This has fantastic potential! Your twist at the end is great.
You do need work on sentence structure and punctuation. The run-on sentences take away from the actual story. Clear and concise sentences will have greater impact. Not only will it make it easier to read, but it will create more drama.
What a fantastic little story. I'm always a fan of a creepy little girl.
The initial detail of the room and what he felt/observed was vivid and read beautifully. The story line was great; although, sometimes I felt that more could have been told story-wise and that the back and forth banter between Adam and Emma was a little much.
A delightful story. What a great contrast of new and old. I loved how you depicted the old man - the pain he went through while constructing his creation made him so endearing.
I do think there are a few tweaks you could make as far as sentence structure. The first sentence might work better if it was broken up into two shorter sentences.
"The youth's flamboyant movements and outrageous posturing allowed the people many opportunities to laugh and more than a few for awkward silence."
- The last bit of that sentence doesn't seem to flow with the rest of it. I get that he's over the top and that the people are enjoying that, but the fact that there were awkward silences clashes with the first part. You know why they were laughing - the flamboyant movements. However, you don't know why there were awkward silences.
I really enjoyed this piece. It's a great example of how people can get caught up in the new and flashy, but that it's not always the best choice.
These are great tips for those who are just starting out and may be having problems in what direction they should go. Also, they are fantastic reminders to those who might be stuck in a rut.
I truly enjoyed this. This was well written as well as inspiring.
I think so many times people try too hard to be poetic. I like that this poem does not try - it simply is. The beauty is the simplicity it is asking, as well as the simplicity it takes in stating that.
Bravo.
- VMoS
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