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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/veronicam
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6 Public Reviews Given
7 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Marbles  Open in new Window.
Review by 3ravens Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Kraig,

This story is impressive in several ways. It's different. The descriptions of marbles are quite splendid, and match the dreamlike imagery throughout the story. You are definitely inside the boy's mind, so I would like you to consider rewriting the story in the first person. The language you use has the sound of an individual, unusual and slightly colloquial, and the boy's view of his parents is unique. He observes them with the same love as his marbles, in colours and patterns!

There is some wording that might be considered technically wrong or awkward, but it created such an atmosphere that I would hate to see it changed. I think the first-person idea would fix that, as the language would then be completely the boy's.

The imagery of the coloured door at the end...red for rebirth and creation...is a perfect ending/beginning.

Very nicely constructed. Poetic. Let me know if you rewrite it.
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Review of Lost Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by 3ravens Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You capture very well the conflicting emotions of a dream. There are some good contrasts - exhilaration, confusion - fear,happiness - created, no ending - watched, barely remember - all adding to the feeling of disconnectedness. Is there a better word than 'series' to go with 'Confusion'? It seems to me you are referring more to episodes, or perhaps you could bounce off the word 'intertwine' and use something related to appendages or beams. Or make a strong statement with a simple 'the Confusion.'

The double word sounds at the end of stanza two are very strong.

The last stanza is great; we are almost always sad when we cannot remember dreams, even the bad ones. It's a wicked twist...very nice.
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