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114 Public Reviews Given
137 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I prefer to take an in-depth approach, citing examples of referencing, style, voicing, and grammar errors, but at the same time I try to be encouraging. My goal isn't to pick a writing apart a piece at a time but to help make it the best writing it can be. I often will include links to articles that may help with an error, if that error seems to be a writer's weak point (we all have one). I try to do all of this while at the same time being energetic, encouraging, and positive!
I'm good at...
Style is to me, the single most paramount key to a good narrative after plot and emotional effect have been established. As such, I tend to find structuring, wording, and voicing concerns quicker than anything else.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Dark, Supernatural, Occult, Horror/Scary, Action Adventure, Thriller/Suspense.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica (won't review it or even bother to read it, sorry)
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters, Novels, Novellas, Contest Entries, and Poetry. Chapters may require some context if you'd like me to review one.
Least Favorite Item Types
I don't really have a least favorite, but I would say the most difficult to review is a Novel simply for size. Second would be poetry. I enjoy poetry but I'm useless at determining what makes a good poem.
I will not review...
Erotica, sorry, Heterosexual or Homosexual, it's just not my thing. I'm sure that whatever you have is lovely, but I just can't read it.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Him.  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I saw this writing under the Newbie section and would like to take a few minutes to extend to you my welcome and offer you my thoughts.

I read this in its entirety before deciding to write this review and would like to preface this by stating first and foremost, I'm no poet. I'm likely not even a good judge for poetry. That said, I'm not going to do the usual deep dive I do into a writing, but rather just simply offer you my thoughts.

I want to say wholeheartedly, this is art. I'm a hopeless romantic. I love the romantic writers, Keats, Wordsworth, Clare, this is in my ballpark of what I like to read.

Like I said, I'm a poor judge of poetry but I can judge what it did to me as a reader. This really pulled on me. The cosmic sides of inexplicable infatuation is explored very well in your language.

I really enjoyed the lines of constellations, that was a brilliant image.

The only stylistic suggestion that I can offer to you here is your double and single hyphens for pause can be replaced with — by simply typing {emdash}.

Aside from that, I think you have a writing to be proud of. Well done, and I thank you for sharing it. I'll have to dig out my old poetry book and start studying a bit.

I look forward to reading more of your work, based off this writing, I must assume that it is sensational.

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2
2
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello there, I noticed your writing under the Read a Newbie  Open in new Window. Section on my homepage. The title was intriguing, so here I am. I'd like to extend my welcome to you before we get going. I hope you find this site and community as helpful as I have over these many years.

Before I get into the review, I'd like to preface this with a bit of information as to my review style. I take a pretty in-depth approach to reviewing, so it may appear that I'm really picking something apart. Please understand, even if the comments come across as negative or even mean-spirited, that is not at all my intention. I'm only offering you my thoughts and I hope that they can help you understand the perspective of a reader.

I'd like to add that sometimes in some of my reviews you will see words with a dotted underline like this. This a section of a sentence that I've marked for your attention. There is a comment packed in that you can read by mousing over the word that has been underlined. I hope I've explained that well enough for you, I'm not very good at explaining things.

With all that out of the way, let's get to the review.



*** Opening ***


I have to say I really like the start to this. Very cool. It has a nice rhythm and is an intriguing hook to your story. I would however, consider a minor stylistic change to it. I think this could be accomplished with one sentence, no need for the period there, but if you're keen on the pause for tonal purposes, perhaps consider an — {emdash}

Really though, that's a solid start regardless of whether or not you make changes to it.

*** Style and Voice ***


I'm alone and it's starting to feel it will always be this way.
A first person soliloquy takes some bravery. It's hard to write without it droning on. While what I marked above seems real insignificant, keeping a reader's attention through a reflection like this is accomplished easier by reducing the words that I have to wade through to see your point.

*Right*...but from my own experience later in life. I can say it was bad.
Because you haven't really addressed anyone else in this narrative, you wouldn't need to label this experience as your own, the reader already knows this.

*Right*We were relocated to my grandparents in Scotland.
You haven't mentioned others in this narrative, so We isn't the correct pronoun. You'd have to mention who else with you was relocated, or simply say:
*Thought*I was relocated to my grandparents in Scotland.

*Right*This is around the time I have my first unquestionable memories from.
Technically, it isn't wrong to end a sentence in a preposition, it is however, not always accepted, personally, I don't care, but just a caution. That said this sentence is very wordy and could be restructured to read a little better.
*Thought*This is around the time my first unquestionable memories appear.
A simple restructuring like this gets the point across easier and with less words.

It would be silly for me to copy the entire thing, but there is a large chunk in paragraph 6 that switches to present tense and then goes back to past tense.

*Right*...stress and anxiety to the point of those symptoms ...
There's no reference to any symptoms in the narrative thus far, you'd have to establish for the reader what symptoms these are.

...value in this world I was born out of.
I'd suggest restructuring this for less wordiness and a better impact.
*Thought*...value in this world which I was born.

*Right*He had always had a gambling addiction, but this very strange relationship formed.
The past perfect tense and the usage of the demonstrative pronoun this makes the sentence a little confusing. I'd consider a restructure like this:
*Thought*He always had a gambling addiction, but a strange relationship formed.
This removes the wordiness and makes the sentence more direct. It also removes the adverb very which I find to be of all adverbs, the least useful one. If I may quote John Keating from
         'The Dead Poets Society:' ▼

*Right*I accepted with giddy , It felt as if I was joining the club.




*** Grammar ***


*Right*I believe I have a memory of this time period, it's of my mother.
This is known as a comma splice—joining two independent clauses together with a comma when they are actually themselves, separate and complete sentences. Because of the tone and style of your writing, you could replace it with a period, but I would recommend, though fallen out of fashion, a semi-colon.
*Thought*I believe I have a memory of this time period; it's of my mother.

*Right*I can't definitively describe the environment of that home, but from my own experience later in life. I can say it was bad.

*Right*A few times in my life, social workers have made inexplicable decisions, I hope it's just pure incompetence rather than something malicious. But sometimes it feels malicious.
Couple of things that I mentioned in the popnotes, but a reformatting of the entirety of this would work better:
*Thought*A few times in my life, social workers have made inexplicable decisions. I hope it's just pure incompetence rather than something malicious, but sometimes it feels malicious.

*Right*The police did come, we were returned to our grandparents.
These 2 independent clauses need to be joined with the conjunction and or separated by either a period or semi-colon.

*Right*We were told stories of sexual abuse, glass in the food. And people disappearing





*** Typos ***


*Right*I've developed into a multi faceted person, one of high passion.

*Right*But within that mix of self, There is a lot of internal strife

*Right*I've only ever seen him a few times since this.

*Right*This highly effected us, my older brother especially.
Common mistake but effect is a noun, affect is a verb.

*Right*I was young, but I remember how scared I was here.
Unless you and I are standing in that place, here is not the correct preposition.

*Right*...and other flashes of us in strangers houses.

*Right*And I believe they seriously effected the development of my young mind.

*Right*I think mainly due to my mothers interference.

*Right*Then my mother would do what she would {popnote:"does.}do.

*Right*...I saw what used to be my mothers



*** Ending ***


This isn't the true ending, but it ended in a place that actually made me angry at the scene. If I could score it based on emotional response its a 10/10



*** Summary ***


You poured a lot into this writing, and it shows. This a real emotional ride for a reader and I'm guessing this was not something that was easy for you to write. I know it might seem like I really hung it out to dry, but I wanted to maintain this review from the perspective of an objective reader. This was visceral. Truly.

Honestly, I feel for you. I want to give you a hug. Your testimony here really hit home so emotionally, but it could hit even harder.

It truly cries that the agony of life is a constant action and reaction to events and circumstance.

I dare to call it marvelous, considering the content of the writing, but what you achieved in writing this is nothing short of marvelous.

I don't know where this is going to go as you've alluded to a 2nd part to this, but from what I've read, you've got some real tenacity to have made it to writing this. I admire you for that.

Thank you for sharing this, it was a privilege to read it.

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3
3
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I found your writing while browsing the read and review section and I'd like to offer you my thoughts. I noticed that you joined only last month, so please allow me to extend my warmest welcome to you, I hope you find this community as helpful as I have these many years.

I'd like to preface this review with this: I take a pretty in-depth approach to reviewing, as such it might come across that I pick apart the writing pretty hard. This may seem negative or mean-spirited but it is not intended as such. I only wish to offer what help I can coming from a reader.

I'll also mention you might see some words with a dotted underline like this. This is a particular area of a sentence that I marked for your attention. I have packed a comment in there that you can read by simply mousing over the dotted underlined word. I hope I've explained that well enough.

With all that out of the way, let's get this review going.



*** Opening ***


I really like the tone you're setting with the opening hook. Very nice. There's only one thing in it that I would like to mention. This isn't a big deal but you've used a double hyphen as an emdash. You can accomplish a proper — by simply typing {emdash}

*** Style and Voice ***


The style of your writing is pretty natural and well executed. I'd like to mention that perhaps consider spacing your dialogue and paragraphs a little bit. I'm not quite at the age where I squint to read, but I'm getting there. This is more for comfort of your readers.

Really there's not a lot of fault in your narrative but there's a couple things I'd like to point out:

*Right*The kettle began to whistle1 , its sharp, grating tone pulling2 me from whatever limbo I had been in.
This may seem a bit knit picky because really, thus far the writing style is quite solid and melancholy. That is why I marked this sentence, as there's two issues I have with it.
The first issue is that the opening of the sentence is telling the reader the kettle is whistling rather than showing. The sound you describe right after is decent but the start of the sentence diminishes what could be my own imagination doing the work.

The second issue is that something that ought to be snapping the character out of the stupor is written in a passive voice like a doctor is going over a list of symptoms rather than someone telling a story at a campfire. Because of this, I don't feel any of the shock that I should feel. Something more direct would better deliver this sentence:

*Thought*The sharp, grating whistle of the kettle pulled me from my limbo.

This gets the point across a little quicker, as well as still marks that the sound snapped the character out of it, but it does so without so much indirect verbiage.

