This is a very well-written article that makes many useful points. We do have control over our breath (except in rare medical emergencies) and deep breathing has long been the panacea of yoginis. For me "Get Over It" is a smart-alecky remark made by some-one who doesn't understand the situation and that particular person's reaction to it. We each react differenly to almost everything, and that needs to be taken into account.
Anxiety seems to have become The-Way-of-Life in this time of earth's being, and it is literally killing us.
If we don't learn to breathe deeply and relax several
times a day, we are going to be very very sorry. I'd even say ten deep breaths a day equals a dose of Prozac.
Your basic metaphor here is very good, and the poem can be very good with just a little work, I think.
Here are some suggestions for improvement: remove "up"
in line two; remove"how to" in line three; I assume you can already see? Are you wanting to see what the crow sees? I'd take the "up" our of the 3rd to last line, then I'd change the next line to "I wish I could follow you/Would you tell me what to do."
Goodness, I got a bit carried away there. If you rewrite the poem the way I suggest then you would have
my version of your poem, wouldn't you? It would still
be your poem though, in another version.
WOW! This is a very good poem. You use of the waves and the ocean and treading water are uncliched by your Ocean of Woe.
The second stanza I find a little more difficult,and I think you mean breath rather than breathe.
What is really redeeming is when Apollo finds you and melted your heaaart, and now you are "esteemed from pain>" You have a small "i" in the last line where I think you might have meant "I".
This is a beautiful poem, and it surely sounds as though it is written in the American Indian tradition.
It's difficult to tell whether this is the final call
("days of earthly suffering done"), and the Great Spirit is coming to insure his safe passage onto the
"next horizon" or not. If I had to make a call I'd say that is what is going on here, and that it is not
merely a way of saying that the tribe should decamp and
move along.
This is a good, 7-stanza poem about prayer, and perhaps it is The Perfect Prayer. At least it seem that crowd of you all did that Sunday evening, and it just took the man a minute to think of it.
I like this poem a great deal. It makes me think of small churches in small towns all over where the congregation all know each other, and Sunday pot luck
dinners are had. I've lived in big cities too long now
for that to be happening, but it a wonderful memory.
This poem is well-written, and shows the disgust you
have with your father's alcoholism. Also, with your fear of being line him because your mother and sister seem to agree. I am very glad to see that by the end of the poem you have put the stale beer away and are
determined that the only you two shall be alike is in
sharing the same last name.
You have a very good sense of meter and rhyme, which make this poem a success. Sometimes, living with an alcoholic can be more difficult than just putting away
the booze. In this case, I hope it worked!
This is a well-constructed poem, 4 stanzas of abcb rhyme scheme. This could almost be called an Ode to
Self Pity, except that since you chose to entitle it "The Edge" and say that you are waiting for someone to come rescue you. You seem to have an awareness of your situation, and of your refusal to try to help yourself.
I just re-read the poem, and am left with a very unsettling feeling, and also I am not sure I interpreted it correctly at all. You are definitely in an enormour amount of pain and waiting for someone
to come save you.
The poem shows promise of talent, that is for sure, and I think if you clarify the meaning and/or intent
a little more this poem will be on its way to being good. I am just one of many reviewers, and it may well
be that I just don't "get it", and you are certainly free to do what you want with it. It is, after all, YOUR poem. Keep writing!
This is a story of how the devastating events in the area of the South of North America from New Orleans to Alabama were played through a child's mind. He mother
had obviously had the same idea, and at the same time.
This is a well-written story, and this author is very good at saying a great deal in a few words. This story is told from the heart, and while I saw the end coming, I am pleased that it is there.
This is an excellent, enjoyable piece which leaves me wanting more. It seems like a fragment, which I suppose is what most dreams really are, and as a reader and reviewer I hope that you will seeon decide
to add onto this until it is a short story.
If you don't do that, I do hope for your sake that you continue to have such marvelous dreams!
Thank you for asking me to review this poem for you.
