I loved your piece overall. Although I thought there were some lines that didn't make sense to me like:
"I want to be the cause of the
face he's holding still.
I want to be the cause of the
calm after the storm."
But this is just my opinion. Otherwise a truly lovely poem on love.
I feel maybe you should work on the rhyme a bit more. But, I like the emotion the poem exhibits overall. Also, I appreciate how you took the time to recognise the 'hate'. We never really consider that the hate we feel could actually be directed towards ourselves. We always end up forcing it onto another.
Like I said, love the overall emotion. :)
hope this helps.
beautifully written and extremely well structured song! I loved every word of it.
Its heart aching to watch innocence demise. And also very sad to have to give it up so that we are no longer perceived 'weak'.
I especially love how you conveyed something so deep so simply.
Keep writing :)
A very well written story in the form of a poem. Love the flow and the rhyme and ofcourse, not to mention the moral! Fabulously written. A tale well told.
Everything is evened out and easy to understand. Very to-the-point which I think is a good thing rather than dragging on. The poem even though long does not get boring.
Great piece. :)
I love the simplicity in your poem. Its strucuture, the words used, everything is very simple and therefore easy to understand and relate to. No complications which reflect that there were very little complications in the relationship as well. Very heart touching and moving poem. Which all relations were this easy.
I think this is a brilliant poem. I love every word of it.
I can relate to this poem a lot and maybe thats why it means so many things to me.
When we move on to new phases of life, we move with no strings attached. All the ones we know slowly start to fade away. I've lost many dear friends the same way.
Great stuff!
Hey, I'm new here. This is actually just my opinion so hope you don't mind.
I love the way the poem starts, specially the lines :'...my heart might freeze over
Then shatter, be gone'
and how it picks up pace after: 'HAHA! NO CHANCE'.
But at the same time, it looses its focus after it. Sounds like its part of another poem.
Also, I feel your poem is too long. You need to shorten it.
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