I've read 'The Sun will Follow' and here are my thoughts.
I really like the atmosphere the piece has. It brings across this surreal sensation that is both desperate and empty. The writing is sound in my opinion. reading your piece was effortless and it flowed well.
The main character's plight was something i could relate with. The way you built the structure of the story made this possible. When the main character's wife was brought onto the scene however i felt less immersed. I had no clue who Lara was, not like I knew the main character. Even Levi had more to his name than Lara. that's why her death meant nothing and added very little to the story. The relationship between Brian and Lara is hardly explored and as of such carried little weight. I would either remove the part with Lara or expand on her character because as is it gets in the way more than it adds anything to the story.
In conclusion, great little story that made me sympathize with the main character and succeeded very well in creating an atmosphere where the story could blossom. My only criticism lies in the (in my humble opinion) forced nature of the Lara character. she's more a plot device than an actual character.
apart from that relatively minor thing I think you did a good job though!
I just read your story 'Captain Griffon' and here's what i thought about it:
First off, I found it to be entertaining, the dialogue was well written and the characters were (considering the short length of the story) effectively portrayed. The main character was capable and in charge without coming across like she´s invincible. A mayor flaw I often find in stories is where it is so obvious the writer adores his or her character that you can feel no harm is going to come to said character. I thought the nature of the antagonist came across quite well and his character worked even though I think he was bit basic.
That actually is my main critique of your story because like the antagonist it was a bit basic. It´s well executed as a whole, but the lack of an idea behind it made your story a little plain. It didn't have a unique feel to it. The name of the main character "Captain Griffon" and the event dubbed "The dragon war" all sound a little, well... dare I say it, cliche. I think some more original names and an interesting idea would have elevated your story from entertaining to really good, because as i said, your writing is solid.
I feel there is much more to be had from this idea though and wonder if you kept it this short on purpose.
Presenting the story as journal entries works, i like it. It makes the story, short as it is feel greater than the sum of its parts.
It does feel kind of unconnected though, is it historical fiction or is it set in a universe of your own making? The story mostly made me think of world war one, but the reference about slaughtering Jews somewhat counters this.
I liked it enough that i felt like sharing my thoughts about it.
If you do decide to turn this idea into a longer story i will most certainly read it.
All the best,
Martin
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