Hello, I found this while browsing the read and review section of writing.com and would like to take a moment to offer you my thoughts on the writing. Before I get into the review however, I'd like to simply mention that the bold face of the font makes this a bit difficult to read. It's just a lot of black on the screen. Just something to keep in mind. Also there's no spaces between your punctuation. This doesn't help with the flow of the writing when combined with the bold letters. All of it makes it a bit uncomfortable on the eyes. While this may seem kind of trivial, remember that some of your readers don't have the eagle eyes they once had. Reader comfort is just a nice courtesy.
I'd also like to suggest separating Frederick's internal dialogue as their own paragraphs.
I'd like to mention that in some of my reviews you may see a word with a dotted underline like this. This is a spot in a sentence that I've marked for your attention. I've packed a comment within the notes that you can read simply by mousing over the word or phrase with this dotted underline.
*** Opening ***
I like this hook. It's simple and strikes the emotions well.
*** Style and Voice ***
I need to bring this up before I get way into the review, that some of your sentences are enormous. Granted, anyone whose read some of my more Victorian style writings would probably say you're one to talk, J.M. and they'd be right. I write some whopper sentences, which is why I can spot them. I get hounded about it all the time. The problem with your second sentence isn't so much the length as it is the repetition and the telling nature of point its trying to convey.
 Frederick leaned against the door , hoping against hope that somehow his weight could keep the robbers from coming in, hoping that for some reason they wouldn’t appear,
| in a puff of smoke? this isn't quite right, and really only repeats the previous statement, just with slightly different phrasing. |
This is just too much infodump right at the start. This is a big bite to swallow for a reader, and would be better delivered into smaller chunks for a smooth-brained reader such as myself. Also, I think the leaning against the door is just a bit weak. It's only mildly telling, but a bit more action could be had out of this. Something like:
 Frederick planted his feet and braced his legs as he pressed his back against the door. He hoped against hope that somehow, his weight could bar the robbers' entry. He desperately wished for someone to help—but he knew that wouldn't happen.
This isn't much of change, but everything is smaller and easier to process. It removes the wordy repetitiveness, and give a bit more substance to his leaning against the door. You could further explore this by digging into his body's feelings, perhaps his muscles ache or burn, he's trembling from fear, etc. This will give the opening scene a bit more life and bring a good bit of tension as well.
He could hear
| Weak verb "hear" creates a telling rather than showing message |
There's no way Frederick could know what they know, he can only assume, otherwise this removes the reader from Frederick's PoV. there was nowhere he could go. ▼This is a bit wordy
As Max Griffin 🏳️🌈   says: think of a story as a guided dream. In order for a reader to dig into the story with their imagination, you should take care to avoid weak verbs such as seemed, hear, heard, etc. and instead, offer vivid imagery with more distinct verbiage using the five senses sight, sound, taste, touch, smell.
A crash erupted through the house as wood splintered and cracked, and Frederick's heart sank as he realized they'd breached the door.
Something like this offers the sound of the break-in, with more vivid description, while at the same time avoiding a weak phrasing of could hear.
I also mentioned in the dropnote above, that Frederick can only assume what the robber's know or don't know. I get the tension you're trying to establish here with that phrasing, but sadly this removes me from the PoV which only distracts me rather than pulls me in. Perhaps consider:
He rattled around his dwindling options of escape, but deep down, he knew there was no way out. They must have known it too, because they hadn't even bothered with stealth.
This gives the same point, but it keeps the PoV rooted with Frederick.
The gang that he was supposed to have gotten rid of.
Try:
The gang he was supposed to exterminate.
He jumped off of it,
| Not quite right, unless he was standing on the door, which I doubt he was doing. |
He peeled away, preferring a quick death to roasting alive.
Frantically he searched through his drawers , looking for anything that could possibly fend off even one of them - but of course all he found was his metal water bottle and a flashlight which he quickly stuffed in his pocket.
| why? he thinks he's going to die. there's no reason to do this |
The whole sentence tells more than shows, but the real problem I have with this, is if the guy is facing imminent death, what reason would there be to stuff a water bottle and flashlight in his pocket? You need a bit more context for this statement to not seem unrealistic, which I would leave to your own devices. Your tension building is pretty good, so the correction I suggest is only on the telling side of things:
He darted to his dresser and ripped open drawer after drawer. He raked through the contents, shoving aside everything in hope to find something he could use to defend himself.
It's not much, but when trying to keep action and tension moving, as StephBee  points out in Action/Adventure Newsletter Feb. 12th, 2025  Keep your action short, and exciting. Don't dig into the mega specifics of the scene, but give just enough for the reader to use their own imagination. You've already done well with establishing tension, so adding a bit of action in short bursts like this, will help keep the reader in the edge of their seat.
