Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" !
I wasn't sure what to expect going into this chapter. I love your use of description; you've managed to show me a wonderful setting.
After such an great opening, the second half left me rather flat. I was impressed that you decided to leave the vampire thing kind of strange and mysterious, but that is shattered in the second half by the introduction of Vladimir.
In order to get a vampire story off the ground, you need originality. We've heard it all before...the lack of reflection, the blood drinking. I liked that you have the main character drinking out of a plastic bag. It's...fun sized. Work with that, with the ways that she has adapted, and add unique things that personalize your vampire tale.
Some things I noticed:
heavy maroon black (Maroon or black? They really can't be both.) curtains flapped violently
dust covered paintings hanging on the damp wallpapered(I'd suggest "papered" walls) walls.
Stood there (try "Standing in front of her.." Sounds less awkward.) in front of her was a large, old fashioned mirror
The kitchen was a coven of marble with the worktops glistening in the moonlight that emitted from the skylight above and the two French doors at the far end of the room. (Wow, that's a lot of "the!" Try reworking the sentence..."The kitchen was a coven of marble: worktops glistened in moonlight emitting from a skylight above two french doors at the far end of the room." Or something to that effect. )
She reached in and pulled out a palm-sized bag of,(delete comma. And I love this idea.) what looked like a deep red liquid.
They had three children, Jacob Drake and Rikala. (should read, "They had three children: Jacob, Drake, and Rikala.")
Why would a family name their children two boring names and then an exotic one? What does Rikala mean, and why did her mother/father choose it?
Rikala was different, anyone could see that but to keep her locked up was barbaric. The Crofts hated different and their daughter was different
How is Rikala different? You tell me that she is, and that her family hates her for it, but show me. Apart from her hair and her name, what makes this girl so hated and feared?
Rikala was(delete "was'") sat in the kitchen,
Your (should be "you're") imagining things Rikala, she thought to herself.
This is a good start. I'm interested to see where you're going!
For the sadness that this story evoked, it was also filled with hope and true joy. I am grateful that Roger was such a patient, thankful character, who truly appreciated the help that he was given. I also appreciate that London was equally as patient and helpful to Roger. It is a tribute to the people who give of themselves to help those in need.
Just a few things I noticed:
London stole a quick glance at his watch,(should be a semi-colon ";" or a period and a new sentence.) it was only quarter to noon and already he was exhausted.
Another two hours, and it doesn’t look like we’ll even get a break even for lunch, he thought. (the rest of his thoughts are in italics which is good, but you forgot this section.)
“She’ll talk to you and explain the rest of the pickup to you. (I would delete the second "to you")”
A young girl, about 30, (a young girl of 30? really? haha.)
“I think it was this gentlemen here, in(delete "in") came in right after the last lady you talked to,”
“He’s never been in?” Barbara asked?(should be a period)
old ones – old, bedraggled ones –(two "old ones" are too much...)
Simply returning the favor for the careful review that you bestowed upon me. This poem only had one rating; I thought it might be more worthwhile to review this and not another piece that had several reviews already.
What drew me to this poem is that it was located in the folder "Women's Issues." A feminist at heart, I find any attempt to dissect the feelings of women to be a worthy effort. This is a nicely written poem that asks one of the questions that many women face; why doesn't he love me?
Your rhyme and rhythm are extremely tight. However, there were two instances where it felt forced:
I know not why it is so.
You don’t like me, is it true?
Or, for some other reason,
Me you constantly avoid?
These couplets feel backwards, especially "know not" and "me you constantly avoid."
Apart from these two awkward sections, the poem is very well written. Great job!
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .
There are several excellent things about this chapter:
The tone is reminiscent of an actual high school girl. Spot on in most places, with a few exceptions (highlighted further down). I really enjoyed the main character's practicality. She wants a clean tattoo parlor, where she can get a tattoo that won't sag as she gets older. That shows a certain forethought and maturity, and I like the contridiction between these thoughts and her sudden infatuation with the artist.
A few things:
Every little piece seemed like a little piece of heaven (Doubled phrase.)