*Right*"Hey, mate. You're up early," he said, his voice carrying forced brightness.
I get what you're saying here, but it's worded kind of odd. Perhaps it's the gerund phrase but I won't blame that. I think there needs to be a bit more exploration of the main character's senses here or even something a bit reflective to describe his roommate's voice better.

*Right*The house falls quiet, punctuated only by the distant hum of the boiler.
Thus far the entire narrative has been in past tense, this kind of stuck out here, most likely just a mistake but I marked it for your attention.

*Right*...as if proximity to the dead was enough to bind us together.
Stylistically, I really like this ending to the sentence. Puts a lot of depth to the reflections of this character. Well done!

*Right*The thought made my chest feel tight...
This is another case of telling rather than showing. First person is hard to write without avoiding telling, but sometimes some of it really comes through more than others. This line for example, any time a first person narrative tells me the character felt something. That stands out as unexplored areas for the senses.

Choking up is something that should come with a lot of symptoms that you could explore. Yes there's the tightness in the chest, and strange numbness in the fingers, things like this can better assist the reader in feeling what the character is feeling more than the character telling me their chest was tight.

*Right*...succumbing to gravity and landing with a soft, anticlimactic plink in the puddle below.
It's a little verbose, but this is a great example of showing rather than telling. I had no trouble at all imagining this image due to the way in which you wrote it. Very nice.



*** Typos ***


its tyres hissing against the wet ground...
I might be wrong about this. I noticed you mentioned tea, and 'mate.' in your story so I think it's fair to assume you or at least your character is metric, like my wife. Is this the metric spelling of tires? If so, then ignore this.

*** Ending ***


Very nice ending.



*** Summary ***


The character was relatable and very somber. The whole story was a shade of gray. In a good way I mean, written in a method that it changed from one shade to another but never lost the edge of melancholy and stupefying reflection.

It seemed there was going to be a lot of tell vs. show comments made, but at the end of the story, you really started shining with imagery. I would have linked an article speaking on this, but you have a clear grasp of what to do to guide the reader's thoughts. I'm wondering if this was perhaps mildly deliberate.

If it was, very neat, if a little overbearing.

I will say overall, it was a very well written piece, worthy of praise. I enjoyed it very much, thank you for sharing it.

Again, welcome to writing.com, and I look forward to seeing more of your work.



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4
4
Review of The New Woman  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, I found this writing while I was browsing the Read & Review section and I'd like to take a few minutes to offer you my thoughts. I'd like to mention that I noticed you have just joined writing.com today and for that I'd like to extend to you my warmest welcome. I hope you find this site and its community as helpful as I have over these many years.

I'd like to preface this review by mentioning, I go pretty in-depth. This might be somewhat jarring, as some folks don't generally expect such a thorough analysis. Bear in mind that while what I say may come across as negative, I don't at all intend it as such and only desire to offer you my own thoughts as a reader. It's my goal to help in what way I can in bringing to light what some may see as shortcomings in a writing. None of the comments are meant to be mean-spirited.

You'll notice in this review, some of the words will have a dotted underline beneath them like this . This is an area of a sentence that I marked for your attention. I've packed a comment in it that can be read by simply mousing over the dotted underlined word. Hopefully that makes sense, I'm not great at explaining that.

With that said, lets get to the meat of this.



*** Opening ***


For starters, I'm a bit confused by the entirety of the writing in relation to the opening. I'm not sure if this is a funeral and a wedding, or the memory of a funeral before a wedding. There's simply nothing to separate them. That said, I'd like to bring to light that the opening falls a little flat. The opening line is your one and usually only chance at hooking a reader to continue reading. There's nothing in the opening line to leave me with the desire to continue to read. While the entirety of the open paragraph is good and reflective, and sets a solid tone and mood to the narrator of your story, I'd consider rethinking that first line. The greatest opening lines in stories implore you to keep going.

         A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens ▼

         The Crow Road by Iain Banks ▼

         One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey ▼

Lines like these grab your attention. Look at your opening and ask yourself, what about this makes someone want to read more? That's the art of the opening line, and probably, at least in my opinion the biggest challenge of a writer.


*** Style and Voice ***


I'd like to mention that the main character to this story is nameless, only being referred to as 'NW.' I don't mind a bit of mystery in a character at all, and in a lot of circumstances and can add a lot to a writing, but as I read, reciting 'NW' really trips me up. This could just be me, but I felt it worth mentioning. I think even just a first name could contribute a lot more to this character.

*Right*NW wondered what she would have said if she’d known the last time she spoke to the Professor was in an innocuous email eight months before.
I get the reflective nature of this sentence, and it does evoke the emotions well but I think the way it is structured hinders its flow and impact on the reader.

I think it's also worth pointing out that an email wouldn't really constitute speaking, as that would be over a phone call or conversation.

I'd consider moving the 8 months prior earlier in the sentence to drive home to the reader the span of time it has been.

*Thought*NW wondered what she would have said eight months ago had she known that innocuous email would be their last exchange.
A format like this removes some of the wordiness and adds her reflection of the time that has past, to the front of the line which evokes more engagement with the reader.

She’d meant to reach out again, especially after hearing that the cancer had returned with a vengeance. It just hadn’t worked out.
Other than the little correction in red, this is a terrific emotional set of statements. Very relatable. Well done!

*Right*It rang almost six times.
This is a bit of an odd sentence. Almost six, in terms of telephone rings is five.
To keep the reader's head into the reality of the scene, something like this can be pretty distracting. I'd simply reword this to say:
*Thought*It rang five times.


I'd like to point out the dialogue over the phone feels very natural, and kind of distant, like the conversation between two people not on the best of terms. This is really well-crafted.


*** Grammar ***


I found no blaring errors in grammar.



*** Typos ***


...she pulled out her phone and dialleddialed that horrible number.

...and her disabilityinability to describe hers to one therapist.



*** Ending ***


Pretty distinct turn-around from the beginning. I like it but as I mentioned before, this feels a little disjointed to the opening part of the narrative.



*** Summary ***


The tone of the narrative is reflective and melancholy, but it ends on a more positive note. Ups and downs like this are a solid way to engage the reader by pulling at their heartstrings, for that I think you've done well.

There's some issues with the flow and continuity of the writing as a whole. I think I get what it's trying to do, but there needs to be a clear division between the reflection of the character to the next act of the scene, otherwise it distracts the reader.

I'll say again I think the conversation was very well done, I liked that a lot.

Overall I think its a good backbone to a solid, emotional piece of dramatic writing. With some polishing this could be great. Thank you for sharing it, and again, welcome to writing.com.


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5
5
Review of Trust me not!  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello again, you've asked me to have another look at the items in your portfolio, and here I am to keep my word.

I will again preface this review as I have the last one, I've read this writing in its entirety before writing this. So if any of my comments appear to be negative, that is not at all my intention, I'm only here to help bring to light areas of the writing that I think could use some attention. This is going to be a fairly in-depth review, so the comments you'll see might seem not-so-great, but I assure you, the things I see are simply areas that stand out to me as a reader. They don't diminish the emotion that your writing evokes which you've done that remarkably well.

I want to mention you will see certain words with a dotted underline like this . This is a point of a sentence that requires some attention, and I've packed in a comment that you can read by simply mousing over the word that has the dotted underline. I hope I explained that well enough, I'm not very good at explaining things.

With that said, I'd like to again welcome you to writing.com and I hope to see more of you around the community!

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get the review started.



*** Opening ***


You've got a mouthful of a sentence here. 37 words! That's a pretty big bite to take in right off the bat. Your opening line is the one and only shot you have at grabbing the reader's imagination and imploring them to read more. That said, and this is only an opinion, I find the best hooks and openers are done with few words. At least for me, this primes the imagination to want to finish the set-up that was constructed by these opening lines. Some examples of this:

         One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey ▼

         Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury ▼

         The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo ▼

*Right*Hopping with joy all over the cage, the little white puppy was ready to play, he had many visitors but none was ready to play as for them the white pup was a burden without a leg.
Granted, I love the setup, but it needs to take its time and breathe a little. This is a LOT for a reader to take in in the very beginning and could best be managed by breaking it into smaller chunks.

*Thought*Hopping with joy all over the cage, the little white puppy was ready to play.
This is more than enough for the opener to set a tone and get a reader excited before you smash it with the next couple of lines, which to be honest I like that the overall exposition of the puppy 180's almost immediately. Thats a neat literary mechanic you've done.

The bits that I've underlined are areas that kind of fall on themselves due to the wording.
*Right*          was is the wrong 'to be' form in the context of the sentence.
*Right*          as for them isn't quite right in the big picture of the sentence and would require a cause and reason conjunction such as because

*Thought*He had many visitors but none were ready to play because for them, without a leg the little white pup was a burden.
This format of the sentence flows a little easier, but more importantly the last section that you mention burden without a leg suggests that the burden has no leg rather than the puppy. In the format I've done the Puppy has no leg and therefore IS a burden. Granted, I understand what you're saying in the sentence so this is only a suggestion to make it easier on the readers.



*** Style and Voice ***


Phew! That was a lot to take in I imagine. Sorry about that. I will mention in it's format, the entirety of the opening reads in a passive voice. For me at least, this isn't an issue because it sets what I think to be the right tone for the scene. Others are not so open-minded about active and passive voice so I've decided to mention it.

Passive voice in the easiest explanation generally gives emphasis to the predicate verb rather than to the subject noun. Generally this happens because the action acts upon the subject rather than the subject performing the action.

*Right*          Hopping with joy all over the cage, the little white puppy was ready to play.
In this format the verb (action) is acting on the noun (subject)

*Thought*          The little white puppy was ready to play as he hopped all over the cage.
In this format the noun (subject) is performing the action (verb)

Again like I said, to me, I think what you have is perfectly fine, as it sets a tone, but I wanted to caution you as there is a near dogmatic point of view that all passive voice is bad. To me, this is an imperfect understanding of literary mechanics, but be careful you don't use passive voice too much, as it does get to be a rather flat read.

