Wow, what an interesting piece of work. I've sat here for a few minutes now, wondering how I might phrase my review. I guess it's because I'm in two minds about some of the aspects of your story.
Initially, I found myself getting caught up on a lot of the analogies you were using. It's not that I disliked them, just that some of them were quite unusual, to the point that I became a little distracted. I guess some readers wouldn't find this impacts on the flow, but sometimes it leaves me with questions as to why a writer would want to impose that kind of imagery. For example, "crushed in nature's unforgiving embrace." On one hand, tangled in a crushed car would seem very unnatural, but then in terms of describing our fragility, it means something to me. But it's just an example that hopefully explains my pause and subsequent dilemma. By making something so terrible seem almost like an artistic event, I started to question the intent of the story. However, my point of view here is very distorted due to my own personal experience at a crash site. I guess I felt there were elements that were almost romantisized, but that's my own trauma distracting me and not your story telling.
The formality of the story was interesting and it seemed to suit Norton Grey's character very well. In some ways I thought that tended to minimise the emotional content, but obviously that presented itself in the different ways the characters interract with each other. They were certainly personalities that you don't often come across and it made the story compelling reading.
I think you handled the time shifts really well, considering you are working in a short story format. Jumping from the accident, through the recovery, to the separation, could have been quite disjointed. But you pulled it off beautifully!
Anway, I'd better wind this up. Your piece was obviously thought provoking based on my rambling, but if you take nothing else away from my review, it's that I enjoyed your story and it kept me glued to the final word.
This piece really resonated with me. It's interesting the impact a young child can have on those that are close and how our knowledge of the world requires us to provide the protection that such innocence needs.
It's a simple message, but one full of meaning. Our only wish is that these words can remain true for the course of their lives. But then, how much control do we really have over the paths that children ultimately choose? It's scary, which ever way you look at it!
I hope you don't mind me going through your portfolio, but your last piece intrigued me to see what else you were producing!
I really loved this poem. It was honest, conveying a deeper message, but still keeping the light hearted flow the way you used the rhyme. I'm probably being too shallow here by seeing the humour in it, but I seemed to have glossed over the heavy component and it actually made me smile.
That's a really interesting and unusual exercise that you have gone through. As a writer, I would hate to reveal myself in that way, although I guess anything can be fabricated.
I felt that in the second last paragraph, S turned into more of an antagonist in the aggressive way they defended the writer, although I guess there is enough freedom in the definition to allow for some passion.
You've picked a topic that I'm sure a lot of readers out there will find interesting. I'm sorry that I have to take a negative tone, in what you obviously intend to be a postive piece, but I noticed some areas that "could" be misconstrued and felt that I should comment. Since I have never been much of a sportsman, the basketball analogy didn't really help me so much. I often used to play football in my youth and found that practising without goals was actually more fun than the competition! But as you imply, setting goals is not necessarily about having fun.
Something I would like to see you address in this piece, is what constitutes an acceptable goal or achievement and why? Is it climbing Mt. Everest, addressing world poverty, or simply feeding and clothing your own family? To take it further, what are acceptable sacrafices in attaining these goals?
But I was mainly inspired to write this review after reading the WWII reference, because I feel we need to be careful when commenting on those that have served our countries and lost their lives. Having some connection to the Returned and Services League in the past, the impression I received from people that were held in prison camps like Changi, was that the soldiers that died were anything but void of goals and in some ways, it could be considered an insult to their families and comrades to suggest otherwise. Granted, there were those that lost hope, but there were also those that were simply victims of hatred, horrific treatment, starvation, or simply were too old or genetically predisposed to being exposed to failure in such harsh conditions. I think we can safely say that there were a lot of soldiers who had a primary goal of not getting shot by the enemy! But was it their lack of conviction or planning that let them down?
Yes, we can say those that are successful have goals, but we cannot dismiss those that have failed, who also may have had just as much conviction in achieving their own goals. I think if you can achieve this balance in your article, you can reach a far greater audience.
On a side note, you are my 100th review!!! To celebrate, I'm giving you 1000 points! Keep writing, your work is thought provoking and worth reading.
I'm definitely not your target audience here, so please keep that in mind as I bumble my way through this review.
In the opening paragraph, some voice in the back of my mind was asking for more about the location. Not necessarily a name or a heap of detail, just something, a couple of words, to help me visualise something about the airport lounge.
Now I'm going to be brutal here (tongue in cheek). An attractive, gym junkee, rich business professional in a suit with pale blue eyes? OUCH! As a male reader, I've got to say I'm struggling here. I'm thinking... are you sure he doesn't have a tatt on his arm... maybe a duty free bottle of scotch at his foot, a criminal record for fraud? I don't mind going for perfection, so long as the Russian mafia bad guy is going to stab him before he gets to hand in his boarding pass. But that's okay, it's your choice!
Then the saving paragraph, your character decides to overlook the perfect Ken doll and chooses another man! I was suddenly relieved. The average guy to the rescue? Well, it's too early to say, but I like where you're going.