The floor looked like a chessboard, with its black and white squares, (should be a period, beginning a new sentence.) there was a red leather sofa on one wall, a table with picture books of the artwork and paintings and drawings on the walls.
Don’t just stand there, you weirdo,” I heard Claire’s voice say. ("I heard Clare say." would be less awkward.)
The voice was husky, no velvety! (Make up your mind! lol)
Some of the dialogue is confusing. The section where they first enter the parlor, and the main character hears Clare talking is particularly muddled. If a character's dialogue is interrupted by action, the rest of their dialogue should remain in the same paragraph. Also, it might be a good idea to add some more indicators of who said what. Yet, he was special. He was pretty! You describe the tattoo artist as "pretty" three times (or more, I may have lost count), and yet you don't tell the readers why he is so pretty. Is it his hair? His eyes? What about this man, who the main character described as unremarkable and not trying to be interesting, is so "pretty?"
Again, thank you for sharing. Good luck with this piece. If you choose to revise, I would be happy to re-read and re-rate!
Finishing up the review you requested from "Invalid Item" .
This chapter is far more revealing. I appreciated that your narrator paused the events so as to take a closer look at Hector's background. It was sorely needed. The relationship between his parents was interesting; it only makes sense that their son would be remarkable.
Again, no errors, so good job there. Looking forward to this continued metafictional tale!
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" !
It isn't too often that I come across a fun, readable metafiction. Most of the time, they're simply too self-involved or suffering from delusions of granduer. Your character, Hector, is more of an everyman; people you know, wrapped up in your own world.
This is a short chapter, which is a pity. However, I didn't find any errors, which is a good thing! The tone is playful and your word choice is good. Looking forward to chapter two, to find out more about Hector.
I kind of have to wonder why I was only given Chapter Two to review, but it is fairly self-contained. Only the end had me wondering what was going to happen.
I like the tone of this piece. It's like a futuristic noir, elements of crime drama thrown in with some technology and fantasy. Interesting combination.
Just a few things:
We had the moral right, we had the
duty to our people, to destroy this people
which wanted to destroy us. (This opening credo feels rather awkward. Might I suggest: "we had the duty to our people, to destroy those who wanted to destroy us.")
I know who you three are, but who are you dear? What is your role in all of this, Andrews thought. (I recommend putting the detective's thoughts in italics.)
The identities of these men are unknown until DNA tests can be performed. (This is one of several places that the tense shifts from past to present. It happens mostly near the beginning of the chapter, but there are a few more shifts littered throughout. I suggest re-reading the text, out loud, and scanning for any changes.)
All in all, a good chapter. Good luck with this novel!
I enjoyed this poem. The sustained metaphor is great. I also like the unique image of toes giving off steam...I guess I've never really thought about that before.
One thing:
(The first few lines are present tense - "emerging" - and then the rest of the poem shifts to past tense - "arose and twisted" etc. I'd recommend keeping the whole poem past tense. It just works.
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" !
You show a lot of promise. The vocabulary and tone of this piece are great. To improve this short fiction, I would suggest a few things.
Checking for tense shifts. There are several. Reading the piece out loud may help you correct them. Rethinking the ending. Your main character is obviously a strong young woman. Why would she run off to freedom, only to choose 36 years of servitude to a man? Perhaps it's the feminist in me, but such a remarkable young woman with so much insight into the world deserves much better.
A few mistakes that I noticed:
I remember everything; (should be a colon : )the night guard’s fleshy face, with skin so hard it reminded me of the wooden doll my momma gave me.
I remember t ("it") as if I were still in the inner gates or ("of") Corinth, catching my breath from my long run of escape.
Her cheeks her ("were") cold to the touch and her eyes were half open.
All of the trip (I would recommend "The Entire trip" or "For the extent of the trip" ) to Corinth, I ran away from the overcrowded shack represent ("that represented" ??)the torment of life in Sparta.
As I mentioned, this shows a lot of potential. The subject matter is very mature, and I'd love to review again should you choose to revise this.
Fantastic description. This is exactly what flash fiction should be; making the world come alive for the reader. I especially liked how the home felt so vivid in its visuals and aroma. Very well done.
