Ellie, What a 'switch' on the Christmas present perspective!
I am not a poet and not very good at telling those writing what they can do to improve in the technical aspects of poetry writing. What I can do is tell you my impressions.
I liked that you did not reveal the issue with receiving a pear until after you had told what the present was. It definitely gives a 'twist' to this poem. Perhaps it will make people think about how blessed they are and to think about how others view the more simple gifts.
Thanks for honoring me with your request to review your poem.
Great story! I appreciated the descriptions of Luke's emotions. This is an area I find neglected in many stories. Your story has a nice twist or two. I thought that Luke might just leave without harming Grieg, but that didn't happen. Then his own confrontation and Isabel's immediate understanding that he had caused Grieg's death.
I especially liked the twist that he didn't get to tell her that it was an accident. In truth, they were all victims - and yet all guilty victims.
Nicely done. Two small things -
"Yep, a one in a million accident where it ends fatalyl," (just a typo here - fatally)
"We are here to speak with Mrs. Isobel Anders. Is she home?” (didn't know if you meant to misspell her name or if that was purposeful).
That was wonderfully funny! Having had a few things that went bump in the night that I had to track down, I could really appreciate the story.
Very good descriptions of the room and the scnery. I would have enjoyed a little more description of the characters as well. Hope you write more stories with such good humor.
This is a nice little reminiscence of a special time in your life. I enjoy vignettes like this as they are full of nostalgia for what seems like a simpler and lest rushed time.
There are a few things that I think could help your story. The purely technical ones are to use better spacing when you put them out here to make them easier to read. You can edit the spacing after you copy and paste. I had a little bit of difficulty keeping up with where I was in the reading. Also, when you are using quotes, be sure to use the opening and closing quotes so that the reader knows where the quote ends and your text begins.
From the creative standpoint, you might consider making these vignettes into stories where you build a little more anticipation. One way to do this would be to say at the beginning, after your mother suggests you go dump hunting, that you considered the day successful only if you found something special for your collection. You could tell a little more about what you like at this point as well and say why you favored these items over others. Then at the end, you could add that you had found that one special addition to your collection that made the day special.
I think the more descriptions you use about how you felt and what you liked about these pieces, the better your stories will read. Adding a little drama and anticipation will do that.
I liked the action you created in this story - there were good conversations, which is a great skill. You stayed true to the age of the characters as well. Your descripton of the building fear kept me wanting to read more and find out what happened - and to whom.
I wouldn't have minded a little more detailed description of some of the locations in the 'un house' - like the spider or the barrell. I think it could have added to the eerieness.
Thanks for a story that DIDN'T turn out okay at the end!
Wow! A nice, conscise list of plot points! I have read lists that were expansive and took much longer to get to the same points.
I liked the Wizard of Oz analogy. Your references were very clear and can be applied to other well-known stories.
Technically, I don't have any suggestions.
One thing you might add for the novice writer is to take these and apply them to other well-known stories (Alice in Wonderland, for example) to understand better how these apply to their own writings. Sort of a way to practice recognizing these points.
What a slice of life for a cat/dog lover! I enjoyed this homey little view into life with a cat, or cats. Thanks for an entertaining moment.
Technically I found the names in quotes to be a little distracting. Once you have introduced your friends names, the reader can tell them apart without them.
At the end, I felt a little like you were moving on to a new vignette, but then it stopped. I wanted another paragraph or even more to explain what happens when they move things with their noses.
I liked the word pictures that you created in your story. I could feel the rain and her fall, the trickling blood.
The slight twist at the end was unexpected, and yet real.
Two small technical suggestions
"The arms that whenever I was in I felt so safe, yet so vulnerable." seems a bit stilted. Maybe something like The arms that made me feel so safe, yet so vulnerable.
"So as I wrapped my arms around him, a sob resounded threw my body." I believe the word threw should be through or thru.
Write on! Good job!
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