This is your Showering Acts of Joy review on Jase and the Djinn.
This was a very sweet story. I enjoyed the positive message that you managed to weave into it. It has a wonderfully strong moral to it.
It is wonderful to see Jase develop over the duration of the story, from a lousy loser, to some one better. It is always nice to see this transformation.
I enjoyed Gramma’s character very much. You managed to capture her warmth and wisdom. You also manage to get the reader to understand how precious that time alone with Gramma is.
You start well and you end well. Your story comes a full circle, ending where it began with the transformation of Jase.
The Djinn is a wonderful concept and it was very pleasant to have Jase realise that everything comes from within.
One thing that I did notice was:
He did care though when his grandmother came and sat in the dirt beside him not saying a word.
I would have changed it to:
He did care when his grandmother sat in the dirt beside him not saying a word.
This was a wonderfully entertaining story that I enjoyed very much. I believe every child should have the opportunity to read this
Thank you very much for posting this story. I will definitely take a look at your portfolio again in future.
My name is Vicky. To honour your WDC Anniversary I will be doing a Showering Acts of Joy Member to Member Review on The Victims.
This was a very interesting story. Jealousy, revenge and accidental murder all wrapped up into a nice package.
Your story was very well written. It flowed nicely and at no time did my attention wonder.
What interested me was the fact that your protagonist did not confront his wife. This came across as being very unreal. I would have thought that he would have first confronted Isabel before the lover.
You paint your protagonist very well. We learn that he is ultimately a good man. A loving father and husband and I did have to wonder why his wife would cheat on him. You cleverly justify this with the 15 year age difference.
One little problem that I picked up was that you used the wrong name for Cassie:
They had ended up taking Callie to the emergency room the night before
I am very curious about what Isabel said to Grieg in the message that the police found.
The picture painted of Grieg does not endear him to the reader, the only person that seems upset about his murder is Isabel.
Isabel remains untouched by the whole affair. All the blame is heaped at Griegs door. She shows no remorse even when she realizes that she has been discovered. She is more worried about Grieg than the fact that her husband knows and risks jail.
The ending was strange. I am assuming that it was the stress, bringing on a stroke that caused the protagonist to die. This was rather disappointing after you have built up the tension wonderfully.
This was an entertaining read and you have definitely explored the darker side of the human mind.
Thank you very much for posting this story. I will definitely take a look at your portfolio again in future.
Congratulations on your anniversary and please keep writing!!!!
My name is Vicky. To honour your WDC Anniversary I will be doing a Showering Acts of Joy Member to Member Review on Hey, Were We Just Insulted?
Congratulation on a very entertaining story. I am a South Africa, and rugby is a religion. It was very interesting to get a behind the scenes peek at what really happens. I was actually surprised by the subject as I have mistakenly never associated rugby with the USA. My apologies for that.
Your story was very well written. It grabs you from the beginning and carries the reader along. It flows beautifully and you waste no unnecessary words.
Your description of the hospital was so typical of any hospital anywhere in the world that you had me sniggering. I loved your triumph over the Orange Bee-hive lady.
You give the readers good insight into your characters and turn them into individuals.
I only picked up one problem and that was a pesky typo:
Shaking their heads witrh a smile, they continued on to their destination.
Otherwise I can find no problems with your story
Your humor was delightful and the boyish enthusiasm of the characters shines through wonderfully.
This story was a pleasure to read and I will definitely recommend it to any rugby fan.
My apologies for thinking that rugby players cannot write!!!!
Thank you very much for posting this story. I will definitely take a look at your portfolio again in future.
Congratulations on your anniversary and please keep writing!!!!
My name is Vicky. To honour your WDC Anniversary I will be doing a Showering Acts of Joy Member to Member Review on Liar.
Congratulations on a well written piece of flash fiction. This is probably one of the most difficult types of stories to master because you have to tell a story in very few words.
I was very impressed with what you have written. You have accomplished a full story with a beginning a middle and an end.
Every word that you use has a very specific reason and because of this your story works well.
What I would like to know is if her jealousy was aimed towards Anton and Jenny as individuals or as a couple.
