For idea, I like this. Maybe a little more added would help...
Something to the effect of, Carl went to bed...still bothered by the figure...
closes his eyes then hears a creak of his closet door...
I can see where some more picky readers will get stuck by errors.
You do have a few grammar issues still:
'the only sounds was the echo' SHOULD BE 'the only sound was the echo' OR 'the only sounds were'
then in that same sentence, 'as he walk down' SHOULD BE 'as he walked down'.
Near the end, 'carl stood frozen where he stood, to scared' A FEW THINGS THERE
'carl stood frozen, too scared...' you don't need to use 'stood' twice and 'too' not 'to' is correct there.
I wouldn't keep using the 'rustling leaves' over and over. Just once, then get a different metaphor.
Let's put on our Teacher and Student hats for a moment here.
Being one who wants to encourage others to become better writers I feel this
is my chance to give you serious input which will hopefully allow you to break through
the creativity barrier which is blocking your ability to connect with potential readers.
This is constructive criticism at the level of master writer, in no way am I insulting you
as a person or telling you something I wouldn't change in my own writing.
Take time to remove the emotion from what your reaction would be and see the truth of
what is being said:
I'm not really sure what the purpose, or point of this is.
There's a build up to what the situation of the protagonist is, but there's
no payoff.
No climax that helps explain the situation.
So the guy was at a bar with another guy and they went somewhere with some other guys
after they had been there. What's the thing they did? Why are they sick? Why does the reader relate?
It's the authors job to be creative and do more than give a vague and pointless ending.
It has to be relatable. People must see themselves as David. We need to know what you've eluded to.
Be specific in what you're trying to say.
It's poorly worded in places: too spicy Indian food both caused you... / Ron hadn't drunk too much
Overly spicy Indian food caused you to... / Ron hadn't drank too much
Seriously go back and rethink this, it certainly can be improved.
There must be a reason for the reader to connect and the approach to this neither engages
nor gives the reader any sense of purpose.
Good job taking an otherwise frustrating situation and making it an adventure.
Isn't it just the type of situation all parents could find themselves in on any given day.
One minute it seems things have come together just right then it's monkey wrench time.
I'm not going to play editor for all four paragraphs, I'll leave it to you.
Let's look at the piece itself and check out some of the things I'd adjust:
I'd put a comma after 'to be put away, now graced the floor'.
Or use a period there at 'now graced the floor.' Starting a new sentence with
'Now used as slidy things' take 'now' out of the previous sentence keeping the comma 'graced the floor.'
In the third paragraph, 'so there I sat' should probably read 'there I sat'.
The final paragraph could use some punctuation also:
A period at 'thrown to the ground.' Taking out 'as' starting the next sentence with 'The tickle monsters...'
there's two 'ands' in that sentence also.
Finally the last sentence needs some punctuation:
A more correct way would be 'Laughing, playing and transforming...' I'd also put a period there after
'chaos to creativity.' Starting the next sentence with 'We join the ebb and flow of life, celebrating the...'
Remove 'and' from that sentence replacing with a comma like I did above.
Try to eliminate the run-on sentences adding commas or utilizing periods and rearranging slightly
to start a new sentence like I've shown.
There could be more depth given to many of the lines for dramatic effect.
Example:
Down and out
out of patience losing control
control is elusive to erratic thoughts
thoughts which demand seclusion
seclusion from a delirious soul
soul which hearkens for darkness
so on and so forth...
By expanding the vocabulary and expressing a larger idea the reader will be pulled
further into the:
Fury of thoughts which we want to convey.
Convey those ideas and make them your cornerstone.
Cornerstones which hold fast in the tempest.
Tempest of a world which infuriates a man.
Man who is too weak to defend his his own.
I'd like to know who would complain about the length of this piece.
In most cases of poetry gone wrong an author writes too much without
any flair or relatability.
I like what you have here. There's no reason to push for more if this is what you
are comfortable with.
Let me give you a real critique which I hope will benefit you in the future.
First off, the word 'undecisive' is incorrect.
Indecisive or Undecided would be proper English.
I like the vague approach, it allows the reader to step back from the specific
and read this as if it were being thought and not spoken.
The arrangement could be stretched out to give the appearance of a longer piece,
and it would add more readability to it. I've also added 'quotations' to will and what.
See below:
Decisions required
minds lost
Judgements and ideas ignored
Tangled options
faced with conflict and fear
Hard images of the 'will'
end with the 'what'
Strong minds rot to dust
The hypothesis dissipates
Still in thought
Forever remaining
indecisive
Step back from the 'authors' mindset and look at the differences, however slight.
You are on the right track to developing a strong 'Page Presence'.
Give it some more detail and open up the hidden emotions.