With that said, there's a line that could use some attention:
*Right*One day our pup had a visitor who decided to take him home but the pleasure quickly faded away when he started the angry abuse.
This sentence hits hard. Real hard. It makes me feel for this little fella, but the note I've mentioned above needs some attention. This tells rather than shows. Show me the pleasure. Think of how a dog acts when it is excited:

         Wags its tail
         Rears up
         Does that weird run in a circle hop thing that my stupid dog does

These will show the reader the pleasure the dog feels. It will slow the pace of your story down a bit, but sometimes the reader needs a breath of fresh air. This again will also contribute to the high-low method of delivery in your writing that you've captured so well.

Days passed and our pup was grown up to be thin, all skin and bones with all the beatings he had to his face.
There's 2 comments to make with this sentence other than the note above. What I underlined is a bit of unnecessary wordiness. If the puppy is skin and bones, you don't need to tell me he's thin.
Because of the ending to this sentence, rather than mentioning the puppy is thin which only really adds unnecessary weight to the statement that he's skin and bones, and does nothing to the statement about his beatings, a better adjective could be used to modify both clauses:
*Thought*Days passed, and our pup was grown up to be ragged, all skin and bones with all the beatings he had to his face.

The other issue here is the entire sentence is telling rather than showing. Show me how the puppy looks. Skin and bones though I see it, is really lacking what my imagination could be seeing.
You'd see his ribs, you'd see every joint in his body, he'd be weak, he'd be sickly. All of these will elicit emotions from your reader and really paint a better picture. Don't however, simply say the things I've listed otherwise you'd be back to telling vs. showing. Think of this narrative as what Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon likes to call a guided dream.

*Right*A fine day with little less misery for our dog came in quite a while.
I'm not quite sure what is going on in this sentence but the last bits of it aren't needed. The mood set with it is good, but the dog needs to be in the forefront for it to work. I'd suggest a restructure such as this:

*Thought*A fine day came for the dog when there was a little less misery.
This flows a bit better for the reader, but it also keeps the tone you've done.

It was a little girl with cookies in her hands, she stretched her arm and offered to our dog a bite.
There's a couple issues here. First, this is a comma splice wherein you're connecting to independent clauses with a comma. This Isn't too big a deal and could be fixed with a period, but I'd consider this more of a style thing than a grammar thing as it's a bit wordy and can be condensed without taking away from the scene:

*Thought*It was a little girl with cookies in her outstretched hand.
This offers the reader the same picture without all the extra wordiness.



*** Grammar ***


Some grammatical errors, one I mentioned above in the opening section: was and as for them

*Right*Scared & tired with the blows our dog decided to run away, now when he became a stray life still wasn't kind to it.

Couple things here, I love the setup with this sentence, but a lot of it is conflicting with itself due to its format. What I marked in red should be better structured and separated from the idea that the puppy is also tired. If you were getting beaten, of course you'd be scared, but the beatings wouldn't make you tired I don't think.

*Thought*Scared from the blows and tired, the dog decided to run away, but when he became a stray, life still wasn't kind.
This emphasizes that the beatings are making the puppy scared, but he is also tired (not from the beatings). It also removes the implication that the narrator is part of the abuse by replacing our with the.

That said the entire sentence could be further condensed to read as impactful without the wordiness of from the blows. You've already established this previously in the story so unless there's a new condition making the puppy scared, then it's actually not contributing anything to the sentence that the reader doesn't already know.

*Thought*Scared and tired, the dog decided to run away, but when he became a stray, life still wasn't kind.
This accomplishes the same delivery, only with less words and because of this, it hits harder due to the reader not having to wade through context that they don't need.



*** Typos ***


*Right*Strangers would beat him and the kids would throughthrow rocks.

*Right*...ran away as far as it cancould...



*** Ending ***


I want to say, this was not at all the ending I was expecting. I really like that! A surprise compared to what I was predicting is an excellent way to put a cherry on top of your writing. Very well done.

*** Summary ***


I want to mention you utilize a style in your sentencing that is very effective. You start a lot of your sentences on a high note, eliciting a more happy or pleasant emotion, and end them with a low note, pulling on empathy and sadness. This works very well to your advantage, and keeps the reader engaged on an emotional level. I'd highly encourage you to keep developing that stylistic approach because it works great!

There's a good few things in the writing that I think could use some attention, but man does it pull at the heartstrings hard, and never really lets go. I really felt for this little guy, and sadly I think this is likely an all-too-common situation for many animals. This story evokes a lot of emotion in a reader. With some refinement, this could really hit someone pretty hard.

There were patterns in some of the items I've listed for your attention such as telling vs. showing. and passive vs. active voice, so I've included a couple of articles to help better understand what I mean when I mention it. Granted, as I said before, in the context of the story, I think the voice you used was spot on! Should you however, wish to utilize a more active voicing in this or other writings in the future I decided to include it.

 
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Showing Why Showing is Important Open in new Window. (18+)
Why showing is important in fiction
#1970226 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon

This is an article written by an author that I consider to be one of the very best on writing.com. He really knows his way around what makes a narrative engaging for a reader.


This is a good, quick article discussing active and passive voice in a method that makes it easy to understand.

Thanks again for sharing this writing, and for the invite to further review your work, I was honored. I look forward to seeing more of you on the site and I hope you find this review helpful. Keep on writing!

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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I found your writing while browsing random read and reviews. I'd like to spend a minute and share my thoughts with you. I noticed that you're also new here to writing.com. Welcome! I hope you find this community as helpful as I have these many years.

I'd like to give a bit of a preface to this review before I get going. I read your work in its entirety before deciding to write this. Some of the comments on this might seem negative, but I promise you, these are only meant to help you. None of what I say is intended to be mean-spirited.

Review in affiliation with "Crosstimbers Author Consortium" Open in new Window.


*** Opening ***


That's a whopper of a sentence right in the beginning! 28 words to be exact. Your first line is your first and generally only chance to grab the reader and engage them into the story. Think of some of the greatest opening lines in literature:

         Moby Dick by Herman Melville ▼
         A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens ▼
         1984 by George Orwell ▼
         The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein ▼

Right from the off, in only a few words, these lines set a tone, without going on and on about who and what.

*Right*In a tiny little cage there lived a blue fluffy budgie her name was Buga just to her right in another cage comparatively bigger was a parrot Dula.

The bit that is underlined struck me pretty well. I like your first bit of words in the opening, it's not much of a hook, but it sets the tone very nicely. It has a bit of flare similar to The Tale of Despereaux. Or even, dare I say, The Hobbit. Remarkably fairy-tale'ish.'

That said, the first sentence is about twice as long as it should be, and is lacking a bit of punctuation in certain spots.

*Thought*In a tiny little cage there lived a blue fluffy budgie. Her name was Buga. Just to her right in another cage comparatively bigger was a parrot, Dula.

This is a suggestion of a way to break down that opening into more manageable, bite size chunks while maintaining the tone of the narrative. This is however, your story. If you like it the way it is, by all means. This is just my thought.

*** Points that could use some attention ***


There's a couple things in the writing that stand out to me:

*Right*Just opposite was Dula who was also in a cage...
You've already established this in the opening lines. This statement isn't needed and only clutters the narrative.

...but he used to eat all of his seeds and then sings...
The underlined sections are conflicting tenses, you go from past to present tense in this statement.

*Thought*...but he used to eat all of his seeds and sing...

But for Buga life had no hope or Joy as the sky was out of reach and her wings of no use.
I like this line a lot, very evocative. However, I assume the bird has more than one wing. This was likely just a typo.

*** Ending ***


Pretty sad ending. In the few words used in the narrative it leaves a lot of room for thought and analysis. Very well done.

*** Summary ***


There's some things in the narrative that could use some attention, but in its entirety, it speaks volumes. A nice read. A bit bleak in comparison to the beginning, but I like the 180. I enjoyed this writing. Thank you for sharing it and again, welcome to writing.com.

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Review of Things Change  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I found this on a random read & review click, and I'd like to share my thoughts on the writing with you.

This won't be a super in-depth analysis of the writing, as there's not a whole lot here for me to really pick apart. What I can say, however, being a parent (and a car-guy myself) is this is very rooted and impactful in all the right ways.

*** Style and Voice ***


The child's fiddling with language is very well depicted.

I do pity her though. Cars as a hobby is probably the biggest and deepest money-pits known to man. It's fun though.

There's however, once sentence that felt less like the perspective of the child, and more like an outside observer:

*Right*“No Honey, it’s a car, an auto-mobile,” Mom said slowly, trying to keep things straight, without confusing her.
The underlined bit doesn't seem like it's quite in the viewpoint of Tina and more on the outside of the scene looking in. Up to this point, it felt like it was written fairly consistently from Tina's perspective.

Other than that, there was really nothing else I could find blaring out at me in the writing.

*** Summary ***


Nearly the entire narrative is done through dialogue. I'm curious if this was an old dialogue contest entry. I will say, that there's no spot in it that really dampens the narrative. The dialogue is well crafted and believable and strikes the heartstrings of any parent whose had this activity with their kids.

In short, it's quaint, and fun. I don't know how it faired in the contest it was written for, but it gets top marks from me, well done.

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Review of Devil in details  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there, I found this while searching random reads. I see you're only 10 days old here at writing.com so as such I'd like to welcome you. I hope you find this community as helpful as I have these many years. With that said, I'd like to share my thoughts on your writing with you.

Review in affiliation with "Crosstimbers Author Consortium" Open in new Window.


*** Opening ***


I like what little words you use doing quite a bit of work. It's short and simple, but it has enough impact to implore me to read more. Well done.

*** Style and Voice ***


There's a few sentences in the writing that trip me up a bit for different reasons that I will explain as I go:

*Right*Every morning, his tie had to be knotted precisely, his shoes shined to a mirror finish, and his coffee brewed at exactly 190 degrees Fahrenheit.

There's a few things here. I'd first mention adding Fahrenheit to the 190 degrees. While I don't mind the unit of measurement, It can be reasonably assumed that its not Celsius or Kelvin or whatever other measurement considering that that would be a pretty extreme temperature. I will say however, in the context of what you're saying, I get why you'd say it. It does kind of add a bit of O.C.D. to the delivery. I'm only commenting that it's adding a bit of context that isn't entirely needed.