As he yanked drawer after drawer open,
| Well, the suggestion above kind of covered this, but I'm happy to see it here. |
THERE YOU GO! This is all a great image! This is showing rather than telling. Descript, short and sweet verbiage that offers the reader a clear and tense picture. The only thing I might say about this is the sentence is pretty long, and I'd suggest ending it with Frederick behind the bed, as the next bit is really a good sentence on its own. That, and I'd consider switching the words around a bit to remove the gerund phrases, which have a tendency to diminish action. Perhaps:
...pile of burnt wood and sparks, and Frederick scurried behind the bed for cover...
Assessing the situation, Frederick counted six of them.
This is a good example of passive voice in an otherwise predominantly action-packed sequence that sadly stands out like a dandelion on a golf course. Tn this case, and it is generally the most common form of passive voice, the action is acting on the subject. In active voice the subject is performing the action. It is widely thought (perhaps a bit narrow-minded and dogmatic in my opinion) that all passive voice is bad. I disagree, and would counter that that is an imperfect understanding of literary mechanics. HOWEVER, too much is not good, generally. In this case, it's not that there's too much, but rather, it's been active up to this point, and when it comes to the white-knuckle action, a passive sentence is kind of like hitting a metaphorical brick wall.
I'd simply drop the assessment part, as Frederick counting six is by somewhat no small degree, already an assessment of the situation. You could however, add a small bit of repetition through some internal dialogue to add a bit of tension, but that is up to you. Something like:
Frederick counted six. Six ways to die.
But, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a small but slowly growing wisp of flame creeping along the doorway, left over from the now-smoldering door.
You were doing so good too! Sadly, this is both passive and telling. Using all the points I've mentioned above, I will simply reiterate that it is good practice in action narratives to avoid weak verbs. In this case, he noticed. That is the telling part of it. The passive part of it is the very beginning, as well as the gerund phrases that I've marked in the popnotes. To write this in a more active voice, try:
A wisp of flame slowly grew in the corner of his eye. It crept along the remnants of charred doorway that popped and crackled as it smoldered on the floor.
Frederick tried pointlessly
| You used the word pointless in the previous sentence, this is repetitive |
This is all pretty passive and telling, as I've stated through the points above.
Frederick fought against his involuntary gulps of air. Calm down, he scolded to himself, but the need for silence and self-preservation only exacerbated the overwhelming waves of panic.
As he pondered that, he felt the barrel of the flamethrower poke into his back.
This is passive and telling, but more importantly, it's unrealistic. A flamethrower barrel is only the exhaust port of fuel and oxygen. There's a flame burning in the front of that barrel, either in the barrel itself, or in a smaller pilot line. Either way, he'd feel the burn of that flame, or if someone pressed the barrel into his back, it would snuff the flame out, making the flamethrower useless. It's important to keep these points in mind when trying to maintain realism in the scene such as it is discussed to an extent in the most recent action/adventure newsletter written by Legerdemain  : Action/Adventure Newsletter Mar. 12th, 2025
He knew who it was without turning around - Brady, the silent one of the group, who turned and grinned
| He's at Frederick's back, so Frederick would not see him turning and grinning. |
| This now puts us into Johnson's PoV instead of Frederick's |
This sentence shifts from Frederick's PoV, to an outside, omniscient view, an into Johnson's. PoV shifts can be overly distracting, especially when the story has been firmly planted in Frederick's PoV the entire time. While some authors such as Clive Barker do utilize head hopping in their stories without any breaks or signals, this is still somewhat of a distraction, at least for me. You've been in a third person limited PoV this whole time, and this only takes away from the tension that was so well established through the eyes of Frederick.
Johnson whacked Frederick in the head with the barrel of his pistol.
This seems like a weird thing to just do off-the-cuff. Let alone, I'm a gun owner. Gun barrels are unbelievably stiff. This would hurt beyond any normal pain, and would either draw blood, or at the very least evoke a pretty sharp wave of pain that should have been explored through this action. I still think it seems out of character. Despite how little I know of this person, it doesn't seem a normal action. I think it would be better saved for after his question. Frederick offers an unsatisfactory response, then, whack. That would flow much better, and be a lot more believable.
...even though while it was asked the cover finally came off of the flashlight, revealing the batteries inside.
The flashlight is still in his pocket, so revealing isn't quite right. That would suggest that he could see them. Consider the feel of them in his hand instead. Batteries in a flashlight are usually sitting on a spring conductor. They would just so slightly pop out a bit, bumping his hand. I'd work with that image.
Johnson noted the pause
| This puts me back into Johnson's PoV. |
Johnson should be seen through Frederick's eyes, so his annoyance should be displayed on his face and body language, this will keep me in Frederick's PoV. The audible snap is a bit of a missed opportunity here, as by now after being bludgeoned by a gun barrel numerous times, you'd be in a pretty significant amount of pain, and likely on the verge of collapse. Instead of the audible snap, consider the crack ringing in his ears, and blurring his vision, something like that, in combination with the by all rights, sharp pains that would come from this kind of punishment.
He hurled the batteries at the now-crackling flame, his youth as a baseball player coming in handy as all three of them landed right in their midsts.
| This kind of says that they landed in the midst of one another. |
Try:
...all three of them landed on target.