First of all, it is lovely, and it flows. Two things that are very important. I have no idea why you double spaced it. Do you?
This is really difficult for me to review, because the temptation is to rewrite it, using fewer words, the same ones, only making it sparser. I wouldn't change
anything down to "it looks fake." That is a sudden,
different statement from the gold sun and blue sky.
As a reader I expect or at least hope that I am going to be shown a new and different way of looking at
the world.
Then you undo your pinned-up hair and let it flow free
and blow and you realize the meaning of the word beautiful. Then I think I would skip to beauty lies within, you can hear it and feel it in the presence of the person you love, or in the wind with your hair-blowing free; it is neither fake nor perfect, but the
most fragile thing God has made; then your last two lines which seem to me fine, but I'd make them three lines: beautiful is what I'm feeling/and seeing/right
now.
Well, I did almost rewrite it completely didn't I? You have a wonderful concept here, of beauty as something within, something small, that can only be felt. I'd suggest you try to tighten your language a bit, to not
use one word that you do not need to explicate what you want to say. Does this make sense to you? I hope so, because I am in no way trying to discourage you -
quite the opposite. I can feel the presence of a poet behind these words, one that will develop the more that
he/she writes.And I certainly hope that you do keep writing, and posting here on Writing.com.
You understand, of course, that this is just one opinion, and I am just one reviewer, and that the poem is YOUR poem to do with as you please. With just a little rewriting, you'll be well on your way.
WOW!~ I say that neither often nor lightly. What you
have done with that simple rose bush in the corner of your garden is wonderful! Your stanzas are even, the meter is fine, the rhymes are perfect, and there are no typographical errors that I can find.
You have a very different way of looking at things, as most artists do, but this poem is somewhere between Emily Dickenson and Sylvia Plath, leaning more toward Emily. You really did a GOOD JOB.
I can't wait to see what you write next. Thanks for asking me to look at your port. It was truly my pleasure.
This is so open, so honest, so well-written, that all
I can say is "Welcome Back." I hope and trust that soon you will discover the reason you used to do this -- and I think each of has his or her own reasons. I
am happy that you are here on Writing.com, because I know from my own experience that the people that make up this site are warm, wonderful, supportive, creative, honest and writers every one. I hope you will find this as wonderful a community as most of us have!
I think this is a fascinating newsletter. I knew nothing of these readability tests, let alone the rest of them. WOW! I feel enlightened, and that is a very good feeling!
This is a very nice attempt tos say that when you look into the sky you think about whether the Lord is thinking of leading us to peace or desolation.
I wonder maybe this isn't an oversimplification of the question. Maybe He is trying to decide where it should rain and where it should not, or maybe He is simply trying to take care of what he can in one day.
Your poem leads me to think that you believe it's is one other the other: destroy the earth or give us peace. Perhaps you are right. But I think with your imagination and talent you can put it in a little more stronger form than this. Keep writing.
This is a very nice fantasy story, and I like it a lot,
I think primariy because of the sense of magic that surrounds it. There is always something very wonderful in these stories that have a sense of beinghanded down and handed down for centuries.
Although this little boy, Ari, does not want to go away
from his parents he does, and he accept the honor bestowed upon him by the Prayermaker. We are not told what that is.
Your presenttion is fine. No problems there. It's
a good story and should do well.
This tale of tragedy, hiding and screams seems to be about incest and its effect on the family, but the poem
is a little too abstract to be sure. I am making a
somewhat educated guess and would not at all be surprised if I were wrong.
The poem itself is well written in form and is without typographical error. I just would like it to be a bit more clear on what is happening, unless it is entirely the effects of incest.
We are both members of The Silent Helpers Group and I realized that I didn't know anything about you and had never read your work. So I'm plunging through your bort a little, and am glad I started here. I live in a coastal town on the East Coast, and can often be found in the mornings sitting in a beach chair at the water'd edge watching the day clear.
