I enjoyed your story and found it very graphic in the description of the dead pioneer woman and the killing of the young brave. Your intro aludes to Thomas being a deserter but you only mention the fact in one sentence. You might extract that fact from your story or elaborate on it. Tell the reader why he deserted.
Your paragraphs are long and sometimes are difficult to follow. I suggest you break them up into shorter paragraphs.It would flow better.
Your last paragraph confused me. Did Thomas ride towards the Indian encampment? Did he raise his arms to soar like the eagle or to fall off the horse as it charged into the vast land below?
Write on!
This piece is a great tribute to childhood heroes and outgrowing them. It is sad in a way but it is part of maturing. And as you point out in the end those heroes come alive again in younger minds.
Your writing has great detail and desciptive quality. I could picture myself in the rabbit's hole as I read.
This is a well written, touching story and I can relate having lost my daughter to cancer in March of 2004. Sorry for the loss of your brother. They say time heals all wounds but the loss of a loved one leaves scars least we forget those wounds.
In the second to last pargraph you mention birds singing to a warm summer's day and in the last paragraph you have Natalie back in school the next day. Would she go back to school the day after burying her sister? And if it's summer why is she going to school? You might want to put her in a different setting in the last paragragh.
What a concept, Animals of the world unite. If they ever did man's reign would end. On the other hand, if men of the world would unite it wouldn't be such a jungle.
Great story! Your imagination and sense of humor shine throughout this tale.
This is a great article. You get your point across well by showing how each patient benefits from visits, no matter what their ailment or personality. I felt informed and appreciate the inside look.
This is an excellent expression of the feelings that I have had regarding my daughter's death. Thank you for writing it. She has been gone seven months and I still can't put my thoughts of her on paper.
Another great story, I love your fat, bald old protaganist. He actually gets away with murder. The fact that he was a one book wonder adds spark to the tale.
You might run it through spellcheck. I noticed a couple of mispelled words.
I like the way you develop your characters. They come to life on the page.
The plot was good and the ending had a little twist. I thought that he would get caught.
Good job.I look forward to reading more of your work.
This story has great insight to the disturbed mind of Ron. His self-doubt is so stong, it ruins his relationship. The whole encounter is seen from only one point of view, Ron's. We can only guess at what Jani is feeling. If this is the way their relationship has been for three years, did she know that this was another of Ron's tests? Did she say she was sorry because she had had enough? Did she leave knowing that he would come after her? I am left wondering about her.
Suggestions/corrections:
In the first paragragh you have Ron going to Jani's one room apartment. Why did she leave in the end if it was her house?
he was a person on no real consequence.I'm sure you mean "of no real consequence".
However, he did not doubt himself.Do you mean "However, he did doubt himself."?
"Why are you saying these things, honey,"Should be:" whay are you saying these things, Honey?"
To admit she is sorry is to admit she has done something wron, wrong
These feeling had led him to be betrayed, had led to being be weak when he needed to be strong.
The last thought that he had before he was running out the door, The last thought that he had before he ran out the door, You changed verb tenses in the middle of the sentence.
Good job. You portrayed a lot of emotion. Write on..
Overall: This story is mildly entertaining, sometimes comical and at times too wordy . The characters are great, although a bit shallow. The reader needs to know more about them.Also, introduce them at the beginning. This way the reader can identify with a character by name right away. The plot develops well until the end. I expected Garyt and Javien to have some hidden secret behind their quest. They didn't. This story has potential. With some work it can be great.
Suggestions/Corrections;
Your opening sentence is not a grabber. I suggest starting with Mauric's fears from the second paragraph; "She wouldn't be too mad, would she? The men told me that they need her help to save human lives. She couldn't get mad at me for that? Could she?" This will grab a reader's interest.
As well as his acceptance of it. This is a sentence fragment. Try; The event and his acceptance of it had been planted in the smaller man's mind.
The brothers met up outside of the restaurant and went in together to approach Mauric.Drop the "up". It's not needed.
"Did You get anything Javien?" This is Garyt's thought and should be separated from the rest of the text. I suggest using WritingML Help, found under Author Tools. Try putting their thought conversations in color. "Did you get anything Javien?"{/c]
Inside the clearing and barely visible to anyone not expecting it to be there was a tiny square hut overgrown with vines and foliage. Overwritten and confusing. Try; Inside the clearing was a tiny square hut, overgrown with vines and brush. It was barely visible.Foliage is leaves turned color in the fall. It doesn't fit in this sentence.
Mauric continued to walk up to the hut and to what Javien and Garyt could only assume was the entrance, although they could not see one. A run on sentence, confusing. Try; Mauric walked up to hut, stopped in front of it and turned around. Javien and Garyt couldn't see any entrance.
The thick vines and plants in front of him suddenly began to move away and they could now see a small door being revealed.Passive voice. Try; Suddenly, the thick vines and plants moved away, revealing a small door.
A gust of air escaped and hit the three men in the face. It smelled stale. Choppy. Try combining the two sentences. A stale smelling gust of air hit the three men's faces as it escaped.
They stopped right inside as they heard Mauric rummage around for something.Drop the "right". It doesn't fit.
as Mauric lit a lantern right in front of them.wrong, no "right" is needed.
The room was small of course and the ceiling low. Why was it small, of course? I would drop the "of course".