I also was very impressed with the way that you managed to make the reader experience the guilt that your protagonist experience.
You focused on a single moment in time. A split second decision based on an irrational emotion and the terrible consequences that followed.
This was an excellent coffee break read. I enjoyed it very much.
Thank you very much for posting this story. I will definitely take a look at your portfolio again in future.
Congratulations on your anniversary and please keep writing!!!!
My name is Vicky. To honour your WDC Anniversary I will be doing a Showering Acts of Joy Member to Member Review on In a Relationship.
I enjoyed this story very much. Stories that delve into our relationship with technology interest me very much. A frightening fact is that what may be considered sci-fi is often so close to reality that it can be disturbing.
Your story was fast moving and you made every word count. It was very entertaining and you kept my interest right from the start.
Your characters were well done. You have the techno junkie and the old school technophobe. This caused a wonderful contrast.
What was beautifully done was the original scene at the bar where we get a vivid image of Sandra with her intrusive phone; you then offset this with the second trip to the bar where her phone is absent. This already creates tension, the reader knows that something has happened and eagerly reads on to find out what.
I was hooked from the start. This story was very easy to read.
I would have loved to know what the narrators reaction to his rather shocking discovery was. It was a stroke of genius to add a physical sign of the changes that Sandra had undergone. While the f in her eye was a hint, without the USB port the Narrator would never have known that she was any different.
I did notice a couple of typo’s, but in general this was a very well written and entertaining story. It left me wondering just how far we are willing to go to keep up with technology. It is quite possible the in a not too distant future I will be rereading your story with no computer screen in front of me and thinking how close to home you were in your prediction
Thank you very much for posting this story. I will definitely take a look at your portfolio again in future.
Congratulations on your anniversary and please keep writing!!!!
My name is Vicky. To honor your WDC Anniversary I will be doing a Showering Acts of Joy Member to Member Review on A Writer’s Soul.
This was a very haunting poem. It carried so much truth. You have very successfully managed to convey the frustration and despair that I am sure every writer has encountered at some point in their life. You also get across all the people that try to make us fit into another mould and we try to please them forgetting our own happiness and piece of mind.
This poem is beautifully written. It flows well, there are no bumps and starts along the way. When reading it, it reminds me of a piece of music building up to a crescendo and then stopping. You create a sense of emotion rising and rising to a climactic point and you end it.
You have an excellent vocabulary, which I am sure is a poet’s greatest tool. You also have a talent for letting strong emotion come through your words.
This was a wonderful read that I thoroughly enjoyed. It spoke to me because it was honest and hit me close to home as I have also struggled with the same chains.
Thank you very much for posting this poem and I will definitely take a look at your portfolio again in future.
Congratulations on your anniversary and please keep writing!!!!
Dear Amanda, my name is Vicky and this is your Showering Acts of Joy member to member review in honor of your birthday. I have chosen to comment on Starlight Murder
This was an interesting read. You wasted no words. Human nature makes ghouls of all of us. Don’t we always slow down when we pass an accident scene to get a better look. You have successfully delivered an accident scene right into my home. I liked the way to integrated the lyrics into the story. Your contrast between leaving work, with the music and the ideas of celebration and the accident, switching the music softer was excellent. It balanced the story out perfectly.
While your story was excellent some parts were not easy to read and seemed to stumble an example being:
The odd thing was that her torso was on it's stomach and yet her head faced the sky.
I would have said:
It was odd that while she lay on her stomach, she stared up at the sky.
Your description of the accident is well done and the reader I can feel what an effect this tragedy has had on you, even though you did not know the victim.
When describing something, especially something so traumatic be very careful of overdoing it. This happens because as a writer you desperately want the reader to see and experience what you had to that day and example being:
Her head was twisted around completely backwards.
I would rather suggest:
Her head had been twisted around backwards. The word completely is not necessary, it becomes “overkill”.
Be careful not to skip between past and present tense. In the first paragraph you were taking in the past tense and then in the next paragraph you changed the tense. Here is an example:
I drive through a rough part of town with a lot of homeless people and several bars.
I would have used drove instead of drive.
