed to put together a whole story in such few words and make it hilarious. This review probably will have more words that your whole scenario. It takes talent to pull off something so successfully.
You managed to do what the instructions required, to write a complete story with nothing but dialogue. The only problems I saw were some over use of exclamation marks and an unexpected lack of impact with the end.
I know from experience that writing a complete story in dialogue isn't easy, but it is a great exercise for learning how to use good dialogue for other works.
Very enjoyable story. I could relate as a reader to that short, skinny boy. I remember being the one who really didn't "fit" as a teen. The humor is the type that brings a smile or a slight chuckle.
The one thing that bothered me about the writing was the run-on sentences, not enough to spoil my enjoyment but still noticeable to a grammarian as I am. The formatting, where paragraphs weren't indented but no double space between them, should be corrected. That problem often occurs when something is copied and pasted.
Good writing, Dave. You take the reader back to those awkward teen years.
Although I was slow to catch the drift of this poem, the message soon burst upon my brain (slow moving as it is tonight).
I definitely like the poetic images evoked with your words, even if a few places seem a bit awkward. For example, whose crafted words lay him bare
when spoken like a pleading prayer
Whose words?
Overall, the poem presents a strong visual of forbidden love
Avoiding using second person (you, your, etc.) creates better poetic language.
Using the word "and" is better than using &.
I don't know if you're young or not, but your writing gives me the impression that you are. Please keep working at developing your writing skills and discovering deeper meanings and wording. Work with poetic devices, too, which will help add depth to your work.
Please keep developing your skills because you have a good start, just need to tighten and fine tune your work.
I read this the first time to get the message of your words, and the message is heart warming. I read again to be able to give you suggestions so you can refine your work. I think you should work on this and submit it to magazines such as Reader's Digest.
I found some sentence structure problems, including run-on sentences. When two sets of words that could each stand alone as a sentence are joined by a conjunction (and, or, but, nor, yet), a comma is used before the conjunction.
Here's an example: Karen(my wife) and Amanda were rushed out of the birthing room and I did not get to see them again for about an hour.
A comma is needed after "room." Also a space is needed after "Karen."
I would be glad to do a complete edit if you wish. Just let me know.
As someone who meets physical challenges every day, I can understand only too well where you are coming from when you talk about the challenges you face.
I like that you give different kinds of information in your journal as well as the struggles. You have links to places that warn us, help us, and/or entertain us.
Even when your upset with someone or something, you keep an optimistic attitude, even if it sometimes nearly hidden.
I haven't any suggestions for improvement because a journal or blog is the individual's province.
Wow! what a creative and interesting introduction for a folder. Just reading it and looking makes me want to know more. Hmmm ... I need more time to read now.
Your illustrations add much to your folder, and I like the way you divide your main folder (the castle) into rooms or areas found in the castle - great design.
Hi, I can see how this could be polished to become a very good story for children. I know some of the publishers today don't want animal stories, but children love talking-animals.
One very big suggestion I have is to start the story with action, dialogue, something more than narration. Show us the story from the beginning rather than tell us about it.
Also, write your story in such a way that illustrations can be created to go with no more than a paragraph at a time. In other words, each paragraph (or even parts of paragraphs) should be written so that an illustration can be used.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do.
This "poem," which is what you maybe should have labeled it rather than other, shows a sense of humor, which is good. I got a kick out of reading it, and I'm sure others did,too.
Personally, I like punctuation in poetry, helps the reader know when one thought ends and another begins. For example, you might have a period at the end of the first three lines, after fifth and last. Nothing is needed at the end of the fourth.
I hope you are able to add more to your port soon.
The concept of this story is good. The story in rhyme is fun and funny. I could imagine the illustrations that would accompany the text.
Writing in rhyme is difficult to do well all the way through a story. In some places the rhyme wasn't exact: Sixteen and greens don't rhyme, for example. In other places the rhyme was forced, resulting in a convoluted sentence: "Many aches there were in their tummies and such" is one example; " the ingredients to elephant-sized children did they make" is another.
Be very sure that punctuation and sentence structure are correct. One example:
Heaps of ice cream and mounds of cake:
the ingredients to elephant-sized children did they make.
A colon isn't the correct punctuation, and the sentence is convoluted to force a rhyme.
Hi, Harry. I enjoyed your poem, as I always enjoy your poetry. I like the fact that you show the faults and then end with what's good, what's right. Your word portrait leaves a lasting impression.
The only thing that concerned me, as I read this, was the seventh stanza seems convoluted, confusing. I finally deducted the meaning, but I had to read and reread to do so. Also, I believe it's two-hundred-thirty-one years, but I'm not sure. I know it should be thirty-one.
Yes, problems abound, but at least the problems haven't completely overwhelmed the greatness -- yet.
What an interesting, funny, and true article. I laughed, and I nodded as I read the words. We are gullible, and sometimes we're nearly brain dead. Your analogy of forcing neighbors to the mall linked so well to the heart of the topic.
I have no suggestions for improvement. The informal format added to the reader's enjoyment.
Even though this article was written in an informal manner, the organization was still present that allowed readers to follow and understand the thesis.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do.
I like the imagery in this poem. A few lines leave a taste of emotion behind. The one section I enjoyed the most is
Like a cloud in the sun,
Too close to the heat
I also enjoy reading poetry filled with poetic devices and language, such as the the similes you use.
I was reading along when some awkward word usage made me stumble. I'm not sure about a leaf in the wind, Still clung to the tree. I could understand Still hung on the tree, but clung as used seemed out of place.
I like the use of correct punctuation and capitalization, but in this poem, the usage comes and goes. For example, a period should be used at the end of the fourth line. Other places have the same problem.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You do have talent for creating word pictures.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do.
You have the ability to draw a reader into the action of this story. I have been too close to tornadoes a few times myself, and they can be frightening.
The following are a few suggestions that might help your story:
The story starts off in past tense. Then it switches to present, back to past, back to present. The writing would be much stronger if one tense was used all the way through from start to finish.
The use of action verbs, rather than state-of-being verbs (is, am, was, were), gives more power to writing. For example in the first paragraph, using sat in place of was sitting removes one was.
I'm not sure why you have such short paragraphs at the beginning. The first four paragraphs could be joined into one.
In the fifth paragraph, the correct punctuation at the end of the quote would be ...Oklahoma," [and no period after Oklahoma and no comma after the end quotation marks].
You wrote "Damn, that is only 5 minutes from here!", I shouted.
The punctuation should be "Damn, that is only five minutes from here!" [no comma] I shouted.
The first paragraph has a sentence fragment that could be avoided by combining it with The weather was perfect The weather was perfect, about seventy degrees, sunny and a slight breeze.
Usually tornadoes don't suddenly appear from a clear sky. They form from certain times of clouds under certain conditions. This part of the story could be made a bit more realistic.
In literary writing (stories, novels, essays), numbers under 100 should be written as words: one rather than 1; three rather than 3, etc.
I'm not sure about having (2 be continued). If you really mean for the story to be continued, then the proper way to note that would be (to be continued).
With some revision and polishing, this story could be excellent.
Oh, my! I and . I can't believe all the alternative ideas, don't think I would have thought of even these. Hmmm mmm What about running after run-on sentences? Pronoun confusion? Telling me more than I ever wanted to know?
Uh, was all this necessary or a bad dream? Please don't give up your day job?
What fun.
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This poem is smooth and filled with imagery. I like it.
Personally, unless the poem is shown as written for a particular "you," I prefer that second person not be used.
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