But let me get serious for a second. Your writing flows beautifully. The inner voice of your character is clear and her personality develops seemlessly. I was quickly drawn into the story and more than willing to keep reading. Okay, there were parts that didn't appeal to me, but hey, I'm not your audience and the quality of your writing is clear.
As always, I find poems incredibly difficult to review. Often, they are very personal and subjective pieces that are really more about expression. But when I read "cricket magazine" I started to wonder if you might be writing a poem about sport. I hate cricket! But I digress.
Everyone seems to have their own take on the sun. I prefer the moon personally, but that's not relevant right now. What makes your poem interesting, is that you choose to write from mythological times. It's not something I've considered before, but you can certainly get some very different perspectives by using eyes from another time.
But on the period you have chosen, it made me wonder if perhaps people of this time would think of the sun as more than a blazing orb? I guess I'm too used to reading about great beasts that form these elements. In such a short piece, I guess it would be difficult to go further, but it was just a thought that occurred to me. I noticed you chose not to mention the creatures of the night and I think that helped you maintain a positive slant throughout the work, although I would have loved to have see you explore the sinister atmosphere that the orb leaves behind.
As always, I am drawn to stories that deal with grief. I felt that your first chapter drew in the reader extremely well. I seemed to quickly develop a sense of the main character and this in turn sparked an interest in his predicament. I think the key here, is that you let the story unfold without specifically telling me a bunch of details about the main character by detailing their background. It's a professional approach that trusts and rewards the reader, so I have to congratulate your style in this opening.
However this review wouldn't be very helpful if I didn't throw in a "but." So here it it comes! I felt that the Pscyhologist or Psychiatrist was a little "rushed" for lack of a better word. In my experience (not directly, I'm not a nut case... well not completely), it would be fairly unprofessional for a Psychologist to switch between a first name and last name basis, or ask directly confronting questions without shaping them in a form that lets the patient feel they might be talking about some unrelated experience. In essence, I didn't feel the Psycholigist was "clever" enough in her approach. Maybe this would reveal itself later in your story, as to their incompetance? Either way, I feel that this could impact the credibility of the secondary character and might distance an audience that looks at the extreme (and sometimes insignificant) detail. Just a thought though.
It's definitely a story worth pursuing and worth reading. So keep going.
You captured my attention nicely with your opening paragraphs and good use of dialog. I quickly became interested in the scene, the characters involved and the way you rewound the clock without explicitly telling the reader.
As I read on, I was anticipating that the focus of your story would be on the perpetrators of the crimes, due to the opening arrest scene. The description of the house fire increased my curiosity and gave a good background into the damage that was being inflicted. As you moved forward to briefly explain the consequences for the fire starters, I began to feel that a significant part of the story was missing.
While the upbeat ending to your story is something I always appreciate, I was still left wondering if maybe we could have explored the the personalities of the perpetrators or motivation behind the attacks a bit further.
I really enjoyed your piece on cookies. There's nothing like a healthy addiction to warp the mind and provide a few laughs along the way.
I only really wanted to comment on one aspect of your piece, and that was the main character's level of intelligence. While the fixation on cookies in itself seemed to be harmless and amusing, as you brought in conversation with other characters, I changed my view on your character from "quirky" to intellectually challenged.
While I did understand the distraction of the cookies while Oogi was in the store and commuting, I found that the "madman" persona and poor interaction with other people made me think that Oogi's addiction was more related to a real disability because of the dialog. I found that I started questioning if it was something I should sympathise with, rather than laugh at, and I'm not sure that is what you intended.
I should say this review comes from the eyes of a very cynical person, so hopefully that will explain what you will interpret to be negativity.
I personally find the “circle of life” line a little bit “Disney” these days. Unfortunately the warm fuzzy feelings it used to promote have been eaten up in commercialism and an absence of reality.
The tone of your poem however was obviously a positive one. I appreciated the message that what you get out of life is often what you put into it, and I could see why the expectation and motivation for the future was prevalent.
I personally couldn’t see why anyone would want to relive the trials and tribulations of life, but each to their own! Perhaps I was looking for more inspiration, in terms of the specific qualities and events in life that are worth reliving. I’m sure there are plenty, I just don’t have the capacity to think of them!
I probably should be embarrassed to say that I needed to read your piece a couple of times, and I still feel that I am not in a position to articulate an assessment of a worrying psychological profile.
I too am familiar with the blank page glare that you speak of, but somewhat less experienced in conversations with cupboards.
In the dozens of writing.com pieces I click on every week, yours is one that stands alone. A really enjoyable read!
You started with a catchy summary of what will be an exciting story. The setting is interesting and plenty of action is a good draw card for many readers. However I'm going to focus on some areas which I think could be developed further, as I feel some of the labels and pace of the story detracted from the action.