Also remember that writing is 40% actually writing and 60% editing and editing and editing again. Read your story out loud this helps to make sure that it flows well and helps to weed out pesky grammatical mistakes.
Please remember that this is only my opinion and in the end you as author have the final say over what you want your story to say.
I enjoyed this story very much. It was very honest and it painted a very vivid picture. Your message at the end of the story was very true and quite inspirational.
Thank you very much for posting this story. I will definitely be taking a look at more of your work.
Dear Dr ET, my name is Vicky and this is your Showering Acts of Joy member to member review in honour of your birthday. I have chosen to comment on Dear Me, a Light-hearted Cross Reference
I enjoyed your letter very much. I suppose I am a very nosy person so the idea of reading something so private piques my interest. I thought that you were exceptionally honest in what you have written. Self criticism comes very easily, however we just file it away for further reference. Here you have willingly cast all of your faults and flaws and *gasp* failures in black and white. This takes a lot of courage.
What I saw in this piece was an overwhelming desire to change. I could see that you want to shake off the apathy and cast aside the old bad habits.
Personally I think you were exceptionally hard on yourself.
Your letter was exceptionally well written. It flowed beautifully and had a wonderful intimacy to it. It definitely touched close to home for me as I have recently been guilty of procrastinating so it has given me a good kick in the pants, thanks for that.
What I absolutely love about what you have written is the fact that this comes across as being real, no fancy, flowery phrases. Nothing seems dressed up, intended to impress who ever stumbles across it.
I enjoyed your humor and that while you “tell it like it is” you do not whip yourself and wallow in self pity over the things that have not yet been done.
This has been a very enjoyable read and I believe that you are definitely a talented writer. I am going to take a look at the rest of your portfolio.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday.
Keep writing
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Dear Hyperiongate my name is Vicky and I would like to review your flash fiction Becoming a Zombie.
This was a wonderfully written story. I enjoyed it so very much. I am tired of mooning vampires and I am glad to see that the Zombies are getting some of the spotlight.
A very original story and incredibly well told considering that you used so few words. It had a clear beginning, middle and end. I thoroughly enjoyed the humor.
You were able to develop the character of the long suffering teacher very well.
I can find nothing wrong with your grammar, I can see that you have been meticulous in your editing.
This is truly an excellent example of flash fiction at its best.
Thank you for posting this piece and please keep writing.
Dear Karl my name is Vicky and to celebrate you WDC Anniversary I am going to review Zarth Escape Part One.
This was a very powerful start. You began very quickly and did not waste any words. You do not give unnecisary descriptions that would divert attention away from the nonstop action. Your protagonist is there from the first word and by the end of part one we already know something about him.
what I did notice is that you did skip between tenses an example being
The Dargulth will immediately pick up the power waves that emit from the stone as it is being used...
this does not flow along with the rest of the story which has been written in the past.
Editing is vital and a writer can never double check their work too much.
Something else that I picked up is:
He shivered as he felt the power quickly powering through his body, giving energy to his aching limbs
try to avoid repetition of words I would replace quickly powering with coursing.
This was definitely a good read and I will be taking a look at the following parts.
Dear Jade my name is Vicky and to celebrate your WDC Anniversary I am going to review your story Journal of a Clone. The story caught my eye as I have an interest in cloning and was curious to see what story you told.
I enjoyed this story very much, you successfully were able to make me feel how it would be to be a clone, specifically one that had been created to replace a lost child. I can imagine that that must put a huge amount of responsibility on a child. You also clearly put across how desperat Mari Lu was when she signed the contract, not actually knowing what she was signing. Worst of all was the fear of being used as a bag of spare parts by someone that has abused themselves, knowing that easy replacements are available.
This story gives the reader a lot of food for thought. You provide a lot of background that helps to add to the setting.
Using the concept of a journal is very good because your journal covers a broad time frame and makes it easy to switch between the perspectives of the mother and the daughter.
You have touched on a lot of moral issues that many people do not consider when thinking about cloning. Most people see the whole concept as something that is either black or white and you have added some grey.
It was a very entertaining read. there were no parts where I found myself losing interest.