I'd also mention you've established in the beginning of the sentence that he does things precisely. Considering that 190 degrees Fahrenheit in itself is already a precise measurement, the adverb exactly is hollow context in a sentence that is already establishing that he is precise. This makes it wordy.

Lastly, there's a LOT of repetition in the sentence. The same modification of the adverbs, I've already mentioned, but the pronoun his is almost like the count of a metronome. This makes it have a boring tempo and really only takes away what the sentence wants to do.

While I like what you're setting up with the sentence as a whole, I think in its format it sort of diminishes the overall oomph of emotional impact it could have on me. This is mildly passive in its delivery and I think a restructuring would hit the reader harder.

*Thought*Every morning, he had to precisely knot his tie, shine his shoes to a mirror finish, and brew his coffee to 190 degrees.
This is only a suggestion, but it removes some unnecessary words that really only diminish the overall idea behind what you're saying.

In short, sometimes less is more.

*Right*Numbers didn’t lie. People did.
That's a great couple sentences right there! This adds in so few words, a lot of depth to this character.

*Right*He kept pulling at the thread, and the picture began to unravel.
Not quite the right wording for this sentence. I have to say is minute as it may seem, this really distracted me.

*Thought*He kept pulling at the thread, and the fabric began to unravel.
Again, just a suggestion, but I think this metaphorically works better.

*** Ending ***

The last sentence was a great juxtaposition. Nicely done.

*** Summary ***


It's a cool gumshoe style story. I really liked it. There's a little in it that I found somewhat lacking which I've mentioned above, but overall, great story. On the whole I'd like to mention you do use a lot of gerund phrases which tend to deliver more passive voicing to the story. Some might find this a bit problematic, but in the overall whole of the story and in its tone, I think it works.

This was a good read, and even if it's not your element, I think you captured the suspense and tension very well. Thank you for sharing it, and again, welcome to writing.com.

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Review of The Last Argument  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I saw your review request so here I am to offer you my thoughts on your work.

Review in affiliation with "Crosstimbers Author Consortium" Open in new Window.


*** Opening ***


You're off to a good start. I like the image you've got going, it's not much of a hook to keep me reading but the image is really good.

*** Style and Voice ***


Most of your narrative is accomplished through dialogue, and I have to say, the dialogue is superb. I'm not a big fan of sci-fi, but I think what you have here really puts a human element to something that we perceive as markedly inhuman.

I'll mention that there wasn't any area in the dialogue that I lost track of who is who, which can be difficult to accomplish.

*** Ending ***


This is a solid ending. It leaves a lot of questions for me in a good way. To be quite honest, you've got something interesting here that I'd love to continue reading.

*** Summary ***


I'm not a reader of sci-fi in most cases, but there is more to this than the far-future technological leaps of mankind, this remains firmly rooted to the ground with abstract and obscure feelings felt through something that shouldn't have them. This is a very intriguing story that has a lot of room for direction of thought.

Solace is a remarkable character that I feel has an amazing story following this interaction. Whether the author chooses to write it or not, I find myself branching down different paths of the imagination to determine where this character's outcomes might be.

There's really nothing for me to fault in this writing. I thank you for sharing it. It was a joy to read.

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Review of The Hum  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there, I found your work while browsing newbie writers, and I would like to first extend my welcome to you. I hope writing.com is as wonderful a community to you as it has been to me for all these years. I'd like to spend some time here and share my thoughts on this writing with you.

*** Opening ***


Intriguing first lines. They work well and compel me to read further. I like abstract and obscure things, so this is right up my alley. The entire paragraph reads well and gives away just enough to keep the story dangling like a carrot on a stick. Well done.

*** Style and Voice ***


You really set a good tone with your prose, very similar to the styles that I like. Inward and emotionally evocative in the first couple paragraphs. I feel this character's constant aggravation very well.

I would make a minor suggestion that the inner dialogue of this character might present itself better in the narrative if it were italicized.

Beyond that one thing I can hardly find anything to fault in your writing. You have a very deft hand when it comes to crafting sentences. I think some might fault some of the structuring as being a bit long winded, and perhaps a mild abundance of emdash punctuation, but I think it's quite well-crafted in terms of the voicing you're utilizing.

*Right*There were no windows, no doors that he could remember entering through.
There's an old proverb to never end a sentence in a preposition. I don't always hold to that, but I say that with all of the remarkable prose around it, this sentence actually did distract me for that very reason. Perhaps a different verb might do the trick or simply removing the preposition.

*Right*The walls were smooth, sterile, and the air was heavy with an oppressive stillness that made his chest tighten.
Thus far, the narrative has been well constructed, but I feel I should note that this sentence reads a bit more passive than I feel it should. I think the oppressive stillness should hit the reader a little harder than it is in its current format. I'd suggest restructuring this sentence a hair:
The walls were smooth, sterile, and the air was heavy with an oppressive stillness that tightened his chest.
It's only a small, nearly unnoticeable change, but it gives more oomph and emphasis to the oppressive stillness that's tightening his chest. This in turn gives it more breadth of effect on the reader by giving it some metaphorical color.

*Right*Across from him, a woman sat, her hands twitching in the lap of her loose, faded dress, her fingers moving like they were trying to hold onto something slipping through them.
Seems kind of odd, but after so many great paragraphs, I brought up the entirety of this one. Coincidence perhaps. I'd like to mention that while this sentence is sound, there's kind of an obscene abundance of gerund phrases i.e. 'ing' actions. This sadly diminishes the imagery with less striking verbiage. Restructuring the sentences a bit could fix this, but otherwise I think it's still decent imagery.

*** Imagery ***


I don't think I've ever made a section in a review for imagery, but I'd like to simply mention you set a very gloomy yet vivid tone with your style. I made this section simply for a line that really drives home well.

*Right*Unremarkable, and yet it felt deliberate, as though it had been crafted for the sole purpose of being forgotten.
I must say that is a brilliantly crafted line.

*** Ending ***


I really anticipated that going a different way through the sequence of events, but it ended even darker than it started. Really took me by surprise. Very good, gloomy ending to a well-written tale.

*** Summary ***


I have to say this is a magnificent tale for those that like the more inward reflective prose. I am actually a bit loathe to fault what I've remarked as items that could perhaps use an adjustment, but it's your story. That said, it's a spectacular bit of writing, if you choose not to do anything with what I mentioned, I think you've still got yourself a fine piece of storytelling worthy of praise.

Well done, this was a pleasure to read, thank you for sharing it. I look forward to seeing more of your work, for you certainly have a gift.

Again, welcome to writing.com

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11
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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Nick, I found this while browsing the newbie writers section and would like to share my thoughts with you on the writing. I noticed you've just joined today so Welcome to writing.com, I hope you find this site as welcoming and helpful as I have these many years I've been here.

I'd like to mention before we get going here, I'm not quite at the age where I'm squinting to read this, but I'm close. The font size does make this a bit uncomfortable to read.

*** Opening ***


It takes a couple of lines, but it is compelling once it gets going. I'm willing to let the first line slide a bit as this is in a letter format.

*** Style and Voice ***


I find myself talking loudly to pretend I'm having a conversation with my own echo.
I'd like to just point out that I really like this line with the establishment of the narrative. This really feeds well into the loneliness of the character.

Nothing but dead yellow sand as far as the eye can see.
This is your story and so far, its captivating, the way the character is talking, I don't feel like "dead" is quite the right word. You mention there's a blue dandelion and vegetation so I wouldn't quite call that dead.

*** Ending ***


Somewhere in the end you lost your Italics.

*** Summary ***


I'm not much of a sci-fi guy, but this is more of a reflective, reminiscent writing. There's elements in it where they need to be, but it was more of an inward expression from a lonely character for me. It's intriguing, and verbose enough to be believable. There's a lot of subjects that don't have much context, that is simply due to the format here, but I'd be interested in learning more about the populus war. I'd also like to learn what the character is referring to as 'Earthie' months. I'm curious to know if this is a time dilation thing or simply the seasonal differences of the planet he's currently on. It could be a good start to an interesting narrative. Should you consider pursuing more exploration of this character and his setting.

If not, what you have here was a nice writing. It accomplished what it needed to in its short length, if I had to knit-pick I do wish the Populus War had a little more depth behind it other than a name.

Otherwise, it was charming. Well done, and again welcome to Writing.com

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Review of Aegis 2 - Heist  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello there, I found your writing on the review request page so here I am. I'd like to mention, you asked for an anything goes review, I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'm deciphering that as a more in-depth review. I won't be going line-by-line, but I'll be going into some pretty nitty gritty detail.

*** Opening ***


I'm usually not real partial to opening with dialogue, but this works fine. I think it does what it needs to do in a few words, and it does it well enough to engage me to go further.

*** Dialogue ***


A lot of the narrative is driven through dialogue, which there's not a problem with that. I think the tags to the dialogue are a bit overbearing and redundant. You're a bit of a saidist. Tagging the dialogue early on is fine, It helps to establish who is who, but it makes things kind of unremarkable.

You have an added advantage in this story because there's only 2 people in it thereby reducing the need for so many tags. i.e. If Catalina said... then the next line, I already know that Mira is talking, so there is no need to tag her with a Mira said... The only true necessary tags are used to establish who is who, emotion, and voice nuance, the rest in my opinion tend to become distracting.

Consider tying the dialogue more into the action. Setting up your characters' actions before whatever line is being said, can remove redundant said, replied, asked. tags.

Your first line for example:
*Right*“Remind me why we can’t just break the door down?” asked Catalina.
Consider putting the reader into the action. You can remove these dialogue tags, and it will make your narrative more engaging. Catalina is clearly irritated with the cautious, slow going, method that Mira is using to do this heist. Knowing that information you can unpack your character a lot more into the exposition. Show her restlessness and anxiety she's getting from impatience. Things like this will give the character more depth and make the dialogue tags less distracting at the same time. This will also give the narrative a lot more vivid imagery.

Some examples of tags that aren't really needed:

*Right*Catalina tried to open their mouth to argue, but thought better of it. They knew that Avery wouldn’t be happy with unnecessary casualties. They clicked their tongue with a frown and looked at the orb.