For instance, in the first paragraph, I learnt that the main character is tanned, injured, armed to the teeth having just left a shoot out, driving an expensive sports car, in the middle of a desert. I'm out of breath! To me, this is a lot of information to present a reader in one paragraph. Quickly stating that the character has a couple of 9mm handguns and a M11 machine gun is almost too easy. As a reader, I prefer to spend more time imagining the scene, perhaps by giving a greater descriptions of the weapon (ie. size, texture, warm barrel, worn grip etc. etc.) and leaving a few unanswered questions, to really build upon the image. By taking more time to unfold the scenario, you can gradually help the reader utilise their own imaginations.
Similarly, while using well known brand names is a speedy way of giving the reader an accurate visualisation (ie. Ferrari, CBR 1100), sometimes it can be more effective to let the reader work itself out for themselves, then confirm it later (ie. a description of the prancing horse badge on the bonnet of the expensive sports car). Maybe even the "Tech" name explanation could have been explained in a similar fashion.
In any case the story line is very interesting to me, and with a bit more time, I'm sure you could involve readers quite easily.
Your story gives an interesting insight into what seems to be a largely unexplored subject. The hardship and suffering that you contrast with love and devotion provides a touching storyline. I found it reasonably easy to follow the switches between the earth bound and other characters which gave a lot of hope to what would otherwise be a very dark experience.
There were a few themes that I thought could have been softened, for example, the people who had "sold their souls". It seemed like there was a generalisation about people that contradicts what you are trying to achieve in the overall message of your storyline. While there was some insight into these people's (junkies, hookers, pimps) positions, I was left wondering about the line you are drawing between victims and perpetrators. Similarly, I had a question mark over the "aimless wanderers". Were these individuals with a sad story that we will never know, or are they a typical breed that needs no further explanation? I felt that the compassion demonstrated in the core characters needed to be extended to these people, or greater reasoning used to justify why the reader should not also be sympathetic to these types of people.
The line "I don't drink alcohol" is interesting, but without a more powerful reference to the devastating effects of alcoholism, the statement doesn't carry as much meaning to me, because I don’t understand the significance of the choice that Charley had endured from what I had read. I understand that was to illustrate that your average oblivious office worker had no conception of such an illness, but I think that could be positively magnified if there were more details on the difficulties Charley had actually overcome.
I felt the scene where Charley receives a warning about his dog was very well thought out and gave a much needed upbeat feeling. But any suspense or surprise that you built up seemed to be lost because the attack was introduced so quickly after the warning.
This is a great start to a really interesting story that is well worth developing further.
Very touching and meaningful. As an atheist, I always find these types of stories very distressing, but I appreciate the hope and warmth it portrays. The setting you used was a very clear analogy, and I think that is really important the way you have given your audience the best chance of making an accurate interpretation. Perhaps some readers might prefer more challenge, but I liked the simplicity of the scene because it places more emphasis on the message.
I don't really have anything constructive to add, so I'll just say keep writing!
Very intriguing idea, I could easily see myself getting engrossed in a Novel revolving around this theme. There are obviously things which need to be developed, such as how so many could come to unified belief in immortality without questioning other failures, but I'm sure you have something in mind. All I can suggest is to keep it as believable as possible, because you've got something really interesting here.
I guess my thoughts on your piece are mainly revolving around the "you saw" lines. I really enjoyed the twist... or realisation at the end, but I was confused as to what the perpertrator was actually seeing. I guess I just wanted to see a verse on what was driving their warped mind.
PS. Thanks for the Author's explanation, I think that is invaluable for reviewers of poetry.
This is an interesting topic you have chosen and you give a good perspective.
For a piece aimed at a newspaper, I think you might need to be wary of repeating yourself too much, they generally like things to be extremely succinct. I think a lot of readers would find it more interesting if you gave more of your opinion as to why people are so competitive, and why you think this type of problem is occurring.
If you have time, you might even like to go into how you would implement a zero-tolerance policy.
I enjoy this kind of story of battle, but I'm not sure if there was enough there for me to get involved, being such a short introduction for what is to follow. So perhaps my rewiew would change somewhat if I had time to absorb a more detailed plot. It's an interesting idea that has tons of potential for creating images because very few readers have direct experience with airships.
I'm not sure why, but some of the analogies you used seemed to distract my attention from what was happening in the story. For example "leaking fuel like a funeral shroud". Although it obviously is a symbol for death, I tend to prefer using an analogy that is a closer symbol to the vision. This is probably because I would imagine a funeral shroud to be something gentle and depressing, rather than blinding and violent, as a burning plummeting plane would have been. Phrases you used such as "shriek of metal" gave me a much more vivid impression of what was happening.
There were moments when I think you paused the story unnecessarily... like " The thing was, we were a pirate ship, so we rarely had to blow our enemies out of the sky". The statement gives a good character description, but it was enough to take my mind away from the escalating action, which meant you had to build up the story again for me. Perhaps it would be better served in an introduction of the story?
I like where you are going with this though, so I look forward to reading a more detailed piece.
Cheers,
Dave
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