Lindsey was well developed. You get across that she is an individual, not a replica of Heather. As the reader I felt sorry for her. It also reminded me of one sibling living under the shadow of the other.
Mari Lu who is rather a selfish character in the beginning, redeems herself as she discovers how her child feels and takes action
I think that your happy ending worked well. It would have been nice to know a bit more about the fight for the clones independence, but it was satisfying.
Always carefully edit your work, this makes sure that little typo's don't detract from a wonderful piece of work.
Hello Rhytrr, my name is Vicky and to celebrate your WDC Anniversary I will be reviewing your short story Without Fear.
This was a very fast paced read that left me quite breathless when I had finished and realised that I had been holding my breath.
You were very clever in your choice of characters. Presenting the young family with the new baby quickly wins over the reader and in my case I was practically screaming for them to make it. I like the fact that you didn’t forget that there was an infant along for the ride an example being:
“You will need to hold your breath for at least 50 seconds, and put this bag over the baby, so that he will have something to breathe”.
One concern that I had while reading was the background you gave about Ernesto’s kidneys. I felt that this distracted the reader away from the story and caused a very slight speed bump on an otherwise smooth road. I would suggest that you share that information in very discreet little snippets spread through the story, rather showing us than telling.
Your story was easy to read your choice of the great omniscient narrator was perfect as this gave the reader a panoramic view of all of the action.
You draw a vivid picture of the world that the characters are moving in without slowing the reader down. Another little speed bump is when you mention the technology used to pick up the illegal’s it once again holds up the story after you have so beautifully built it up to a do or die moment. I know that it is important that the reader understands why this specific time is so important, but it diverts the reader’s attention away from the critical moment.
Your ending was brutal, a real sucker punch to the stomach. You had two clearly marked paths to follow to end this story, the sweet happy ever after or what is probably the most realistic. To have the family picked up and shipped off to where they came from would have been an anti-climax. You made the right choice. As a mother I felt Artemia’s pain and her complete loss of her rationality was too realistic. My heart went out to Ernesto. It was a very disturbing, but satisfying end.
Always double check and recheck your work. I noticed a couple of typo’s. Also be careful of repeating ideas example:
which in reality was more sewer than river, more s*** than water.
I would have gone with more s*** than water and scrapped more sewer than river.
Always double check your story for consistency, when Ernesto handed little Ito to Manuel, he never handed the baby back to his mother, but Ito was knocked out of his mothers arms. It is something very small, but it can trip up a very good story.
Thank you for posting this story. It was an excellent read. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Hello my name is Vicky and I have chosen to review your short story named Scatman .
The name immediately caught my eye as I was browsing short stories, looking for something to read and I just had to have a look and see what you had created.
I enjoyed your story very much. It was very entertaining. As the oldest of six children I had a good giggle over the obnoxious younger brother.
I always enjoy a story where the “bad guy” gets away with it and I think that this one can be included in that category. You wrote it well, it moved quickly, keeping me entertained from the very first sentence. You did not waste words, giving me no chance to lose interest in what I was reading.
Your characters were well done. I enjoyed the fact that your main character had a flaw. This made him seem more realistic. It also made him much more likeable. No wonder he drove the getaway car, it would have been a disaster if he had actually had to talk to someone. I enjoyed the fact that while Colin is the baddy in this piece he does still have a conscience and in the midst of everything he is worried about disappointing his family The obnoxious brother was beautifully done, though I must admit there were moments where I wished that Colin would kill him in a new and interesting way. The only thing that I would have liked was a better idea of the brothers ages.
You have a wonderful style of writing. It is easy to read, it pulls you in and you float along on it for the whole piece.
You gave me just enough of a setting to have a clear picture of where the story takes place, this worked well. Extra descriptions would have been wasted words and take impact away from the confrontation
Congratulations on a great ending. You rounded this story off perfectly. It was like a gorgeous dessert and a rich cappuccino after an excellent meal.
Thank you very much for posting this story. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hello Tom my name is Vicky and I have chosen to review your short story named Trick or tweet . The name immediately caught my eye as I was browsing short stories, looking for something to read. What also piqued my interest were the excellent reviews that you have received, so I decided to take a look at what the fuss is about.
