A quick horror-fiction. The idea has some potential.
Grammar/Spelling
Mary's grandma speechless --> Mary's grandma was speechless
What I Liked
I liked the concept of the story, and I think with some work you could turn it into a very good piece. I also enjoyed how the piece was relatively free of grammatical errors.
My Suggestions
I would like to see you expand on this piece. It could easily be a 2000 word story and still span the same amount of time. The piece is very vague and I think you could elaborate on setting, characters, plot, ect. Just take a look at things and see if they could be elaborated a bit more. It doesn't necessarily need to be a physical description. For example, when they see Sarah Ann, how do they feel? It's simple enough to say they're scared, but can you show how they feel rather than tell?
This is just my opinion: take what you like, and leave what you don't.
I really enjoyed this story and how it progressed through the life of a man. Your characters are well-developped; even the mother, who is hardly in the story, seems like a solid character. I found a few technical errors in your piece.
he orders into the hallway, tapping the ash off his cigarette and onto the floor, walking back down the stairs.
--> The two dependent clauses flow a bit awkwardly with the comma; I would suggest something along these lines:
he orders into the hallway, tapping the ash off his cigarette onto the floor before walking back down the stairs. [The "and" before onto is unnecessary]
This is the responsibility, this is the required pain and suffering,”
--> comma should be a semi-colon.
I watch My palm turn white
--> "My" shouldn't be capitalized.
before driving off, “this is your responsibility
--> "this" should be capitalized.
“Come on, your the only family he has left,”
--> “Come on, you're the only family he has left,”
I tell him, “this is your responsibility
--> "this" should be capitalized.
Overall, a solid story. Well done, and keep writing!
An excellent story. I really enjoyed reading it. The twist in the story was very good. I think this piece could use a little bit of editing to strengthen it up a bit, so I'll provide you with a few suggestions that you can choose to take or ignore.
I think you should describe the tone of the "choir boy"'s voice. Is it still? Eerily calm? Full of rage? In the beginning, you mention that it's sorrowful, but does it change as he reveals more and more? This piece is mostly dialogue, and you have a lot of description for the priest's voice, but in my opinion not enough for the other character's.
There are a couple parts that I would suggest editing.
I thought you had died, I think about it every day, I hate myself for it.
This is three independent clauses squeezed into one sentence. I'd suggest making it two seperate sentences; something along the lines of
I thought you had died. I think about it every day, and I hate myself for it.
Another part that didn't sit well with me:
‘May God have mercy on your soul – for I will not.’
I don't really see how a human could have mercy on another's soul. Also, earlier in the piece, it says "Forgive yourself, for God will not." These seem to contradict each other a bit.
My final suggestion is for the concluding sentence,
The priest’s screams echoed through the silent church.
Well, if he's screaming, then the church certainly isn't silent. I would suggest the use of the word "empty" or something of the like. This also shows that there is no one else around, so the murderer gets away with it.
Brilliant writing! It's such a short piece, yet you say everything that needs to be said and you say it beautifully. I almost wish it were longer... My favourite part: Every comma results in a pause, a breath.
Your description in this piece is excellent. I also liked the ending. Completely unexpected! I have a few technical suggestions/corrections...
His habit of finishing almost every sentence with ‘willya’ was something that grated a little piece off your soul every time he said it, and Frank fairly loathed him.
I'm not sure about the tense in this sentence. I think it would work better in present. (..something that grates a little piece...)
unnecessary kneecap surgery, he gratefully accepted.
I would suggest making this two seperate sentences.
-->unnecessary kneecap surgery. He gratefully accepted.
"as long as I live I’ll never put
Capitalization. (As)
proverbial daisy." announces Jewels
--> daisy,"
they’re sposed to have.
--> s'posed to have."
Well, that's about it. Well done, and keep writing!
I enjoyed reading your story, but I found quite a few technical errors.
The tense is inconsistent: choose whether you want to tell this story in present or past.
I just wanted what was right and all he thought about was himself and what was best for his needs, never once thinking about mine. --> I would suggest making this two sentences, because I feel it's too long for a first sentence. ->I just wanted what was right. All he thought about was himself and what was best for his needs, never once thinking about mine.
do as he wishes, he is probably right. --> do as he wishes; he is probably right.
of that of any importance. --> of that as important.
Sometimes I don’t believe him to be human what with the way that he acts sometimes and the anger that I see behind his eyes. --> Too many unnecissary words. Simpler: Sometimes I don’t believe he is human with the way he acts and the anger I see behind his eyes.
Even if it is to help hide secrets from the Government. For that is all he does anymore. --> Sentence fragment at the end. -> Even if it is to help hide secrets from the Government, for that is all he does anymore.
I felt that deep down I would be able to do what I felt that I needed to, I knew that society would be better off without him. --> Try some reformatting: Deep down, I felt I would be able to do what I needed to; I knew society would be better off without him.
I went about my day, waiting for him to come home, he always left before I woke up. --> I went about my day, waiting for him to come home; he always left before I woke up.
He never liked me to prepare his breakfast, he hated it. --> He never liked me to prepare his breakfast, in fact he hated it.
I cleaned the kitchen, making it spotless and especially cleaned a large meat cleaver. Polishing the blade until I could see my face in it. --> Awkward and in need of reformatting, specifically the use of "especially cleaned" and the last sentence is a fragment.
I started, when I heard the sound of keys in the door. --> I started, when I heard the sound of keys in the door.
I then turned and smiled, knowing that he was alone. --> Is there a reason he wouldn't be alone? It seems a bit redundant.
he then gave me a look, like do it now! --> The latter part of this (like do it now) is a bit strange. It makes it sound like his look is telling her to attack him then.
striking him in the shoulder with the meat cleaver. --> on the shoulder
I would suggest that throughout your piece you watch the use of the words "then" and "that". They are unnecissary in many places and they just dampen down the piece.
As far as the plot itself, I think it was well thought-out and unexpected. However, I think the ending could be tightened up a little bit. I think stating the amount of stabbings is unnecissary and retracts from the piece, and why does she continue to stab him after he's dead. I think it shouldn't be something she does "just because", but she should have a reason for doing it (did she lose her mind?).
** Remember, these are just suggestions and my opinions; you aren't obliged to follow anything.
Good shot at a sonnet! Your iambic pentameter is good and consistent throughout the piece, except for this line: "The girl who's feared for showing her naive joy." It has eleven syllables instead of ten. I would suggest trying to find a replacement for "naive" using one syllables. I have a suggestion for this line: "To pass so careless through life's greatest foes." "careless" should be "carelessly", as its an adverb, but that would make one too many syllables, so I would suggest something along this: "To carelessly pass through life's greatest foes."
All in all, quite a solid poem.
Well done, and keep writing!
~Votre Dame
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/votredame
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:59pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Overall Impression
Grammar/Spelling
I also enjoyed how the piece was relatively free of grammatical errors.
This is just my opinion: take what you like, and leave what you don't.
Poor Rupert... I only found a couple technical errors...