Opie seems like a well-intentioned little dog. I wouldn't mind having him around the house.
What a great flash fiction. Awesome twist for so few words. It reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbes strip, if you've ever seen that cartoon. The humor is very similar.
One suggestion would be to find some way to mention the kind of gore left behind. I know you are working with "evidence," but also a description of red would help throw the reader off even more.
Glad to see that you've added another chapter. While it doesn't pack the punch that the prologue did, this is still very good. The writing is crisp, the characterizations are superb, and the challenging menace between Mr. Lyle and Michael made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Well done!
Just a few things I noticed:
(You sound really have a period after every abbreviation of Mister. "Mr.")
Michael rocked back on his chair and leant against the cool, painted stone wall of his classroom. He spun his pen between his fingers and watched the clock tick. (Too many pronouns. I would suggest changing the second "his" into "the" because it isn't really his classroom.)
You only get to make one first impression at a new school; he’d learnt (I wanted to tell you to changed this to leaned, but then I realized that the rest of this chapter contains British spellings, so I take it back. haha) that the hard way.
For the first time in the student’s (students') memories,
She was young, in her early twenties, and had long brown hair that fell in tight curls around her neck. She wore a tight, black dress (Repeated word.)
Again, very good chapter. I can't wait to read more!
I guess I didn't know what I was expecting, but this is absolutely fantastic! Packed with suspense, description, and metaphor, with an cliffie that is simple yet extremely effective. Wow.
Just a few notes. (I hardly ever give out 5 Stars, but this deserved the rating. It really appealed to my sensibilities):
Dark brown hair, black with the damp, clung to his cheeks.
Sam’s eyes had softened and he’d let a thin, worn smile slip through the cracks of his stone features. (Loved both of these lines. My only suggestion for improvement with the second line is to cut the "had" and change "he'd" to "he." It still remains past tense, but makes the action more powerful.)
He looked tired: (should be ; ) far too tired to be arguing in an alley at 3am.
His jaw was set firm, his eyes were (delete "were," again for immediacy of action) locked on Peter’s.
Again, fantastic job. Pity this is so short, I really want to know what happens!
This piece truly makes the reader feel for the narrator. It's a heartwrenching account of misunderstanding and trying to learn and grow. Too often, schools try to develop programs or activities that are totally off-base, and in this instance, the poor narrator is subjected to receiving that humiliating pamphlet because of it.
One thing that could really improve this monologue would be formatting. It stands as a giant, rather daunting paragraph. As I was reading, I imagined that natural pauses, such as the transition into the next topic after the narrator discusses grades, could be a new paragraph. Also, the points where there was dialogue could also use a new paragraph. You don't have to go overboard, but they do make it easier on the reader.
This is a heartfelt piece of fiction, and I'm particularly fond of the crushing irony at the end. The piece is so short, but it packs a huge punch.
All I could hope to ask for is more description, particularly about he brother. That would obviously make the piece longer, which you probably don't wish to do, but tiny snippits of what he looked like, his personality, and the like might help make the ending that much more devastating.
Anyway, great job, with no errors that I noticed. Thanks for your review of my work, and I hope you add more to your portfolio; this piece shows a lot of promise.
Thank you for the review. Here to return the favor.
While I find it difficult to review poems, I'll try my best. I love the precision of your language. It appears as if you've thought about each individual word, and it culminates in a very strong finish.
Some thoughts and suggestions:
Voices surround me in (a) thousand ways
Some tense me (you can't "tense" someone. You can cause them to be tense, or to tense up.) and some tease
A very heartfelt poem. It brings to mind my grandfather, who was a fighter pilot in WWII, but lived to fight a fatal battle with diabetes. But he was courageous until the end, and that has a lot to do with the horrors he faced during the war.
I like the rhyme scheme here. Some of the lines feel mismatched and uneven, but the poem is so earnest that it's easy to over look.
I saw a rather harsh review of this on the Public Review board, so I thought I'd take a look for myself. All I can think is that the reviewer was a bit bonkers because this was a perfectly serviceable MadLib. My boss, Mr. Pineapplenose, would agree.