What can I say but BRAVO. This was a masterpiece. A disturbing tale of how we are digging our graves with our electronic toys. Your story has a frightening prophetic quality to it, and as some one who works in a virtual office completely dependent on the internet and my gadgets makes what I have just read frighteningly close to home.
I wish that every person that has access to the internet would read this story as a warning. You have vividly described our obsession with being connected , something that was unimaginable a few years ago. You also drove home how fast technology changes and I have often wondered where will we go from here.
For a story that covered such an extensive time frame it flowed beautifully. It kept me riveted from the start and you wasted no words at all. At no time did I find my attention wandering.
Your characters were very realistic and I believe that this is what also made your story so close to home and so very believable.
Choosing the perspective that you have has given this story a special intimacy that would have been lost if the all seeing narrator was describing it. It brings true emotion into the mix that creates empathy in the reader. Reading this I could imagine stumbling across the pile of papers left behind and reading this tale of destruction.
I can honestly say that you have made me rethink how much I am connected. It has made me unsure of what the future holds. I enjoyed your reference to December 2012, as we approach the date I know that people are becoming uneasy and I think it was pure genius to use this very ominous date as a catalyst for this whole story. I was very impressed with your upgrading of technology and I will be watching with great curiosity to see how accurate you are.
You provide very little in the way of setting which works wonderfully as we have entered a world where technology is the ruler. You have created something that is chilling, disturbing and frighteningly realistic.
Your ending was pure magic. It was chilling and I do admit I was waiting until the last moment for a rabbit to be pulled out of a hat and a cure found, or immunity anything. After rereading the entire story I realized that no alternate ending would have worked as well. You have definitely got your message across. Not only are we obsessed with technology, we do not learn from our mistakes.
You have truly taken me on a roller coaster ride. My only regret that it was so short. I believe that this short story could become a complete novel that the reader would not be able to put down.
I know that with reviews I am supposed to tell you how to improve your work. I am afraid that I cannot find anything to criticize you on. All I can say is WOW, you have truly written something amazing.
I look forward to losing myself in more of your work.
This as a very interesting story. I read it several times and each time it spoke to me in a different way. Each time also left me with more questions than answers. I am hoping that this is number one of a series that will answer some of the questions that I have.
I am not going to comment on your grammar as I am assuming that this is intentional.
You have carried across the main character/narrators confusion very well. Who is he and what is he? A ghost? Why can’t he leave. In very few words you have managed to tell a story and you have left it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions.
It would give me chills to find a journal entry like this.
Thank you for a very unusual and thought provoking piece of writing. I enjoyed it very much and am looking forward to exploring your portfolio.
A very heartfelt and emotional piece. I enjoyed the contrast between the sweetness in the beginning in an idyllic setting and then the bitter as a cloud is cast over the holiday by the reawakening of the past. You did this with a great deal of grace and right before the story became too sweet.
Your contrast between the heat of the city and the coolness of this little paradise was beautifully done. I could imagine the relief of being in such a beautiful setting.
I would have liked to know a bit more about the main character. It came as quite shock to realize that the reclaimed husband was the 2nd one. You did paint a wonderful picture of Mahesh and his daughter.
I would like to suggest that in future you carefully edit your work before posting it. One of the best ways to do this is by reading the piece out loud to yourself or if possible have someone read it out loud to you. This helps you to make sure that it flows nicely and makes it easier to pick up any grammatical errors.
Be careful of repeating ideas an example:
The drive is breath taking .Once you reach the hills you feel the crisp cool air. All your tensions disappear . My worries melted away.
I would have said:
The drive was breath taking. In the crisp, cool air of the hills my worries melted away.
It is important to remember to stay in your chosen tense. Always double check your spelling and never rely on a spelling checker, sometimes the word is not spelt wrong, but is still the wrong word tier instead of their.
I hope that this review will help you as I believe that you have a lot of potential. What you wrote moved me and I could feel the roller coaster of emotions that your character experienced and that means that you have made a success of this piece.