Example:
My mind is dark and twisted
filled with turmoil
I am neither happy nor sad
I merely exist
One day blends into the next
I push on
Let's expand it a bit:
dark and twisted thoughts
fill me with turmoil
I merely exist
from one day to the next
happiness escapes the mind
sorrow is not friend or foe
existing to push on
I also like the reference to a knife... let's see what the Dagger can do with it:
this is my fight
any strength that lingers
I summon
existing to push on
cutting darkness down
nurturing the pieces of light
which remain
I like to repeat a central idea sometimes for dramatic effect, like using 'existing to push on'
in both examples.
We see new things emerge when we use the right tool...
Everything I write gets the blade, to help the final version along its way to becoming great.
This puts a smile on the face. Who hasn't wanted to leap down a flight of stairs and catch their wings on air instead of falling down. Sadly we as human are not given the option of choosing winged life over bipedalism.
The 'huckster' could have a bit more depth, but I got the gist. I like the poetic parts that you intertwined through
the piece. 'A drifting feather in my memory' speaks volumes. I would even make a poem from this...
Aside from a spellcheck I wouldn't suggest much else.
In the spirit this is written I cannot critique capitalization and minor details
of word choice, not that I would point out much anyway with your piece.
If a morning routine can be made entertaining then you've certainly
found a niche in a world waiting for carving.
The end stands out the most to me:
the countless others...making precisely sworn...
detailed journeys...to the familiar
and unknown
Isn't that the very thing we all do daily(!)
Head out after dressing, to a pre-planned and determined place
without knowing the other events that might take place.
Such is life and fate and it's worth pondering from time to time.
The idea of the ground opening up and swallowing empires is great.
'Burning all the strings that tied us to the world' is my favorite line.
My critique centers on the amount of words in some lines:
It is excellently worded up to, 'men, women and children...'
Example:
men, women and children looked at each other
as life left their eyes
animals could not flee
all were engulfed in destruction
forests fell leaving stumps and ashes
lightning erupted from black skies
By removing some words the imagery can be more effective.
Just like the line:
'a thousand days and a thousand nights we sat and stared'
cut right to the heart of the idea:
a thousand nights we stared
our minds held by apocalyptic visions
The term less is more is a useful tool to utilize especially when
begining to feel yourself over-describing.
Keep the reader riveted line after line, unrelenting and spellbinding.
Here's my own rule in writing:
As spoken word it's fine to take a longer route, as written word keep it tight.
I give the author points for intent, which is well conceived.
Take a moment to entertain this though.
Here's how I see this piece evolving:
Like toy soldiers in a row
Eyes shining bright on stoic faces
Each one pristine
With glistening swords
Prepared for battle and fire
In the suns piercing light
The soulless determined
Their purpose unknown
With valor they triumph
Casting evil to fate
Just like toy soldiers
All tossed aside
Many "contests & groups" on this site have a preoccupation with what's called
"traditional poetry."
In my time here I have given harsh reviews and never taken back a word
spent on improving one's perspective toward their works.
Too often do "rhymers" take offense to my input without taking time to read
the type of things I've put in my portfolio, but my intent is not to hurt or harm.
My intent is to take a scalpel to what may need trimming and display the new parts
that were given new life.
I read your bio-block and accept that you may prefer to use rhyme, but there is
much more to poetry than that!
This doesn't look like the work of one who's rusty, spare the punctuation.*(see below)
I like the repetition in places, it wasn't contrived or unnecessary.
The reader can sense the ebb and flow of your emotion and with you the reader
can understand the unspoken feelings that would lead you to yell or sing.
In the end we are brought back to the 'here and now' and I can almost sense
a smile of my own.
Punctuation: depending on the writers 'page presence' or 'style' punctuation is
not as much an obligatory thing as it is a preference. So in my eyes you did not
require periods or commas since the flow was well conceived.
I rarely use much more than a dash or two to designate one line from the next, though everyone may not agree and I do not require them to.
Gloria in excelsis De-o...do I have the song right? Either way...
This was short, yet abstract enough to create some good images.
I also wasn't turned off by the 'religious' undertones, as it felt like more of an
account of being there as opposed to unhappily sitting through it.
Too often do I have to cringe when reading about church related topics,
but this is a rare piece which transcends my disdain for pop-religious culture.
There could be another movement to this, but if the material wasn't equal it would
offset it in a negative way.
My only critique is line 4:
Mass kneels on bars. In plural form the 'masses' would 'kneel' on bars.
Or 'bars for kneeling masses' or 'the kneeling bars of mass'
Depending on the context you are using for the word 'mass' would determine
the way it should be worded.
As it's written it implies people as a 'mass' not the worship service 'mass' which is why I tried to give several examples.
The last example being for 'mass' as a worship service.
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