“We got what we came for. Lets get the hell out of here before I actually have to kill somebody.” said Catalina.
With a restructuring of this, you wouldn't need the dialogue tag. A quick action by Catalina, followed by what she says, and the redundancy is gone.

*Right*“So much for stealth. Mira, lets get this over with.”

“We tried our best, but it seems Avery underestimated the people.” said Mira...

In those two lines, since Avery is addressing Mira with her name you're setting up the dialogue so that I already know who is talking. Therefore, you do not need to tag Mira in the following line.

That said, after those two lines, you go into a pretty enormous paragraph followed by more dialogue. This is where you need a tag, because there's no way for the reader to know who is talking.

An example of a line without a tag that works well into the action and still establishes who said the line:
*Right*Mira began counting down.

“Five... four... three...” reality itself began to quake. They went faster and faster, Catalina smiling all the way. This was the part they enjoyed the most.
You've established before the dialogue through action, that this is Mira's line. This works well into the action and the pace.

*** Style and Voice ***


OK. Now we can talk about the voicing and telling vs. showing. You tend to tell the reader what is happening more than you show it. The whole narrative reads like you're doing an instant replay in a sporting event, only mentioning the bare minimum of atmosphere, and action. This contributes to a shallower story. Put me in the shoes of these characters. Everything is better shown through the five senses: Sight, Smell, Touch, Taste, Sound. This will add depth and richness to the narrative.

*Right*...replied Mira, trying to figure out the security system to the building.
This line has a couple things that could use some attention. The Gerund phrase that I've underlined makes it read in a passive voice and is a bit weak in impact, this in turn also contributes to a Telling vs. Showing. But first let's discuss the gerund phrase because there's a good few of them in the writing. Gerund phrases are verbs ending in "ing." Sometimes, as a writer, they can simply feel unavoidable, and sometimes they are. I've got no problems with a couple, but generally the make for a weaker delivery of the scene because they diminish the action with passive voice. A way to make this a more active sentence would be something like this:
replied Mira, as she to navigated through the building's security systems.
Something like that delivers better because the verbs are more definitive, this adds more vivid imagery to the scene.

That said, the whole line is telling more than it is showing. You can explore a lot of exposition here with this security system. How is she trying to figure it out? Is she hacking a mainframe? Is she at a terminal somewhere? Is she in a relay box? Where on the building are they? Are they in the building? There's a lot of possibilities with this line that could add a lot of richness to the atmosphere.

*Right*They slapped the air in front of them and the chopper began to spin like something had hit its tail.
This is another example of telling vs. showing. I get what you're trying to say there, at least I think, their slaps are producing some sort of sonic, or kinetic wave? You can explore that a bit, talk about the air displacement, or the other physics of it I might not understand. You could also talk about the impact on the craft itself. All of these would deliver a better picture to your reader.

*Right*...much to the credit of this world’s future technology...
This doesn't read correctly in the context of the story. The two characters you've introduced are clearly more advanced in their technology than the chopper, so I think you meant to say, primitive technology

*Right*Bullets bounced off Catalina and Mira like mosquito bites
In my experience, mosquito bites don't bounce. I would consider a different simile.

*Right*One hit Catalina in the eye, making them have to blink a little in frustration.
This is very telling to the reader. Put me in the eyes of this character for a moment here, frustration has a lot of symptoms. You could mention any of those to better show me the frustration this character has more so than "blink a little"

*Right*...overwhelming presence of power over them as the gateway began to open...
This is another example of telling vs. showing. There's a lot of cool things atmospherically that you could do with a gateway opening. Talk about what it looks like, what it sounds like, what does it do to the air around it?

*** Grammar ***


*Right*Catalina tried to open their mouth to argue, but thought better of it.
No comma needed here.

*Right*It turned its side to them, soldiers with guns shouting to put their hands up.
These are two independent clauses that while in your own mind are related, but grammatically they aren't. Therefore, the comma here is what is known as a comma splice. This could be fixed with either separating these clauses into two sentences, a semicolon (although in the context of the line, this really wouldn't work) Or you can add something to the chopper to make the sentence work better. Turning to its side and revealing the bay where the soldiers are would be a way to do this. Otherwise, your 2nd clause is not establishing that these soldiers are in the chopper, even if you and I know they are.

*** Summary ***


The story has some quality to it. That much is certain. The foundation is there and the suspense is there. That said, a lot of the narrative is diminished by redundant tags, and telling vs. showing. While the pace moves pretty quickly, there's a lot of missed opportunities to explore more of the atmosphere around the characters you've introduced through their own eyes. This will better engage the reader, and hold their interest. It's not a bad story, and with refinement, it could really drive to be a solid and suspenseful sequence of events.

Here are some articles that I think could better help you further your understanding of dialogue tags, and showing vs telling.

SAIDism Open in new Window. (E)
The bane of good dialogue.
#1317481 by Ladyoz Author IconMail Icon

This is a really good article to help understand when and when not to use dialogue tags. I'm sharing this with you because I am also guilty of over-tagging, that's why I know about this article.


This is a great article discussing the differences between showing and telling, written by a member of writing.com that I consider to be one of the very best.

Thanks for posting it on the reviewing page. It has a lot of potential. I wish you well and hope to see more of your work.

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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello there and welcome to writing.com

I saw your message in the noticing newbies forum, and I am here to offer you my thoughts on your work.

Let me first caution you that the content of your narrative does not match the rating you've given it. Your character uses some curse words, making this not suitable for everyone, which is what you rated it. Some more information on the content rating system can be found here:

"Content Rating System (CRS)" Open in new Window.

After reading this, I'm under the impression that this is perhaps translated to English, if that is the case, I suppose I ought to be reviewing the translator but either way if it is or isn't, I'm here to offer suggestions and mark what I found in the writing that could use some attention. I'll mention there's quite a few errors in this, and I've only marked some of the ones I found to be most distracting.

*** Opening ***


I'll say it's not often that I come across a writing that's in 2nd person point of view. You're already establishing a link to the reader this way that is intriguing. This is a brave endeavor, 2nd person in my experience requires a certain finesse and style that seems to elude me.

Your opening is ominous, but its lacking a bit of context at the end I'll elaborate on this below in the style and voicing section of the review, however despite that, it does pull me in.

*** Style and Voicing ***


*Right*As you walk on the bridge at midnight, the eerie silence makes your hair stand. Stand what? Stand on end?
The opening line of your story is your one shot at hooking the reader into the narrative. While you've set the tone, you've done it merely by addressing the reader directly. There's more that can be done in this sentence as it is lacking depth and richness due to it telling me what I'm experiencing rather than showing me. Perhaps a rephrasing and a bit more of the symptomatic effect the eerie silence has could achieve this. Consider:
Goosebumps crawl up and down your skin and your hair stands on end during the midnight walk across the bridge. The eerie silence...
Just a suggestion, but you can explore a lot of reader experiences through their senses. Feel, touch, taste, smell, sight. All of these excite emotions and have an impact on the narrative. You can also accomplish a lot of showing over telling, by giving these ominous, abstract (eerie silence) ideas life. Eerie silence can act on your subject i.e. the reader. This can be accomplished by using vivid and distinct verbs. To set the tone you're trying to achieve I'd suggest something like pricking, stabbing, teasing, whispering, etc. Subtle but lively enough to give it some life.

Upon further reading, your opening conflicts with the rest of your narrative. As the very next line of the narrative and throughout its entirety thereafter is now in first person perspective. This is a glaring distraction to the reader too early in to not mention. This, however can easily be rectified by changing the pronouns in your opening lines to I, Me, We, Us, etc.

*Right*...do a number on one's mind.
This is another example of telling rather than showing. There's a lot of emotional potential here that can be explored. Reflective and philosophical sentences can really pull on the reader's strings (so long as they're not overused, something I'm guilty of doing.) Elaborate on the "do a number." What is it doing? Is it making the mind wander? Is it evoking feelings of emotion? Is it causing some kind of delirium or tricks of the light? All these things could be potential causes of a "do a number" statement.

*Right*...lead to company with Mr. cold.
This does evoke some degree of eeriness and it is spooky, but it reads a little odd. If the underlined is an entity, or even if you're just giving a sort of title to the temperature, the 'C' needs to be capitalized.

*Right*As I hold the palm sized dull bronze key in my hand, its cold metallic touch sends a shiver down my spine.
I'll mention that the previous sentence said the key was copper rather than bronze so there's a conflict there, however, this is a good image, and an example of exploring your reader's senses rather than simply telling them context. It is however a bit weak in its structure due to some unnecessary context which clutters the image. I've underlined them above. Being that it's a key, unless its unusually small or large, we can assume it fits in the palm of the hand thereby that context isn't needed. You've also stated that it's bronze, being that bronze is a metal, I already know that the key is going to have a metallic feel, therefore that context is also not needed.
As I hold the dull bronze key in my hand, its cold touch sends a shiver down my spine.
Simply removing hollow context delivers a greater impact to the image. This is however, an otherwise solid example of showing over telling.

There's a lot of repetition in the first half of your story. You've used the word cold 4 times in 3 paragraphs, this can be very distracting to the reader and also makes the narrative a bit flat. Sometimes simple is better but there's a lot that can be unpacked from the word "cold." Again consider exploring the reader's senses, what does the cold do to you? It makes you shiver, it gives you goosebumps, it makes your breath visible, it makes your teeth chatter, etc. All of this will give the narrative more flavor and character and add an alluring life to the setting just by exploring something as trivial as the word "cold."

*** Grammar ***


There's some mishmash in here. Again, I think this is likely due to a translation function, but I'll cite some examples:

*Right*Yesterday's rain have washed the bridge for the third time in this week. no period needed And itsit's only the fourth day of the week.
To avoid repetition of the word 'week' consider replacing the underlined section with an actual day i.e. Thursday. The whole sentence would read like this:
Yesterday's rain washed the bridge for the third time this week and it's only Thursday.

*** Ending ***


I am curious to see what significance this key has in the tale. This is an intriguing closing to the chapter.