The brothers almost had to Drop the almost
The room consisted of I suggest; The room contained
Whoever they were, they were extremly still. The someone in the previous sentence is singular. We know that she is a she. I suggest; The chair was facing away from them, but they could see some sitting in it, extremely still. In fact, the brothers could detect no movement, not even breathing.
The brothers stopped and Mauric bent down to look into the face of the woman.Try; The brothers watched as Mauric bent down and looked into the woman's face.{/c]
she was wearing looked to be she was wearing were
The boots she had on lookedBoots can't see. try; The boots she wore were
She also looked strangely She also appeared strangely
She had her head resting Her head rested
Her right arm was resting Passive. try; Her right arm rested
and the left was lying across her stomach and the left laid across her stomach.
He had moved her to a cot once. I suggest; Mauric had moved her to the cot once. The reader needs to know who he is at this point.
When the changes stopped, Suggest; When the tranformation finished
The brothers could not hear a sound from him when they should be and it scared the hell out of them. This doesn't fit.Try; The brothers could not read his thoughts and it scared the hell out of them.
She spat at them, coming to a halt in front of them.the sequence doesn't work. Try;Stopping in front of them, she spat at them.
Then, the silence of the jungle that they had traveled to the hut inThanks for the reminder but it's not needed. Drop the " that they had traveled to th hut in"
They broke through some trees and saw with relief ,the spacecraft right ahead of them.A bumpy sentence. Try; As they broke through the trees, they were relieved to see the spacecraft a short distance ahead.
Entry for the "I love excellent reviews contest"
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Your whole first paragragh needs a rewrite or better yet delete it. Its not needed. Beautiful autumm evenings up in Rydel have nothing to do with your story. Monday evening? gold leaves? setting sun? First paragraphs are the grabbers. Get your readers interest right away or you will not get it at all.
Your second paragraph starts out better but gives us too much info about Steve's habit. A one sentence mention is enough.
In the third paragragh again you bring in the sun. Leave it in the sky.It is not needed. You tell us all about how Jack is big, always has been, doesn't beg. Why not show us? Use dialog to bring your characters alive. Try something like:"Does it really mean that much that it's worth dying over? You are my friend, Stevie but I have a job to do and I will do it. I'm not one to beg. It's not what I do, at 6'2",220lbs. and packing a piece, I tell."
Dialog is needed throughout this story to liven it up. A man who would (and had) take a bullet for him. Why the ( ) around and had? take should be taken. Jack pulled the trigger, and a loud bang rang across the reservoir.No comma needed before and. Your twist at the end didn't really work for me but that's just me. You could give the reader some hints early on that Steve was different. That would build up the suspense better than watching the sun go down.
A strange and frightening saga,indeed. You did a good job getting inside the mind of this troubled man. It's hard to imagine the torture some people go through in their minds. Your view from the other side put a different slant on things and makes for an interesting read.
Corrections, Suggestions;
Flipped endlessly through hundreds of channels of drivel. The home shopping network, a drippy late night sitcom, nature channels and a rerun of the Xfiles. The second sentence is not a sentence but a sentence fragment and it does not list hundreds of channels as we are lead to believe by the previous sentence. Try; Flipped endlessly through hundreds of channels of drivel; the home shopping network, a drippy late night sitcom, nature channels, a reun of the Xfiles, ect, ect.
It was what he liked to refer to as his "condition". He was kicked into full gear right now. These two sentences do not connect too well. Try; It was what he liked to refer to as his "condition" and it was in high gear right now.
He threw the bottle on the floor, and it fell with a plastic clatter, rolling and then settling in a corner to rot. Great sentence, lots of action, but it needs help. No comma is needed between floor and and. I would drop the "to rot" at the end. Plastic does not rot, it's not biodegradable.
Today was the breaking point. He knew this. He could feel it like a muscular tick. It was out of control like everthing else. I assumed that the muscular tick is out of control but it's not clear.try; Today was the breaking point and he could feel it like an uncontrolable muscular tick.
All of the windows were open but there was not a single breeze. The air was stagnant. The second sentence is redundant.
He sustained himself on a steady diet of cigarettes. This sentence compliments the preceding sentence and should maintain the same tense. He had sustained himself on a steady diet of cigarettes.
He threw himself onto the chair in shock but it melted underneath him. He fell to the floor with a loud smack. Try connecting these two sentences with "and". It will flow better.
His head collapsed in on itself. Or at least that's what it felt like and was falling backwards. Confusing. Get rid of "Or at least that's what it felt like". His head collapsed in on itself and fell backwards.
He screamed in his mind, pacing his two small steps, feeling the pressure that kept him from moving.Great sentence, again there are lots of things happening. "Feeling the pressure that kept him from moving" doesn't fit. He is moving his two small steps. Try; feeling the pressure that kept him from moving furthur.
He saw it come down. Felt his body break. Heard the crackling sizzle as he fragmented like a thousand tinkling wind chimes. This is great imagery but these sentences beg to be connected. Try; He saw it come down - felt his body break - heard the crackling sizzle as he fragmented like a thousand tinkling wind chimes.
I hope my suggestions help. Write on, good luck in the contest.
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Dialog is needed throughout this story to liven it up.
A man who would (and had) take a bullet for him.