The poem is not moving...it is almost like a pop song. But since it is ur first attempt, the cliches can be forgiven...but it lacks the most inmportant aspect of writing...it doesnt move the reader, it doesnt make the reader feel the pain u r (suppoesedly) feeling.
Try and write a poem about u, ur feelings and thoughts. It is then youll get good stuff out.
Is this metaphorical or what?! Hey good story nice and compact something i like. It can mean many things. The hoola-hoop is a symbol for drugs, underworld and all kinds of 'bad' stuff in which teens(predominantly) and even adults get in but can't get out.
I'm telling you buddy...I'm not a guy who understands metaphors well but I think I have got this one. However, do let me know if I'm wrong.
I love it if you would r&r one of my short-storiess. There are many unrated items in my port.
Very good use of words( i had to use the oxford at somepoints)....very very good imagery...and the way its been put by you...so unique!
The lonely soul...sitting and observing natures beauty...is just so real.
Sometimes nature's so beautiful that its hard to believe its true.
A very beautifuuly written poem
Hope u r&r some of my work too. It would be a pleasure
Its a good story, though somewhere in between I had actually figured out that she was too good to be true. that was the line 'He had spent hours flirting with woman in hotels before but never with such a response so quickly.'
THINGS I THOUGHT YOU COULD IMPROVE:
Instead of 'bum', I thought butt would look better. Why? For no reason at all...I just think it looks better.
Another thing- Its not 'come and get me look'; it is 'come-and-get-me' look.
The story is pretty entertaining otherwise.
And I'm sorry, I dint have much to think about upto the end. I think you should have a really solid story-line before you can claim that.
But your language, imagery et al are all A-grade.
You can do a much better job, though this is good too.
A nice piece...I see a bit of my style in yours...though i believe you can bring out better stuff. The poem is a reflection of an obvious truth and for me, the concept is heard of before. So I didnt find it that original, novel rather. Anyway, it is a good effort and shows you have the capacity to do better.
Happy writing!
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