A beautifully told story that I enjoyed very much. You hooked me with the first line. You built up the tension perfectly and gave me a happy ending. Thank you. Flash fiction is not the easiest thing to write and you seem to have mastered it. Your spelling was great. The only thing that I would question would be the multiple punctuation, but this I am assuming is for emphasis. I really enjoyed this story it was a lovely change. Please keep writing
Review of "Anniversary Reviews" (E) Review ID #3732051
Review To: Sum1 (144)
Date and Time: 07-13-12 @ 4:53am
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (4.0)
Review Length: 1,150 Characters | 1,096 w/o WritingML
[Anniversary Reviews Sig [#1861151] For the Anniversary Reviews..] [Anniversary Reviews Sig [#1861151] For the Anniversary Reviews..]
Happpy Anniversary Wyze
I am here to offer you a review for your poem Blink
Please note that the opinions belong to me only, as a reader and not as a critic. You have the right to disagree and discard.
Personal Impression:
I really enjoyed this poem very much. It deals with something that most of us would much rather put out of our minds.
Tone and Mood:
A dark and depressive piece, that sometimes becomes morbid. This reminded me a little bit of a very short story where you build the story up to a climax. The building of this dark mood to an almost suicidal climax made the poem work for me.
General:
The poem read very well. I read it on my screen and then read it out loud. It rolls off the tongue nicely. One thing I would suggest is to double check spelling. My apologies if any misspellings were intentional.
Emotional Impact:
A very despairing poem. Lots of imagery and symbolism to it. It has stayed with me after I have closed it and I know it will hover in my mind for days to come.
WELL DONE
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
A very lovely poem. I like the way it flows and has a lovely rhythm too it. It makes me feel happy and full of energy and makes me want to fall in love all over again. It reminds me of one of the pieces of poetry on a fancy valentines card. So take that as a big compliment. I will definitely be looking at other items in your portfolio. Please keep writing
I think that if words were weapons we would be in even more trouble than we are now. A very well written interesting piece of poetry. I noticed that in the last two verses the flow was not as good as it was in the beginning. You used wonderful imagery and you have a fantastic vocabulary. I am glad to see that you balanced your poem out with questioning would word weapons bring death or life. This saved the poem from descending into a depressingly morbid darkness. I am very impressed with your work and I will definitely be keeping an eye out for your work. I would like to advise you to take a look at the various competitions that are available on the site. This is a wonderful way to exercise your writing muscles and also to draw attention to your work. Above all else please keep writing!
A very beautiful heart felt poem. I enjoyed it very much. You have used wonderfully evocative words. You have an excellent vocabulary. The poem flowed very nicely when read allowed which shows that you are on the right track. I was just a little unsure who this poem was written for? I hope that you will keep writing and I look forward to seeing what other pieces you produce. Keep writing
A very beautiful song. I would love to hear it set to music. You rhymed it well. It flows nicely. You had me thinking of a time when I have been so completely head over heels with a person that I felt like this. One thing that I would point out I would rather have used cast than casted in the refrain. It just doesn't sound right. Well done on posting an impressive first piece. I look forward to seeing what else you write. Please keep writing!
I love pieces of writing that come from the heart. They have so much more life than something that has been squeezed out and then hammered and pounded to fit a perception of what the rest of the world wants. This is a beautiful sentiment that sums up what it means to love someone deeply. If this had to be addressed to me I would be happy. I am so glad that you found the courage to post this piece where everyone can see it. I look forward to your future work and will be keeping an eye on your portfolio. Keep writing
A very short, but very beautiful piece of writing. hearing about faith like this touched me deeply and made me question whether my faith is not a shallow thing. Correct me if I am wrong, but I assume that the mistakes made in this piece are meant to give it the feeling that this little girl herself was writing it? This was a very special and inspirational piece which has touched my day. Thank you for having the courage to post it om WDC. I look forward to more of your work. Keep writing
I loved this story. It was nice to see that in an electronic world there are still some things that a human can do that a computer can't. A wonderful who done it that starts quickly, does not waste words and gives a satisfactory finish. I loved the good cop bad cop game that our human and his silcone chip partner play and it was nice to see how you humanized investigator hyper cube. Many thanks for a lovely quick read.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vickyb77
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 3:42am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
