I know this review is a couple of years late but I stay true to read and reviewing what the site gives me. So, I'm used to these types of stories since I listen to many horror and thriller tales on YouTube. So, I didn't mind too much that I got an idea of what was going on before the main character did.
The pacing is also a little uneven. Most likely, because there are a lot of blanks in the story left for the audience to fill. A little more backstory of our main character would be nice to help us get a little more emersed. We didn't get much description of them aside from someone saying it was a she.
The bit of backstory about the library was nice. and that the two were possibly siblings. More description would have been nice. Just like what I mention with the main character.
I didn't have a good idea of how large or small the house was so I couldn't tell how someone crawled through the window without anyone noticing. We didn't get too much info on the setting aside that there was a table. Not much more description besides that.
So I guess the main takeaway from the story is that there is potential for it to give that CreepyPasta type of vibe. But there needs to be a lot of description and details in important areas to help the reader follow along quickly. Especially, if actions are happening in rapid succession like they were in this story. Feeling the confusion and panic of the main character as she tried to grasp what was going on would help. Especially, since the audience is just as clueless as she is. That's a powerful tool for stories like these (the audience being left in the unknown along with the main character). It's a very common format for thrillers and horror stories because it does really well at building tension. A descriptions go a long way to help that.
We got a description of the kids. But not things like the build of the person that entered through the window. And that contrasting with the build of the main character to help us understand how she was easily subdued. The phone thing was kind of off putting because we are only told upfront that the person doesn't know how to work technology but nothing gave us a clue to that before hand. Not to mention being able to facetime while not known how a phone works is quite a feat. And I'm not even sure that facetiming the police even works. It seems like of an unnecessary detail. And their timing was very fast.
But believability aside, the dialogue could also flow a bit better. Dialogue, is a huge factor in determining pace. Especially, in stories like these. Internal dialogue being the best way to go. Because, this story is written in the first person, we can get a lot more detail about where the main character's mind is and what they are thinking in real time. It makes writing short thriller stories even better.
So, that's mostly what I caught when reading the story. Sorry, if it's a lot but I like thorough reviews so I try to give them as well. Even if the material is more than a year old. Keep on practicing and writing and taking inspiration from other sources and you'll be writing like a pro in no time!
I liked this because there was a girl in my school that had very similar traits. (although i don't know about the smell, never got that close to her since she was 2 grades over me) I like the overall message the story is telling. Primarily, because it's relatable. A pleasant read.
Hello, there! I found myself being attracted to this story because I'm a big modern fantasy enthusiast. Even if it's just modern day magic. It is an interesting start out that does have us learning about the characters but I'm not exactly sure how well the "show don't tell" rule is going to bother some readers. But seeing as this is only the prologue I would personally wait if you kept up the interview into the next chapter without giving us a look into what they are talking about. Think of it as watching a movie or a television show. Would you want to watch people just talking about what they went through or would you want to SEE it? It's best to always imagine how exactly your audience might react to what you're writing.
Now for the spacing, I feel it's really clustered together. I used to do the exact same thing but with the default font and pure white background WdC has, it makes it hard on the eyes for the readers. Double spacing paragraphs would do wonders for that. I was suggested the same thing when I first started on my first profile and I've been double spacing ever since.
In one of the earlier dialogues one of the characters say that "I don’t think that camera has enough memory to record all of them". It's not exactly clear what year this is in but I was guessing it was in the period of when broadcasting wasn't done on tapes. Maybe have Duncan say there isn't enough time in this interview. If you really want to drive the point home then you could over exaggerated even more.
Another thing I'd like to point out is the telling of who is speaking. There were several times I reread the dialogue because a new person would be speaking but I wouldn't know who until after the dialogue was finished. If you could give some information or a type of lead in as to who is going to start speaking or even mid way through the sentence tell us who is talking. And starting a new paragraph when a new person starts speaking would also help the readers tell who is who when it comes to dialogue a lot easier as well.
give a lead in as to who is talking. otherwise it readers will reread a lot of lines because they read them in the wrong voice and didn't find out until after the dialogue was finished.