Johnson turned to follow the projectiles and, for the first time, noticed the fire along the wall.
| This is Johnson's PoV again. |
Like I said, this should be seen through Frederick's eyes. Think of Johnson's look of surprise.
Frederick noted fear in his eyes for the first time as the batteries exploded, causing the flames to envelop the room.
Flashlights run on alkaline batteries (dry cell). Now when exposed to heat, they can explode. HOWEVER, unless that fire is about 3000 degrees, they wouldn't explode instantly, it would take at the very least, a few minutes and I don't think it would be a tremendous explosion, as the chemicals inside are not overly reactive. I'd really consider dropping the whole flashlight thing for something a bit more plausible that is quite volatile, but also readily available in the household. Lots of household chemicals are extremely flammable, but something far more believable and plausible; high proof spirits. Alcohol. All alcohol above 80 proof is quite flammable, and when it is thrown on a fire, it is violent. This is coming from someone who distills spirits as a hobby, everclear, vodka, absinthe, 151 rum, low wines, high shots, heads, foreshots (acetone)... any of this is wicked flammable, and a molotov cocktail would do precisely the job I think you want it to do, and it would do it quick! Granted, it's not explosive, but if you've ever seen an alcohol fire, its about a quick and booming of a fire as you'll get before you could call it an explosion.
*** Grammar ***
But even as he thought that he heard the flamethrower fire up and the crackling of the flames upon the wooden door ▼Since you've established through dialogue that there's a flamethrower, it isn't really necessary to say he thought he heard it fire up, and would be better to go straight to its sounds, this will keep the action moving .
This isn't grammatically quite right, as there's nothing here to finish the sentence. but even as he thought requires a resolution, but there is none. I'd simply say, He thought he heard...
*** Ending ***
Well, if you're gonna die, might as well make it cool I guess, if 6 dudes wanted to take me down, I'd probably want to go like Sampson did (biblical reference). I'm not real keen on the stern specificity of the three-stories, simply because Frederick would have no idea how high the flames went in the end. He'd only know how quickly they spread where he was standing. I do think a bit more attention ought to be paid to the heat and roar of the fire, as well as the cries of the six men that attacked him. This would add a lot of atmospheric richness to an ending that I think ended far too abruptly. Add a bit of action to this; scrambling, clawing at their flaming skin, screaming, and of course don't forget the sounds and smells!
*** Summary ***
It's got all the makings of an action packed story. The start and end could use some attention, but as it gets going, you get a lot more involved in the scene building with solid and descriptive verbs. The middle of your story is really well written! I mean that. I felt the images as I read them, which means you've got it in there to bring this story to life, and it so desperately wants you to. There's some real substance here. The telling tone of your writing kind of fades away, and you start into a real solid foray into the meat of the action, but sadly it dwindles away again, right when you need the descript and decisive words the most, the climax. Really, there's a few spots that are quite frankly, magnificent images, that are sadly placed in the weaker imagery at the beginning and end. Granted, it could be an attempt at ramping up the action, which is a good idea, but it still should be done through more showing than telling.
I really need to reiterate that the bold letters and lack of spacing between punctuation, paragraphs, and dialogue (internal and external), make this a pretty meaty block of BIG BLACK LETTERS. I'd really stress to you that you should consider changing this aspect of it. I'm not going to fault you for something like this, but I'm ALMOST at the age where this is going to be hard for me to read. Seriously, I squint when trying to read something 2 feet away, and this will be a nightmare for me in a couple of years. (Always think a little bit about your audience, we appreciate it.)
There's some head hopping between PoVs in the writing, that really pull me out of the tense atmosphere. I've marked them already, but I would like to stress that head hopping is a distraction for the most part. Especially in a writing of this size. I'd strongly suggest keeping the PoV in Frederick's perspective.
I want to mention that you've gone pretty specific with naming some of these characters that really didn't require names. You've also elaborated on this lore with a bit of backstory (just a bit). Your main character has a base in San Francisco, and he was supposed to wipe these guys out. This leads me to ask you a burning question I have: Where's the prequel? This had all the right tone, words, and setting for a more elaborate story, and to really bring this to fruition, I implore you to explore this if you haven't already. I think with some polish, it deserves it. I can clearly tell you've thought about these guys. They have a history, and I would love to read some of it. I'm wondering if this main character is some sort of operative, spy, rival gang member, etc. There's a lot of possibilities here, that I think you ought to spend a bit of time with and see if you can't further deepen this story.
At any rate, I know it might seem like I really beat this writing into the ground. Please understand, this wasn't done with any ill intent. I'm only marking areas in your writing that I think you might want to look at, based solely off the perspective of a reader in real-time. If it seems like it was mean-spirited, know that I didn't mean it that way.
You've got something here. With some work, it could be excellent. I've included a few articles to help you better understand Showing vs. Telling, PoV, and Passive Voice. All of them are written by writers on this site whom I have a tremendous amount of respect for.
I hope you find them helpful as well as this review. Even if you don't, and that is entirely your prerogative, I wish you the best of luck in your future writing, and I thank you for sharing this story.
|
| (3.5)
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