*** Summary ***


As much potential as the narrative has to evoke tension and suspense, it is diminished due to odd sentence structure, pronoun misuse, "to be" form misuse, and very jumbled prose.

I'm relatively certain that this was translated from a different language to English, so I can't fault the writer if that is the case, but I will make note that it is a distraction.

I had to labor to understand the narrative due to the odd linguistics, but from what I was able to discern through a restructuring and replacing of certain words, the narrative is ominous and brooding. I'd be interested to read it once it is polished, as it has a lot of potential.

I hope the marks I've mentioned above don't discourage you from exploring the wonders of writing, I'm not here to bash someone's ability, but rather offer assistance where I think it might be needed.

I've included articles as well as a unique exercise below to help elaborate on showing vs. telling.

 
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Why showing is important in fiction
#1970226 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon

This is a great article written by a member of writing.com that I consider to be one of the best authors here.

"Show vs Tell Classroom" Open in new Window.
This is a terrific exercise that can help solidify your understanding of showing vs. telling.


I hope this review helps! Thank you for sharing it, and should you prefer a more in depth review than the one I gave here I can give you a private review, going line-by-line through the narrative. I wish well and again would like to welcome you to writing.com!


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Review of The Clockmaker  Open in new Window.
Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I found your writing under the 'Read a Newbie' section of the site, and I'd like to first welcome you to Writing.com and share with you my thoughts on your work.

*** Opening ***


The whole paragraph is enchanting. I love the imagery you've set in those first couple sentences. This reads like a village inside of a snow globe to me. This is quaint and charming. That said, the opening could use a thought or two. I like the perpetual twilight, and that was hooking enough for me, but the first line is a bit lackluster in comparison to the exposition that follows.

*** Style and Voice ***


There's a little bit of passive voicing in that pulls me away from the enchanting picture you've previously written, that said the sentences fall flat and read as telling instead of showing. Some examples of this:

*Right*The Sunstone Clock faltered, its crystal dimming.
This isn't incorrect in a sense, but the crystal was mentioned in the opening, marking it as something of a resplendent magnificence. That said, the way it was presented ought to suggest the crystal be in the forefront of this sentence.

The crystal of the Sunstone Clock dimmed...
To that extent, but I think you have an opportunity here to add some depth to the atmosphere. Rather than telling me the Sunstone Clock faltered, perhaps mention its rhythm or the ticking softened, there's a lot could be explored with "Faltered," all of it could add a richness to your setting.

*Right*The air grew frigid, the shadows clawing at her like grasping hands.
Again, your giving life to the shadows here, which suggest they should be in the forefront of the sentence which will impact the reader better.
The shadows clawed at her like grasping hands as the air grew frigid.
I underlined a particular clause in the sentence which tells rather than shows. There's another opportunity to explore some atmospheric depth beyond telling me the air is frigid. You gave the shadows a life, the same could be done to the cold. Or perhaps mention puffs of breath, goosebumps, the usual symptoms of coldness. I'd like to feel the cold through the eyes of your character.

*Right*...a wisp of darkness with eyes like burning coals
This is a terrific image.

*Right*...leaving only the faintest trace of darkness.
It's your story, but I want to say this could set up a very nice foreshadowing to continue this tale.

*** Typos ***


*Right*The townsfolk, usually lively despite the dimness, were now fearful whispers whisperers in the deepening gloom.
I think is what you meant to say, I do like this sentence a lot, it provokes a good amount of tension in the scene.

*** Closing ***


The narrative and conflict wrap up a little quicker than I would like. I'd have liked a bit more struggle between the protagonist and antagonist. But the ending was a well-crafted scene.

*** Summary ***


This is a remarkable tale. It accomplishes a lot in the little space it has. There's a little to be desired in the conflict, but the overall tale is enchanting.

There's a few instances that lack a bit of depth which I think diminished my view of the setting as a reader, but overall the voicing and style is for the most part consistent and worthy of some praise.

I mentioned above there is a good line that could foreshadow a lot more to this story if that is the writer's desire, and if not, the quick tale of triumph is quaint and charming. I'd however welcome a continuation should the author be inclined to write it.

I'm not sure I'd mark this under a thriller/suspense genre of writing as it is, this reads far more like a fantasy to me. That's really knit-picking however.

Thank you for sharing this writing it was a joy to read. I hope to see more of your work. Again, welcome to writing.com, and hope you make yourself a home here.

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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello there, I found your work while browsing newbie writers. I'd like to welcome you to writing.com and share my thoughts on your beginning chapter with you.

*** Opening ***


I will say it's a good opening, but it took a few lines for it to pick up enough for me to feel engaged in the writing. Your opening is to be quite honest, your one shot at hooking a reader to the story. If there's one line that ought be read, re-read, written, edited, and thought about over and over, it's the first line. In short, it could be stronger.

However, once the first couple lines kick in, it picks up suspense fairly well and at that point it does draw me in.

*** Style and Voicing ***


*Right*Terror seized every fibre of the fleeing Man. His whimpers and cries echo through...
Conflicting past and present tenses. Can be fixed by either using present tense of seize or past tense of echo

I'll start by saying this really picks up pace fast. Too fast to be frank, while I don't mind it hitting the ground running, you're missing a lot of opportunity to build some depth and richness to the narrative. This rushed style contributes to a lot of telling rather than showing. Let me experience this character's feelings through the eyes of the character rather than through the eyes of the narrator. I must say it feels too play-by-play like an announcer recapping instant replay at a sporting event. A couple examples of telling rather than showing:

*Right*A feeble light on a broken lamp pole creates obscure shadows which creep around him as he rapidly propels himself forward on foot.

There's a lot of areas in this sentence that could be further explored. A lot of information is condensed in here in such a way that you're telling me what's happening rather than providing a scene for my imagination to envision. Consider this character's perspective. I've gathered he's running in desperation that much you've executed well. However, a feeble light creating obscure shadows reads dull and unengaging. There's a lot of ways you might rectify this however.

Consider giving these shadows more emphasis than the feeble light. Shadows jittering and creeping at the limits of the feeble light's glow or something similar will give the scene more depth and give the shadows a more ominous feel. Things like that put me into the perspective of your character and provide atmospheric richness.

I will also mention in the line above: A lot of people will say 'all adverbs are bad.' I think it's a bit dogmatic and an imperfect understanding of certain instances of narrative or voicing, but I will say, some adverbs are useless. This one in particular which I highlighted in red, gives a hollow context to something I've already gathered from your story i.e. he's running. Running by its definition would suggest that this character is already rapidly propelling himself forward, meaning that bit of your statement is unnecessary and only adding hollow context to the scene.

*Right*His surroundings are consumed by heavy fog cloaking the world with an eerie shroud of opacity and there appears to be no way out.
This is an example of passive voice. This line shows fairly well, but the structuring of the sentence diminishes its potential impact on the reader. The fog should be in the forefront of this sentence rather than in a secondary position which will add more suspense and tension to the scene.
Heavy fog consumed his surroundings, cloaking the world in an eerie shroud of opacity...
This emphasizes the fog doing the dirty work in the scene making for a stronger sentence and a greater impact on the reader.

*Right*There's no more air left on the planet to satisfy his aching lungs.
While it might seem most of what I've said so far might appear to be negative, I'd like to say that this line is a well-crafted sentence to deliver desperation and exhaustion. It's simple, but it has a great effect.

The creeping figures presence comes closer to unveiling itself with every echoing stride it takes the deafening thud, thud, thud on the concrete ground a warning sign to it's prey.
Need a comma or period after "Itself." The second half of this sentence does not read correctly. It's lacking a 'to be' verb.
...the deafening thud, thud, thud, on the concrete ground is a warning sign to its prey.

*** Typos ***


*Right*Since way out of this gloomy nightmares is unperceived...
I'm not quite sure what is going on here, but I think it's a typo that you meant to write like:
Since the way out of this gloomy nightmare is unperceived...

*Right*...ground a warning sign to it's its prey.

*Right*he's walking out of time. did you mean running out of time?

*** Summary ***


While this drives and it drives fast, I think it ought be slowed down a hair, the whole narrative felt just a bit too rushed. While I think it does in some degree capture an air of fear and desperation, there's not enough space here to let it breathe to build some suspense.

There's a lot of telling rather than showing as I mentioned above, sadly while the overall direction and idea of the narrative has a sound foundation, this diminishes the scenery for the reader.

There's a mild overuse of adverbs. I don't mind one here and there, others are not as open-minded, but more often than not, adverbs do little to assist in the scene other than clutter the narrative with hollow or already established context. Again, when trying to achieve a certain voicing, I think a well-placed adverb can do the trick, when trying to build a scene, they are anemic and have limited if no use at all in vivid storytelling.

The writing has a fair number of stylistic, grammatical, and typographical errors which for a reader are a little distracting, but all of them are for the most part, easy fixes. I'm getting the feeling that this may have been translated to English? If that is the case, I can't quite fault the writer, as XXXX to English translators are hardly ever correct.

I think this has the right direction and the right idea behind it. Your ability to really hit the ground running in the narrative is solid but give the reader a second to catch their metaphorical breath. A bit of atmosphere and emotion can really do wonders for a scene. It might only be a sentence or two here and there so not to slow your pacing which is I think pretty firm and well established, but that little bit can really drive home the suspense and trepidation in the scene.

Here are some articles that may assist you in further understanding showing vs. telling, and active vs. passive voicing:

 
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Why showing is important in fiction
#1970226 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon

Very good information to assist in the writer's understanding of show vs. tell, written by an author that I consider to be one of the best on writing.com.


Excellent article and simplified enough to assist in understanding the differences of active and passive voicing and the effect it has on a story.

*** Closing ***


This may have seemed a bit on the negative side of the spectrum. I assure you that's not my intention. I only wish to give you genuine feedback from my experience as the reader. I think you've got the right idea with the story, the execution just needs a bit of refinement. If you spend some time polishing this narrative I'm confident that you'll have yourself the makings of a fast paced, and captivating opening scene.

Thank you for sharing it, and again, welcome to writing.com.