Your poem is very descriptive. I felt as though I were there with you watching the gulls, and mist or,
as you say, the "hazy sun" turn crystal clear. You use
the free verse style, which is a paraticular favorite
of mine, well to pain your picture. Good job!
I can't hear it as a song, sorry; I have a difficult time feeling the song in the poem, but I will say that
this is a very good poem.
You have used the "refrain" or cuplets perfectly to your benefit, with the slight.
every so slight changes, placed appropriately between the stanzas.
Your rhyme scheme works perfectly, and the meter is fine. There is nothing that I could say that would make this poem any better. My only advice is "Don't change a word!"
This is a very good, albeit very sad, poem. I don't know about lyrics, so you will need to hear from a musician for that. The poem is six stanzas of four unrhymed lines each and one line that repeats, the last line of the first stanza and the last line of the last stanza,
I did not scan this out, and the poem is almost perfect in my opinion; the only suggestion I have is that in the fourth line of the fifth stanza, it read
"and I've this terrible pain". The only reason I say this is because I think it scans better and after all, I doubt that she left the pain on purpose. Remember,
this is just one opinion, and you will get many. In the final analysis, it is YOUR poem.
I am not an expert in the gothic genre by any means, but am trying to read and learn as much as I can about it. This story is well-written, without error in
spelling or structure, and is a pleasure to read.
In my unreadness, I fail to see the symbolism of the bell unless it means that Dr. Holz made sure the bell was there and tied to the string so he could -- be arisen? fulfill the promise he made to her? know what
had happened to the female corpse? There is too much left unanswered in this, and I'm not sure if it is my
lack of familiarity with the genre, or if it is your story. It's probably the former, but I hope you will get back to me with some of the answers.
Before I forget, l. 2, I think you mean "wrecking" now "wreking.
This is almost a very good poem. our imagery is great!
The broken souls of our lives sitting there with no
future, but one day a man sees one soul, and that one soul sees the muses sly away from the man, and this is his cure. There is a great deal of beauty here between the lines, I think, and I certainly don't want to tell you how to write your poem. I am just suggesting that it could perhaps be a little lighter in tone, especially at the end,and that you definitely keep
"that broken, full of holes soul". I realize this has to do with the miraculous, but I think you need to make a stronger connection with the "full of holes soul" and the man who reaches out and restores this woul. I hope this is clear.
My sentiments exactly! You have done a good job on this poem. It reads well in spite of the miserable content it contains, and feeling of hopelessness and helplessness with which it ends. I cannot remember it ever being like this before about 15 or 10 years ago and it get steadily worse,,,not ony here but all over the word. I;m in my 40's and I've talked to people much older than I am, and they just shake their heads.
I wish I could just wave a magic wand and cure the world's ills. But I cannot.
All I can do is my share, and pray to God that He takes
care of what ail us,
This would make a good blog entry. As it is, it is a good meditation. Does the positive go un-gratified?
If by "un-gratified" you mean unthanked, then I think many thank God for many things, big and small, and i know myself I will look up and thank him for everything from a parking place to a friend pulling through a major illness.
If you can do one of these a day, you would have a good journal, or blog. I encourage you to do this;
it would help all of us.
This is a good poem about Katrina, the horrible horror it caused, and the separations of families, and the deaths.
This person gets down on his/her knees and prays for everyone involved, and when he/she gets up he/she looks up and sees the light.
This poem is very emotional. I know that I am, as many of us are, still living with the terrible destruction that Katrina wrought, and so are still a bit fragile, but this poem moved me from feeling the force of the wind and the rain to seeing the light from above.
This is an adorable story of two young girls and the events that happen to them when they own their first pets. two fish, It is told with a refreshing tone of voice,and when one fish dies, the girls bury him and
the father does not aggressively participate. THen the other fish becomes sick, and they all agree that they shall ask God to give her a miracle. Lo and behold, He does, and the fish regains all the health and vitality she had before. They call her "The Mirache Fish"
Thank you for writing this; I found it a pleasure to read.
** Image ID #950745 Unavailable **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/verysara
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 8:48am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