I don't know how realistic you are going with your story but the part where Nick explains the beaker exploding, it is very unlikely that a classroom setting would have the tools to make something so small have enough force to travel through a person. Especially, since beakers are too small to hold enough chemicals to make an explosion that forceful. Not to mention the glass would most likely travel in his body and shatter, much like hollow pointed bullets.
"There was a lot of smoke already so they couldn’t really see when the water just started surrounding my hands and creating orbs of water." used water two times in a row. It's normally best to avoid using the same word twice in one sentence. I still have trouble with that when using some pronouns.
My last thing that got me was the introduction of the characters. Now, you are already doing a difficult task of introducing several characters back-to-back. But when you gave us just names I had a hard time remembering them. It's best if you link something to the audience to remember that character for something. When introducing a character give us something that person does that links us to remembering them. You did do this later but then we come to what I mentioned in the first paragraph. You were telling us many of these things instead of showing. For a starting off of a story, the main objective is to pull the audience into your world. Give us some insight into your world! Give the readers a reason to click over to the next chapter. Make us want to read more because we are curious about the characters and their story.
You did give us a promise for the next chapter by giving us the background story of the characters. It may seem like I have only criticism for your prologue but i like the potential. Like I stated, before, I am a huge fan of this genre and write a lot of it myself. The length and the notes I wrote down for the feedback is proof. This is my most in-depth feedback. Hopefully, my 4 stars will also show how much I like the foundation that this story can potentially be built on. Keep it up and I would love to see how it all turns out!
While I appreciate the positive energy this piece is bursting with I was hoping to see some motivating reasons or examples. At least, for me, it's normally not enough to say, "Be positive! Keep your chin up!" It's too much of a blanket statement. I feel like your poem would seize people's attention more if you gave some reasons to be happy. They don't have to be specific or at a certain audience. If even one of your examples is relatable to a reader then I think you've made an accomplishment. For this type of message imagine you are directly speaking to your audience in a one-on-one. At least, that's my opinion. Not an expert at poems and most of them just don't capture my attention because they lack the depth to do so, due to their length or rules they have to follow. But I like to review so that's what I'm doing!
I enjoyed how visual it was. I'm normally not too big on poems because I like a full story. But I could follow this very clearly, like it was a story. Well, it is, technically. I was just a little thrown off about Jesus talking because nothing led up to it. It was like, BAM! there he is. No hint about him coming out of the picture/frame or that there was something that lead up to him talking. Other than that I really enjoyed the poem.
Besides that oath I could never imagine myself, now, saying, let alone kids, it was an entertaining read. I'd sign my kid up, if I had any, for these Beacon Scouts because they sound like they are down to earth but still teach the important stuff. Wasn't expecting to be entertained by a brochure but I was so, nice!
Cute read. I could easily picture my siblings in this scenario. Was wondering if this was part of a longer story. The read was nice and all the steps to a proper short story were present. I guess I'm just used to action and fantasy stories so reading something with less going on is a change of pace.
Would have liked to know what type of camera it was at least. Analog, Polaroid, or digital. I'm guessing it wasn't Polaroid. Just a nitpick so was can know how Addie knew how good the pictures were.
And maybe more information of the drop. A little bit about the camera being lost and Theo helping to find it would flesh out his character a little more since he plays such a tiny role but isn't a random character since he has a name and his own introduction. But like I said, these are small nitpicks. The piece is fine as it is.
Holy in depth character sheet. I've done some of these before but then found myself never using half of what the questions asked and didn't feel any closer to my character. The last part that you wrote is what I normally do. Doing off story character writing is a good way to develop a character in my opinion.
What is this character for? A roleplay, campfire, or for a story you're writing?
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