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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well... I came across this particularly odd yet fun writing in the list of newbie writers, and I'd like a moment to share my thoughts on this with you.

I'm not going to get too in to detail with the style and voice because, well, I really don't think I need to. What I will say however is this:

*** Opening ***


I think it's fair, based on the title that you're from the U.K. or somewhere else that's markedly metric and likes driving on the wrong side of the road. Just a bit of fun, but honestly the title really says it all. I like it, it's the only reason I'm here writing this review.

The opening line offers a compelling argument. It's not existential but I'm going to guess there's some fans out there of other flavors that are probably gearing up for battle thinking someone has the nerve to say salt and vinegar chips are better than cheddar and sour cream, or those folks without taste buds who think barbecue is a good flavor. It works. It's compelling and it drives a proper and solid foundation of the question, is salt and vinegar in fact the greatest and most superior flavor of potato chip? I'm just going to say, no it isn't. I'm vanilla, potato chip flavor is the best flavor.

*** Content of the Writing ***


This brought a smile the entire time I read it. Really, well done. It's so simple that it just reads well. It, to me, feels like the start of a stand-up bit.

*** What it's missing ***


There's one really important thing missing from this other than potato chip flavor being the best flavor. That peculiar and strangely satisfying burn at the corners of your lips when you've eaten enough salt and vinegar chips.

*** Summary ***


This is just all in good fun writing. There's nothing here to overanalyze or dissect the grammatical style of the writer. It quite honestly reads just like the writer is speaking it in front of me. While man toils to unlock the mysteries of the universe, it's a refreshing reminder to enjoy the simple things. Thanks for sharing this little bit of fun, I really enjoyed reading it. Welcome to writing.com. I hope you find the community as helpful and encouraging as I have over these many years.


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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I found your writing in the lists of newbie writers and would like to extend a welcome to you and share my thoughts on your work.

*** Opening ***


Your opening is compelling, setting up a good mystery.

*** Voicing and Style ***


...getting the attention of neighboring villages. The villagers whispered among themselves
There's some repetition early in your writing that gets to be a little distracting. I would suggest replacing "villagers" with "residents" or something similar.

There's some gerund phrases in the writing that leave the scenery and images a bit flat and uninteresting. You're giving emphasis to more secondary actions in the sentence that don't have as strong an impact on me, the reader. A few examples of this:

The village elders suggested holding a funeral, assuming the siblings were dead.
"The siblings were dead" carries a lot of weight in this sentence, and the impact it could have on the reader is diminished due to the structuring of the sentence and the gerund phrase, I would suggest restructuring it to give it more emotional impact like this:

The village elders assumed the siblings were dead and suggested to hold a funeral.
This structuring places the heavy hit of the possibility of the dead siblings in the forefront, allowing the scene to have a deeper impact. I'd also like to mention that you've previously established in the setting that this is taking place in a village, "Village Elders" would be a third instance of the word village, I'd recommend perhaps just referring to them as "The Elders."

There's a lot of telling more than showing in this writing. You're telling me, the reader the smells, sounds, and atmosphere of the setting. You could contribute a substantial amount of atmospheric richness by guiding my imagination through the senses of the narrative. An example of this:

The aroma of wild mushrooms and roasted rabbit filled the air.
Consider exploring the effect that these smells would have on the senses, the sweet, subtle, creaminess of the mushrooms and the succulent, rich smell of the rabbit (These by the way are a particular favorite of mine). Consider suggesting what these experiences i.e. sight, smell, touch, sounds, and tastes would entice in your characters. This particular example at least for me, makes me hungry just thinking about it. (really I love wild mushrooms, and I love eating rabbit.)

Try placing yourself in the narrative. What would you be feeling?

All of this will show the reader the scene and stimulate the imagination to envision what your narrative is trying to accomplish.

*** Pacing ***


There's a lot to unpack here in few words, but the pacing is consistent, it doesn't drag nor does it dull, I think you accomplished a very good turning of events and the tempo in which you do it is well done.

*** Ending ***


I like the cliffhanger. I'd suggest italicizing "To be continued" Just to separate it from the narrative. Aside from that, the ending establishes a good direction for the narrative to go and captures the desire to want to see where the story goes.

*** Summary ***


It's a good narrative but it's written in a style that diminishes the imagination's ability to perceive the scene through a lot of telling rather than showing, as I mentioned above. This contributes to a dull imagery that simply pulls the reader out of the story.

A favorite author of mine on this site, and one whose comments have been a tremendous help to my development as an aspiring writer has an article on this subject. There's a lot of good information here to help understand the importance of showing over telling.

 
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Why showing is important in fiction
#1970226 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon


With some changes to the atmospheric richness of the scene this has the makings of being a very strong start to a story.

Thank you for sharing it and again, welcome to writing.com.


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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello I found your writing while browsing newbie writers and would like to offer you my welcome and my thoughts on your narrative

*** Opening ***


I like the opening line, it's simple and accomplished plenty in the few words that are there, it leaves a little to be desired as far as the hook, but it establishes a good direction.

That said, there's a lot of simple sentences utilizing the indefinite pronoun "it"

It came from a branch of magic that dealt with using the mind. It was a telekinesis spell. It would allow him to move living and non-living matter. However, it took focus, concentration, and mana. It was more challenging than fire magic.
This tends to give it a monotonous and drumming tempo like I'm required to read it with a sort of rhythm. I'd suggest restructuring these sentences to remove the indefinite pronouns and make it a bit less wordy.
It came from a branch of magic that dealt with using the mind, telekinesis, allowing him to move living and non-living matter. However, this took focus, concentration, and mana and far more challenging than fire magic.
A restructuring like this removes the droning of the sentences, takes away all of the It had, it was, it could and also makes it less wordy. This in turn gives your opening a more lively pace, setting up the mood for what is coming.

*** Voicing ***


Most of the writing is sound and lively, richly enthusiastic in the manner in which it's told but I found a few lines that I think could use some attention.

Mana welled up within his body. It was warm and invigorating.
This is a good opportunity to utilize your character's senses. Rather than telling me, the reader, that it was warm and invigorating, this should be experienced through your character. Explain the sensation he feels but don't settle on the simple "he felt xxxx"

The orc mage stood to the right of the book stack. She had held her staff in one hand. The other hand rested on her right hip.
There's a misused past perfect tense here suggesting that she once held her staff in one hand but doesn't anymore this can be rectified by removing "had."

He inhaled a deep breath before he exhaled.
This is kind of an odd sentence, I understand what image you're trying to paint, but it's of tripping me up in the reading, I can already assume that he would inhale before he exhaled, that's kind of the concept of breathing after all. I think maybe you'd like him to slowly exhale? A bit of simple action through atmospheric richness would help this image.

Discomfort began in his arms. It was dull.
This is a very flat sentence which I think could better be restructured with some more vivid imagery.
A dull discomfort wormed through his arms.
Something like this gives his sensation more life, and in turn contributes to a better depiction of the scene.

Edana leaped backward and nearly fell back as the books passed her.
There's some repetition here - backward and back. I'd consider rewording:
Edana leaped backward and nearly fell to the floor as the books passed her.

There's some adverb usage in the narrative that gets to be a bit overbearing. Some adverbs are excusable in my opinion, others will not be so open-minded. I will say that a few aren't bad, an overuse can contribute a lot of hollow context to verbs which could be better replaced with more vivid, active words.

*** Dialogue ***


I really enjoy the dialogue of your story, it's well-crafted and drives the narrative with good pacing and lively verbiage.

I can do this, Urzo told himself mentally.
This time I know I can do, he thought.
Urzo breathed in and out. I can do this, he told himself mentally.

This is a stylistic suggestion, but I'd consider his inner dialogue to be Italicized while removing the he told himself mentally. I'd also mentioned this line is repeated in the narrative, utilizing italicized inner dialogue would mark determination in the character and would remove the feeling of repetition in the reader.

*** Typos ***


This time I know I can do it, he thought.

Urzo watched the stack and continued to raise him his arms.

*** Summary ***


Overall, I enjoy the opening of this story. I'm not super keen on high fantasy but I do enjoy a good fantasy novel. This has all the makings of an enjoyable, lively story, and look forward to seeing how it develops. With some refinement this could be a very well-crafted tale.

Thank you for sharing your writing, and again, welcome to writing.com


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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I'd like to first thank you for your review of my work, and make good on my promise to return the favor.

I spent some time looking at your portfolio to find a story that caught my eye, and this one did the job. I'd like to remark that the title is compelling to my tastes as a reader.

The opening paragraph isn't remarkably hooking as I'd like but the exposition is sound. It sets a firm footing into the goings on of the turn of the 20th century.

The following few paragraphs paint a good picture of your mysterious 'stranger.' I appreciate that you do this without unnecessary fluff or overly embellished sentences. Thus far, he is my particular taste of character.

Your protagonist fits the locale well and is easily relatable, but I'm not sure I can follow along with a few certain points in the story. You mention he has a Christian Upbringing, so it's a bit difficult for me to believe he'd so quickly resolve to killing the stranger. It's not the 1st commandment, but I reckon the 5th commandment is still pretty darn important if you're a Christian.

This, however, could simply be the conflict your character faces, more subtly crafted in earlier mentions of him planning against that upbringing.

Another point of contention for me, and this is simply the voice in which I read your dialogue: Your stranger read to me in a markedly scotch-irish accent. This could just be that 'Ye' you placed in his shouts but the whole exclamation separated me a bit because the following shout read in a different accent.

“I caught ye, you little thief!” the stranger yelled. “Did you think I would let you steal my treasure? What a foolish young man.”


To my own internal voicing of this dialogue, 'Ye' clashes with the more eloquent sentences that follow. I also think it would read better if "What a foolish young man." were exclamatory since he's yelling.