First of all, congratulations on the Golden Award nomination. It is well deserved. Not only have you managed to spin a fun, imaginative fantasy, but you've also captured the realism of a flowering romance between two awkward people.
I like the pacing and the ambiguity of the narrator. In fact, I'm astounded by your talent and creativity, the more that I think about this story.
There were no errors to speak of, and I liked the formatting. Well done.
Congratulations on being selected for earning a Golden Award for this delightful poem. It reminds me less of Shakespeare and more of John Donne; he fancied a mix of romance with realism and science. With the carefully crafted words, the historical language, and the imagery of a mirror, this poem follows his work.
Still there remains but one who does enthrall
I love you dearest heart, you are my all.
I would have given this a perfect 5-star score, if not for the tacked-on ending. That felt too harsh, too glaring, in the face of such a beautiful, fluid stream of consciousness story.
Everything, from the characterization, to the unique plot, to the interesting settings, was fantastic. I enjoyed Frederick's humor and his suspicions, just as I appreciated Sarah's need to relate to him in such a bizarre world.
Excellent piece of Science Fiction.
Only one typo, the rest was pristine:
It’s in my head. I’m in it’s (should be "its") head.
Simply returning the favor for your kind review. I find it difficult to review poetry because it is so deeply personal. Each dash has its own meaning, and each word is placed just so. However, I will say that this poem contains such sweetness, but also sorrow. It is not about losing love, I don't believe, but about retaining it. And yet, I can't help but feel a serene sadness that surrounds it.
Maybe I'm just in a low mood. Whatever the case, this is a touching poem. My favorite line is:
When I look out this window--you are looking with me
into the vast sea--
This little story has the beginnings for a fantastic flash fiction (typically 250 words or less). It can be some of the most challenging, yet intense, writing out there, and I think you could really pull it off.
One suggestion I'd like to make is that the ending has been done over and over again. The "it was all a dream" end is far too familiar to the audience, and often makes the reader feel as if they've been cheated. You already have your twist in Felicia, and that is far more compelling! Work the Felicia angle, teasing the audience into thinking she's the narrator's lover. It really got me, and I think you could do a lot with it.
Some more comments -
A strange feeling now(I would delete "now") was coming over him, almost as if he was drugged by fear. The world now seem strangely detached from Victors (should be "Victor's") reality,
I enjoyed this, except for the ending. You should really consider shortening, and thereby tightening, it. Thanks for the great read, and good luck! Let me know if you consider revising this; I'd be happy to review again.
~AnnaTechnician
Realizing that Felicia was not in his hands anymore, he started to get up but noticed a weight rapt around his waist.
This is an interesting start to what I presume to be a much longer tale? What this story could really benefit from is focus and unity.
One question I have is why you chose to write much of the story with dialect? I understand that it is told from a first person perspective, but as some points I found the dialect to be quite distracting. However, it did help add to the character of Elijah, and I could truly imagine him speaking the way you have written it. Perhaps some editing to tone it down a bit would help the reader, yet still retain the flair of the character.
Another suggestion - It would really help the flow of the story if you chose one simple method for dividing up the sections. Are they all from a journal? If so, it might be best to simply use the roman numerals instead of the combinations you have now. That way, the story is more unified, while still maintaining the desired effect of short ponderings and the passing of time.
Also, the last section does not fit with the rest of the story, nor does the part where the dialogue is written in a sort of screenplay format. Consider revising that dialogue into the same format you used for the previous speaking exchanges, and maybe moving the section where the story shifts perspectives to another chapter.
You have a good start here. I really enjoyed the gritty way that Elijah was "born." Very interesting addition to the character, and to the disposition of his father. Keep working, and good luck!
~AnnaTechnician
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/villaintech
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 9:51am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
After such an great opening, the second half left me rather flat. I was impressed that you decided to leave the vampire thing kind of strange and mysterious, but that is shattered in the second half by the introduction of Vladimir.
)
Why would a family name their children two boring names and then an exotic one? What does Rikala mean, and why did her mother/father choose it?
Checking for tense shifts. There are several. Reading the piece out loud may help you correct them. 