Aside from those few things, I found no other faults in the writing. It was an enjoyable read that hits the locale you're describing well. The urban legend like mythos paces well and almost feels like it would go well in a song. This was, in closing, a well-crafted, yet quaint and touching tale reminiscent of everyone's local legends that were told around the campfires and in late night slumber parties, making it all the more capable of hitting home with the reader.
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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Vera, Chuck and Dave Author IconMail Icon and welcome to writing.com! I’m happy you found this great community, and I hope you enjoy many years amongst these wonderful folk. I found your item whilst searching our newest members, and I thought to myself, what better way to say hello than to RAID YOU! Yes indeed, this is a

** Image ID #2077401 Unavailable **

That might sound a little scary, but in this case, I assure you it’s not! I’d like only a few moments to share my thoughts with you regarding this particular writing. As always, I review not only to help better improve my own skills as a writer, but to assist others with developing theirs. Keep in mind these are just my personal opinions and can vary greatly in comparison to other reviews you may receive. That being said, let’s get this review started.



Title: "A Fraught Relationship with Writing" Open in new Window.

Chapter: N/A

Author: Vera, Chuck and Dave Author IconMail Icon

Plot:
We are taken on a journey through the reflections of a writer whose in a slump, now questioning and doubting their abilities.
Overall the message is strong, and I think every writer can likely relate to this piece in their own way.

Style and Voice:
The stylistic choices of the piece are lovely. Your word choices as well as your sentence structuring make for a very powerful read. I particularly like your super-comma preceding your simile. It added a lot of drama to this monologue, and really showed off a bit of stylistic flare.

The voicing fits the piece well. It’s a gloomy little tale; quite tragic and emotional in its own right, and correlates well to the inner reflections of one going through such a struggle.

Grammar:
Your grammar seemed to me, spot on. I found no errors. I do want to say, your sentence beginning with “and” is such a nice slap in the face to the unweighted claim that “and” has no place at the beginning of a sentence! This according to many is a grammatical and stylistic error, but that particular claim is in fact its own error. Condemning that sort of thing out of hand is to set a fetish to English idiom, therefore I can only sit back and applaud.

Just my personal opinion:
I have to say that you have a strong command of the language you write. Your words are rich with the felicity of expression, and flow quite well from one sentence to the next. Your use of metaphors and similes is quite vivid and well accepted by me as a reader. Well done!

Examples of possible corrections:

None. Truly, I found nothing to fuss over, and I tend to be quite picky.

Summary:

Overall, this message speaks volumes! As a writer, I can only feel for you because I’ve been there too. I know all too well how it feels to make writing a chore rather than an art. I hope this struggle of yours goes away, and you find yourself fulfilling those childhood dreams of yours.

This was a writing of singular talent and craftsmanship. I applaud your style and handle on the English language, and I thank you wholeheartedly for sharing it with us. Again, welcome to writing.com! I hope to see you around the community! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review this work!

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Exactly what the title says


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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Mr.Sideburns Author IconMail Icon! As I always promise, a review for a review! Thank you for taking the time to look at my work! I'm now returning the favor and before I get too far into this I'd like to welcome you to WDC! I see you've been a member for a little over a month and I'd like to thank you for sharing your work with us! Without any further rambling, onto the review!

Title: "What Was Watching Me" Open in new Window.

Author: Mr.Sideburns Author IconMail Icon

Plot: We are introduced to an anonymous woman, skeptical of the paranormal, who recollects a particular three nights of hauntings in her new home. I've seen "Amityville Horror" (DONT CALL THE COPS CALL THE LOCAL PRIEST!) *Smile*

Style and Voice:There's some issues here regarding the voicing. There is a lot of passive and telling sentences. This is a common issue among writers, myself included. Show us the story, don't tell us. Remark on the fear but go in depth with it. We as readers need to feel the fear of this woman. A bit of depth on the setting may help here. Remark on the dreariness, or the oppressive atmosphere of the bedroom, put some depth and body to it, this does a lot for a scene. Also, take a look here: "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. This is a great resource regarding this point.

Grammar:I saw nothing worth fussing over. Nice job here!

Just my personal opinion:

I'd like to first point out that I love the title of this piece! It's a good eye-catcher.

I think you have the makings of a very ominous and very dark story! The only thing that holds it back on this regard is the telling rather than showing. I think it would also help to establish the setting with a bit more detail. Give us some images of this house. Is it old in a way that the floorboards creak? Is it drafty? Does it have that distinct, old house smell? This would also help better paint the picture.

Examples of possible corrections:

I did find a spelling flaw in the item introduction. You wrote:

*Cross3*Ever feel like your being watched?

It should read:

Ever feel like you're being watched?

*Cross3*Until the night I saw this thing that watched me at night.

There's some repetition here, consider replacing one of the "nights," perhaps the first one could be replaced as follows:

Until the evening I saw this thing that watched me at night.

*Cross3*...when our first child would be born.

This reads a bit strange to me I'd consider revising to:

...when our first child was born.

*Cross3*I’m sure our friends would love...

This is a change of tenses. The story thus far has been narrated in first person - past tense, the use of I'm (I am) signifies a present tense form of "to be." It would be better if it read:

I was sure our friends would love...

*Cross3*We had seen a group of deer on our way to the house that had jumped...

This is an instance where the sentence is padded with "had." In effort to show rather than tell the story, it's suggested to minimize the usage of this word as often as possible. In this case, both of these can be eliminated without affecting the sentence:

We saw a group of deer on our way to the house that jumped...

*Cross3*Those eyes scared the hell out of me.

Why did they scare the hell out of you? If you spent a couple sentences or even one sentence discussing the reason they frightened you (considering that you established that you're hard to frighten) It would add a good mood to this story! (good as in scarier)

*Cross3*What I saw filled me with dread.

This is a bit telling rather than showing. Describe the feeling with more depth, fear is the premise of your story so it is imperative that you show your mastery of describing the emotion. Talk about that strange tingle in your nose when you're frightened, or the pin pricks on your skin, or the light ringing in your ears. Things like that will add a lot of depth to this emotion more than what a single word can do. I've yet to see a single word that can describe a scene with such detail that nothing else needs to be said. (besides bamboozled *Smile* And I only say that because I like that word.)

*Cross3*...and I once again seen the hand.

This is a case which you can confuse a reader by mistaking the tense of "see" To write in a perfect tense e.g. "Seen" It also should be accompanied with "had" e.g. "had seen" To avoid wordiness I'd simply change it to "saw."

Summary:

I like the ending, it has its own little bit of absolution regarding the skeptical boyfriend. Overall its not at all a bad story, but it could use some polishing as I mentioned above. If you should revise this and like a follow up review, I would be very happy to do so! Also, if you would prefer a more in depth, line-by-line review, you have but to ask and I will do one in Private.

I thank you for sharing this, and I like the story, good job!

Exactly what the title says
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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello QPdoll Author IconMail Icon Guess what, you're being raided! Yes, This is an "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.Dare to Review Raid Review!

As such, I received an e-mail today that led me here. I offered my own character and now if you would permit me, I'd like to share my thoughts on your activity.

*Cross3*I must say this is a good little in & out! It not only challenges a writer to describe a character in 250 characters, but also allows them to interact, though indirectly, through displaying some of their creations. Good thinking!

*Cross3*The prompt is easy to understand and pretty fun to try! I hope you get some more responses soon, until then, thanks for this!

Exactly what the title says
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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Arakun the twisted raccoon Author IconMail Icon! Guess what, you're being raided! Yes, This is an "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.Dare to Review Raid Review!

As such, I happened across this great little contest, and of course I made an entry before this review. I'd like to take a moment to share my thoughts with you regarding this page.

*Cross3* First I have to say, this contest is a lot more challenging than it seems. To develop a start and end with a plot, characters and setting in 300 words is no easy task. This in itself is an awesome exercise for writer's to tap their muse! I love it!

*Cross3*The guidelines for this challenge are clearly laid out for contestants and are plenty easy to read. Your font size and style is clean and an excellent choice for those with not so great vision e.g. me. Thanks!!!

*Cross3*The prizes are quite generous for a modest size entry!

*Cross3*Overall, you have a great activity here, and I'll make it a point to return daily for the prompts! Thank you very much for building this page and for your efforts in judging!

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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Tileira Author IconMail Icon! Guess what, you're being raided! Yes, This is an "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.Dare to Review Raid Review!

As it so happens, the NaNovember event has led me here and I'd like to take some time to share with you my thoughts regarding your contest.

*Globe*First I'd like to mention that the title is superb. It is definitely an eye catcher, and I must say you've got my attention!

*Globe*I'd also like to mention that the appeal of your page is stunning! That banner really sets it off with the theme you're going for, and I have to say the theme is brilliant!

*Globe*This is well beyond your simple contest as it is as much a championship as it is a great writing exercise!

*Globe*Your rules are clear and concise and leaving no guessing for a potential entrant, well done!

*Globe*The prizes seem fitting to the amount of work involved, they aren't over the top and they aren't lacking so I'd say you've done splendid in that department.

*Globe*Overall this seems like a competition that anyone would enjoy. It spans any genre, and offers a good deal of exercises to help establish a writer's story. Superb creation! I truly commend you for creating this page, and I look forward to its next startup in 2016!

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Review by J. M. Kraynak Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author IconMail Icon Guess what, you're being raided! Yes, This is an "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.Dare to Review Raid Review!

How could I celebrate this NaNovember raid without reviewing one of your great pages? I couldn't that's how!

*Dragon2*First I have to say the banner that graces this group's page is phenomenal! I tip my hat to the designer! It's very appealing and very fantastical!

*Dragon2*The quotes you utilize between the sections are brilliant, and bring to life this little niche genre we both share in common.

*Dragon2*The video is a great introduction to this great group, and is very inviting to those looking to join!

*Dragon2*The plethora of activities and forums within the group are rich and educational alike. There's some great resources here for those following the Fantasy/Sci-Fi craft and they would be hard-pressed to find information much better than this!

*Dragon2*The membership goes to show just how popular this group is! With 132 Members, there's a myriad of great stories and great writers within the walls of the Fantasy and Science Fiction Society.

*Dragon2*Overall, the page is clean, easy to read, and easy to navigate. The graphics between sections are gorgeous, like something you'd see on the cover of an epic saga. I've been here too short a time than I would like, but I recall a certain coffee shop of similar magnificence, and this group has only improved the excellence that began there in 2010!

Well done, my friend! Keep up the great work, and thanks for this wonderful group!

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